So, I (35M) have been married to my wife (34F) for 6 years. We have a great relationship in most ways — we laugh a lot, we’re great teammates in life, and we support each other. But when it comes to sex, things have gone… cold.
For the past year or so, we’ve only had sex maybe once a month. Every time I initiate, I get a sigh or a “not tonight.” So I stopped initiating. A few weeks ago, she noticed and asked why I hadn’t tried to have sex with her in a while.
I was honest. I told her that I was tired of feeling rejected, and I didn’t want sex unless she actually wanted it too — not just doing it out of guilt or obligation. She got quiet and said, “I don’t mind doing it for you, I know you need it.”
I told her I didn’t want sex that felt like a chore to her. That I’d rather go without than feel like she was just checking a box.
She took it badly. Said I was being dramatic and should just accept that this is how marriage works — that it’s “not always fireworks.”
Now she’s been distant and cold, saying I “shamed” her and made her feel like a bad wife for trying to give me something I needed. But I still feel like I did the right thing by being honest about what I want.
So, AITA for telling my wife I don’t want “pity sex,” even if it means less sex overall? Or am I being unreasonable for wanting more than just physical release?
Comments
NTA. You didn’t shame her — you set a boundary. There’s a huge difference between intimacy and just being used as someone’s chore list.
You weren’t asking for porn-level passion every time — you just wanted to feel wanted. That’s not dramatic, that’s human.
Honestly, most people underestimate how much emotional rejection during sex can hurt over time. It kills confidence, desire, and connection.
Good on you for being honest. Real intimacy comes from mutual enthusiasm, not silent obligation.” 🔥💬💯
NTA but why do I feel like OP is being gaslighted
NTA try something different add some spicecin your sex life and then see
NTA
Also if you’d like you can checkout r/deadbedrooms
NTA- you were clear with your intentions and you respected her boundaries, if she has an internal conflict to solve… then that’s on her honestly, you didn’t do anything wrong.
You are totally in the right however she is very sensitive so you will have to go about this vulnerably and gentle and you will need to compromise . just be aware she might start spilling a lot of feelings and you should take it as just that and move towards a mutual agreement on how your sexual life will be comfortable for both of you . but for this you will have to be a bit submissive
NTA though I suggest that she have her hormone levels checked.
If you look on Instagram, there are some really good people regularly making videos about relationships. I one of the things they explain is that sex has a foundation, and the foundation consist of 1 million little interactions that enrich the relationship. Sex is like the frosting on the cakeor the tip of the iceberg. In order to have sex and have that feeling, everyone needs to have hormonal balance and enough rest, and then they need to have a nice rich closeness. That is something you have to cultivate. Surprise surprise.
ESH – take the pity sex, maybe she’ll end up enjoying it again. Maybe you’re not doing something for her to enjoy about it? This isn’t one person’s fault and I bet you already know that.
Nta.
She’s not being honest with you about why she isn’t interested in having sex with you as much.
There is a mental block happening that is keeping her from wanting to be with you intimately and until she’s honest about that, both of you will suffer.
NTA. You spoke your mind. You did not shame her, but sure as shit a females are masters of emotional manipulation. It does not take a 10 year study to know obligation sex is emotional harmful.
Important rule: when you offer pity sex tell him it’s because you just noticed how damn sexy he is. Nobody likes pity sex.
NTAH. She’s the one with an issue, not you. She feels bad because she has lost power over you.
Better to be honest. You can’t fix the problem if you don’t first acknowledge it.
I suggest counseling. From the way, your post is worded, it sounds like you used to have more sex before. Don’t know if she was actually enjoying it or just doing it to check a box. Maybe she is asexual or lesbian
if you had addressed this before – hadn’t checked in with how she’s feeling about y’all and sex and herself, and you just kind of dumped this on her then, yeah tiny bit of TA
having gone through a completely cold bed marriage, i can tell you pity sex is MUCH better than no sex
why can’t you to discuss what’s wrong with the sex and how to improve it
So what exactly were the prompts you used when you asked AI to write the story?
INFO: what does sex look like when it does happen?
NTA- If your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, then it’s time to start looking for a solution, either therapy (almost never works), medical checks, or even finding a new partner. Trust me you don’t want to get stuck in a dead bedroom for the rest of your life. It only breeds resentment. Your wife has absolutely zero right to be offended or shamed. She is the cause of this issue.
You aren’t an ass hole, you’re the GOAT, don’t ever change. I think your wife or any man/woman, would respect you more for saying that
At 34, she might have started perimenopause. My sex drive took a nose dive with it.
Both NTA and YTA. You have to talk about things like this as adults in an adult relationship, so NTA, but to leave it so long was silly.
You want a partner who wants to be with you, not a roommate. NTA
NTA! You were honest & being rejected is a great excuse for not initiating!
NTA, you were honest with her about your reason and wishes, didn’t throw expectations onto her, or demand she change for your sake. The only thing I would suggest is that you have a talk with her about your clearly two different libido levels, it’s as if she’s asexual – as in she has little to no sexual desire/doesn’t put much to any value on sex in connection to romance and relationship, – and you’re at the very least normal in terms of sexual desire and libido, if not higher?
