AITA for not having my wedding based on my SIL’s schedule?
I (26F) am a Canadian living in Germany, with my German fiancé (27M). We have been together for 6 years and we are planning our wedding to be in summer 2026.
My MIL & FIL are both doctors and my SIL (25F) is in med school. My family is from a regular middle class background, we are not doctors, we don’t have fancy cars or expensive hobbies. My fiancé and I grew up very differently. My SIL has never had a full-time job, she drives a luxury German car, has her [second] horse, has all the latest Apple products, and her rent completely paid for by her parents.
My in-laws are completely estranged from their families — MIL doesn’t talk to her siblings or parents, they “kicked her out of the family”. My FIL also doesn’t talk to his mom or his brother, claiming them to be toxic. Therefore, my fiancé has no “real” family in Germany except for his immediate family: mom, dad, sister, and by extension, the sister’s boyfriend.
I have a big immigrant family in Canada and a lot of friends. Our international friends have all expressed enthusiasm to travel to Canada for the wedding. I moved to Germany to be with my partner. My partner and I are planning the wedding over 16 months in advance to (1) save up enough to pay for it ourselves and (2) ensure that all the people important to us can come. We know it is a big ask for our non-Canadian guests (mainly friends, as no family aside from the immediate were gonna be invited). Last week, we signed a venue contract to secure our date in July 2026. We mentioned to both our families that July was our target month as it’s a beautiful time in Canada and after the FIFA World Cup.
After signing, we made a Save-the-Date graphic and sent it to our immediate families + closest friends (max. 10 people so far). My family was thrilled, my MIL’s first response was: “Why didn’t you consult us and your sister first? That’s during her exam season.” A few days later, my in-laws decided to cancel their stay with us (we live in different German cities) and said they are offended by our actions for not consulting them on the date and have now decided not to go to our wedding in Canada, to be in solidarity with their daughter, who may have an exam on that date. My SIL’s exam schedule is not released until mid 2026.
My partner and I are paying for this wedding ourselves. My in-laws are also threatening to “kick my fiancé out of the family” because we are “selfish.”
My in-laws will be in town next week and want to set up an “appointment” to discuss this and how the “family will move forward.”
Are we the assholes in this? Should we change the date because my SIL might have an exam during this time? BTW the wedding date is on a Saturday and money is no issue to my in-laws. My partner and I are completely financially independent from both of our parents.
This wedding is taking place 15 months in the future.
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AITA for not having my wedding based on my SIL’s schedule?
I (26F) am a Canadian living in Germany, with my German fiancé (27M). We have been together for 6 years and we are planning our wedding to be in summer 2026.
My MIL & FIL are both doctors and my SIL (25F) is in med school. My family is from a regular middle class background, we are not doctors, we don’t have fancy cars or expensive hobbies. My fiancé and I grew up very differently. My SIL has never had a full-time job, she drives a luxury German car, has her [second] horse, has all the latest Apple products, and her rent completely paid for by her parents.
My in-laws are completely estranged from their families — MIL doesn’t talk to her siblings or parents, they “kicked her out of the family”. My FIL also doesn’t talk to his mom or his brother, claiming them to be toxic. Therefore, my fiancé has no “real” family in Germany except for his immediate family: mom, dad, sister, and by extension, the sister’s boyfriend.
I have a big immigrant family in Canada and a lot of friends. Our international friends have all expressed enthusiasm to travel to Canada for the wedding. I moved to Germany to be with my partner. My partner and I are planning the wedding over 16 months in advance to (1) save up enough to pay for it ourselves and (2) ensure that all the people important to us can come. We know it is a big ask for our non-Canadian guests (mainly friends, as no family aside from the immediate were gonna be invited). Last week, we signed a venue contract to secure our date in July 2026. We mentioned to both our families that July was our target month as it’s a beautiful time in Canada and after the FIFA World Cup.
