I (20f) am pregnant with my bf (21m). We’ve been together 8 months and we are both in college. Please spare me the judgement about not being more careful about birth control because believe me, there’s nothing you could say to me that I haven’t already said to myself. I’m an idiot. I forget to take my pill all the time, and now I’m facing the consequences. I’ve accepted that
I want to keep the baby but I DO NOT want to do this alone. My bf doesn’t want to be involved. So logically, we’d have to break up if I were to have the baby. He says that if women can choose to terminate a pregnancy, men should be able to choose to give up their involvement as a father as long as this is communicated to the mother ASAP. He says he wants me to be able to make an informed decision based on all factors as it is my choice at the end of the day. We had a very open, honest, and respectful conversation. He says he loves me and hates the thought of losing me, but he doesn’t want to be a dad for a very long time. He has lots of plans and goals for after college and he is not willing to compromise them.
Truthfully, I don’t want to be a single mom. I watched my own mom struggle and it was hard. I will not have this kid and force my bf to be involved because that only brings a lifetime of stress and heartache for both myself and my child. He was straight with me about his feelings on this situation, and I respect that.
My appt is for next week. Whenever I think about it, I realize that I already feel resentment for my bf. I think we need to break up even if I am getting the abortion. I told him this, not because I wanted to give him an ultimatum, but because I genuinely feel that I will never be able to look at him the same. I’ll always think, “what if…” when I look at him. I wish I could simply turn off these feelings, but I can’t. On one hand, I want this baby but on the other hand, I am sick to my stomach about the thought of doing it alone. I think the best thing for both of us is for me to terminate and move on from him. He says this is a manipulation tactic. He thinks I’m doing this just so he’ll cave and support this baby. This isn’t true. I have already decided that I’m getting the abortion regardless because even if he were to change his mind now, I know he’d only be doing it out of guilt. At the end of the day, our relationship is over. It sucks. It makes me really sad. I’m heartbroken. I love him. But this is a major life event, and we are no longer compatible. So? AITAH if I break up with him?
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Ditch him and cut him out of your life. He is just a deadbeat father waiting to happen, and he has a million excuses.
He is accusing you of being manipulative because you want to break up?
You should just move on from them because they proved how unsupportive he is going to be if anything goes wrong.
He is only going to blame you if his decisions affect himself negatively while you are together.
It’s pretty normal to end up breaking up after something like this. NAH. Just focus on getting the abortion. Once that’s done, make a decision about your relationship. It’s not like there’s a happy ever after option on the table here. You’re heading towards a break up no matter what.
I lost someone recently very close to me, and as a result I’m moving across the country in…… 36 hours 👀
Sometimes things happen that cause you to associate someone or something (in my case, the whole state) with trauma. Life can just plain suck sometimes. NTA
NTA
If you two aren’t compatible anymore, just break up with him. No need to have a conversation with him that you might break up with him since you’re aborting because that can come off as an ultimatum.
NTA. He’s not taking responsibility and is shifting blame onto you.
NTA, but you should really consider some counseling if it is available to you. The choice to continue or end a pregnancy is huge, and regardless of the road you choose, it’s going to come with some huge feelings. I would take to an unbiased outsider, if possible, to get more perspective.
Him saying you are manipulating him is bullshit. If that’s the case, then he is manipulating you too. At this point, I think your relationship has run its course and its time to move on. When push came to shove, you both had sex, you are pregnant, and now he has said it is your problem. Is that really the guy you wanna be with?
Also, he can choose not to be involved, but the kid is his until he signs away his parental rights after birth. The courts need to be involved in all of that. In my state, not having a listed father, can cause issues with applying for state aid for mother and child. His choice in not wanting to be involved is great, but at this point whether he likes it or not, he is obligated to care for his child once born.
Maybe call the hospital and ask if they have a social worker available that you could talk with about what services are available to you.
NTA get your procedure done, you will need time while your body undoes everything it was prepping for the baby and you may also mourn. Then decide what to do next. If you stay together, use every bit of protection you can, whether or not he’s on board with it. If he doesn’t want to be a dad, snip-snip or condom at all times. Birth control is a 2 way street.
Your feelings are completely valid in thinking that breaking off the relationship is best for you. He has no right to call it a manipulation tactic because that suits him. You’re making a difficult choice that has to do with your life and your experiences and he’s being disrespectful and making that choice about him. He was clear that he could just opt out of his responsibility as the other person who created this pregnancy so all bets are off. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and imagine it’s so very difficult but you have sound reasons for your choice. And one thing for the future, if you have a hard time taking the pill daily, talk to your doctor about an implant that continuously emits the correct amount of medication without the need to remember daily. They last 5 years and are less traumatic than an IUD. I wish you all the very best. Take care of yourself. NTA.
