My brother was married to his wife for 14 years and has two boys together (10 and 12). Their marriage struggled a lot, but they made it last for that long. I became super close with his wife and she was a wonderful wife and mother to him.
I know for a fact my brother cheated on her in the past even though he won’t admit it to me. I’m also 99% sure he left his wife for his current girlfriend although he won’t admit that either.
The divorce has been nasty and restraining orders against him have been in place and everything. They can only speak about the boys.
Recently myself (aunt of the boys) and my mother (grandmother of the boys) made plans to get together with the children and the ex-wife. These plans included staying the night at our house because they live out of town. My brother found out and blew up, was super pissed off but we were firm that this was not fair for the children and the kids deserve to see everyone get along for their sake. My brother talks shit about their mother often, even infront of them, and we always vowed to not take sides for the sake of the kids.
Of course everything escalated. Our other sibling called me basically telling me we were terrible, how it was selfish to do this to our brother and how dare we pick the ex over family. Basically I was told we were pieces of shit for choosing the children over everything else and neither of my siblings see it as compassion for the kids.
At this the family is split and my brother wants nothing to do with us and neither does my other siblings apparently.
AITA for this letting my brothers ex wife stay at our house with the kids? Should we not have any sort of relationship with her? In my mind it’s best for the kids to see each side of the family get along and not hate eachother. The divorce has been very traumatizing for both of them.
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My brother was married to his wife for 14 years and has two boys together (10 and 12). Their marriage struggled a lot, but they made it last for that long. I became super close with his wife and she was a wonderful wife and mother to him.
I know for a fact my brother cheated on her in the past even though he won’t admit it to me. I’m also 99% sure he left his wife for his current girlfriend although he won’t admit that either.
The divorce has been nasty and restraining orders against him have been in place and everything. They can only speak about the boys.
Recently myself (aunt of the boys) and my mother (grandmother of the boys) made plans to get together with the children and the ex-wife. These plans included staying the night at our house because they live out of town. My brother found out and blew up, was super pissed off but we were firm that this was not fair for the children and the kids deserve to see everyone get along for their sake. My brother talks shit about their mother often, even infront of them, and we always vowed to not take sides for the sake of the kids.
Of course everything escalated. Our other sibling called me basically telling me we were terrible, how it was selfish to do this to our brother and how dare we pick the ex over family. Basically I was told we were pieces of shit for choosing the children over everything else and neither of my siblings see it as compassion for the kids.
At this the family is split and my brother wants nothing to do with us and neither does my other siblings apparently.
AITA for this letting my brothers ex wife stay at our house with the kids? Should we not have any sort of relationship with her? In my mind it’s best for the kids to see each side of the family get along and not hate eachother. The divorce has been very traumatizing for both of them.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I chose to maintain a relationship with my brothers ex-wife instead of cutting her off like he wanted me too 2) am I an asshole for keeping a relationship with her against my brothers wishes?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Your brother is a real piece of work. You’re mom must be really disappointed in him.
NTA and I would go low contact with your brother. He sounds like a huge selfish ass.
NTA. Not sure what else needs to be said here lol
“Sorry that I’m better at maintaining a mature, civil relationship with your ex than you, bro. That’s really crappy for you. It must be tough not knowing how to be pleasant. May I suggest therapy?” NTA.
You’re NTA. You’re acting like a reasonable adult and letting the kids know there are people who won’t try to force them to choose sides in their family.
NTA
Your mom and you need to keep the relationship with his ex because at the rate he’s going he’ll lose visitation with the kids. You don’t want to never see your nephews again.
Those who don’t see that he was a crappy husband and is being an even crappier co parent. Can mind their own business!!
OP: the rest of your family sucks. Like so much. Immature and childish to the core. You and your mother are best left to your own lives and cut out the toxicity. NTA.
Your brother is the ass hole. You and your mom are doing what’s right for everyone innocent in this situation. Try to ignore the haters.
NTA I hate my bffs wife with a passion but I don’t slag her off around her kid. And I’d clip my BFF round the ear if he ever did. That alone means I don’t blame you for keeping a relationship with the ex. She’s obviously the more mature between the 2. And it’s for the children not his ego.
NTA. You’re absolutely in the right here. As a child of divorce myself, I really appreciate that I got to see both sides of my family often.
NTA
My sister divorced her husband and they have a child together. He’s still Uncle X because he’s her dad.
And sometimes re custody the best way to see her is to also hang with him
NTA I always have heat for family who also abandon kids. So good for you and your mom.
NTA. Your brother can’t claim any moral high ground, past or present, and he’s actively engaging in parental alienation by badmouthing his ex in front of their kids. You and your mother being neutral for the benefit of the kids is what should be happening, rather than putting the kids in the middle of hostilities.
Document as much as you can for the inevitable custody hearing, your SIL needs all the support she can get.
