I 35f, had a relationship from 18-25 years of my age.
I am a dentist by profession and he came from a family of OBGY and surgeons but he himself is an engineer. I had a difficult childhood, all the templates of a wounded inner child were bestowed upon me and i ended up being in this relationship where i was mocked for being a dentist, and not a physician. I was disrespected to the core in every way possible, gaslighted and what not but i probably needed to feel loved so much that i kept enduring it and ended up believing like i deserve it because that’s what i had known from the beginning of my life.
When we turned 25, he broke off without any reason and moved cities for post grad. He went on to do executive MBA and i struggled to even get up. I spent next 5 years pleading and begging but because i used to be good at studies , i secured myself a decent paying job although i am extremely unhappy because there is no scope of learning or growth and all my batchmates and friends have done far better than me . I am not comparing, i am happy for them but i feel that a part of me died so much in healing myself from things that were badly projected onto me that i lost the most important years of my career . I really wanted to be a surgeon and i was mocked by my ex for even having a dream, forget being supported.
So i spent 12 years in contact with that guy and he would throw breadcrumbs even after the breakup.. i guess that combined with extremely low self worth made me cling onto hope because i was made to believe that i am the undeserving one and i need to EARN love.
Amidst all this , my elder brother died.
The financial burdens , the loss of a sibling, constantly being asked out by married men who only wanted me physically killed me from within. You know, i now look back and i feel so sorry that i had to go through so much at the hands of others and couldn’t do a thing to protect my own self emotionally and physically.. i decided to move on and i did. He got married, has a daughter and earns really well and here i am at 35.. single, unable to find a right match.. struggling to clear the entrance exam because my past experiences reinforced that i am a loser , an undeserving person.. so choosing myself and doing good for myself seems like a task.. i cannot stop age shaming myself even though i know that the people who are looking down at me did not have to go through the soul wrench i had to .
I have nothing against anyone, i just feel terribly sorry for myself for not being able to study because that’s what i was always good at.. i feel lost because i am stuck in a job where i will never be valued but i need the money and only way out is doing masters.
I deeply wish healing to anyone out there who had to struggle to accept their own existence because unworthiness was hammered into their head.
I hope i find someone who would understand that i am working really hard on healing myself and i hope by the end of 2025 i get into masters program.
35 doesn’t seem like a good age to restart studying .. everything feels like a burden . A burden that was never mine .