NAH. You’re both young and each have your own goals. This is a natural breaking point.
This is a really sad and tricky situation. It’s possible there are no assholes here, although your boyfriend’s comment equating fatherhood to pregnancy (which is life-threatening) is naive.
Your boyfriend has a right to follow his dreams. It’s good that he’s been honest with you about not wanting to be a father at this early stage. It’s better for him to be honest than to hide how he feels and then leave you after the baby’s been born.
You have a right to keep the child or choose to abort, and you have a right to break up with him.
As you’ve said, it’s extremely hard to be a single mother and there is very little support available, but you are clearly upset about the decision. I would think about this a bit more and perhaps speak to family to see whether others would be willing to offer support, if you have other people available. The right decision is the decision which is right for you since you will be carrying the baby and taking care of the baby full time.
Whatever you choose, you would be right to break up with your boyfriend as you aren’t on the same page about a life-altering situation. You will always resent him for not supporting your preference to keep the child, even though, as I’ve said, he has a right to follow his dreams. It’s not manipulative of you to break up with him. By ending things, you’ll be saving yourself (and him) a lot of turmoil and heartache. This seems to be more an issue of compatibility and differing values than an issue of right vs wrong.
Get the abortion and cut him out
If u want to keep the baby do it, but doing it alone at 20, not a good idea. You would have to quit school (unless your parents can babysit) and get a job. You could do it but it will be tough. If u don’t want to b a single parent have the abortion. Break up with the boyfriend. It’s not meant 2b. I would just ghost him, that way he doesn’t think ur manipulating him – he’s out of your life and u can move on w yours.
He was honest with you, but by doing so, showed you a side of his character that diminishes the kind of person you thought him to be, this is going to be tough enough (from experience I can say you will not look at him the same), you don’t need him around as a reminder, I would definitely part ways.
Break up with him, get your procedure done, and for fuck’s sake, get long acting birth control placed while you’re there. There are options that don’t require a daily pill. Arm implant, IUD, quarterly injections, whatever you’re comfortable with. Ask your healthcare provider and find something that’s more compatible with your lifestyle. Daily pills aren’t for everyone, especially those with chaotic schedules. Pick something that’s compatible with you.
NTA
I have a question. Did he use a condom every time? Because if he didn’t that is a manipulation tactic. I don’t want to be a father but am not willing to do anything to prevent it. Move on from him. Make sure all your future lovers are willing to wear a condom every time. It should not be just one partner’s responsibility to prevent pregnancy
Just want to point out that you can choose to try and carry to term, and you can choose to have a child without ever dealing with the man-child who comes with it OR you could choose to pursue child support and the courts will make him pay.
Or you can go ahead and abort (I support you in any direction) and YES BREAK UP WITH HIM
You should ditch him regardless. Think about your unborn child. You say you want this pregnancy but you’d abort if your bf won’t stay? You should consider what’s best for you and your child.
NTA
Personally I would break up too.
I would see him as unreliable after knowing he wouldn’t support me either way.
If he really didn’t want to be a father he would wear a condom but he left it to you. And said he’d leave if you kept thr baby. What a stand up guy!
Now that you want to leave you’re the bad guy in his eyes.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with him not wanting to be a parent now, but this is information he should’ve made clear to you BEFORE commencing with the boning. You deprived yourselves of the opportunity to discuss this in a neutral way when it would’ve been a hypothetical, and now it’s a reality with consequences for your relationship. You found out too late that you have a glaring compatibility problem, and I’m so sorry that you have the greater burden in learning a tough lesson the hard way. I hope you have a good support system and will be kind to yourself. ❤️
NTA completely. I even understand why your immature boyfriend would see you as an AH, but that’s very easy for him to say as he isn’t the one who will be affected the most by your decision. He’s also an adult who could have worn a condom if he wasn’t ready for a child. Do what’s best for you and don’t feel bad when you move on with your life now that you’ve seen your boyfriend’s true colors!
NTA. I think you know that whether you keep this baby or not – your boyfriend ain’t it. You should tell him that, so then he won’t see it as a manipulation.
Then by all means, terminate the pregnancy and get rid of him. Because just as he doesn’t want to be forced to care for a child he doesn’t want, you don’t want to be forced to be with a boyfriend who you know won’t support you.
