Long story short I currently take birth control for hormonal acne. I also don’t want 15 kids when I get married and don’t believe in the Catholic church’s stance on NFP / birth control being a mortal sin.
However, my current bf was studying to be a Jesuit priest before he met met and is a very devout Catholic.
Him and I have been together for 10 months. We are both waiting until marriage to be intimate however, I’m worried about this causing huge problems if we were to get married in the church.
I love him, but I don’t know what to do. I’m a non-denominational Christian. He also told me he doesn’t see himself considering engagement for 2.5-3 years since we started dating in May.
I’m a non-denominational Christian and my beliefs are a lot more laid back than his.
Comments
In my mind you’ll be old enough and so will the relationship that that time frame seems reasonable and good. Am I missing something?
How 30s? There’s a big difference between 31 and 39 in this scenario if you want kids at all – do you?
What do you like about him?
What causing problems? You think you can’t have a church wedding if you’re taking birth control pills?
What does he say about you taking the pill while planning to spend the rest of your life with him?
If you plan on having kids together, will you raise them in the Catholic church? There is a lot involved in raising kids to be devoutly Catholic. Would he want you to convert? This seems like a discussion that should be had.
I was raised Catholic and so was my husband, but we used birth control. We had three kids and did not want/could not afford more. A lot of devout Catholics use ovulation calendars/natural family planning which is not as reliable.
There are medical exemptions made by the Church for using birth control. I’m a Catholic woman and am waiting for intimacy with my partner after marriage, but also use birth control for hormonal acne and endometriosis
“[So, from the Church’s perspective, it is morally licit to use the Pill for off-label therapy under the principle of double effect if other treatments are not available or feasible. In this case, the good effect is the treatment of a serious ailment, and the unintended evil effects arise in the form of a myriad of health risks and the neutralization of fertility. This last effect would not be an “evil” if the woman in question was firmly committed to living a chaste life.(https://www.catholic.com/qa/birth-control-for-medical-reasons)
Ultimately, as a non denominational Christian, you may find Catholicism quite different than what you’re used to. And if 2-3 years may be too long for you – that’s ok! Especially if you’re 33-36 now. Talk through it. Does he expect you to convert? Do you expect him to leave the Church? These are conversations to have
When you told him how you feel about religion, BC, and that you do not want to have a huge family, how did he respond?
Seriously, you can ask strangers on the internet what they think about this stuff, but none of our opinions matter.
His thoughts, feelings and beliefs and your thoughts, feelings and beliefs are all that matters.
You need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel.
Do it soon. Do not waste 2-3 years of each of your lives, waiting to see if you are compatible on these big issues.
Good luck, and best wishes.
Here’s the thing; as religious as he is, he will feel that his faith trumps your laid back beliefs. If he doesn’t insist on you converting, he’ll insist any children be raised in his faith, not yours.
If you don’t care and don’t mind converting, that’s one thing. But if you DO care, yeah, it could be a real huge problem anytime he thinks you need to cave on something because of his faith.
The question you need to ask yourself is if he is worth it to you. Could be a lot easier to end things now and find someone not quite so rigid.
Wait what is your issue? Are you saying you are worried about getting married in the church since you take birth control? Before there is any discussion of engagement you need to talk A LOT about your religious beliefs and your plans for kids. You need to be crystal clear on what you want and what you believe. So does your boyfriend. Those two issues can kill a marriage. I can’t imagine marrying someone or belonging to any religion that says I don’t have autonomy over my own body. Maybe that is OK to you though.
Are you worried that he doesn’t even want to become engaged for 2.5 to 3 years? Because you think you will be getting too old to have kids? Because you aren’t having sex until then?
I have no idea how to answer those questions. But again, marrying a Catholic or any conservative religious denomination, probably only works if you are equally devout. If he were a Christmas and Easter church goer that would be one thing. But a devout ex Jesuit. He may be a great guy but it is hard to imagine settling down with a woman who doesn’t share his faith.
These are all things you need to be discussing with him, and if you can’t come to agreement, you break up
This is a huge cliche, I know, but: is he gay?
Seriously.
Whether he is or not: I think you know this isn’t the relationship for you. Are you willing to wait another 2.5 or 3 more years, plus however long the actual engagement is, plus whatever delay dones after that?
If you started dating in May and he says he doesn’t see an engagement for 2 to 3 years. Meaning you wouldn’t be getting pregnant for another 4 to 5 years if that time line is true. Your issue isn’t 15 kids. Your issue will be having one kid if you’re already in your 30s. See if you can agree on what life will be and how to raise the kids and take it from there.