Im going to tell you what I’ve been going through since my freshman year of high school. I’m mostly berated on all of my shortcomings. Nobody in my family recognizes me for who I am, but the things I’ve gotten wrong in my life.
I’ve grown up now, and yeah I’m only 22 but I’m tired of trying to live up to this extreme standards of everyone around me. But again I don’t want to let down the only people I’ve ever had close to me. My best friend is the only person who has ever looked at me honestly and accepted me with my shortcomings. I barely understand myself sometimes, but I don’t understand why my family refuses to smile or act friendly towards me, they only ever ask me to do things for them. It’s hard. I don’t understand why they can’t show love for me.
I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I go to work sick, I come home tired just as everyone else, so why am I the only one who can smile and genuinely be happy about seeing the people I love? Am I being constantly used? Am I doing something wrong? I don’t know what they expect of me. Why am I always their scapegoat for problems. I feel worthless. Sub-human sometimes.
I sit in my room after trying to talk or improve stuff with them, and I run that shit through my head constantly “am I enough?” And I don’t think I am. I can’t be everywhere and do everything for everyone and not feel like a pack mule. I’m on meds and they help, but they aren’t enough, I escape through books and games, that’s it though. And I get berated for my hobbies too. I don’t know what I’m doing that’s so wrong? I work, I do what they ask, I give them money for rent and bills, I am friendly, loving, and respectful towards them but they refuse to do that back to me.
It’s heart wrenching being in this house, I feel more appreciated at work in the customer service industry than I do at home. How is that possible? I get complaints all day yet I get to help them and most are overly appreciative more than my family ever would be.
WTF am I doing wrong and should I just give up trying to appease them? I get people have shit going on through their head cause I’m one of them. But when is enough enough? I’ve been dealing with this for 6 years now.
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You got lotsa time, don’t worry. You have no idea what’s about to happen.
Sometimes it’s good to walk away and find who you are without the eyes of your family on your back.
I mean if you associate these feelings with your family that’s a bad sign. Even if they weren’t to blame and it’s all internal perhaps it’s time to move away and digest things. Find other influences, other people… life is also about creating your own family and group. Like your friend who looks up to you, your family isn’t your only circle.
Plenty of folks around who can attest that family can hold you back and keep you down, even if they don’t mean to, simply because they are damaged too. Often damaged people will drag others down to their level, cuz they cannot accept or envision a better way, they’ve never been shown. And thus you’ve never been shown a better way. A better life and a better you. But it exists and you can create it, which is what growing up means.
A family should always want their loved ones to be better , to grow up beyond their own constraints. But some families cannot act , they are damaged and limited and they want to limit all around them.
You need to build your own life, even if that means saying goodbye to comforts and support you feel you cannot do without. Sometimes people are practically locked in or think they are locked in, either through guilt, or being made to feel they cannot leave, cuz of health or dependencies.
But you can always leave, and you should leave, leave the nest and a true family will support you in doing so, cuz they want you to grow upwards. If they aren’t helping you grow into a better live, they are shackles that you need to let go off.
I think your post shows you want to love yourself and want to be an empathic better person that loves their family. This shows some strength, but don’t let that be the shackle that they can use to keep you down.
Your best friend’s the life raft here. Cling to them like a pensioner to a conspiracy theory. And “enough” was roughly five breakdowns ago. Love’s not a debt you pay off by letting vampires drink your joy. Get out, write a memoir titled “I Survived My Family and All I Got Was This Crippling Self Doubt,” and let their toxicity collect dust like an unused gym membership.