I am not looking to go completely no contact, and I want to do this in the least dramatic way possible to not sink my relationship or make any waves at this stage (that can happen later once I’m safely not in the third trimester). Please let me know what exact language I could use over a text message, thank you!
You can read my other posts (https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/72LtP71LwL) as background of why I’m seeking to minimize communication over the next month. I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant, and at this point need a break from her as this week has already been too stressful and she’s already texting me random stuff as if nothing happened.
My initial draft:
“FYI I will be much less available over text and phone over the coming month in order to focus on the life transition we’re going through.”
Or should I have DH say this about me instead? I hate games of telephone, so would like to speak for myself.
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Other posts from /u/Wise_Regular_8792:
MIL won’t stop asking when she can see the baby, 1 day ago
How to navigate Midwest MIL communication?, 4 days ago
MIL Plays Game of Telephone with My Mom, 1 week ago
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“We have a lot going on right now so if I don’t respond to you immediately it’s not personal. We’re just busy.”
Then just fall back and stop responding.
Don’t even tell her. Just stop responding and when she brings it up to her son he can explain that you’re now a mother focusing on her child and any contact can go through him. You’ve given her enough explanation. If you keep responding now she’ll be FaceTiming you daily once the baby is here. I know from experience. Trust me her hissy fits will get bigger and more regular once the baby is born, put a stop to it now! The moment of times I’ve hear “bUt ItS mY GrAnDbAbY” since my LO was born…
Just stop responding
Put her on mute and leave communication to husband. She knows what she’s doing. She’s also clearly keenly aware of how far along you are.
If you need to send for yourself, your draft sounds fine-ish but I would go further and say that bc you’re currently nesting and getting ready for baby, your phone will be on do not disturb for the foreseeable future so response times will vary
“I’m trying to be more focused on the moment so I’m doing a digital detox and won’t have my phone on most of the time.”
As you don’t want complete no-contact, just reply very selectively to whatever she sends at the same time every day, evey other day, whatever. The key is she won’t expect immediate response and will likely overall text less.
After a certain period of time, follow up with something like “Digital detox worked great, life is so much better without always checking my phone, will make it permement going forward!”
If she complains, just say you want to keep all your focus on the baby and not always be on the phone, very little to argue against that!
I might be the odd one out here, but I think feedback is important. And it should definitely come from your husband.
“We need a break from you while we prepare for baby. Lately your actions have us feeling overwhelmed and in this time we need rest and calm. Our primary goal when baby arrives is for us to focus on attaching to our baby and getting into a routine. Once we have that in place, we will extend an invite for you to come visit. Our family vision is that we provide the care to our baby and the grandparents look to us for cues on how we need support. We hope you can ascribe to this way of thinking. We really want you to be involved in our baby’s life but in a healthy way”
I am also very pregnant and had to have a similar conversation with my MIL. She kept asked for my induction date and I firmly stated that we will like her know once baby arrives and when we will be ready for visitors. She believes she needs to know the date because she wants to “help me”. But the best way she can help me is not being at the hospital lol. I’m not giving her the induction date because I don’t want her showing up to the hospital. You’re not alone in this! I’m sorry your MIL is adding stress to any already stressful situation.
My husband and I tried the avoid, evade, don’t respond methods and they just amped up my MIL. What worked for us was providing clear feedback on what she’s doing that isn’t acceptable and what we need from her to keep our relationship intact. It got worse before better. But things are decent. She accepted my no today about the date. And she 100% knows if she were to show up somehow on the day of, I’m having security escort her right on out.
My husband did it.
I decided I was done. I muted her text messages and sent her phone calls directly to voicemail, I put her email address going to its own special folder, and I blocked or restricted her on every piece of social media.
Then my husband told her. He explained that she was his family and he was going to be 100% responsible for the communication between our nuclear family and his family of origin.
I also dropped the rope at this time, giving everything to my husband. Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, cards, going to their place, and them visiting us. It is all my husband’s responsibility.
Does your DH “have your back”? If so, I’d send what you’ve typed and add, “DH will be as available as he usually is.” That sets the tone of:
You’re not as accessible as you once were. You can bolster this by turning off read receipts, if they’re on, and choosing to restrict what she can see of you on social media (you’ll have to Google how to do this because it’s been so long since I have, but it’s a sanity-saver).
The point of contact for your family is her son, and adding the “as available as he usually is” means that she should know not to expect instant-replies unless that’s his style. If he waits hours to respond normally, then she shouldn’t expect a response within three minutes.
If you can’t add the bit about your husband (I know some are still too enmeshed to check with their spouse about certain things), you’ll be best served by holding your ground. Respond once a week or whatever feels best to you. Don’t be shy of reiterating that your availability is now limited, and a “thanks for understanding, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten what being a new mom is like.” If she’s persistent, block her number on a temporary basis or mute notifications. You can generally set particular contacts to override Do Not Disturb so you’d still hear from your husband and sister, but MIL’s messages or calls wouldn’t set your phone off.