My wife went in for a relatively minor surgery. She wanted me and our kids (9 and 12 at the time) to be there for support, and of course we wanted to be there as well. (I would have been there regardless).
As she was being prepped to go in, she said we don’t have to stay in the waiting room, and I should take the kids to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We kissed and said our love you’s and goodbyes and headed for the elevator. When we got to the cafeteria, nothing looked good. We realized one of our favorite diners was next door, the kids really love the pancakes there, so we headed over.
We had a great meal and headed back. Her surgery and recovery time was about 5 hours, so we spent the rest of the time in the waiting room.
Once we got home, my wife asked the kids what they had to eat. They told her about the pancakes and my wife got pissed at me. She asked me how I could have left the hospital while she was in surgery. She said “what if there was an emergency”. I didn’t want to upset her while she was recovering, so I had the kids go play and left her to rest.
We were right next door and the hospital had my phone number, so AITAH for leaving the hospital to get food?
Edit; this happened a long time ago when our kids were young. Another similar post prompted me to post my story. Sorry to disappoint my hater, I’m new to Reddit and I don’t know what a “karma farmer” is.
Edit; she only brings it up now to break my balls. I just roll my eyes and ask her if she wants some pancakes.
Comments
Just in case anyone is wondering how fake this shit all is, there was another (probably fake) story that got a lot of traction about a woman whose husband went to have a burger while she was in a surgery posted a few hours ago. Clearly trying to play off the current hot themes.
If there was an emergency they’d have phoned you . . . Put it down to her being affected by the anaesthetic and move on.
This is a karma farming account.
Well taking the children for something to eat would help take there mind of off what was going on.
NTA
You did the right thing in taking care of the kids. They were probably a bit stressed with the surgery and the hospital environment is not kid friendly.
Even if you were a badass Respiratory Therapist, there’s not anything you could do in an emergency. Wives can be a bit crazy. Write it off as that and assure her you love her and won’t do it again.
You made a choice. It appears your wife was uncomfortable with your choice to leave the hospital. That’s how she felt, no one here knows why your wife feels that way.
Also, sounds like your wife was still feeling the effects from the drugs.
NAH
NTA. Wife told you to get food, you stayed nearby and reachable.
Lol if there was an emergency did your wife think you’d just jump in and do the surgery yourself? NTA
I would think that was a fine idea.
NTA. Your wife literally told you to take the kids to eat. You didn’t leave the city, you went next door to get them a meal they actually wanted instead of forcing down hospital cafeteria food. If something had happened, the hospital had your number, and you were a minute away. I get that she was feeling vulnerable post-surgery and maybe got emotional.
What exactly does your wife think would happen if there was an emergency? Did they need you to come to the emergency room to personally help save her life? Or did she want to make sure her kids would be in the room as quickly as possible so they could watch the emergency firsthand?
NTA. My dad took my brother and me bowling when my mom had her second kidney transplant. We were still early to welcome her back to her room. You know what she did? Asked us for the scores
Why would anyone ask, require, or expect their children to be at the hospital while they were having surgery. Seems selfish.
NTA
Had something happened during the surgery, what exactly was he supposed to do? That the medical team was unable to do? They would have dealt with the emergency, and THEN call him.
We all know what the “If something happened” euphemism means. In that case, whether he is in the OR right next to her, or next door eating some food… no amount of “rushing to her” is going to change anything.
What does she mean “what if there was an emergency?” She was already in the hospital, it’s not like the you or the kids could scrub in. You were right next door and you distracted your kids. She’s being silly.
NTA
I don’t know why your wife wanted your kids there at all. I had several minor procedures done and my kids were told that I was having it done and would need quiet time at home later. I would have never expected (or wanted) them to be there at all.
You are absolutely not the AH for leaving the hospital to feed the kids during a 5 hour surgery.
Kids are the ah for telling her you guys left the hospital to eat!😂 seriously though you’re ntah. Don’t tell her this but she’s overreacting. Getting upset over something like this is ridiculous but you have kids and are married so time to apologize even though you weren’t in the wrong! Get on ChatGPT and look up how a woman wants you to apologize for leaving the hospital for a short time while she was in surgery.
NTA. I question the point of sitting there the whole time “for support”.
I would ask your wife if she wanted you and your young children stressed and in anticipation the whole time?
Assuming the OP was listed as her emergency contact, the hospital has OP’s phone number and they would call in case of emergency and OP is literally down the street.
