I am looking for concrete examples of rules, boundaries with your young adult child with depression.
The standard is support, and patience. And to keep encouraging.
My question is what do you do when they refuse therapy , refuse to practice self care, etc
You cant just kick a person with depression out on the street. But the frustration from the absolute refusal to help themselves.
I know it’s the depression but how do you help them without enabling.
Can you have a requirement of going to therapy. If they don’t then what do you do ?
We have encouraged, offered listening without judgement. But continually are met with. I don’t want to , it won’t help, or my favorite is I am trying. When they haven’t left there bed.
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> or my favorite is I am trying. When they haven’t left there bed.
It seems like you want to punish your child for being sad.
Have you tried being understanding?
Not being able to get out of bed is one of the hardest parts of depression. Followed by showering, dental hygiene, and nutrition.
You’re trying to punish someone who is literally struggling with the will to live. Therapy doesn’t actually help everyone. The biggest help for me was actually getting a dog. It’s one thing to let myself wallow and rot, but knowing that someone else was depending on me-they at least deserve to get some air, sunshine, to eat..
Has he tried medication?
Imagine punishing someone who doesn’t want to live. You need to talk to him and ask how you can give help and support, not kick him while he’s down
Chiming in as a parent and a therapist who works with a lot of teens. This is not advice per se as I have not met you or your child, but rather general information.
Forcing teens into therapy rarely works and many therapists won’t work with someone who adamantly doesn’t want to be there. Sometimes forcing a kid to do therapy before they’re ready can backfire. It sounds like your child needs your support and understanding right now, not more rules and boundaries. You could try and come to a compromise regarding therapy (I.e., meeting with a therapist for an introduction meeting, see if you like them). Involving your child’s paediatrician or family doctor is also vital. Depression affects physical health and vice versa so it is important that they know. Medications for depression are also safe and effective and are worth considering. They can be effective on their own and in some cases provide enough of a kickstart to get someone interested in motivated in therapy, which can then be complimentary to the medication.
The doctor would be the non negotiable for me. “I’m very worried about you. I love you and care about you and want to help you. The first step to doing that is talking to your doctor about what’s going on. I’ve made an appointment for x date.” Don’t harp on getting them showered and dressed to go, let them go in whatever state they want to.
I think when someone is that depressed what might feel like enabling is actually exactly what they need. Love him and be patient and help him do whatever he needs to keep him functioning.
If that means waking him, gently getting him to shower, handing him his toothbrush, etc to get him through this time I say do it. Labors of love and adjusting your parenting to match the needs of your child are important.
Also, meet him at his level. If he is really into something, like a video game, learn about it. Get him back to doing things he enjoys and truly enjoy them with him. Find his joy and discover it with him.
Hopefully he is already receiving medical care, but if not, that should be step number one.
Watching your son struggle must be so hard. Make sure to take care of yourself too,. I suggest family therapy too.
I think when someone is that depressed what might feel like enabling is actually exactly what they need. Love him and be patient and help him do whatever he needs to keep him functioning.
If that means waking him, gently getting him to shower, handing him his toothbrush, etc to get him through this time I say do it. Labors of love and adjusting your parenting to match the needs of your child are important.
Also, meet him at his level. If he is really into something, like a video game, learn about it. Get him back to doing things he enjoys and truly enjoy them with him. Find his joy and discover it with him.
Hopefully he is already receiving medical care, but if not, that should be step number one.
Watching your son struggle must be so hard. Make sure to take care of yourself too,. I suggest family therapy too.
Honestly, medication was the first step for me and that was hard (but easier than other choices at the time). It helped me see what a normal brain feels like and build healthier habits that I continued when I stopped the med. Be kind and supportive, but firm. It’s you and your child against depression.
Make a virtual appointment for them to talk with a doctor. Build an action plan with them. Start small. Find what kind of steps they’re open to. They say they’re trying, that’s awesome. Every day sit down and write down the wins with them. They brushed their teeth. They took 3 deep breaths. They listened to 1 happy song. Go to family therapy to get specialized advice. They might not show up but you should. Teletherapy might be great because you can just have the session with them in the room even if they don’t want to participate.
Not a parent of but a person with depression. Getting out of bed, brushing teeth, and putting on clean clothes are not negotiable. Exercise is not negotiable, even just 15 min of walking outside. Protein is not negotiable. Limiting screen time is not negotiable. I would strongly encourage you to take the time off if you can and literally hold their hand if you have to to get them to do this. They also need a purpose. A goal. Anything they are working toward. I would also strongly encourage a social setting that is not online or thru video games or discord and journaling. Also meds but I feel like those last 3 can be larger steps taken later.
>> Parents of depressed Young adult what are non negotiable?
