My father started abusing me when I was about 8 years old until I was 15 years old, he was good at manipulating me into believing if I didn’t keep quiet then he would hurt my family. I was always labeled the mouthy problem child that couldn’t respect anyone and had issues with alcohol, I made sure any physical or emotional abuse from my father was directed to me as much as possible because I was already suffering behind closed doors why would I allow my siblings or mom to also suffer. I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and cut my father out of my life, my mom assumed it was due to how he was with us growing up, which she was correct she just didn’t know the extent of it. After some therapy on her end she finally was able to stand on her feet and leave him and take my 2 younger siblings with her. It’s been almost 10 years since I last heard from him personally and about 7 years since I heard anything about him, I truly hope he’s suffering.
I’m with a therapist now starting to unpack my trauma as a child and learn to heal myself, my therapist wants to me consider finally opening up to my mom about the extent of the abuse. But for me I see no benefit, why make her suffer through the ugly truth when I chose to keep it quiet, I won’t feel good about destroying her when I know she hates herself still keeping us around him for so long. So Reddit I plan to take it to my grave and let her stay unaware of it all.
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Really sorry for all you went through and are continuing to go through now OP.
Male here, almost 60, born in the 1960’s and my younger sister and I went through way too much abuse, including being sexually abused.
I’m glad you’re in therapy, I’m a fan of it as long as the therapist is good. like all professions, there are good and bad therapists just like good and bad cops, teachers etc. Hell, there are good and bad restaurants too.
Many go to therapy and the therapist is bad and they swear off therapy forever and that’s dumb.
With that so-called reasoning, when they ate some bad food, they’d swear off eating food forever too.
Just find another therapist if one isn’t good.
I can’t tell you what to do regarding your mother, that is tough.
I’m in a similar boat, though the reasons are different. My mom divorced when I was 2 and I was sexually abused by others but a lot of why and how that happened was due to my mom.
She was mean, abusive, an alcoholic and she’d hit, kick, push us, slap us, twist our skin til we bled with her fingernails etc. I was afraid of her, I grew up walking on eggshells around her and most of all, I was afraid of what she’d go to me if I got into trouble, anywhere, like at school or playing with a friend.
So, when I was being sexually abused, I wasn’t comfortable going to my mom as I was afraid of her, she was mean, she was abusive, she wasn’t safe for my sister or me to confide in.
So no, my didn’t sexually abuse us, but the way she was to us made it so I wasn’t able to confide in her about anything, not just being sexually abused, but anything. She didn’t want to hear it.
She feels bad, wishes we could all go back, she knows she made mistakes but you can’t talk to her about it, she won’t let you, she gets mad etc.
I’ve never told her a lot of bad things happened to me that I couldn’t talk to her about when I was little was due to her being mean, not safe for me etc.
So, like you, I understand not wanting to tell your mom.
Being that you’re in therapy for yourself, that’s good.
Sorry and good luck to you OP.
You’re an angel for this. Sparing your mother the heart break. If you ever want to talk, feel free to inbox me. Can be anything and nothing to do with this.
As a therapist myself, I recommend you get a new therapist.
… that’s .. fucked up. Need any help there are plenty of resources out there. Maybe a professional you could
Talk to …
Not Reddit.
Seriously…
Not Reddit
Forgive my ignorance you are already talking to someone… You probably should tell her at some point , it’s better coming from you…
Whatever decision you make is correct, I hope you feel better unpacking all of that. Your mother may have an idea anyhow, you’d be confirming he suspicion…glad she got away along with your siblings…