All I want to someone finally look at me and realise I am not a good person. Someone to see that in reality I’m actually bad.
People tell me I’m not evil because I don’t do all of this cartoonish stuff they associate with it or say that people I hurt were just sensitive.
I just want someone to see I’m a bad person and tell me that they understand. That maybe they’ll help me be better, but will accept that at my core, I am evil.
The only things that works for me to not hurt others is to stop existing, but there is someone that would hurt too. I just want to be accepted as a person I am.
EDIT: I’m not here to listen more people trying to tell me I’m wrong about who I am. That’s what I’m sick of.
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What have you done to hurt others?
Evil people don’t feel like they’re evil. People who feel evil were either convinced of that by someone trying to be cruel to me them, or feel like they need to be punished for something.
Does either one of those sound applicable to you?
You need to take your meds.
It’s gonna be ok OP. You are not evil. Everyone hurts someone at some point. You are simply human.
Okay, im here to listen and ask questions.
How did you come to realize you are evil? Are you more evil than other people, or is it that everyone is evil and you are simply more self aware?
I’m also not sure I fully grasp what being evil exactly means in your perspective, so id appreciate it if you could elaborate on that a little.
Okay. So you’re evil. You have enough self-awareness clearly to make some kind of change. Take that and reflect on what’s been making you hurt people and change it.
Why do you feel the need to prove it to people around you? Why not put in the effort to show people you’re capable of good instead? If you’re truly evil, you wouldn’t be reflecting so hard on it because you’d be too evil to care. You clearly care.
Based on this thread, you do seem very unpleasant and self centered.
Hope that helps.
That said, being self absorbed doesn’t mean self aware and you don’t sound self aware. You just sound immature. Hopefully you’ll outgrow it.
How would strangers know if you are a bad person or a good person?
Nobody ever believed me, either – people saw my actions, but not my thoughts. Eventually, I decided that maybe the only way to measure someone was by their actions. If I do good things and avoid doing bad things, that’s close enough for me.
Trying to define good and bad in any meaningful way can be a nightmare though.
I’m sorry you don’t feel seen or understood. I’m not sure if you view yourself negatively (“bad”) or are using some external measurement you’ve been taught, but I hope you find peace and a productive social niche that suits you.
You know what, I get this. Vast majority of the time when I don’t like myself and people try to tell me good things about myself, I hate me even more.
So, I’ll bite. You’re evil.
Now work on being better. It can be done. Good things don’t have to be some big monumental thing. Holding the door open for someone like you said, is a nice thing to do. Being a good person or trying to be a good person, is a collection of a lot of good little things throughout the day. We’re not all provided with the opportunity to do something big (nor do we really want to, because something big usually means someone was in danger and you had to be there to protect them, but we’d all prefer that someone is not in danger at all, for example).
You seem to want to pass off responsibility to other people by telling them “I’m evil” and making them responsible for watching you and being careful of you.
But the thing is, pretty much all of us can relate to hating ourselves at one point or another, and thinking we are so much worse than we are. Catastrophizing bad things as world-ending to ourselves, making us undeserving of love and acknowledgement.
That means when someone tells us they hate themselves or they are evil, we might actually be less likely to believe them. It instead makes us want to help. People in general want to help, and it can actually hurt them to think that you think so badly of yourself whether or not you are right about yourself since they can empathize with it so much.
Evil vs good is such a childish concept, a false dichotomy. Nobody is evil and nobody is good, everyone is evil and everyone is good, it all depends on the fabricated concepts of morality and the rules of what is acceptable and what is not, which are evolving and changing. Deviate enough from the commonly accepted rules and norms and you may be considered “evil” in a way – if this has some worth to you, good for you, but in the end it is just a word devoid of any actual meaning or usefulness, it’s simplicity masking other things in your head.
Do not lie to yourself, being called evil will not actually help you in any way, the fairy tale you tell yourself is so hollow even you realize it. There are other things you found within you that you are afraid to look at, that is why you have this “need”, to hide and obscure them, from you. Do not be afraid, whatever you found inside is not actually real, it is all in your head. Reality is much more simple, boring and abrupt, the sooner you embrace it the better. Children live in their heads, adults live. So let the adult you come out a bit more, the child may never leave (same applies to all of us) but it doesn’t have to be on the forefront all the damn time.
Stay real. Peace.
If you want the cold hard “un-feely” response: my honest opinion is that “evil” is a metric that does not truly exist.
Humans are animals, they are fallible, at times selfish, at times giving and nurturing etc. “Good and Evil” to me is a childish way of looking at human responses to feeling insecure, moments of selfishness, a desire to have control, overblown reactions, lack of control over their emotions, etc. It’s a biblically dramatic term I’d only reserve for those who are actively ruining the lives of hundreds and thousands, and even those peoples’ actions are based on animalistic urges to accrue wealth, power etc. There’s no magic scale measuring how many points you’ve got for getting the “Evil” ending. It’s an unhelpful term.
Based on your other comments, it sounds like you are jaded and apathetic from depression which is bleeding you dry of hormonal input and you are acting out in ways to get any sort of “rise” out of yourself. Same way as someone emotionally numb may harm themselves just to “feel” something. You need ways to feel better about yourself and are resorting to cheap and easy shortcuts for it. And YEAH, it’s not a good way of going about it. If you want to hear it so badly, yeah, I’d say it’s bad. There you go.
But people are right when they say someone truly inherently unforgiveably “evil” would not care to the degree you seem to.
And I’m going to be honest but you may be harshing yourself a bit too much on things like “Telling a friend depressing stuff”, sure it’s a hard thing for a friend to hear…but hardly an action of cruelty. Just human.
Change is not fast, easy or a linear path. It’s a constant process that will have slip-ups,
But if you make a mistake and get so stuck in a loop of self-deprecation, calling yourself evil so much you eventually believe it…you’re also giving yourself an easy pass to stop trying as hard. Because it’s “Just the way I am”.
Evil or not, the way you feel right now is not what you’re consigned to forever. I’ve heard this kind of talk before from a friend whom I can confirm was just a pretty chill guy going through some shit. He found ways to apply himself to things that gave him a will to live.
If you have to visualize self improvement as being a villain getting their redemption arc, then so be it.