Nta so sorry
You are right, you won’t forget this experience and his thoughts and where that left you. Let’s be honest. You are not going to be married and 10 years from now look back on this with him and laugh and say “Remember that time I was pregnant and I got an abortion and you didn’t want to raise the baby?”. So where is this all going? He wants to go one way, you another and it’s fine. But you are right to be thinking of the future. I hope you have friends and family to lean on bc between the abortion and relationship breaking apart, it’s going to be hard and emotional. You’ll need someone to talk to. I hope you can consider a counselor to help you through this. Good luck and wish you the best.
NTA
Ummm no
You BOTH are responsible for the baby- everyone knows what can happen when you have sex/ whether you are on the pill, using condoms, etc
Nta, take care of yourself
NTA. This is absolutely the kind of thing that breaks a relationship. It doesn’t have to be someone’s fault. It’s just not working out. Only your order of operations is wrong. Break up with him now, before the abortion.
A lot of relationships end over an event like this. It’s such a big thing the true character of the man is revealed. I’ve seen men turn violent, abusive, cowardly, run for the hills, manipulate and guilt trip the woman into making a choice she doesn’t really want to make.
He has told you what he is. Please listen and focus on yourself. Is there a counsellor in your college you can speak to? If not please find a support group that deals with issues like this. I wish I could give you a hug. ❤️
I wish I could say something to make you feel better about the hard decision you made. You, and you alone have to live with your choice. No one will understand how hard this was for you. No, you are not in the wrong. You are a different person now. You’re stronger and wiser. You are doing what you have to. My heart is with you.
Nta
He’s the same guy who will blame you in the future for aborting claim he “didn’t understand the reality”. Let him go whatever you decide.
NTA.
If anything, he’s the one being manipulative. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be a father, and he’s withholding love and support from you as a tactic to push you toward abortion. He’s accusing you of doing the same thing because subconsciously, he knows he’s doing it. He’s projecting.
He’s not taking into account at all the fact that becoming pregnant, realizing you’re pregnant, considering termination, etc. All these things are hard on women physically and emotionally. But, he’s making it about him. That’s all the answer you’ll ever need for what kind of long term future partner and father he will be.
Gonna make an educated guess and say his big dreams after college won’t really pan out, and he will eventually settle down with a woman and have children, but he will be a weaponized incompetence kind of husband. And she will do everything and be miserable. You’d be dodging a bullet by breaking up with him.
I’d terminate AND break up with BF
Nta. You’re incredibly mature and emotionally intelligent from how this reads.
Never TA to break up with someone. Get the abortion. Be done.
Nah. Your decision to end/keep your pregnancy will affect your life much more than his. Please be certain which route you want to go. And maybe explore other birth control options like an IUD. You are strong and amazing to navigate these decisions
You’re being straight with him like he was with you. It impacts you in a way that makes proceeding with the relationship untenable, which is completely understandable & reasonable. If it were an ultimatum, there are obvious problems with that, but you see those problems (forcing him to stay as a dad probably wouldn’t have a good outcome), so I believe you when you say it’s not an ultimatum, and he should too, and he should give your honesty the respect you gave his.
NTA for anything but ffs if you don’t want to be a parent then use protection and you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Both of you are some cans short of a 6 pack.
I understand both sides of this.
Neither of you are TA.
He has clearly stated how he would handle it. And while I don’t agree with how he’s handling it, I do applaud his honesty.
You have seen first hand the struggle of being a single parent and you are ensuring you won’t go through the same thing.
If I were in the situation, I also wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who feels the way your BF does. I think it shows that he has a lot of personal growth to go through before he’s relationship material.
My husband and I had a talk about this when we were first dating. He knew the risks of possible pregnancy and we both said that we couldn’t get an abortion (neither of us are against them, but we personally couldn’t do it). We were prepared to step up and be parents if it ever came to that. I was in college, he was working a shit job. We’d have been awful parents, but we would have stepped up and made it work.
NTA. You know what’s best for your life. He sounds like he hasn’t emotionally matured past puberty yet, and you definitely don’t want to have a child with someone who’s still a child himself.
NTH and I agree if your able to get some counseling because as time goes by there will be pain and regret and what ifs….If it’s any consolation he doesn’t realize it now but give it time and he will have regrets and what ifs with you and the baby. Just too young to realize it…
The point in time where he had the right to express his intentions should a baby come on to the scene, was before he ejaculated in her. At this point, she’s carrying his child. In many states now, abortion is unavailable. He has already committed to child support by law. Sure he doesn’t need to behave like a father – but he’s going to be contributing to the child until it’s an adult.
You made your choices. No need to wait for abortion, dump him today
You’re not TAH.
