What are some things your parents did while raising you that you refuse to do with your current/future children? Or just that you will choose to do a bit differently?
For example, my parents absolutely refused to ever admit when they made a mistake or God forbid apologize to their children for any reason. I don’t know if they thought we would respect them less if they did so. I remember it being incredibly frustrating and I try to make it a point to not let my pride get in the way with my kids and that sometimes I have to say “Sorry kid…parents mess up sometimes.”
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If I had a kid I would never set them up on a date unless they specifically asked me to do that. My mother picked the most boring dudes to arrange dates with, and it wasn’t great for me OR them.
I refuse to tell my children that I found them in a dumpster, and the only reason I took them home with me was because they were so ugly that i figured no one else would take them
Tell them they are being too sensitive and to just get over it
Any notions that your child’s sexuality is their business in any way.
Forbidding kids from working when they reach the legal age (that’s financial abuse)
My mom had a lot of mental health problems and used me as her therapist. I’m going to try to keep better boundaries with my daughter and not dump all of my problems on to her. Also my mom was really insecure and if I ever disagreed with her she would get upset so it made me afraid to ever give my opinion. My daughter is only 1, but if she communicates that she doesn’t like something, I honor it.
Have kids
I won’t belittle my children when making a point
Literally everything.
My parents made no attempt to curb my appetite or get me to be more active when I was a kid. Their attitude was that “we’re just big people.” I graduated high school with a BMI in the 40s. I’ve spent my adult life fighting to lose weight.
I’ve had found children. I’ve made sure they were always enrolled in something active, like a sport, and that they didn’t just eat blindly whenever they wanted to. They’re not thin, because maybe we are “just big people,” but they’re nowhere near as obese as I was as a child.
No drinking, no drugs.
When I was in my mid-teens, lent some money I got from my grandmother for my birthday to my father. After 3 weeks of not paying me back, I told him he didn’t have it because he spent his check on vodka and dope.
Never in my life have I heard about getting beat up because someone OWED THEM money.
That made me not want to have kids at all. If my fiancee and I ever have them, I will never feel like I could be a good father because there are so many things buried that I fear will somehow resurface.
I will not be physically or vocally violent towards my future kid. That stuff stays with you your whole life. And it’s just plain abuse. You don’t abuse someone you love.
Helicopter.
They taught me not to let my friends feel more at home than my children
Pretty similar to you. I would apologize when I did something wrong and acknowledge that parents make mistakes. My mom (who was generally a wonderful lady, but did make some mistakes like we all do) only said the word “sorry” to me once, when she made a mean joke about my paternal grandma’s death in front of me. I remember it vividly because it was so shocking to hear that come out of her mouth.
I won’t drink around them or beat them lol
Spank or lay hands on them and then disguise it as “discipline”
It’s literally just them taking anger out on poor little ones, when the parent doesn’t know how to properly teach
I will not treat them like a joke and laugh with my friends about all the stupid things they did. I was so self aware and terrified of doing something dumb as a child. To this day being embarrassed is one of the worst things I can think of and it keeps me from trying things, or even expressing ideas. Shame was my moms go to parenting move.
I come from a long line of people that didn’t like kids but didn’t have a choice. I get to break that by choosing not to have kids (because I also don’t like them).
I never slapped my children across the face and I almost never physically disciplined them when I was angry. They got sent to stand in opposite corners and then maybe swats or groundings later after we all calmed down.
They’re 5 years apart and picked at each other relentlessly. Irritating on the best of days.
I don’t leave my kids alone at night when they’re upset. I will sneak out of their rooms as soon as they fall asleep but I’m not leaving them in there for hours feeling alone.
I address and treat the neurodiversities with kindness. Or as much understanding and kindness as I’m capable of, which is limited by my own issues.
I ignore my instinct to assume they’re wrong and generally take them at their word. They’re not babies (except the baby) and when they tell me something, it’s usually correct. I argue with my oldest about perception and errors (we both assume the other is misremembering) but I generally assume there’s a possibility that they are right and I am wrong.
I compliment their looks and smarts. I also compliment their kindness and hard work, but I do let them know that I think they are bright and good looking. My mom was really adamant about insisting I was ordinary/not smarter than my teachers when we disagreed, even when they were clearly factually wrong. I was ultimately vindicated on some things. It would have been nice to have her moral support, especially for the suck it up and deal stuff. Sometimes you just need someone to nod along to your venting. I do that for my oldest some times. Not always but I do keep an eye on myself.
I refuse to hit my child.
Shame, calorie restriction, beat, enormous grade pressure, refuse to compliment on appearance, monopolize conversation/attention. That’s a good start.
Shame him for his eating habits.
I will teach my kid to do everything I know but I’m not gonna do every single thing for him. Lazy kids will lead to ungrateful adults. And they will struggle with their personal life later on.
We’ll talk about our feelings and make them feel valid because I’ve spent 25 years thinking having any feeling at all was bad
Have them lol
Mine taught me to just not have kids. Jokes on me she has dementia now so I still have to change diapers
My mother reminded me over and over not to put the baby in the car seat on the kitchen table then forget to put the baby in the car when I’d go out to do errands. By golly, I never did leave one of my kids behind.
