Throw away because I don’t know who will see this.
My (25f) husband (30m) suffers from sexsomnia. Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s a sleep disorder where he has sex or does sexual things (usually leading to sex) in his sleep. No, he hasn’t been to a doctor about this. We have been together for over 6 years and this has been happening since very early on in the relationship.
The first time this happened, I thought he was awake and just felt in the mood shortly after going to bed. After he finished, he was confused, and then I was confused. He thought I was lying about what happened. What happened: he felt for my boobs, and then got on top of me and started kissing me pretty aggressively (not in a bad way though – I was into it). We ended up having sex. We had pretty high libidos back then, so honestly this wasn’t abnormal. What WAS abnormal, was when he didn’t remember touching me, getting on top of me, kissing me, and then fucking me. He only woke up after he finished. He didn’t remember a thing. He thought maybe I started touching him in his sleep and initiated things. Not the case. I thought he was lying about not remembering. And to be clear, he wasn’t mad about it, just confused. After the second or third time, I googled “sex in sleep”, and got our answers. We talked about consent because he’s sleeping… he can’t consent but he’s initiating it… a lot of weird gray area. He also doesn’t wake up easily when this is happening.
This has happened 20+ times over the entire course of our relationship. Sometimes it’s very sudden where he will be very… to the point. He will get on me or grab me and turn me over and fuck me(yes, I am usually sleeping too). Sometimes it’ll be slow. Unbearably slow. So slow that he will barely be touching me but won’t stop until I wake up and try to wake him up or move things along. Sometimes if I deter him, he will start again 20 minutes later. Sometimes it comes in waves where it will happen several times in a couple months span and not happen for several months. There are some things that affect it like how much he drinks, how late it is, and if he’s horny before going to bed. I believe these episodes are completely preventable, but not by me.
Tonight, he worked until 11pm, and probably went to bed shortly after midnight. I was asleep. I woke up around 1:15am because our almost 2yo daughter started crying, so I went to put her back to sleep. When I got back, he was in the middle of the bed sleeping almost in my spot. I tried pushing him away but he wouldn’t budge. He started talking “who is that?” I responded with my name. He said “okay. ______?” Asking if I was me. “Yes?” I responded. Confused if he was just being goofy (he’s a jokester), or if he’s talking in his sleep. He usually doesn’t talk in his sleep or during these episodes. I tried waking him up to no avail. Suddenly he grabbed me so tightly in an embrace asking over and over if it was me like he had found me? I knew he was probably dreaming, so I kept reassuring him it was me for about 2 minutes. One of the best hugs I’ve ever had honestly. And then he started humping my leg… still asking if I was me. I was like oh okay so he’s dreaming and having an episode, got it. This was a new situation. Until I can gauge the situation, I kind of let things play out his way, even though he has literally no idea it’s happening. He got his hand down my pants and naturally things went where they went. He got my pants off, and his shorts down and tried to get in me. Here is where I struggle with the whole thing… if I help him get off, I feel like I’m taking advantage of or violating him. But if I don’t help, it could take an hour and then I don’t get sleep. He has said countless times that he knows he can’t control it and sometimes he feels bad for me because he knows it affects my sleep. He has given me permission to help the situation along, but it still feels weird because I do get turned on when I’m being touched by my husband whom I love even though I know he’s asleep.
Reader, what would you do? Has anyone else ever experienced this? Maybe I just need reassurance that I’m not doing the wrong thing. Thank you.
Comments
I really appreciate how gently and thoughtfully you’re writing about this. It’s clear that you truly love your husband and don’t want to hurt him – but your feelings matter too. What you’re describing is a very complex gray area, and it’s easy to feel lost in it.
But here’s what’s important: if you feel weird, violated, unsafe, or disconnected – that’s already a sign that your consent isn’t fully there. Even if he gave you “permission” to help, even if you understand that he can’t control it – in that moment, you are also losing control, and doing something that goes against how you actually feel.
It is not your responsibility to help him through sex – especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable or hurt. It is his responsibility to see a doctor and take this seriously. Because this isn’t just a “sleep quirk” anymore – it’s affecting your body, your mind, your sleep, and your boundaries.