I can’t blame you for ending the relationship. But do consider giving birth to your baby. Then decide whether to keep your baby or give him /her up for adoption.
Just my two cents. Best of luck.
“He says that if women can choose to terminate a pregnancy, men should be able to choose to give up their involvement as a father as long as this is communicated to the mother ASAP.”
I’m sorry, but I find this remark extremely amusing. Bro is clearly unfamiliar with the terms “paternity” and “lawsuit”. He can be held financially responsible even if he chooses not to be involved as a father. You don’t get to make a statement like that and dip.
NTA – either of you. You should get an abortion and break up. I was in a similar situation when I was your age. I would’ve been poverty trapped, I had an abortion and went on to have 3 children and a great career. Do what is best for you.
Almost certainly he is obligated to pay child support, whatever his views on the fairness/unfairness of that. He doesn’t get to just opt out of his financial obligations.
Being a single mom would be tough, but so is aborting a wanted child. You have no good options, which sucks. But whatever you decide, dump this guy.
Nta. Do what you need to do, dump him, and move on. He does not love you if he can’t accept responsibility and stay with you. Peace out babe.
His fantasy world is not the real world.
He is responsible for child support because HE nutted in you resulting in pregnancy. After that, the WOMAN decides if she will allow the incubation of his nutt.
not overreacting, but you won’t be alone at all, even if he’s out of the picture. the little one you are growing is by your side. your family, who loves you very much, is by your side. it’s a tough path, but it’s doable. you, yourself, are proof of that. there is not a feeling in the world that comes close to the love a mother and child hold. let that thought ground you and motivate you and empower you. 💕
Yep end it because if it happens again, you’ll face the same thing again.
I’ve learned that there are guys out there who fight to be part of their kids’ lives, even when the mom doesn’t want them to be
You and your kid should deserve to be with someone who will fight and support you like that.
He told you what he wants, and you told him what you want. The matter is closed.
Yep end it because if it happens again, you’ll face the same thing again.
I’ve learned that there are guys out there who fight to be part of their kids’ lives, even when the mom doesn’t want them to be
You and your kid should deserve to be with someone who will fight and support you like that.
He told you what he wants, and you told him what you want. The matter is closed.
Whatever you decide you are NTA.
NTA, you both have a right to choose, and it’s only fair you choose what’s best for you
It’s a manipulation tactic to guilt trip you in any way, it is your body and thus ultimately your choice.
If he wanted to be involved so badly, he could step up to the plate and take part in what is most definitely his responsibility
NTA. This is the type of life event that forces you to consider what you want in your life. Go with your gut.
NTA
Pregnancy scares are a time to reevaluate a partner. After an abortion is a valid time to realize “I do not want to be tied to this person the rest of my life.”
NTA. I mean, it’s the same thing he did, right? He’ll break up with you if you keep it, you’ll break up with him if you don’t.
It’s reasonable. It’s fair for him to not want kids, but it’s unfair for you to carry the entire responsibility for his boundary. You’re the one that has to go get the prescription. You’re the one that has to remember to take it every single day at the same time. You’re the one that has to deal with any side effects. If it fails or you forget, you’re the one that has to carry and give birth, or the one who has to get an abortion…. but he thinks he just gets to walk away at any point after not doing any of that. There’s not much choice biologically, unfortunately, but you’d rather have a partner that will help you out if you have an unexpected pregnancy or child, and he doesn’t.
Nta, shit happens
Do NOT keep the baby. This is incredibly bad timing for you and could wreck your life. Think with your brain not your hormones.
Real life is that he can’t walk away from the baby, no state will allow. That’s both of your child forever. If he is gutless, then let the state handle him. Being a single mom is tough, but the mental damage that abortion does to the mother is tougher.
I have known several people who originally broke up with their boyfriend and had the baby but decided after struggling alone that they weren’t up to the pressure of single parenthood. THEN they went after the very angry ex who had been assured she wouldn’t come after him. Ugly situation, so much drama, so much pain.
NTA, I want to say that motherhood is very beautiful but it can be hard when handling it alone. You have some experience like your mom being a single parent, so you understand the struggle. I want you to know that you are doing what’s best for YOU and your situation. I most likely would’ve done the same because I wouldn’t want my child to be in a broken household.
If he had the choice to leave if you were to continue the pregnancy, you have every right to leave after the abortion. Not because it’s out of spite but rather hurt. I couldn’t find the courage to get one and was fortunate that my bf wanted to continue the journey with me.
NTA and get some therapy afterward.
