I (36f) am getting married next Saturday to a wonderful man. But my parents are sabotaging my wedding by deciding not to come at the last minute and convincing others not to either. The below events are making me think my parents are narcissists.
The background:
My dad has a terrible relationship with his older brother, my uncle, with whom I am very close. Several months ago, my dad told me that he would not come to my wedding if I invited my uncle. I did invite my uncle, and so I was surprised when my parents RSVPed yes. I assumed it is because I had a miscarriage recently, and it was devastating, and they were worried about the optics. But two days ago, in response to my text message asking when their flight gets in and if they want to have dinner with my fiancé‘s parents, they again brought up the fact that my aunt and uncle are invited. They accused me of trying to “screw with them“ and said that things would “not end well“ if my aunt uncle are coming, then said:
“To ask your father to be there, but not honor him the action to escort you to your new husband is a super slap in the face with disrespect! Your father and I refuse to be a part of this occasion that would hurt us deeply to be ignored in the traditional sense of this most important ceremony-again. as communicated weeks ago, that if you chose for [aunt and uncle] to attend you mom and dad would not due to past transgressions on your part and [aunt and uncles]. If you need reminders We are happy to provide. This is very disappointing in regards to our perception of
support and sacrifices we have provided over the years to you as well as your brother. We wish you the best in your future endeavors.”
For context, this is my second marriage, and at my first wedding my dad walked me down the aisle and gave a speech. In spite of this, he has convinced other people in the family that I am disrespecting him because he won’t be “giving away” his almost-40-year-old daughter a second time. (The “aisle” is maybe ten feet long, so it’s not really an option anyway, which I had explained.)
Now, after I’ve already paid for the open bar and meals for people, aunts and uncles are canceling so they can “support my dad“—they all say that my dad has “gone through so much” and is in a really hard place right now (which I think is a reference to his likely alcoholism). What do I say to these family members who have allowed my dad to make my wedding about him, and who have canceled on me as I’m sobbing over the phone? My aunt who canceled wants to have a phone call tonight.
Additional context: my parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me my whole life. I have been very low contact with them for years. I just never put it together until getting these texts that the behaviors I’ve observed are narcissistic traits.
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They certainly sound like narcissists. In this group, that word doesn’t have its clinical definition. People use the word to refer to abusers in general.
I had my wedding last week and I did not invite any of my side of the family for these reasons. I just wanted a nice, peaceful, loving wedding and that is what I got.
From my point of view, you just simply have to do the right thing for you, your husband and your future family, even if it offends other people. It is your wedding.
Good luck.
OMG shocking. It’s all about them… well, don’t worry about it.. only abnormal people will listen to their rot. And if they don’t come, good riddance.
It will only be ruined if you let them run it. This is your party and your celebration, not theirs. Let them stay home and be little children, make sure to have a blast and tag them in all the pictures they missed out on.
Tell the people the truth. That your parents are upset that you have invited people near and dear to you and gave you an ultimatum. When you refused to uninvite the people you are close to they decided themselves not to come. Anyone who is so willing to
listen to them without even asking your side isn’t someone who is supportive of you anyway. I know it’s frustrating and it sucks losing the money, but just think of it as the price to pay for peace. Your parents would have absolutely made the day all about themselves and probably started an argument with your uncle and caused a scene. I know of what I speak
More food and booze for everyone else! No but actually, I’m very sorry your parents are behaving this way. Hopefully your other relatives will come to your senses, but it sounds like the wedding will be better if your parents aren’t in attendance.
Trying to talk others out of coming to their daughter’s wedding because they are not getting their way is so freaking immature and gross, my goodness! They want you to beg for their attention and center them. I would just say “thanks for the update. You will be missed” narcissists are chaos demons. They want all this commotion because it’s an event that will be all about you and not them, they have to find a way to make themselves the center of attention
Anyone you have to beg to come to your wedding isn’t someone who deserves to be at your wedding- parents or otherwise. Your day should be about you & only you & if your other family members want to bail out of celebrating your love because your parents are abusive, then thank them for letting you know exactly who they are and return the favor by never engaging with them again.
Your parents, and some aunts and uncles are leveraging a familial connection to try to hurt and manipulate you. Anyone who would do that to you should not come.
It is not a punishment for people who would be unkind to you at your wedding, to not attend.
Your husband is your new immediate family.
The point of a wedding is the marriage between the couple. You need your husband, an officiant, and a witness. That’s all.
