I am very far from perfect. I judge others. I get angry, I get frustrated with others. I think about how I would have done something better.
But I really do try and control those urges as best as possible. I do my absolute best to always consider myself the equal of all others.
In essence I try to destroy my ego as much as possible. How successful I have been is up for debate. The only thing that is for certain is that I try and hide my ego as much as possible from myself and from others.
This means I put no concern into things like social status, wealth, education level, whether people like someone else or not. To me I just try and accept everyone as they come 🙂
To the best of my ability as possible I never compare myself to others. I never sell myself. I never brag.
Is there just something about dating and relationships that requires an ego of some sort? I will admit that being autistic has made me realize how clueless I am about so many things.
It gets frustrating always being single. Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by putting zero concern into my status at all?
Comments
Well, what you call “ego” I think most people call being human. You seem to think that how you describe yourself in the first paragraph sets you apart and are traits you should hide. They all sound perfectly normal. Everyone gets angry – it is healthy and right to get angry. What matters is “what” makes you angry and how you manage your anger. Do you channel your anger into constructive change – do you right wrongs? Or do you explode into an irrational and unproductive fit? Everyone gets frustrated. And everyone sometimes think they could do something better.
And I believe if you are honest with yourself you will find that you do put concern into things like social status, wealth and educational level. You wouldn’t mention those specific issues if you didn’t. But again, being concerned about these issues is part of being human. Judging someone by their social status alone is wrong. But ignoring it entirely is frankly, not possible.
All I can suggest is your idea of how you “should” be seems skewed and, honestly, unnatural. Learn to be more honest with yourself about yourself. People respond to other people that come across as open, honest, and human. They tend to realize when someone is dishonest with themselves and trying to mask who they are. We naturally tend to avoid those people.
I thought about saying you might take some psychology courses and read up on “ego” to have a clear understanding. But I think maybe you already have and that is the problem.
I don’t think you know what ego is/means.
There are some good qualities here, controlling your negative emotions and not comparing yourself to others is being a healthy adult.
Selling yourself or bragging will absolutely scare potential dates away, because that’s for them to decide. So you’re spot on there, too.
But, all of this sounds like a “humble brag”, there’s quite a bit of ego showing. Hiding your ego is never going to work. It’s still there. Hiding it makes you come across as disingenuous, and in a relationship, it forces the other person to do your emotional work because you’re not doing it.
I’m not going to come at you like that without trying to help, so here are some big swings and guesses:
You sound pretty chill, and that’s a great start for a relationship, but being too chill can be exhausting to the other person…
-What do you want to do?
-Whatever you want.
-Where do you want to eat?
-Whatever’s good with me.
-What do you like in bed?
-To make you happy.
-Did you like the movie?
-What do you think?
-What did you think about the protest?
-I try not to judge. There are good people on both sides.
—I’m out.
(Ok that last one was an extreme example. Not sure if it helps my point or I was just trying to be funny.)
Hopefully you can see that this gets very boring for whoever you’re dating. It makes it hard to get to know you because you’re not really present in the relationship. At some point it starts to be a lot of work for your partner to decide everywhere you go, everything you do, everything you eat etc. etc. Then they start wondering do YOU even actually like, pizza, hikes, tv at home, etc. And that could possible lead to do you even like me?) Eventually it’s too much emotional work and they’ll leave.
You mentioned you don’t care about education, or wealth, or status, which again, caring too much about those makes you unhappy, but not caring, at all, makes you boring.
You’ve told us what you’re not, what you don’t do, and what you don’t want to do. Approaching dating like that just makes you invisible. A bit of a hole.
Serious question that I’d love to hear the answers to:
What do you want out of life?
What do you want out of a relationship?
What do you like to do?
What are you working towards?
What are some of your favorite things?
Dating takes some risk. You don’t want to sell yourself, but these are the things (the things you like) that you want to put out there, and when someone comes along that likes what you’ve got going on, you have a good chance.
Just in case you were the guy that posted here a few days ago asking if it’s a bad thing to only want a relationship…”A relationship” is a bad answer to what do you want out of life because a potential date can’t really envision what that relationship with you would be like, and you’ll run out of things to talk about real quick.
So be something. Be yourself. Be the good parts of yourself. And in a healthy relationship there will be room for the uncomfortable parts of yourself, too.
Very stupid question about autism if you don’t mind: I try really hard when I don’t understand someone’s communication style not to use slang or idioms because it leads to confusion. Does having autism make slang and idioms difficult for you. I honestly have no idea if it would. I tried not to use any, just in case, but a few crept in.