Also, the birth control arm implant has worked for me for years. They lasted for three years, and I’ve had three of them so far. You just need to set a 2.5 to 3 year reminder to schedule your appointment for a replacement. You never have to think about pills again.
Also, you should still wear a condom for STDs. They weren’t just made to stop babies. The day you decide to have unprotected sex with someone is when you need to share your most recent STD screening. Most people get their first STD in college. If you’re lucky, it is not the gift that keeps on giving and never goes away. Their are a few of those out there.
Totally NTA. You’re both incompatible and it shows with what you wrote. Having a baby involves both partners saying yes or not having a relationship at all. You wanted to have a child, but he didn’t at this moment. But let’s look at what he said to you.
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He says that if women can choose to terminate a pregnancy, men should be able to choose to give up their involvement as a father as long as this is communicated to the mother ASAP
The choice to have an abortion is between you and your doctor, not you, your doctor, and him. Even if you chose to keep it, he would still be required legally to pay child support no matter how many ties he cut until the baby turns 21. In many places, he can risk going to jail if he refuses to pay.
>I think the best thing for both of us is for me to terminate and move on from him. He says this is a manipulation tactic. He thinks I’m doing this just so he’ll cave and support this baby.
No, you didn’t try to baby trap him; it was an accidental pregnancy that you’re clearly not ready for. You both have opposite life ambitions, goals, etc. Incompatibility of values and dreams, especially in disagreements regarding having children, is the biggest sign to get an abortion, leave him, and start over.
I have a story in regards to this kind of subject. My brother had a friend whom I will call Emily. Emily was ready to get married to her fiancé, whom I will call Carl. When they wanted to get married, Emily and Carl agreed from the start of the engagement, they weren’t going to have any kids. It was what Emily wanted from day one, and he respected that. However, when Carl went to a family reunion, he saw that he had several nieces and nephews, and he decided that he wanted to have kids with Emily. Emily and he got into an argument because she was firm with her boundary of not having kids. As a result, Emily ended her relationship with Carl one week before the wedding. Since she couldn’t return everything on time, she turned the wedding into a large party instead. In that moment, she knew that she and Carl weren’t compatible and that while weddings were expensive, divorce lawyers are twice as expensive.
So you made the best choice OP, get the abortion, ask the doctors about counseling, continue your education, and start over.
“He says that if women can choose to terminate a pregnancy, men should be able to choose to give up their involvement as a father as long as this is communicated to the mother ASAP”
I have heard this argument from men before. “If she can choose to keep the baby if I don’t want it, I should get to choose to fuck off into the wind.”
But that isn’t how it works. Mothers and fathers don’t get equal say about pregnancy and birth because mothers and fathers don’t have equal responsibility concerning pregnancy and birth.
Before the baby is born, the only thing that matters in terms of who gets a say is bodily autonomy. He has bodily autonomy over his own sperm, and he could have chosen not to inseminate you if he didn’t want to be a father.
After conception the pregnant person’s bodily autonomy is the only thing that matters. You get to choose whether to have the abortion or not. His feelings no longer matter.
Is it fair to men that they have to surrender all their say in the situation as soon as the sperm leaves their body? No, but it also isn’t fair to women that they have to risk death and severe bodily injury, and endure months of physical discomfort in order to reproduce when men don’t. Men and women do not have equal say because men and women do not endure equal risk and do not have equal responsibilities. He had his choice to exercise his autonomy and he squandered it.
After the birth, neither parent gets a say anymore because the only thing that matters is the welfare of the child. Parents don’t get autonomy, and parents don’t have a right to back away from the situation, even if they are there against their will, because nothing matters more than the welfare of the child. It doesn’t matter if they are parents by choice or if they were forced to become parents through rape or through circumstances. It doesn’t matter if they planned the pregnancy or not. It doesn’t matter. After the child is born, the only thing that matters is the child’s welfare. And so no, your boyfriend doesn’t get to walk away from the child and abdicate all responsibility just because you didn’t get an abortion when he wanted you to.
You need to break up with this guy regardless of if you keep the baby or not. He doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t respect you, and he walks about the world with a self centered main character mindset.
Dude you’re in college. Dont bring a baby into this world so young. The kid deserves more imo.
His what if is “what if we can’t afford this , what if it doesn’t work, what if the baby needs more help”
You’ve been with him 8 months. You have quite a few years to have a kid. I’m tired of people bringing kids into this world that are CLEARLY not ready
NTA. Get the abortion, break up, and move on. And yeah sure therapy might be helpful.
All his thoughts about how he SHOULD be able to just walk away don’t matter a hill of beans. He is legally obligated to help support this child, should you choose to have it. Even if he signs away his rights, he still has to pay.
