I’m asking this question because my brother recently had a baby, and from the beginning, they made it clear that they weren’t comfortable with anyone holding him (sort of verbally, but mostly not – we did ask to hold him but they said no so we didn’t keep pestering them whenever we saw them). At the time, that boundary was completely understandable, especially in those early newborn days when everything feels new and uncertain. We respected their decision without question. However, their baby is now four months old, and it’s become clear that others (her family) are now being allowed to hold him (and have from the start?)—just not my parents or me. What makes it more confusing is that there’s been no tension or bad feelings between us; we all get along really well, which makes this feel even more hurtful and confusing.
It’s gotten to the point where it’s starting to really upset my parents, and it hurts me too. We’re not trying to overstep, but it’s hard not to feel excluded without understanding why. The only possible reason I can think of is that I have babies myself, and they’ve made a few offhand comments in the past about babies not being allowed around older babies? (apparently their midwife told them that)—but even that doesn’t seem like enough to explain it because members of her family have babies too and they’re allowed around him and to hold him. I want to respect their parenting choices, but would I be wrong to gently bring it up with my brother? I really, really don’t want to cause any drama, I just think some honest conversation might help ease the hurt that’s quietly building.
Comments
It doesn’t seem like they’re going to tell you the reason or they would’ve already told you. If you don’t ask, you will never know and you won’t be able to address it. It might be based on a misconception that you can clear up or possibly a concern that you can agree to always do or never do and then have permission to hold the baby. You won’t know until you ask them, but one thing that comes to mind is concern over germ exposure. Is there a difference between families in vaccination status or possibly working in a job that gets extreme germ exposure that they would be worried about ?
This is not a new thing though it’s seen more and more because of social media and the influence too many unknowledgeable people have. In the olden days you had your doctor and maybe Dr. Spock and that’s how everyone behaved. But now we have all sorts of woo intermixed with ‘studies show’ and then a pinch of new mom thinks every other old mom doesn’t know what they are doing in the new times forgetting that holding a baby is a natural thing and all the mothers and fathers out there know how to hold a baby.
And, after your first one the second one gets bumped around so differently because they can handle it which you come to realize if you have any ability to grow and evolve in your thinking.
Unfortunately they hold all the cards here on you getting to see the kid. My take on this is to tell them to knock this shit off and if they don’t, well your kid will grow up without me in their life. That’s easier said than done, so maybe honey soaked truth might help get them over this shit that’s been put into their brains.
10 karma says they are not going to vaccinate their kid either I would bet.
They probably won’t tell you the real reason, or if they do, it’ll be something outrageous enough to make you mad, so they will try to beat about the bush and avoid that. Personally, I would ask.
This may have to do with their fear of the baby catching a virus, most of which are transmitted by touch. Always wash your hands when you enter their house, and if offered the opportunity to hold the baby, wash your hands again before you touch the baby. If you have young children, and the other side of the family does not, that may be the issue.
Feels like a difference in values/behaviors that they are attempting to be neutral about; they’ll tolerate you in the same room, but holding their baby is a step too far.
Either it’s you/your choices, or it’s them/their choices. “Your choices” could be things like you being a smoker and having nicotine or weed smells on your hands or clothing. Or you being the kind of person who kisses babies on the mouth or face (possibly spreading cold sores or illnesses). Or you being anti-vax and possibly being an illness vector. Or just having young kids at home who may be in contact with a range of colds and flu illnesses from their daycare. Maybe you’ve made comments about parenting choices that they strongly disagree with, or they didn’t like the way you held or bounced your own baby.
“Their choices” could just mean that they are limiting who holds the baby, or believe their baby is easily reactive and they want to spare him that, or they have extra-crunchy views that they know you won’t share and they don’t want to get into that with you.
If you are open to hearing the reasons why, then ask, but it will be unlikely to lead to them changing their mind. It may be easier to just let this go.
No it wouldn’t be wrong if you ask, without accusations or similar. “Can I ask why it is you don’t want us holding him, but you’re OK with others holding him?” A direct but neutral question, not “what’s your problem with us?” or “we’re mad that you’ve got double standards”.
It’s not causing drama to ask a question, listen to the answer, and then think about how to proceed. It’s frankly weird that you’ve just been sitting on this for months, being desperate not to “overstep” rather than just have a conversation. You can still respect their answer, even if you disagree with it.
A tiny bit of me wonders if you’ve been so desperate not to overstep that you’ve given the impression that you have no interest in holding the baby, so while they’ve started letting others hold him, they’ve convinced themselves “well, they’ll ask when they want to, but they never bring it up. I wonder why they don’t want to hold our baby? We respect their choices and don’t want to overstep or cause drama by asking.”
People really need to talk to each other more.
Does your family smoke or have a heavy odor that the other family doesn’t? Does your side have poor hygiene or do riskier social/work activities like work with kids or in hospitals or go places where illness is more likely? Offer to wash your hands prior and then ask if it’s not clear why.
Is it a vaccination issue?
Why don’t you just ask your brother why? Didn’t they mention anything when they’ve told you they weren’t comfortable? Since it’s only your family, and not her family, there must be a reason why.
I think it would be fine to ask so long as you approacg it like, “I don’t think I’m inherently entitled to hold your baby, and respect that I’m not allowed to, but if there’s something I could change to make you comfortable I’d like to know.” It’d be really easy to come off like you feel that you deserve to hold to hold the baby and feel slighted that you aren’t, and if you do come off that way you’ll have an argument on your hands.
You could also go the super passive route and say “When you and your partner are ready, we would love to hold the baby.” You could further add, “Do you have an estimated time frame when you would be comfortable?”
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask. Clearly there is something going on. I would be cautious in making any comparison between the two families and the disparity, as it may be seen as accusatory of their choices, even though you seem to have really good intentions.
NTA, talk to your brother privately, but don’t make any accusations. I have a feeling all of this will change when they need a babysitter.