After signing, we made a Save-the-Date graphic and sent it to our immediate families + closest friends (max. 10 people so far). My family was thrilled, my MIL’s first response was: “Why didn’t you consult us and your sister first? That’s during her exam season.” A few days later, my in-laws decided to cancel their stay with us (we live in different German cities) and said they are offended by our actions for not consulting them on the date and have now decided not to go to our wedding in Canada, to be in solidarity with their daughter, who may have an exam on that date. My SIL’s exam schedule is not released until mid 2026.
My partner and I are paying for this wedding ourselves. My in-laws are also threatening to “kick my fiancé out of the family” because we are “selfish.”
My in-laws will be in town next week and want to set up an “appointment” to discuss this and how the “family will move forward.”
Are we the assholes in this? Should we change the date because my SIL might have an exam during this time? BTW the wedding date is on a Saturday and money is no issue to my in-laws. My partner and I are completely financially independent from both of our parents.
This wedding is taking place 15 months in the future.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) we are taking the action in which we are trying to contact the family but they are completing ignoring and rejecting our calls. We are even open to discussing this with them in person.
(2) We might be the assholes because we didn’t ask for her schedule before we signed the wedding venue contract and she is the sister of the groom.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Sounds like your in-laws have a favourite kid.
You’re not an asshole, though I can see why they might be slightly miffed/hurt that it was scheduled during a time she might not be able to make it, especially given how few family members your fiancé has. That being said, they’re acting like petulant toddlers by refusing to show up and threatening to also kick your SO out of the family.
If worse came to worst, your SIL would have simply had to decline attending and you guys would have needed to graciously accept that if it turned out to be the case.
NTA.
And don’t go to this “appointment”. If your fiancé wants to go, let him, but you don’t have to put yourself through this. If your future inlaws prefer not to go to their son’s wedding because their daughter might have an exam on that, something you won’t know until next year, it’s on them, not on you.
You chose a date. You invited them. An invit is not subpoena. They have the right to not accept the invitation. Something tells me that your inlaws don’t have contact with the rest of their family for a really good reason, ie they’re jerks.
INFO: do you want SIL to be there? Does your fiancé consider her presence important?
Exam season isn’t about the days the exams are on, specifically. It’s about study and prep and being able to maintain sleep schedules around those scheduled exams. And while you could not know the dates of the exams before a few months before your wedding… predicting the period that they will be in, and the weeks that SIL will need for study and prep and writing exams, is something you can easily do right now.
University exam sessions are generally easy to predict, as they happen at the same time every year, year after year after year. I know with absolutely certainty that the university students in my life are not easily available in the first half of December and April in my region (Canada; Hi!).
So, if I want to schedule something and my cousin, current university student in another province, is important to me, I won’t schedule it between April 1 and April 20, because even if he can make the specific date that I choose (no guarantee, although weekends are usually not exam days), his attendance increases his stress at a time of year when he’s already going to be stressed.
You want SIL to travel internationally around her exams? That’s insane, OP.
So, if that exam period is predictable, and you want SIL there, then yes, you would be the A-holer for not consulting that schedule. If exams are entirely up in the air, as in, it’s unlikely SIL will actually have one then, or you don’t care if she comes, then you can schedule without consulting her, but you risk losing the parents with her.
>My partner and I are planning the wedding over 16 months in advance to (1) save up enough to pay for it ourselves and (2) ensure that all the people important to us can come
Well, if your fiancé’s very small family falls into the category for #2 above, then yeah some pre-planning with them needed to happen.
INFO:So why didn’t the two of you talk specifically with them before setting a date and venue?ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
Actually, YTA. Your fiancé literally has one sibling who is important to him. There is no reason on your end that the wedding HAD to be in July. You could have picked a date a few weeks later. The fact that she drives a luxury car and doesn’t work full time has no relevance. You sound like you’re jealous and you did this on purpose because you don’t like his sister.