The only way you could be TAH is if he thought you were reliably taking the pill. (Then he would still be dumb for not having another method of protection as well.)
He’s ready to dump you and leave you with a baby, it’s absolutely okay for you dump him for that.
Get the termination and an IUD. If you can’t reliably take bc, it’s a good choice.
Nta. It’s completely reasonable and very healthy that you want to do it before things get bad. If you know you’re going to be resentful do not stay. If you stay, every time you fight you will find some way to bring this up because of your resentment. I’m sorry you’re going through this and maybe you guys just need some time apart and can get together after sorting through your emotions. Good luck!
You breaking up with him if you terminate is a manipulation tactic, but him breaking up with you if you keep it isn’t? This dude is dumb af. Whether you ultimately decide to keep the baby or not, this boy does not have what it takes to be a father.
Please don’t terminate the life growing inside you.
Put it up for adoption, there are lines of people waiting to adopt newborns.
NTA.
(OP has stated the abortion is happening so telling her to or not to continue pregnancy is redundant.)
Your relationship, unfortunately, will never go back to how it was. You both will be forever changed either way (you more so for reasons, in my opinion). And if you won’t be able to see him the same way, leaving is a better option for both of you.
Regardless of how this goes you will wonder “what if”. But resentment will only get stronger.
I don’t believe it’s a manipulation tactic. I see both sides of this and my personal belief is that you’re making the right decision based on info you provided. But even if it was a manipulation tactic, you should not be with someone who manipulates you or who you feel you have to manipulate.
NTA. You know the way you want to go, it’s just that it really, really sucks. There is no easy way forward, and I am wishing you all the best for your future!
You’re absolutely nta. You’re making an incredibly tough and painful decision, and doing it with maturity, clarity, and honesty. Wanting to break up isn’t manipulation, it’s recognizing that this experience has changed your view of the relationship and that staying would only hurt you more. It’s okay to grieve, to feel angry or sad, but none of that makes you wrong for walking away. You’re protecting your future peace, and that’s something to be proud of.
NAH
After my abortion the relationship ended, I blamed him. Shitty situation, I hope you have a good support system, you’ll need it. My now ex drove me, stayed and drove me back home. Make sure to include him (if you’re okay with it), cause it’s as his responsibility as yours.
While safe harmless compassionate open-minded future-focused Honorable ADOPTION should ALWAYS be an available option,,
While you are totally legally ALLOWED to get abortion regardless of how others think feel about abortion
While you are ALLOWED to break up with this boyfriend whether you get abortion or not,,
While you are ALLOWED to try to keep or even marry this boyfriend whether you get abortion or not,,,
While there are NO easy answers guaranteed to make everyone happy
Please Do What Is Right
I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful
Hopefully soon everything changes and is much different and BETTER
You know that at the end of the day I did read the full story and I got a good understanding of it but yes and no to your question no because you know I understand completely you don’t want to be a single mother he doesn’t want to be involved and you know I wouldn’t want to be with someone either who doesn’t want to be with both me and my child after they help produce it. But also yes you are because not only did y’all both sit down and have an adult conversation about it and he did let you know at the end of the day it is your choice about what you decided to do but he did also tell you ahead of time like he gave you a heads up like I do have plans for after college and he wants to do those things.
You said and said that you did tell him that if you had an abortion you were going to break up with him and then proceeded to say that I’m not trying to give him an ultimatum when sweetie unfortunately you did give him an ultimatum you basically told him it’s either you have the baby and y’all stay together and he gives up his life and his dreams to be with you and the baby or if you do have the abortion you are going to break up with him because of that he’s not telling you he doesn’t want to have kids with you that’s not what he is saying what he was saying was that at the moment cuz you are still in college day you know he wants y’all to both finish and then think about having kids after the fact.
And as a single mother myself I sympathize with you it is hard it is tough and you know it can be very stressful and hard to handle I totally understand your point on that because like I said I’m a mother my child is 7 years old and she is my world. Also at the end of the day I wish I had a man who wanted to be there for me and her whether we were in college or not at the end of the day if you sat down and y’all both agreed it was not a good idea to have a baby at the moment then you know that’s something y’all both decided on but the fact that you sign up here and told him you were going to break up with him if you got the abortion you still gave him an ultimatum to choose and y’all both are going to be hurt by you at the end of the day because if you choose to break up with him because of that you’re going to be doubting every relationship after that because of that one ultimatum you made in college yes
NTA. You both are young and reached the end of your relationship. No judgement and the decision is and always will be yours. But I will say consider how he may treat the child if you were to carry and give birth. Even a hands off father can be traumatic and if he is feeling petty could make a lengthy awkward legal battle ensue.
