Hi all, I am 37/f. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life. I had an abusive childhood. My peers really didnt like me, I couldn’t relate to them at all, and I couldnt work out why. As I got older, I bounced from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, and again, I just couldnt work out why. I drank a lot, and did a lot of things that I’m not proud of, because once I started I couldnt stop. Eventually I met a really nice man who I knew I didn’t love, but I knew was a good man, and I felt that if I gave it time then I could fall in love with him. Shortly after this, at age 30, I was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. I was pleased with the ADHD diagnosis (because I thought medication would solve the problem), but the ASD diagnosis devastated me, because I knew it would be with me for the rest of my life. I also suspect I have C-PTSD from the various events that have happened in my life.
The drinking got worse. One night, I had a lot to drink, and I kissed another man. I immediately broke it off with my partner, because I knew I couldnt go on with the relationship, and shortly took up with the man I kissed, who turned out to be incredibly problematic. I have never felt so low in my life, because I knew that my partner was devastated and that I’d really hurt him. The drinking got even worse. I began to self harm. I was put on ADHD medication that caused a hypermanic episode – which I can’t go into the specifics of because I am still too ashamed. I was very, very unwell and very, very unhappy, and I felt so much shame I felt as if it would never go away.
Eventually, I pulled myself out of the hole. I am now on the correct medication. I haven’t been drunk in 4 years. I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis. I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I’ve grieved the relationship with my parents, and learnt appropriate social skills. I got a PhD. I feel completely different from the person I was 7 years ago.
Recently I started dating a man whose childhood sweetheart cheated on him with another man, and is now married to the man. I know he avoided relationships for 15 years as a result, because it devastated him, and I am the first proper relationship he’s had in that time.
The conversation about my ex partner came up last night and I told him honestly what had happened. His reaction was awful (although I don’t think it was wrong). He said he thought I could trust me, that I was just like all the others, that I was as bad as the woman who’d cheated on him. I told him that I wasn’t that person anymore, that I’d learnt from my mistakes and I’d mended my ways. I said that I’d been in a 4 year relationship since then, that I’d ended because I was unhappy and that had been entirely above board. He said that was the bare minimum and nothing to be proud of. He said if I did it to others I’d do it to him. He was so cold and distant that I felt awful, and all the shame came flooding back.
This was yesterday and I still feel awful. I can’t eat or sleep. I don’t think he was wrong for his reaction, although he’s since apologised. But that feeling of shame is back and I can’t seem to shift it. I felt as if I were a reformed sinner of sorts, but I feel now like my past will never go away. I feel deeply unlovable. I think it’s fair to judge others for their past, but equally I am not that person anymore.
How do I get past these feelings? I’m really struggling with this shame. My boyfriend triggered these feelings but I don’t think he was wrong for feeling and saying what he did.
Comments
You kissed – kissed, not slept with – another man while you were significantly unwell and what sounds like a functioning alcoholic.
You’ve since done a ton of work and bettered yourself.
He, on the other hand, seemly hasn’t healed in 15 long years and resents women for something that happened a looooooong ass time ago.
Move on and find someone who’s in a emotionally healthier and more mature place. Stop beating yourself up for a minor mistake made years ago.
You seem like a very self-aware person who has done everything you could possibly do to become a better version of yourself. He probably needs to heal from his own trauma. Some things are beyond our control, and the best thing you can do is forgive yourself for something you did when you were in a dark place and move forward.
Also, congratulations on all the work you’ve done. I think you’re very inspiring, so please don’t be so hard on yourself.
Read “The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health”.
Focus on self love for awhile.
>This was yesterday and I still feel awful. I can’t eat or sleep. I don’t think he was wrong for his reaction
I do!
>His reaction was awful (although I don’t think it was wrong). He said he thought I could trust me, that I was just like all the others, that I was as bad as the woman who’d cheated on him.
This is the reasoning of a misogynist. You aren’t a specific individual who made specific mistakes under specific circumstances, you’re just part of an undifferentiated mass of women who are all out to get him.
No, you kissing another man while in the throes of alcoholism and unaddressed childhood trauma is not “just like” his childhood sweetheart leaving him for another man. Also, if that incident put him off other relationships for fifteen years, he should probably be in therapy about that.
Ew, his reaction was totally over the top, he’s taking out his bullshit on you. Why do you think he wasn’t wrong? It’s because you feel irredeemable, which is not a reality based way of thinking. People do all kinds of hurtful and self-destructive things when they’re not in the right frame of mind. So many people fall into patterns that they never gain control over. You should be so proud of yourself for how you recognized something that wasn’t good for you (drinking) and stopped.
Fuck him and his unaddressed issues.