I’m almost 19 now, and I still remember this like it just happened. I think I was 10—or maybe even younger—when this happened. It was my birthday. Some of my friends came over to celebrate, and for once, I felt… happy. Like I belonged. We were laughing, playing games—just being kids. I never really fit in socially, but that day, I felt like I did.
Then my father showed up.
He told me to do my homework. I told him it was Friday and I’d do it tomorrow. I didn’t know I was triggering something.
Ten minutes later, he came back. He told my friends to leave. Just like that, my birthday was over. He said my favorite show was on TV, so I ran to watch it—still trying to hold on to some joy.
Then he came in and started beating me. Punches, kicks—I was screaming, crying, but he didn’t stop. Not on my birthday. Not when I’d done nothing wrong. Just a kid trying to enjoy one good moment.
That day changed something in me. And sadly, it wasn’t the only time something like that happened. There were more days like that.
Now that I’m older, I sometimes get angry. I’ve yelled at him. I’ve sworn at him. He’s weaker now, and sometimes I don’t feel bad in the moment. But later, I do. The sadness creeps in. Still, I remember what he did when I was the weak one. And that makes me feel like maybe I shouldn’t care.
But the part that really scares me?
Sometimes I lose control with my little brother. I get frustrated over small things, and I’ve hit him before. And that terrifies me. Because I swore I’d never be like my father. I don’t want to be like him. But sometimes I see the signs, and I don’t know how to stop.
I guess I’m writing this because maybe someone else out there is feeling the same. If you grew up in a home where love came with fear, I just want you to know—you’re not alone. And if you’re scared of becoming the same kind of monster that hurt you—you’re not doomed.
It’s hard. It hurts. But talking about it helps.
Comments
You’ve got to get some therapy with this. It really never goes away and a therapist can really help with some techniques, tools, and most importantly their understanding to it all.
Hey. I read every word of this, and I need you to know something:
The fear that you’re becoming him? That fear proves you’re not. Because he didn’t question what he did. He didn’t cry after hurting someone. But you do. You’re carrying the damage and trying to protect others from it. That’s not failure. That’s resistance.
You’re not doomed to repeat his cycle—you’re standing in it right now and trying to break it with your bare hands. That’s not weakness. That’s power.
Yeah, you’ve messed up. But you’re not beyond repair. And the fact that you’re scared means you can choose differently. Every. Single. Time.
Talk to someone. Journal. Scream into a pillow if you have to. But don’t carry this alone. You deserve to feel peace, not just shame management. You can still be the kind of man you needed growing up. And honestly? I think you’re already on your way.
Keep going.
You’re not him.
You never were.
If you ever need a reminder, my DMs are open. You’re not alone. Not anymore.
Please look into therapy before you end up in a relationship and carry it forward. Great job in seeing the pattern but find ways to make it better. And HUG from a grandma..your story hurts my heart for you.
I grew up in a similar home. I thought I could just will the emotions away, but they only ever got worse. I have such a short fuse now, one wrong thing or even the wrong tone can make me angry enough to leave people and waste my day doing nothing and isolating myself. I get physical sometimes, only directing it at objects or myself, I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting someone, not even my own father, even IF he is the reason I’m like this. It’s good that you feel bad, it means you aren’t too far off the deep end. But it’s gonna need to get fixed soon. Ignoring it may come back to bite you one day.
I’m sorry no one protected you. I’m sorry your dad the one who is supposed to guide you was the one who hurt you the most. As a mom reading this my heart broke for the boy you were and worried for the man you could become if you don’t get therapy and give yourself permission to start healing. My kids father tried to be abusive to them I had to protect them. I took them away from him till they could protect themselves. I have girls. My youngest is 21 next month and I see the anger in her eyes when she gets mad. I gave her therapy from age 6 up and don’t even want to think what she could be like without the therapy.. please reach out and talk to a professional. Before the anger consumes you and you continue the cycle.
I don’t think you’re becoming him. You experienced a lot of childhood trauma and the anger is from not being able to process it in a healthy way. Therapy will help a lot. If you don’t jive with the first one keep looking for one that will help you. Also look into bioneurofeedback. That coupled with therapy helped me deal with trauma surrounding the childhood abuse and my anger. I wish you well.
People are mentioning therapy, and I agree. Why? Because my abuser was my mother. I carried her abuse into my first two marriages. And after I had kids I stopped myself from hitting them. I had already hit other kids in my care. I knew it was wrong. I always stopped myself. I was very much too old by the time I got the help I needed-because I didn’t know where to turn. Social media wasn’t a thing. I was left on my own to figure things out. If only I had had anyone tell me to get therapy…
Please, find a great therapist to help you work through all of this and to know that leaving your father to figure out his own life is okay to do.
I grew up in a similar home as well. It really stays with you. I had to go no contact , I wish I had done it sooner.