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I was your age when this happened to me. I went through with the abortion and did eventually break up with my bf because he was insensitive and unsupportive.
It was the best decision all around. I moved on to get my life together and in my 30’s found the best partner to share my life with. We have a young daughter and another baby on the way.
You’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. Take some rest and time to yourself after your appointment, you’ll need it. Set up a heating pad, drinks, snacks, pain meds, and cozy blankets, etc.
NTA. OP, I know I am not you, but wanted to share my story with you. I am 43 now, and had an abortion when I was 18. The father was not a good choice of mine, but I was young and inexperienced. He told me he would “fight me tooth and nail” if I tried to make him support the baby. I knew I was going to have an abortion at that point, and did. He went out and got someone else pregnant three weeks later, and kept the child. It was an incredibly hard time for me, and I still talk about it in therapy today.
Life has shown me, time and time again, that I made the right decision to abort the fetus. Did it make me sad sometimes? Of course. That’s why I suggest therapy for you. Having an abortion is hard, but sometimes it needs to be done. You have such a bright future! Dump this guy, he has shown you who he is. There are better things waiting for you!
All the love to you sweetie, I know how hard this is.
Nta
NTA this has shown you what kind of person he is and will always be. You need someone who has the same values as you want the same as you and he doesn’t so it’s done and you’ll be free to find your person.
NTA You have to break up. You are right that your relationship is over. He is a horrible person for trying to manipulate you into sticking around by accusing YOU of using a “manipulation tactic.”
I
your ex shouldn’t be getting his pickle wet if he is not man enough to deal with ALL the consequences.
nta
I would break up with him. He has shown you that his own life/future/plans are more important than you. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you shouldn’t compromise your goals for another person, BUT life is not predictable. Life does not follow a plan. You need a partner than can adapt to all the craziness life will throw your way and support you no matter what. On top of that, if he could KNOW he has a child in the world and choose not to take care of it, it just gives me the vibe that he wouldn’t be a good father. He’s putting his own needs above not only you, but his potential children as well. If he wasn’t ready for a kid he should have worn a condom. It takes two to tango. Yeah you slipped up on your BC but you said you’re willing to be a parent right now. If he wasn’t willing to be a parent, he shouldn’t have been willing to fuck without a condom. 8 months is a blip in the grand scheme of things. Leave this guy, get the abortion.
Going to go super against the grain here.
NAH leaning towards YTA.
You forgot to take your pill. You wanted to have a baby in a situation where you’re so young you don’t even have a developed brain. Your boyfriend made a smart decision, and you resent him for it. It’s fair to resent him for it, but this seems like a situation that would’ve been avoided had you taken your birth control. Your boyfriend literally saved your future.
NTA because it’s an acceptable decision. Is he wrong? Not at all. Just because he’s right doesn’t mean you have continue in that relationship.
NTA, I was in a similar situation when I was a little older then you are. We tried to stay friends after but it was not possible. I could not think of him the same way again. It’s been a long time but we have become friends (kinda) again. You are about to go though a very trying time in your life, you need supportive people around. It does not sound like this guy is that person.
Fine someone you trust that’s not going to judge you for your choice, someone that you are going to be able to lean on.
NTA always put your mental health first. The same way you acknowledged and listened to his views on the situation. Is the same way he could’ve worn a condom and been more understanding of you and your feelings when you told him. He should’ve taken more accountability for the part he played in this it takes two to make a baby. Instead he accused you of trying to manipulate him when you were honest about how you felt on the situation. If this is how he acted about something as important as this then this is how he’ll always act his feelings over yours. Be glad you got out when you did I wish you the best moving forward.
If you ‘keep forgetting” your pill look into an implant device or IUĎ or it will happen again
Whether he wants to be a father or not, he would be required to pay child support. That’s not for you, but for the child.
But in your situation, I’d terminate the pregnancy and the relationship.
