I always thought I would marry someone whom I deeply love and care. But I think it is the most important decision of our life that’s going to make the trajectory of our life change drastically. That’s why i have come to believe that we need to make sure that we are basing our decision on facts and information over feelings. What can I can ask my partner who proposed to me 3 months ago over phone(because we live far apart) to make sure I’m making the right decision?
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Finances, lifestyle goals and savings goals
Kids (how many, what kind of parenting style, contribution by each partner)
Careers and their importance, ie what sacrifices you are and are not prepared to make.
Related – large moves
Approach to family, especially parents.
So many things….
I would make sure you are aligned on what marriage actually means. What are you actually promising to each other? These are some things I wrote down just in case I ever consider getting married again:
My ex husband left me because he didn’t feel like being married anymore. I wish we had talked about how each of us would handle that situation before we got married.
What matters is that you’re on the same page about the future, that you share the same values..
If I had to distill it down to one conversation starter it’d be “where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 .. years”. You should be broadly aligned. Of course there’s compromises etc. but if you’re different on every aspect, that may be hard to combine
How’s your sex life? In my experience, the success of that is going to make or break your marriage in the long term.
As someone who’s engaged, asking people isn’t enough. You can talk yourself until you’re blue in the face about their financial goals or family goals, but if their actions indicate a different reality, or if in more nuanced situations you approach it in radically different ways, you might find those conversations didn’t paint the full picture.
Have you lived with this partner? Have you two been through a major life change together–moving, job loss, illness, family strife? Have you found that when you disagree or when you’re in hardship, both your opinions matter, and that you’re effective at communication even through conflict?
Because otherwise, just three questions will not be a solid foundation for a marriage. You need so much more.
Well for starters. Never marry someone who lives away from you and who you’ve never lived with for at least a year.
That and you two need to be compatible in all areas, especially sexual compatibility and how many kids you want as well as involvement of family/inlaws.
Nothing really, but we were together for nine years before getting married and lived together for 5-ish years prior to marriage.
Important things to know – finances. Are we going to split them or keep them together? Who covers what? I’m sure there will be things you pay for that he will use and the other way around.
Housing – how important is a house, where do you want to live (city vs. suburbs vs. country), what are important aspects of a house (location, size, backyard space, etc.).
Chores and cooking – who does what? When do you do it? Who will be doing errands? Do we value a clean home in the same way? Are our eating habits similar or is he more picky/less picky than I am?
Religion and politics – My husband’s mom is very religious. Will he expect me to go to church? Does he go to church? If we had kids, would he want them baptized? In Catholic schools? Additionally, do we vote similarly? What are our values?
Pets and kids – Do we want them? How many? What kinds? If we don’t want kids, will his family care? How will we handle it? If we do want kids, will parents or family be helping out? Will we need to take time off? Can we afford daycare or will one of us stay home? Who has a job that is more flexible to pick up kids when they’re sick?
Career – Are we happy in our careers? Do we have certain goals for our careers? Do we want to make a certain amount of money? Are we willing to move for our careers? If so, how far? For how much money?
Entertainment/hobbies/family- do they value traveling? Eating out? Going to movies or on dates? Are they going to want to spend multiple days a week with their family or friends? Are they mostly a loner? Will they cool with you going on a vacation on your own or absolutely not?
Family – how much time are we spending with them? Are they nice or invasive? Will they expect to live with us someday? Any family that they’re expecting us to take care of at some point? Any difficulties with boundaries or family needing financial support?
What they consider infidelity and how they feel about things like porn, flirting, provocative accounts, and “just friends” of the opposite sex.
It’s a good idea to discuss that stuff beforehand if you haven’t already.
Based on the frequent descriptions of conflict I see on this site, approach to household chores and maintenance seems like a big one.
Looking back, I’m stunned at how few conversations about important stuff my spouse and I had before marrying. We had similar life philosophies, political views, and we’d lived together. I think we both just assumed everything else we would figure out together.
It’s probably pure luck that we didn’t have conflicts of interest. He moved for my graduate school. Then I moved for his. We took turns with parental leave with the kids. The first sort of big issue we had to work through was who was going to stay home if the baby was sick.
I think this question requires the answers be as specific as possible because I read so many stories on Reddit of couples who thought they were on the same page and they end up clashing. Also, these questions apply to you too:
Does he have any debt and how did it come about? I’d say if it’s pervasive debt he has not been able to reduce for years then he could have a problem with living within his means. If the debt is not medical, education, or from some sort of life crisis, do not marry him
What is the outlook like for being able to buy a home and doing fun things? Is his career in the right path to achieve financial goals together or will it require climbing the ladder? What is the timeline
like?
Is he Liberal or Conservative? Will you be ok sharing the same values when it comes to political inclination
Views on housework: does he believe in taking the baby half the time and doing all the dirty work like diapers and feedings? Or does he make excuses and say he won’t be able to because he will work while you stay home? Observe his habits when you are together – does he clean up after himself or does he have to be corralled and reminded all the time?
Parenting: does he want to be seen as an authority, as a source of comfort, something else? What are the appropriate punishments for different infractions? Does he want to instill interests like sports, music, art, nothing at all? Does he want to push them to academic excellence like to get into an Ivy League? Or does he think it’s a waste of money and time and steer them towards a trade? Will he attend parent teacher conferences or have you do all that?
what is his family like? have you gotten a chance to know them? What is his relationship with them? If they are bad people, it would make sense he didn’t have a relationship, but if he is dodgy about it, he might be the problem
how jealous is he? Is he ok with you having male friendships? Does he have any rules about women’s attire or how they carry themselves? What is ok now as a single but not later as a married?
Will he love you in any way just the same if your body changes for whatever reason? Or does he expect you to maintain yourself?
does he believe cheating is justified under certain circumstances? what does he think of poly relationships? What happens if you fall chronically ill for a while and he can’t get sex?
I would not marry someone I haven’t lived with. I think you should consider closing the distance before signing the dotted line. Marriage is not just a show of love, it’s a legal contract and divorce is not to be taken lightly
I’m confused, for how long have you been together? It seems like you are long distance. Have you seen each other in person??