You should talk together and try to come to an understanding of each other’s sexual needs, then work towards coming to some kind of solution, compromise, agreement, or something that will help your relationship be better.
Honestly couples therapy would probably help with communication
NtA.
Check the deadbedrooms sub. Adress this before it turns into resentment.
Another AITA post where someone gets called “dramatic.” 🙄
Mrs OP should be thinking about ways to get her head back in the game and initiating instead of being a sook about a fair point. This is potentially a marriage wrecker. NTA
Sex isn’t just about getting off. It’s an out feeling wanted and desired and connecting with our partners. If my partner doesn’t want me like I want them…I’m not interested.
Nta and your not alone in this. I’d rather crank one out than have sex with a dead fish. If she’s not into it than no thanks.
Nta. Shes being ridiculous.
It’s over bro
You are actually respecting her for not turning her into your private sperm dumpster. I’m at the point that I stopped asking. I’m not going to beg.
The bigger question is why doesn’t she want to have sex with you any more? Did you all talk about that?
Nta you were absolutely correct and communicated well even if she took it wrong. I would see why she sees it as a chore because it’s not fireworks everytime it happens which is okay because it’s that time to you guys and loving on each other so it doesn’t have to super amazing everytime.
NTA and she actually is a bad wife. Not because of the no sex but because instead of trying to understand your feelings she dismisses them. She turns the issue around on you, throws a hissyfit while victimising herself.
So what are you doing to make it enjoyable for her? Something to look forward to? You may have heard this before but women want to be turned on, put in the mood. If it feels like a chore, you might get off but she probably won’t.
Your the AH for allowing this . You’re not her husband . Anyone who say she a great wife except basically no sex is a simp . She sees you as a roommate or a friend . Your young , tell
Her you are getting a divorce , when she starts to complain say thsts how marriages work, when only one person tries or is happy it’s not a marriage . She want counselling say no you go and figure out why your not attracted to me and want a sexles marriage . She will blame you thst you work to much or not enough date nights etc all crap . She can plan those too . She sees you as a simp
NAH
Unless she’s entirely asexual, there is a reason she’s not responding to your initiations. Have you looked into spontaneous vs reactive desires? She may be reactive, so just approaching her sexually kind of all of the sudden isn’t going to entice her. And if you keep doing it, it becomes something she dreads happening b/ she knows she loves you and should want to have sex with you, what’s wrong with her that she’s not responding the way you are? Responsive desire people are enticed by the build up, and just feeling loved and cared for.
How often to you kiss her, like really kiss her, without trying to move it to something more? And I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, if you have a spontaneous desire then this totally makes sense for you. But she may be basically a different desire language.
Had exact same conversation with my wife. Sucks and sorry.
Marriage doesn’t work that way… That’s how she works. NTA
Marriage doesn’t work that way… That’s how she works. NTA
My wife felt that way. Said I could have sex with her anytime I wanted. I tried that a week later and went soft in her. It’s intolerable being tolerated. That was in 2005. We’ve been celibate since. I don’t recommend it.
She’s a frigid skeezer. That’s not how marriage works
no you’re in the right. men do not “NEED” sex any more than a woman would so thats just a very off way to think about things.
NTA at all–what you said made complete sense. pity sex will make both you and your wife feel awful and will definitely build up resentment with her feeling obligated to “perform” and you feeling undesired. i think you two need to have an open and honest conversation about your intimacy and maybe figure out what changed for her. i don’t quite get why she’s upset, but this is definitely something y’all can work through, you just need to have a bit of an uncomfortable conversation.
NTA she wants you to think you’re lucky to be getting once a month unenthusiastic pity sex. Like that makes her a good wife when it actually makes her a bad one. All the positive things you listed about her to me wouldn’t make up for making me feel unwanted and like sex is undesirable. It would make me feel like I was raping her every time we have sex from now on. If it’s not a enthusiastic Yes it’s a No and it sounds like she’s never been enthusiastic
NTA but you are both looking at sex wrong. Sex isn’t this stand alone thing that happens or doesn’t. Most relationships get stale because they view sex as its own thing. Sex should be a byproduct of a healthy relationship. You two need to spend more time focusing on each other as individuals and find ways to connect and have fun together. When you can both do that the sex will come naturally. And when sex does happen don’t do the usual thing, re-explore each other and it will change the game.
Nah man…if it’s not enthusiastic participation it’s not happening…
Anything else just seems ick.
NTA, idk what the hell game she was running but it backfired. Now, she’s trying to play victim in a mess she created. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re not being unreasonable, and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about.
NTA
If she is allowed to not want to have good sex, you are definitely allowed not to want to have bad sex.
NTA, but you need to talk more. What’s the reason she’s now not into sex? Is it libido? Is it you? Is it everyday life being too much? Is it meds/illness? Menopause? It shouldn’t be treated as “this is marriage”, because no it’s not. It’s completely normal to keep wanting your spouse for the rest of your life if all is good.
Something’s up and she’s not telling. Try to give her a safe space to talk (not accuse or argue). Could be that she wants kinkier stuff or she wants you to do more housework. Could be a hormonal change or new meds. Could be that she’s not that into you anymore for reasons. TALK.