Absolutely really think about whether you want to have this abortion and go through your reasons why. This is about you and your body. I respect and understand that your mother had to figure this out as a single parent. But she apparently didn’t do that awful of a job because at least she has a daughter that is thoughtful and that is prepared to weigh out different types of scenarios. Break ups happen in life. The human heart is so huge. We are capable of loving people in all different kinds of ways. I’ve gone through my own experiences and what I will tell you is that choosing to have an abortion and repercussions afterwards can also feel very intense depending on the individual if there is a big part of you that wants to have this child and you have the time to maybe give it an extra few days to think about an extra week really do it there are resources and there are people in their places that can help. Don’t let your past experience, be the only influencer and certainly don’t let a guy be the reason why you choose not to have this child or do you choose to have a child. Either way there will be mental trying times. That’s just what being human is. I’m glad that you and your boyfriend had a very calm conversation and so you may not like his decision about not wanting to be a father right now that is his right and his decision to make. What you have to decide is if you can live with a person who basically gave you the ultimatum. If you have strong people in your life that you can trust and talk to talk to them first before you make this decision as long as they are people that can be independent thinkers with you and not try to influence you one way or another. Do not make a decision for yourself and your unborn child because of the threat of a break up or the idea that guilt will be the only reason that person is around. If you do want this baby, that means you want to be a mother being a parent means you’re going to sacrifice some of your own personal needs in order to bring this life into this world that deserves someone who is all in. I fully believe it is your right to choose, but please take the time to really think this through and ask yourself what matters to you and if it is your boyfriend’s love and maintaining that relationship that matters to you more, you may have your answer. Please do know, though that no matter what you choose, there is no guarantee that your relationship will last without lots of work and understanding and if it there is already resentment there, it is going to be that much harder to steady the ship. That’s my two cents. I’m here if you need a friend to run things by.
NTA. It’s good that y’all were able to have a nice respectful conversation about all of this but him saying you’re trying to “manipulate” him is throwing up a huge red flag. That being said, tensions are no doubt running high right now. But you know your feelings and that’s enough for you to end a relationship over.
Make sure to seek therapy and support after all this; I know it’s a huge, difficult decision to make. Rooting for you, girl. ❤️
WHATEVER YOU DO….Don’t terminate and stay with him.
If he says he’s gonna leave you if you keep it…. you’ll do it alone. If you don’t want that for yourself….then terminate and move on from him. Learn from your mistakes and save Motherhood for when you and your future partner are READY. No regrets.
It doesn’t matter if or if/not anyone is TA here. It’s incompatible. If it’s not going to work, it won’t. No point in beating a dead horse.
This chapter is over. Move forward. Don’t look back but remember this as a lesson learned.
NTAH… wash that bitch (your ex ”man” to be) out of your hair. Live your best life!
Been there, i miscarried but once a guy isn’t down for you and you pregancy weather you want to keep it or not its done .. its like an off switch. Agree with the therapy sending hugs
NTA.
No matter what, you’re about to go through something massive (I’ve lost a baby and had a successful birth, but nearly died during labor) and should look into therapy for you and only you.
But honestly? He’s NTA either love. For all of the same reasons you’ve been beating yourself up, and all of the same reasons you want to make your own choices. You guys are just young.
If he was disrespectful and a whole host of other disgusting behaviors I would have a different take.
Be well
NTA but if you do it don’t go back to him it will never work. I know from experience (guy cry)
Everybody please stop telling her what to do or not do with her body. She needs to do what is right for her simple as that.
NTA. You have to do what is right for you. In the future, if you miss pills, use a back up method like condoms or the morning after pill as it will prevent you from getting pregnant. Good luck
He can choose not to be involved, but he can’t choose to be financially irresponsible.
And you cannot “force” someone to parent.
Make your decision based on what you think is best for yourself and any future child who may result from continuing the pregnancy.
NTA . the consequences for you are wayy bigger either way but its fair there are some for him as well, he got rights to them after all not only “right to walk away” . Let him have his consequences! He deserves them
NTA
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them
if he doesn’t want to be a parent, he should double bag or Just Say No
Spare me some time here: From what I understand that you want to terminate THEN break up with him then how could it be manipulating him into support the child (who’s already aborted at that point)? He’s actually guilt tripping you. NTA.
On the other hand,take care of yourself! Good luck!
Could you offer the child up for adoption and stay with him??
NTA, I had an abortion at 21. The guy I was with didn’t care about my health and our flatmates (mid 40’s) was pushing me to have sex with him cause its “good for the baby”. Living condition was bad, there was rat poo and cockroaches everywhere and saying we need to move fell on deaf ears. When my dad found out, he was pissed and scheduled all the doctors appointments for my abortion. I said I felt fine but that night I nearly unalived myself due to the depression and loss of my baby. Do I regret it now, not as much as I did back then. I still think of the what ifs. But I’m happy now. I’m 29 engaged and welcomed my daughter 4 months ago.
I had an abortion at the age of 18 and have never looked back. I did not want to be a single Mom, nor did I want to raise a child with an alcoholic bf. Your body, your choice. You are young and can have children later when you meet the right person.