The only non negotiable I have in these instances is to keep yourself safe and alive
>> My question is what do you do when they refuse therapy , refuse to practice self care, etc
You keep doing what you’re doing; “The standard is support, and patience. And to keep encouraging. ”
And you get support for managing your own frustration and not put this in your child. because it is incredibly draining and frustrating. But criticism blame and anger will exacerbate depression.
And keep reminding yourself they are not “refusing”. They are literally incapable right now.
It’s like someone with a broken leg – they’re not “refusing” to walk. They literally can’t.
Keep being patient. Keep hoping.
Have you and/or your spouse tried therapy for yourselves? You sound frustrated and I understand. Mine are young adults and it’s difficult to navigate as a parent. The helplessness you feel, the guilt, the questioning of everything you’ve ever said and done and what to do now. Getting yourself some therapy can be helpful and educational for everyone. I, myself, felt as if I had failed then utterly.
It sounds like your son is struggling very deeply. He’s an adult, you can’t really do rules/punishment.
I have openly spoken about my struggles with depression and what I have done and what things I’m trying to do to lessen the symptoms. Being open and honest with myself and them has brought about conversations and deeper empathy for us all. We also speak about how it is an actual lack of proper chemistry in the brain. There’s actually no fault on anyone for anything.
Depression runs deep on both sides of their genetics. I’m understanding of their daily limits/abilities. We start small on a lot of things with a loose plan. For instance a few minutes of sunshine with gradual increase. Can’t shower? Let’s try these wipes today just to keep worse things away even if it’s just the “creases”. Can’t be bothered to eat? Here’s a carnation instant breakfast. If that’s too much, here’s some Gatorade, or at least water.
It’s been a few years since any of them have been bedridden now. One uses medication one refuses. One has tried therapy the other doesn’t see the point.
Pets have helped tremendously but that’s not for every family as some of the care will fall on you. It is a shared responsibility.
People outside of our nuclear family are generally exhausting, but slowly doing things for others has helped. Giving specifically has helped a lot. Instead of just donating clothes to a metal box in a parking lot, but to a domestic abuse shelter, blankets/towels to an animal shelter, personal care boxes to the homeless, etc. The connection to another no matter how brief to make one thing a little better. Acknowledging that entire problems can’t be solved easily, but that you can do something changes the narrative internally and externally, the small steps matter.
I hope some part of this helps, if only to know that you as a parent aren’t alone in this. To know another understands how painful it is to see your child suffer.
Have they tried medication? Have they seen a doctor? If they’ve refused medication, do you know why? Can you go over the risks and benefits of antidepressants to ease their mind?
It sounds like your child’s depression is severe and pushing them to get out of bed or shower is just going to backfire.
Once they get on anti-depressants you can start getting them out of the house for walks, into therapy, back into their hobbies and interests.
Right now they don’t need extra pressure. They already feel like a burden and like there’s no point being alive.
Get them to a doctor asap.
Don’t kill yourself.
I missed 3 months of school pretty much my sophomore year of high school because I was so depressed and anxious. I was the one that found my therapist and chose her off a list of possible names. You can involve your child in helping to select a dr and a therapist. I was brought to the psychiatrist because I was literally desperate for anything to be better. I had a really bad reaction to the first medication I was put on but then had a positive experience with the others. I need medication for the rest of my life because that’s just how my brain works. Book appointments for your child and have them go even if they don’t want to. I needed help and I needed my parents to help me. Just find them someone to get them out of their current depression episode and then they can help change dr or therapist to someone they’d prefer after they are feeling better. My parents let me stay home from school a lot / go home early because I couldn’t get myself to go but once I got on medication they also helped me work with my teachers to make up what I had missed while I was gone
Non negotiable for me was that threats of self harm were immediately addressed with emergency psych care and inpatient if needed.
My child was a minor, so I did have some say. He went to therapy and saw a psych even though he wasn’t happy about it. I made sure his school knew what was going on and they provided accommodations and support.
>I don’t want to , it won’t help, or my favorite is I am trying. When they haven’t left there bed.
I know this is very frustrating, but if you’ve never experienced it, you cannot understand. I’ve only occasionally experienced severe depression, but during those times something as simple as taking a shower was an overwhelming and monumental task. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but it was physically exhausting to get out of bed, get undressed, wash myself, dry myself, and put clothes back on. I can remember one day I decided to shower because I usually love showers and feel refreshed and energized by them. Thought it would help. Turns out when I’m depressed, showers are dreadful. I could barely move. Once I got in I was uncomfortable but also couldn’t make myself get out. I had this thought that it would be nice if the water melted me and washed me away. I finally got back to bed and fell into a deep, long sleep.
It sucked, but I’m glad I experienced this because it helped me to have company for my child as he was going through it.
You may need to physically assist someone who is deeply depressed with self care for a while.
If your child is so severely unwell that they are a danger to themselves either actively or by self neglect, they might meet the criteria for involuntary commitment.