Man oh man, my wife , I love her to death, but she shuts down when we get into an argument or disagreement. Usually when she’s in the wrong. For starters she’s about 2 month pregnant. But she has always been messy , it’s been a known issue I’ve brought up to her to pick up after herself. She argues she’s in school and work and tired from being pregnant that she can’t. But in my head I’m not asking to clean, I’m asking to just pick up after yourself. I feel like that’s simple, reasonable and respectful. So we’ve had arguments before that go bad because she can’t communicate property and shuts down. This is also a known issue I talked to her about.
The latest time, she left a towel on the floor and I asked her why she would leave the towel there and her response is there was no hamper. I told her she should have hung it up and I can already see her shutting down. The hamper was in the laundry room , I nicely explained she could’ve hung her towel up and waited for the hamper or go get the hamper or just hang it up and next time grab it on your way out and put it in the laundry room. By this time she was shut down and we kinda just let it be I can see she was mad. Doesn’t want to acknowledge she was wrong .
Fast forward to now , few hours later she sends me a text and I dissect it with her line for line. We ended the talk on terms of we need space. So when I decided to leave to get Buffalo Wild Wings she starts crying . Cuz I was going to leave. Mind you she’s prego so at this point i don’t feel like I can leave and eventually try talking to her again and she just shuts down and I eventually left because every other time I always stay there and try to talk to her and pretty much beg to get something, barley can get yes or no answers. But how do I deal with this helppp please !? Also I’m very level headed am pretty calm and can talk to her effectively. I literally think it’s all her .
I even told her she could just take responsibility and tell me she forgot or apologize and that she’ll get to it next time but she won’t even acknowledge that. Now we are taking space fr.
Comments
First, it’s important to recognize that her shutting down could be a defense mechanism. Sometimes people do this because they feel overwhelmed, criticized, or like they’re being cornered, even if that’s not your intent. It’s possible that she feels stressed about the pregnancy and everything she’s handling, which might make her less able to engage in a healthy way during an argument.
Maybe you could ask her how she feels about arguments and if there’s anything specific she needs when conflicts arise. You’ve already mentioned that you want her to take responsibility, but it might help to ask her if there’s something specific she needs from you during tough conversations, whether it’s more patience, time, or a different approach. At the same time, it’s understandable that you want her to acknowledge her part in situations like the towel, and it’s okay to express that, but be mindful of her emotional state, especially with the pregnancy.
Consider setting some clear expectations for how you both handle disagreements. Maybe agree on a signal or a way of checking in if one of you starts to shut down, so that you don’t feel like you’re left with no closure. Taking space can be healthy, but it’s also important to reconnect afterward and ensure that both parties are heard.
It could also be worth considering couples counseling or communication workshops. Sometimes having an outside perspective can help both partners see things differently and improve how they relate to each other.
Two things:
Could your wife have ADHD? If so, that might explain some of the executive dysfunction.
Is there a way you can “get to yes”? What I mean by that is, if you know this is something she struggles with, what mitigations can you put in place to get her from point A to point B more easily?
The ADHD might also make sense in the way she shuts down when you point out what she’s doing wrong. Rejection sensitivity and oppositional defiance increase with ADHD and you pointing out all the time how she could do or be better would knock her around a bit.
Now, I’m not at all suggesting that any condition means she shouldn’t have to be a respectful and functional living partner. I’m just offering it so that if true, you both can calibrate expectations and meet her where she’s at.
From personal experience, it sounds like she has undiagnosed ADHD. She might want to pick up the towel, but for some reason her brain can’t get herself to do it. Then on top of it, when dealing with confrontation, she has the freeze response. She has to get out of that freeze (flight/fight) mindset before she can have a constructive conversation.
I could be way off base, but it felt like something I have experienced myself before I got diagnosed with ADHD. Then to be pregnant on top of all that, I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Please continue to be patient with her, that will make a world of difference. You might have to pick up additional slack, more than you’d like, but she is going through a lot right now.