Send a message out to family that your father is fighting with you and gotten other family not to attend your wedding, because he’s angry you are not having anyone walk you down a 10 foot aisle at 40 years old, and because you invited your uncle. It is disappointing that so many relatives have turned on you, rather supporting you, over something like this. You suggest they reflect on how they have been treating you. You will be going NC with anyone who refuses to attend your wedding over this.
Then drop it. Refuse to discuss it with anyone who wants to quarrel.
Hire a security guard, preferably an off duty cop. Let him handle any nonsense at your wedding.
Enjoy yourself. Do not let their issues become your issues.
Let them be assholes.
Yes, some of your money will go to waste, but there’s nothing you can do about that.
Don’t bother to have the phone call with your aunt. She just wants to bully you back into compliance. Ignore.
Your wedding can still be an amazing day! And it should be. Just forget them and have a blast. They can’t ruin it if they’re not present, and I bet you have some found family (friends) who love you and will be there for you and are better than your parents anyway. Celebrate!
Hey, so hire someone with a guest list and make sure they can’t show up and make a scene. Sometimes, off duty cops will.
It sounds to me like they are making your wedding a lovely, wonderful, memorable event that you will look back on fondly because they won’t be there to fuck with your head.
They can’t ruin shit. This is your wedding, where you and your partner exchange vows. You’ll have witnesses. Be glad the toxic asshole won’t be there. Because THAT would ruin your wedding.
Walk your own self down the isle , you’ll really stand out in a good way and like you said second marriage ,a grown woman, you don’t need a man to give you away! Proudly, cleary walk into your second chance!
OMG OP I am so sorry. My mom made my wedding a living hell too. I wish my husband and I would have just eloped. Honestly, them not coming is probably for the best and a blessing in disguise. Focus on your husband and the people who show up to support you. If you had friends you had to leave off of the list for family, see if they can take the newly opened spots. Let them have their temper tantrum and call their bluff. They can’t make it, oh well, I know it will hurt but it may make for a better experience all the way around.
…What do I say to these family members who have allowed my dad to make my wedding about him, and who have canceled on me as I’m sobbing over the phone? My aunt who canceled wants to have a phone call tonight…
You say “Good Riddance”
My narc mother took over the planning of my wedding to the point she was even changing the venue. I ended up so frustrated with everything that I ended up eloping instead and we had a bbq with our closest friends for the reception. So this is your day, do not let them ruin it for you and your future husband because this is all about the 2 of you and no one else. If people don’t show up, then it’s time to write them off and start your future with a clean slate
When I look at my wedding photos, I wish I could look at just me walking down the aisle towards my honey. There would be no conflicting feelings or annoyance coming up as there is now, with my father next to me.
I know it feels like a huge waste of money that you’ve spent on meals and drinks that some people aren’t going to consume. Try to think of it as a sunk cost. It’s money that you’ve spent on your wedding and it’s gone. You’re going to get married and it’s going to be wonderful and there’s going to be food and drink for those who attend and it’s all going to be lovely. 10 years from now, you’re not going to think about the extra money that you spent on people who didn’t come. You’re going to think about the wonderful time you had with the people who did come.
I’m sorry that some of your family isn’t great but I’m happy that some of it is. Focus on that part. Be happy with the people who make you happy. This wedding is about you two. Anybody who tries to make you think it’s about them doesn’t deserve your energy.
I hope you and your honey have a wonderful life together.
Concentrate on the things you have any semblance of control over, that matter, imo, specifically your own mental and physical health leading up to your wedding and that of your future husband. Please think seriously about how you want to remember this time and what you can possibly do to make it as good as you can. Chaos people are gonna chaos and the crazy can wait until after the wedding, as it will all be the same to your parents, likely, whether you have a dust up now or later – they’re focusing only on their feelings in the moment, not anyone else’s clearly – but for you this is the start of a new important timeline in your life and I implore you to do everything in your power to make it as beautiful as you can. You deserve it.
P.s. Their letter to you reads like a drunk AI attempt at a ceast and desist crossed with what a middle schooler thinks a threatening business letter would look like. It’s wild.
How sad. At the same time they showed you who they are. In this story they don’t care about you and probably never did. What they call respect is about their prestige and power and not about you even if it’s your wedding. It looks like if they saw it as their crowning. They would probably have caused problems anyway.
Also, many people believe gaslighting over facts. Anyway, are these good people if they are so easily convinced by lies, and care more about someone else than the person for whom this celebration is happening?