Ppfftt, you were nearby and keeping kids occupied. Your wife is stressed from the procedure and making a big deal out of nothing. NTA
I went shopping yesterday during hubs procedure so my view is different
No, it was definitely very reasonable.
Though I would ask, has your wife said now about this after that initial statement? or was it a one time statement right after she was out of surgery, but you still feel upset because of that statement? Because we don’t take seriously what someone says for at least 12 hours after surgery. They’re literally not in their right mind.
If it was just the one time, no one is an ah.
If she has continued to think you did something wrong, she is the ah, though sometimes our brains can get stuck in a track for something that makes us feel strong emotions after anaesthetic like that and it’s very hard to break out of it. So she’s possibly a very minor ah.
NTA
If there had been an emergency it’s not like they would have let you guys into the operating room.
There is nothing to do in a hospital waiting room. You went next door not across town. I would like to believe this unreasonable point of view is due to some post surgery crankiness.
I’ve been married almost 40 years and still remember the time I got my wisdom teeth out. Before we got married. And my then- boyfriend went out of the facility to go have breakfast. Yes I hold a grudge for him doing that all those years ago.
YTA. What if something happened to her? What if something happened to you? Can you imagine waking up from surgery and finding out your family is gone because they went off property to get something to eat and got in a bad car accident?????
Not the AH. My husband did the same thing when I was in surgery several years ago.
I might have known they were leaving before my procedure, but I was totally fine with it.
They were there when I was in the recovery room and wanted nothing to do with them, lol.
With little kids it’s hard to keep them entertained for so long, plus they might have been scared. Their favorite meal could help a lot.
NTA. Next time hit a nearby strip club and come in covered in glitter. For extra credit, say “hey, at least she was wearing a nurse outfit! Temporarily.”
NTA Shes being very hypothetically critical because nothing did happen. The hospital doesn’t give you a pager to be notified like Texas Roadhouse. If there was an issue, they would have called your cell phone and you would have responded accordingly.
My baby brother had to have surgery (I’m 13 year older than him. I think he was about 13/14). I was in the room whilst they did the count down then my mum and I went to the cafe to eat whilst he was in surgery. I think it’s pretty normal to distract? We were back before he came round and still there for him. It’s pretty normal. Hospitals can be worrying and stressful for family members, particularly young children, did she want them sitting in a clinical environment worrying?
NTA
But it is very troublesome that she keeps bringing it up. If she can’t move on from it she has to sit down and talk about it in a serious manner. Because the past is not ammunition and this only sows resentment. ( Hard to do but something that should always be in mind)
You went next door. Not to the other side of the state. NTA.
NTA. She told you to take the kids to get something to eat, and you did. She should be happy that everyone was back when she came out of recovery.
I sent my husband to his surgery via Uber. I was at home with 8 week old twins and our disabled 4.5yo. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything, anyway. They called me before, during, and after with updates, and then I went to pick him up once he was ready to be discharged.
You did nothing wrong.
I had breast cancer surgery and my husband left the hospital to go to the pharmacy to get my meds so I wouldn’t have to wait after my surgery to get them. If our kids were along, and he wanted to grab a bite to eat close by, I wouldn’t have been upset. The OR at my hospital sets up text messaging with support people to give them updates, before, during and after, so he was able to stay updated during the med run. He was already back by the time I got back to my room from recovery. I even sent him home to sleep/clean when both our babies were born. Each person is different though and their support needs are different, so what wouldn’t upset one person could very well upset someone else.
NTA I know the other post you’re talking about. The difference is that you were right next door and you were with your children. I’m sure that if the hospital had called your phone you would have answered and gotten over there as fast as you could. I also assume that you were only gone at an hour tops.
The kids were hungry and while hospital cafeteria food is fine, I think taking the kids next door to a diner was a good idea. They were young and probably incredibly stressed about their mom having surgery. Having pancakes not in a hospital cafeteria is fine.
Putting myself in her shoes – the only reason I could imagine her wanting you all close ‘in case of emergency’ would be if something horrible went wrong and she was going to die. In the imaginary situation, she must be thinking ‘something goes wrong, the doctors realize this, wake her up out of anesthesia so the family could say goodbye.’ Not only is this a little crazy, but what surgeon would ever be like, this is going downhill, let’s stop mid-surgery, wake her up, and call the loved ones in? None. They will continue and do their best to mitigate any emergency, and if she ended up passing during surgery, you would be notified after it was too late. The only goodbyes would be after she was gone.
