What kind but forceful responses can I use?
Here’s the history:
First time (Dec): MIL + FIL “announced” to us that they were combo’ing a trip to pick up their things nearby (they moved recently and have some things left with neighbors) with a visit to see the baby in April. My due date is late April. I texted MIL and said “the answer is no, we will need to decide timeframe based on baby’s health, my health, pediatrician guidelines.” She then went back and forth on it 2x in the same conversation and I said, “to be clear, the answer is no and we will let you know once the baby is here what is acceptable. If you need to pick up your things, don’t plan it around the baby.”
Second time (Jan): MIL said they need to pick up their things and I said, “then why don’t you come in March and we can time with DH’s birthday.” We planned a weekend and then they bailed without telling us. I ended up having to ask a week before and they said they’re not coming that week.
Third time (Feb): MIL pushed my husband separately to give an answer and he said, “my wife means what she says and she already said no. Stop asking us.”
Fourth time (Today): MIL said that her friend got to visit her granddaughter 8 weeks after birth based on vaccine schedules. DH said, “there’s many factors. Stop asking.” I said, “#1, that doesn’t make sense with the CDC guidelines I have here, but also we’ve been clear in the past that we need to speak with our pediatrician first. You are stressing us out by asking.”
Considering this continues to happen (beyond my wildest comprehension… WHYYY) and I’ve now pretty much lost trust over this, would love some advice on kind but clear messaging so that my inner demons don’t come out and scream at her. Thanks!
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MIL – every time you ask I am adding a month to the timeline to recover from the stress of you pressing our boundaries.
Congratulations on the new member of the family.
Next time she asks just tell her to plan on sometime in October (don’t say November or December…you want to keep first holidays for your new family as well).
at this point, there is not much of a “nice” way to say no. MIL has asked four times and MIl has been given the same answer with one time going behind your back to ask your husband.
when the fifth time comes, flat say “no” to the visit and that husband will tell them when it is ok to visit.
MIL has been given solid, logical reasons why no visit, but chooses to ignore and keep asking.
tell MIL if she keeps asking the same question, it will be months before MIL can see your baby.
At this point, DH needs to take over communication and needs to do it in a way where it is BOTH of you giving the information, not the whole ‘Wife said no, stop asking’ response. He is their son so he can be more blunt with shutting them down and enforcing boundaries.