Losing people hurts but it hurts maybe more because it is triggering wounds from the past. This type of pain happened to me too and I’m still in the process of working through similar wounds. New events can trigger the same unsettling intensity as when I was a helpless child so I sympathize with your pain.
Take care of yourself, and of your love with someone with whom you have a true reciprocal relationship, and of all the good people who will come. Their warmth and love will be real. Maybe you can invite other friends with whom you would be love to share your day and happiness with.
Cut off your family and extended family and enjoy your day – these blood acquaintances (they aren’t family) are not worth your time.
I know it sucks but for whatever reason weddings bring out the crazy in people. It provides a very valuable opportunity to see clearly for the first time, like wiping the gunk off your glasses. Don’t squander it.
Hold your ground.
If they don’t want to come, that’s on them. Not you. This is your day, not theirs. Not your fault that your dad is a drunk, and not your fault he wants to bring his battles to your special day instead of leaving them at home. You don’t have to apologize for any of their behavior. If you want to and he’s close enough, ask the uncle to take your dad’s place, maybe?
The ones who will be there for you will be there. The ones who won’t won’t. This is a you day, not a them day. Celebrate you.
Furthermore, don’t let anyone guilt trip you. That’s exactly what the aunt wants to do. This isn’t your bridge to rebuild. You didn’t burn it.
And make sure to have lots of candid pictures taken of you at your happiest.
Egads, gadzooks etc. Why do people keep on being upset by narcissistic and/or abusive parents who, when an important occasion arises, do whatever their normal thing is: i.e. be arseholes? Why are you even in contact with them? You have been in low contact with them because of the reasons you stated and, honestly, that is far beyond what the behaviour warranted. You recognised this much but didn’t want to take the next step, the logical step that your own well being demanded.
Just have your wedding without those who are not good for you, move on without them altogether because they’ll never act in a way that is good for you. Don’t engage with the flying monkeys, they don’t have your best interests at heart. They are only there to further damage you for your narc parent’s satisfaction. Don’t look back because that is when you can’t see where you’re going and when you stumble and fall. Those arseholes will then only be there laughing at you not extending a loving hand as normal people would.
A wedding is a ceremony. A couple who are so in love. that they want to stand up in front of *everyone* they know and profess their love for each other.
Are these “saboteurs” really people you “know and love”? If not, ignore them and enjoy your ceremony. They will not be missed.
Good luck and God bless!
Fuck them, why are you feeling so pressured over folks who clearly don’t give two rats ass? At least, you know who really supports you, so cut out the toxic people and their flying monkeys, and smile knowing they outed themselves and you have less drama on your wedding!
I woulda have beamed from ear to ear to have a smaller wedding without the toxic people there.
It hurts now, but you will be happier later.
After dealing with my psychopathic parents at my own wedding, and seeing them ruin all my siblings weddings. I can say without a doubt that them not being there will be the biggest favor they could do for you.
These people will never behave, and will only react to the pressure of the wedding by ruining it for you. It’s wired into these psychopaths.
Never forget that their rage and their “problems” will always be more important than your happiness.
[removed]
Sucks to be them then.
Stop talking to any of them- lose their numbers, hire security and enjoy yourself’
This is a problem?
Having to relate to “family” who can’t ever lt anyone else have something nice without making themselves the center of attention, is a problem. All those fake family self-identifying, and then uninviting themselves sounds like the best possible solution to that problem.
(Too reductive? If so, I apologize. These people are being assholes, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.)
Classic. They wish you the best in your future endeavors? The drama, I am sorry they are super immature. I wouldn’t want them present as this would likely escalate in person.
Enjoy your day with the supportive people who love you. Even if it ends up being a handful, at least they love you unconditionally.
google the JADE technique and ignore them
Don’t let them ruin it, in fact make sure they don’t come! Last minute my nmom made a huge issue about how disrespectful I was when I flew in by not having a full conversation with her. (To be fair she said hi and walked by quickly, my fiance and I just came in from a red eye WITH our infant son.) So when my nmom decided to say we were disrespectful and went to my dad who of course supported her, I said they weren’t allowed to come! Of course, suddenly I was being manipulative and I’d regret it. If your parents truly cared about walking you down the aisle, they’d stfu and walk you down no matter who else was there. My husband and I had a beautiful wedding, and I guarantee if my nmom hadn’t made an oiutbirsr and she was still invited, she probably would have created a different problem at the actual wedding. See this as a blessing!
2nd marriage, you are financing, and you’re almost 40? I wouldn’t be thinking about anyone who doesn’t support me. Girl, enjoy your new husband and I hope you look exactly like you want and your catering and flowers are just as you envision.