It is illogical, but unfortunately also quite manipulative to bring it up. She clearly felt abandoned in some sense and wants you to feel like you failed. It’s not healthy to bring up past ‘failures’ (in her mind) in a healthy relationship.
Something to consider the next time she brings it up, is to have a quick little conversation about how healthy relationships do not continually dredge up the past… you knew she was in good hands and that there was nothing you would be able to do even if there was an emergency, aside from panic the children. When there are emergencies surgery they do not bring in loved ones. That would breach so many safety protocols and would be so much more traumatizing for you and the kids to see her mid surgery. But ultimately why would this tearing-down of relationship and love continue based on a fictional possibility in the past?
If there was an emergency she was in the hospital for it. You couldn’t be grabbed from the cafeteria by a surgeon to come help with a problem. Your wife might be thinking of the movies.
If there was an emergency the doctors deal with it as to what you signed to prior to surgery and any emergent situation is to be dealt with by medical professionals. then the emergency contact would be notified when appropriate.
Your wife thinks she’s in a movie.
Maybe could of got her some take outs. Would of been a different ending.
Have you asked her today how she feels about the situation? Is she still upset? I’m sure the initial sting was there because she’s quite literally cut open on the table and you’re happy go lucky at breakfast. But I’m sure she’s over the shock now and doesn’t care.
NTA. The kids needed to eat and you went and got them something better than cafeteria food. That’s what phones are for.
It’s not like she woke up and no one was there either.
Hopefully it’s just the sedatives making her weird and she gets over it.
I recently had surgery that was about the same length of time. I encouraged my partner to go and get a coffee at Starbucks, grab something to eat, whatever he needed to do. When I got out of surgery I was happy to hear he had stayed at the hospital. But this seems like a trivial thing to get upset about. She probably felt differently after she recovered and was off painkillers.
Why did she want the kids sitting in the waiting room during her surgery? In my mind, that situation only occurs in an emergency while you await another option for someone to care for the kids.
She is either having some major anxiety over this specific event that needs therapy and treatment, or she overall has a main character syndrome that is beyond.
She was asleep for 5 hours…. Not realistic to think you would wait in the waiting room… she needs to chill
NTA She sounds like she’s scared and doesn’t know how to express those feelings. She’s being obnoxious. Her kids waiting? For a minor surgery?
My wife has / had lots of health issues, never took our boys until they were like 18 and 15. And then just to show them tricks to stay sane in a very stressful situation. You actually did one of my tricks. Leave and get a change of scenery, there is nothing to do if something goes wrong, that’s just the plain hard truth
NTA
NTA, I can see where she might’ve been a little hurt that she was on the table and y’all were seemingly having a good time without her, but in reality it’s better you got the kids minds off things and fed them something they enjoyed.
NTA. Guess what my dad was doing while my brother was being born in Pittsburgh?
He was flying a night bombing mission in Vietnam. Your wife needs a reality check. There are worse things than taking the kids next door to IHOP!
NTA, even if you were in the cafeteria the hospital department that your wife was in would’ve only been able to get in touch with you via your phone number. The only way you would’ve been available quicker was if you were still in the waiting room. So regardless of whether you were in the hospital cafe or next door the department would’ve still had to ring you and you would’ve had the same journey time to her.
Her “minor” surgery took 5 hours???
NTA. Not a big deal, really, especially with the kids. I’ve had a couple of same-day surgeries and I have a family member drop me off, then I call them when it’s time to pick me up. There’s no reason for someone to spend half a day sitting in a waiting room. I’m not that needy.
NTA
If an emergency did occur I would’ve hope:
The medical team would be smart enough to call the emergency contact on her file rather than run around the hospital looking for you.
That the medical staff would not prep you and try to make you solve her medical issue for them.
NTA. Is your wife always a drama queen like this? That must be exhausting to deal with.
Yes there could have been an emergency, but that’s what cell phones and being right next door is for. She’s being petty.
IF true?
Tell your wife to grow the fuck up!
You took the kids for food at HER request.
What could you have done in the event of an emergency, that would’ve been ANY different if you were still IN the hospital? Answer: Fuck all
And as for “but she still brings it up occasionally”
What a pathetically petty woman.
If there was an emergency they’ll contact you on your cell. Next door is hardly like going across town and there really wouldn’t be anything you could do differently anyway.