Her own mistake doing that with me way back in 1961 haunted her to her dying day. 😄
Manipulate what they say or do (or even a lack thereof) to everyone so that I could play the victim and get sympathy while giving them a false rep of being a terrible child via lies and gaslighting (plus twisting words, that was a big one). Yeah, I had a terrible childhood, that wasn’t the end of it for me.
Guilt trip them! Don’t do it!
Admit when I’m wrong. Acknowledge I can do better. Face bad/wrong decisions made and apologize to them.
Criticize their body, especially under the guise of “well, i’m just trying to help”
My mother (very fit, skinny, but still insecure) will often poke or subtly mention things about my body (i get my thick thighs and big ass from my dad’s side)
I didn’t even know what a thigh gap was until she casually asked me why I didn’t have one. Now i get to add it to my ever-growing collection of insecurities
They taught me not to neglect my mental health; not to stonewall, gaslight, and conceal my own emotions in an unhealthy and adversarial manner; and not to drunkenly lie, cheat, and steal my way through life until there’s no one left to love me.
I’m proud of the dad I’ve become because I’ve strived to avoid the Minesweeper board of red flags they inadvertently set in front of me.
Just never lie. My parents still lie in so many ways: deliberately exaggerate, re-write history, physically hide things, whisper behind others’ backs, premeditate creating “stories” to get what they want, etc. I haven’t had a single time where I’ve needed to lie to any of my 3 kids. And when my parents are around, I gently but firmly steer them away from their attempts to draw my kids or me into their lying shenanigans.
I have plenty of poor-parenting moments but I own those moments, apologize, and try not to make the same mistake again.
Use them as stories.
My mum was a teacher and would tell stories to her class about my brother and i. I forever was hearing from random people about stuff (embarrassing) that I did as a child.
I will always admit to them when I’m wrong, and apologize. We all have bad days not just the kids. My mom never admitted fault on her part. Not that I ever plan to scream at or belittle my child like my mom did to me, but I’m sure I’ll make mistakes some way or another. I’m human after all. I think it’s important to show children that adults mess up too, and we can work together to be better.
I mean I can go on and on but a few things hit home the most.
When I was about 14 and really struggling with my body image and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, after breaking down in tears my mother told me “how can you expect anyone else to love you if you dont love yourself”. I think she thought it was like some pretty solid advice, but all I heard was so I’m fat and unlovable. Looking back on photos now, i wouldn’t even call myself chubby 💀
The second is my father telling me at 18 that he thought my mum was having an affair. He had no proof, and no reason to tell me other than to make her the bad guy. Even if it was true, I will never ever tell my child something like that. Even if they’re an adult. I lived at home for another few years while I was at uni and it majorly damaged how I view not only my mother but my father too. I still dont know what he wanted me to do with that information. And tbh all these many years later and they’ve been separated for a few years now, I dont think she was having an affair. Which makes him telling me it even worse.
And thats the two off the top of my head. I’ve learnt a lot about what I dont want to do from my parents.
Threatening my kids with “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Impair your judgment with substances, be critical of others especially other loved ones, treat siblings differently or favor one over another especially for things they cannot control such as body type, deflecting responsibility where I have erred, and a just general lack of emotional intelligence.
If there was a disagreement between parent and child the child was always wrong no exceptions.
If you had a problem and took it to a parent you would get into trouble with the other parent for stressing out the parent you took the problem to in the first place.
When the parents argued it was the oldest daughter who paid for it.
If two siblings fought the girls were punished but not the boys.
Making the oldest child parent their siblings. I require all of the children to be equally responsible for themselves.
I never knocked my kids into next week.
When my stepchildren want to show me something they worked on, I will never mock or belittle it. When they ask me to join in their activities, I will eagerly do so. When they show me something they like, I will not react with disgust.
My parents talked ABOUT me, IN FRONT OF ME, making decisions FOR me, without asking me what I wanted at a young age into teenage years. Like I was a possession.
I will not be continuing that.
It taught me that to get what I even remotely wanted, I had to keep secrets and simply take action without them. Because if I told them, I would lose agency. Idk that they know that’s what it did, but it did.
And they wonder why I’m extremely LC. shrug
Not let us fail when the stakes are still low
Too many things to write about on Reddit.
I’m never gonna tell them something to do because “I’m your parent”.
Get them to be active physically so that they do not have to resort to any other means to find enjoyment. Make them capable of defending themselves.
I’m gonna give them reasons to trust me and make them feel safe so they can approach me and share stuff with me.
Never fight in front of the kids, and show more affection to your partner in front of them.
Force them into something I know they will despise forever.
Friends can be family, and family can be traitors.
To not have kids at all and, if you have a child in your home, help a nephew that needs a stable home life, which we did
Well, mine were abusive in all sorts of ways, basically everything but SA, a parent today would lose their child for 1/3 of it, so there’s a lot I do differently. I walked away and I don’t want my child to not have any feelings for me and feel like she needs to end the relationship to be safe.
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I will NEVER EVER give my child “the silent treatment” or tell it “go on with that behaviour and i will not love you anymore”.