I know I’ll be downvoted for this but when my brother got married, he took my husband’s exam dates into consideration and moved his wedding back by 2 weeks.
YTA – you didn’t consider your fiancé’s family when you chose the date, showing they arent important to you.
It’s also worth considering Germans are more formal than Canadians, making an appointment for the discussion isn’t odd.
NTA. Sounds like your in-laws have short fuses when it comes to family and might excommunicate you for something else in the future anyway. You did nothing wrong.
Let your fiance decide how he wants to smooth things, if at all. Don’t feel pressured to change the date. Your ILs don’t get to decide how you move forward with the wedding – that is not a family decision. It’s a decision for you and your future husband.
Honestly, YTA. All of the unnecessary background aside, you and your FH knew she was going to have exams in that time frame. You and your FH should know how exams work, from sleep to study to being as healthy you can be before and during.
And YOU both chose a date without consulting your FH’s THREE family members to see if those dates would work. You literally did not ask to see if his mom or dad was free either!
You seriously did not check to see if his mother or father might have a conflict.
I get it. You don’t like that they have money. You don’t like that they done have good relationships with their extended family. You don’t like that they are different than you.
But unless they are explicitly mean or rude to you, unless there was a specific reason why you did not want your FH’s mother and father and sister to be at his wedding, you were wrong to not check with literally his only three family members he has left.
NTA. The time to mention SIL’s exam season was when you first mentioned you were shooting for July.
If you didn’t mention that to them, then sure you’d be TA. But telling people the month and year and why gave them the opportunity to mention her exams and given you the opportunity to take that into account.
Girrrrllllll, if you change your date because Ma and Pa Kettle got their expensive britches jn a bunch then you are a fool. They will run your whole life if you acquiesce now. There is a reason they are estranged from everyone, them threatening to cut yall off is their M.O.
You said yourself that a major factor in the date you selected was to “ensure that all the people important to us can come.” Your future MIL, FIL, and SIL should count as people important to you. It also seems like they will be the only people from your fiancé’s family at the wedding. And, they will have to travel internationally to the wedding. For all these reasons, you should have asked them about their availability before selecting the date. So, YTA.
However, that I do think they’re reaction to this is a bit harsh.
NTA. Beginning to see why Mil and Fil are estranged. Sounds like everything and everyone must revolve around them.
YTA Why would you sign a contract without first consulting your and his immediate family. You have to first see if the closest people to you in the world can make it.
YTA – asking the most important guests if they can attend is a reasonable thing to do.
That said, they do sound a bit toxic and possibly ready to exile people for potentially small infractions. Your FSIL might be their darling child (you said she’s fully funded by her parents), complicating matters. It sounds like you’re going to have problems with them in the future no matter what you do.
A compromise might be to push the date a few weeks if they can help find any lost deposits. You may be able to switch dates with the venue for free this far out, though.
If they can’t give concrete acceptable dates that work with everyone else you need there also, you’ll have to decide if you want to have them in your lives going forward and choose accordingly.
NTA
The in laws have spared you months & months of bullshit & drama prior to your wedding. Enjoy it!
Why would you attend “apppointment” so they can guilt & berate you? Spend some time on r/JustNoMIL.
YTA a bit.
If you’d spoken with both of your families and asked about any blackout dates, then maybe you might have been able to tell them, “so sorry, we can’t put our planning on hold until the exam dates are known, we fully understand if you can’t make it.” But you didn’t ask, so I don’t blame them for being upset.
YTA if you’re fiancé wants his sister and parents to be there, if he doesn’t no ah’s
NTA because the exams shld have been mentioned when you guys said you were looking at July. And also because I don’t think parents should boycott one kids wedding in favor of another kid, unless they did something truly bad. Scheduling a wedding at a difficult time does not reach that level, to me at least.
But I wld think abt your game plan for marrying into this family. It seems like this is how they try to solve things and maybe it doesn’t work for you and you and your fiance need to make sure you agree are are united front. Maybe you guys should think of moving from Germany.