She told you to go. You followed her instructions. She needs to get over it
NTA. Unless it’s going to be something really quick I always tell my husband to go eat if he wants. Typically you have to be there early, patient can’t eat so a lot of times the driver doesn’t. As long as he’s there after I’m in recovery I’m fine. (Apparently I wake up asking for my husband over and over and over! lol)
She sounds like a control freak (PB)…
NTA
Was your decision reckless? No. But this issue is your wife wasn’t comfortable with your decision and, from your description, seems like it made her feel unsupported and alone. I don’t agree with her constantly bringing it up and throwing it your face. However, you’re also slinging mud back.
Sounds like there are a lot of unresolved feelings there. Did you ever acknowledge her feelings?
NAH because I think this is a draw.
Ehh I’m gonna say YTA, if something where to happen they need you to give the okay for procedures. They’d have to call you to come back and that takes more time and when in a medical emergency seconds count. In the 40yrs my parents were together my mom never left my dad alone in the hospital no matter the procedure. She never wanted to be away to not give permission if stuff went south.
It’s a fear you’ll die alone from complications. It’s a fear of waking up alone. Doesn’t matter the minor procedure or not.
NTA
So I can understand why she might have felt bad about you not being there during surgery, and I can understand why you wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong with it.
In this situation, had you
A. Mentioned to a nurse that you had your phone on you and would answer if called, but rather than eat at cafeteria you were taking kids to a nearby restaurant
B. The nurse seen nothing wrong with this
C. Your wife already be back beyond point of being able for you to see her
D. And assuming you actually did have an ability to be contacted (cell phone), then there isn’t that much difference between you having to be contacted by phone while at the cafeteria and you having to be contacted by phone while at a nearby restaurant. Assuming the restaurant was so “nearby,” that you could get back in barely longer than walking across a big hospital would take.
I think in your situation your wife was merely feeling stressed from the event and unsupported, and it could have been fixed with sufficient reassurances and apologies. You can apologize for unintentionally making someone feel bad, even without understanding why what you did caused this emotion.
This is a day and night situation to that other post.
That other dude left before she was back in surgery. She went to surgery feeling scared and alone and wondering where he was.
Then, she’s out of surgery, the nurses called him and he didn’t answer. She waited longer in recovery than needed when all she wanted was to go home.
Then his excuse, he was eating a tasty burger at a bar. I call bull$hit. I think he was drinking a tasty drink at a bar and was too drunk to return so played dumb and avoided calls while he sobered up.
I’ve had several surgeries. Maybe 5 and over 15 other procedures where I was under anesthesia and needed a driver.
It can be boring for the person just sitting. These days they want people to go sit in their car and they call them.
As long as you actually would have answered the phone and could have been back within 15 minutes, NTA. That’s what they have everyone do all the time. I empathize with her missing out on fun taking kids out to eat while she’s getting painful yucky things done. But that was going to happen to her regardless, so no reason for you and kids to suffer hospital food as long as could return in time and be contacted. And as long as you weren’t told to stay on the premises.
The only ah here is the one who expected a 9 & 12 yo to sit in a hospital for five straight hours.
Suggest couples therapy to her. This is to mainly avoid continued buildup of resentment.
It’s also a way of getting her to figure out she should shut the fuck up and move on.
I would say in this case NTA. The hospital knew how to get a hold of you and I am sure you kept your phone near by. Plus you were close by and it was a diner your kids liked.
I did read another story about a husband leaving while wife was going into surgery but I think that was a different case. That guy left before preop so she was alone, wasn’t back before she got out of surgery, was unreachable by the hospital staff, and had gone to a bar for food/drink and apparently did coke while he was there. In that case, he is most definitely the AH.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Getting the kids out of that stressful environment for a bit was a good thing. If there had been an emergency, they would know how to contact you. Considering it was minor surgery, there probably wasn’t a lot to worry about.
NTA I’ve had a few major surgeries and my concern was always about my child. Being in the hospital cafeteria isn’t much different than being Nextdoor. Either way they’re going to call you.
I know someone who dropped his wife off at the front door of the hospital when she was having her tubes tied to prevent further pregnancy. He had errands to run – all over town- and figured it was NBD and good timing for him to do these while she was busy…
He was wrong. It was a big deal and is still mentioned to this day….. Almost 40 years later.
Your circumstances were vastly different. She asked you to take the kids to breakfast. You did. You were close.
I imagine she had the expectation that you would not leave the hospital, and when those expectations were shattered, she was offended.
I am glad you can both laugh about it now.