No one else matters.
Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 🥳 🎊 👏 💐
I hope you have your uncle walk you down the aisle.
Screw the people who side with your father without even talking to you, I bet your life will be better without them in it.
Have your beautiful special day. It will be even more so now that the narcissist morons you call parents won’t be involved.
Don’t let them ruin this for you, they’re showing you they do not care and will feed into your dad’s bullshit. Tell them that’s fine and until they admit they’re in the wrong and give a genuine apology they’re cutoff. This is your day, don’t let the negativity in.
Don’t have any calls with anyone after they say no. It will just be a guilt trip.
“Sorry you can’t make it. We’ll miss you. No time to chat right now, lots of planning to do.”
Make sure you have passwords on your vendors.
OP I am so sorry that they sabotaging your wedding which shows they have zero respect for you. If they can sabotage your wedding this will not end just there. You are the one getting married soon and they have no right to disrespect
Since mumzilla and dadzilla do not want to come, consider that you are better off having a blissful toxic-free day without them
Your parents’ behaviour is ridiculous and completely unhinged. I know it is wayyyy more complicated than ‘good riddance’, but please try to have a good time despite these creatures’ and their flying monkeys’ horrid treatment of you. Their presence would poison the event more than their absence.
Also, congratulations to you and your partner!
Those bastards really know how to dig the knife in where it causes most hurt. Well, at least you know where you are with the narc supporters. I’d send an email to them telling them how disappointed you are in them all for helping your father ruin your wedding as his revenge for you inviting your uncle, then I would cut them all out of your life and move on without your parents or any of them.
You are about to get married to the love of your life who you will spend the rest of your life with. Your parents cannot sabotage your love and happiness, just stop people who don’t even deserve to be there from coming to the wedding.
You ask them what kind of man actively sabotages his daughter’s wedding for his own vindictive purposes. And then you disinvite them and enjoy your wedding in the company of people who don’t capitulate to bullies and put your needs last.
Sounds like it could’ve been my wedding! Right down to the aunt I invited that my mum hates (why are you inviting her, you know what she did to me!), my sister RSVPing yes then using this as a way to be an over the top drama queen martyr for months leading up (gay wedding and she is extremely homophobic, “oh isn’t it great that sis is coming, it’s so big of her”) and for her to keep changing her mind on the RSVP because it’s “so hard for her” and finally the no one walking me down the aisle to “give me away” (small beach wedding with no aisle, “what are people going to think!”). We were so close to eloping.
If I had my time again, I know what I would’ve done differently. So I would recommend you do this:
Ignore your dad’s tantrum. People will believe what they want to, until you tell them otherwise. (My friends saw my sister at my wedding and commented that “oh she must be all fine with you guys now,” then I reminded them that no, here’s the drama she caused in the lead up….)
Carry on your wedding with your uncle and whoever else decides to come
Of course, this is much harder in reality and people will chuck tantrums but you have to be strong. Maybe it will make your relationship with your uncle better? Maybe he can be your “dad” instead.
My psychologist says families like ours like to keep us close enough that they can still punch us. Of course your parents will come because they won’t be able to make a drama and be the centres of attention if they don’t.
I don’t envy you, good luck….
I’m so sorry this is happening, especially during a time that should be so special for you.
It certainly does sound like your parents are attention-seeking, and jealous of others in the limelight. And, from your description, it seems like they worked hard to tie you up in emotional knots, while blaming you for the tangle. It’s like a page out of my childhood.
Since you described your parents as the saboteurs, I’m assuming a drama-free wedding is preferable to adjusting your invitation list and cancelling the bar.
So, no parents at the wedding. You have a couple of options: you can just stop communicating with your parents – go no contact. Don’t answer anymore since it’s just more of the same. You can go low contact with the relatives on their side – keep the responses simple.
Or you can let your parents know you’re sorry to hear they’re sending their regrets.
And (optional) you can send a (ignore the irony) message to the familial invite list letting them know that, having been provided with more insight into your father’s recovery, you’ve accepted your parents’ regrets. Although you’re saddened your parents won’t be there, you want to share your day/celebration with close family and friends and are looking forward to hearing attendance confirmation.
As others have pointed out, please be sure your vendors know that only you can make adjustments for your wedding by having a special code word. Just in case your parents want more attention by doing a bit of sabotage.
I hope you are able to shut out their noise, and disrespect. And all best wishes for the upcoming day.