Also, this could cause a lot of problems, so I don’t really recommend it, but if I was in your position I would want to hear their families side about why they are no contact.
NTA
Their time to voice concerns was when you told them the general time-frame.
Now I can’t help but whatever what the rest of their relatives did to get kicked out the family.
You are NTA for one simple reason – managing your MIL, FIL and SIL is 100% your fiancé’s problem.
Your fiancé is NTA because he did speak to his parents about timeframe, and nobody said anything.
Seems pretty clear why MIL and FIL are estranged from their families…
YTA and a big part of why really stems from how you’re choosing to frame this situation. How much wealth your in-laws have and you coming from a middle-class family has literally nothing to do with this situation at all. And, if anything, the fact that your MIL/FIL don’t have additional family involved to be concerned about shows how little time and effort you and your fiance put into making sure that (seemingly) the only three members of his family would be able to attend before choosing a date and signing a contract. When it comes to friends, that’s an awful lot to juggle and you can’t please everyone, but, at the bare minimum, you two should be making sure that your parents and siblings are all free and able to make it before you put anything in writing. Sorry, but they kinda do have every right to be upset that you didn’t even bother to ask.
I feel like YTA is the right call here. On the one hand, it’s your and your fiancé’s wedding and you get to call the shots.
On the other hand, it’s super clear that you don’t like and don’t respect either your future SIL or in-laws. Your jealousy about her life is stunning.
When I got married we made sure up front that the people who were most important to us would be available before we finalized on a date and venue. So It’s bizarre to me that neither your fiancé or you actually touched base with his family before settling on a date if their presence was actually important to you. Which it clearly isn’t.
All of this would have been headed off with a single conversation about possible dates in July 2026 and immediately being told that there was a possible conflict.
If your fiancé’s parents are this upset about it, somehow I get the impression this isn’t the first time they’ve been disrespected by you.
But go have the wedding you want and the consequences that come with it.
NTA. She MIGHT have an exam then, no one knows until 2026, by then it will be late to try and schedule all the vendors that go into a wedding not to mention getting a dress and having it tailored as well as the suits for the groom and groomsmen. All of that stuff needs to be done at least a year in advance to secure your chosen date for a more formal wedding.
NTA. I’m starting to think the estrangement isn’t because the rest of the family is toxic. It’s your in-laws who are. What’s next, your first child’s birth is when they might go on vacation, selfish for not asking when to conceive? How dare you plan a dinner without asking if SIL might have something else? If that’s the date that’s working for y’all, that’s the date it will be.
Good grief….they are already insufferable. Count your lucky stars they are estranging you both… now pull up the draw bridge and change your address, email, phone number and hope they never make contact again.
Congratulations. Have a great day. Be happy together. Good luck.
NTA
The way you talk about your fiances family is a little concerning. Just because they have money doesn’t make them some monsters. Shes in med school, it’s not like she’s doing nothing and has that month blocked off for no reason. If there’s so few people that are truly important to him, it does stand to reason you would have at least consulted them on the date before confirming. Very lightly YTA
ESH
If they knew you were looking at July, they should have spoken up sooner. But I think it’s bizarre that you casually sent save the dates to your partner’s 3 family members, without any discussion. If you want important people to come, you keep them in the loop e.g. we like X venue -> they have these dates available -> we’re thinking of booking Y date, then you book it and share the save the date with the less essential guests. But the essential ones should have been involved in the discussion. It’s so bizarre to just spring it in a general save the date, like they’re some casual friend.
If you want his sister there, then maybe for 2026, that means a lot of time is unavailable. But you plan around the important people. Or accept that they (and by extension their parents) may not come. Is the wedding more about marriage around loved ones, or about getting the perfect weather (which is unpredictable anyway) and no key family?
At anytime during the discussion before the date when you mentioned Jul as an option did anyone bring up SIL exams. Or did they ignore the dates over all.