Hi!
For the first time in my life I’m in a healthy happy relationship with someone and we are so cute and perfect together.
Before that, I never had a long term relationship, only dated and I’ve had sexual relations. I was an alcoholic and I only ever enjoyed sex while very drunk.
I used to be an alcoholic but I’m 5 months sober and now it’s been a month since me and my bf started dating. And I’m really struggling with the sex.
In the past I was known as being really freaky and good at sex, all the guys I been with said I was the best they ever had and they become a bit obsessed with me. Obviously I was so freaky and good at sex because I was always drunk.
Now that I found someone I love I’m sucking at sex this is awful. I’m hoping I will loosen up.
I need advice, I feel like idk how sex is supposed to be when you’re not having crazy drunk sex. I feel like I disappointed and failing him by not being my freaky self.
So what happens is he kisses me or fingers me but I’m just too in my head to enjoy it. And sometimes when I’m enjoying it. I end things too early because I’m shy or I get too flustered and I’m scared what position we will do next, I’m scared if the awkward moments and I feel like I have to pretend a lot during sex. Sometimes I honestly don’t feel anything and I feel bad.
I’m in love with him though and I need advice.
Comments
It could be you being sober and/or it could be you being in something serious now and the emotional vulnerability of being seen as a full person. With casual sex, you can play a part. They don’t really know you. It’s freeing in that way. Is it that you just don’t really see yourself as sexy? Maybe work on that by buying something that you feel nice in and try to feel sexy just as you.
Sex is awkward. Especially in the early stages. And even then, my partner and I have always had amazing sexual chemistry from the start, but funny things still happen or we try something new but it doesn’t quite work out or someone gets a cramp. That’s simply just how it is.
You barely know this guy yet and are in the early stages of dating and getting to know each other. The sex may likely be a little awkward for a while and that’s ok. You will slowly become more comfortable with each other and relax during sex as you get to know each other. Remember, you’re still in the very early stages having only been together a few weeks.
Lean into the awkwardness of it and have fun! Laugh together during sex! Sex is fun, awkward, funny, sexy, hot, passionate… many things. To be honest, I think all you both need is some time and to relax into it. Sex doesn’t need to be so serious and you’re allowed to have little sex ‘bloopers’. My partner and I have many! And it’s so much fun. Sometimes we have fun crazy sex, sometimes it’s passionate, sometimes it’s slow and super intimate and loving, sometimes we really just want to fuck. That’s all part of it! As you get more comfortable together, being awkward around each other will start to feel… less awkward.
Well done and congratulations on your sobriety, and welcome to the wonderful world of sober sex! Where you get to feel all sorts of things… including feeling awkward.
Good for you OP in your new found sobriety – I wish you many good days ahead.
I know this isn’t part of what you’re seeking advice on, but you’ve only been seeing the guy a month and wrote twice in your post how you love him. I’m sure he is great, but just be careful about having an overall investment so soon. The early days of a relationship are fun and exciting, so certainly enjoy them, but it’s probably too soon to say you are “perfect together.”
Here’s hoping it is a satisfying relationship for a long time to come, with yes, plenty of good sex that both of you will enjoy.