I saw this in a show…family or fiancée. Where the grandmother continued a relationship with the ex. But the ex was actively keeping the kids from their dad. He was upset that she didn’t understand how painful that was to have his kids kept away.
In this case…if you think he cheated and left her for the current gf, she probably does too. Could that level of betrayal lead her acting out of character? Absolutely. But it doesn’t sound like you have talked to your brother about it, or your post would have concrete things of what they each have done.
I think there is a difference between being there for the kids and having a sleepover…
I have to assume your brother doesn’t get to see the kids? And that’s why you didn’t make the sleepover plan during one of his visits?
At that age, you can fly on your own. Could you not make the plans without her? Or travel there and just see the kids?
I just see other options than having her sleep over.
NTA in any way!! You and your mother are to be commended for acting like mature, loving family members to his kids. He should be ashamed of himself.
You are NTA. He absolutely is.
I had something similar with my ex. I left him when I was pregnant with our youngest. His parents lived 300 miles away and were disabled and sick. They could just as easily visit me, as I could them. When they visited, it was usually for a day or overnight. When I visited, it was usually for a weekend (single parent going to school and working). I told them that when I left my ex, it was important that they still be able to see the grandkids. I wouldn’t let him have the kids until i was ordered to by a judge due to narcissism and abuse and he would just take to oldest out of school whenever he wanted and returned him whenever he wanted until I gave him court papers. I told them (parents) that I would be happy to drop them (not baby) off for the weekend (baby for a few hrs at a time until she was older), and I would stay in a hotel to lessen conflict. “The hell you will! You will stay in this house. We love you, and that’s his problem that he needs to figure out.” He found out and gave them an ultimatum, me or him. MIL literally just said no and hung up (I was there for that phone call). He threatened again, followed up with “I’m going to get evicted and need you to give me money.” His dad laughed and hung up. He eventually got over it when he realized they were not going to give him any money with that kind of attitude. I loved his mother. She was a second mother to me, and my parents loved her as well. We could’ve cared less about his dad. Sadly, they both died a year later due to illness. Luckily, he’s much better now. He’s still an AH, but better than before.
NTA. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, except for your brother. It fell, rolled down the hill to a river, river washed it down to the ocean, and it ended up in that pile of sea trash where the rest of his siblings are.. ex over family? Who do they think the nephews are?
Enjoy your view from the tree.
NTA
He’s being a major AH for trashing their mother and otherwise trying to alienate the kids from the rest of you
This is abusive as hell, and the kids will figure it out
NTA
Your brother is not a good person. The fact he’s treating the Mother of his children the way he is and is saying the things he says, shows he’s not a good parent either.
You guys need to pick a side and it should be his ex and the kids. None of them did anything wrong and they need to know they are loved and supported by your side of the family. I don’t know why you would even bother with your brother and his side piece at this point. He really sounds awful and a restraining order? he also sounds unhinged and dangerous.
NTA
My brother did this to his kids. His ex did treat him poorly,but he was more focused on being right than he was on protecting his kids from his anger. I was always nice to their mother (not friends, but kind and friendly) and I was always there for his children. Years later he wasn’t invited to his youngest daughter’s wedding and he told me if I went he’d never talk to me again.
Watching her walk down the aisle, I realized that no matter what I love his kids and how sad it was that he wanted to make her special day less special. I call the kids (now adults) out when they are wrong. I’ve stopped calling out my brother because fruitless exercise. I realized my relationship with his kids is more important to me than a relationship with him.
Be there for the kids and be kind to everyone—but don’t take bullshit from anyone. You won’t regret it.
NTA – your responsibility to the children doesn’t/shouldn’t correlate with feeling for the other parent.
Your brother is being immature. He was being immature when he cheated on his wife instead of leaving, then pursuing the new relationship.
Your other sibling sounds like someone who would pull the same, so not exactly someone I’d be interested in or hold true value in their opinion. Good on you for showing the children consistency and fun during this new situation.
Technically NTA. But any family of mine who tries to stay good with any of my exes are dead to me.
NTA. All of this is your brother’s fault in the first place. The judge will remind him when he loses custody.
NTA don’t cut of access with your SIL and nephews
NTA. The children are your blood too. That’s wild that your other siblings are taking the cheater’s side. Keep showing the ex that you aren’t all unhinged.
You are the type of relatives that children deserve. You are providing an island of stability in the turbulent seas of their parent’s issues. They are going to love you for caring and will not forget the joys you let them have during these times.
Siblings do not dictate who you can love. Ignore them.
NTA. But your brother and your sibs are for sure.
It’s all about the kids. If everyone remembers that, co-parenting will be so easier. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells around your brother when it comes to your nephews. Kudos to you and your mother for standing up to your brother and sister and staying in the children’s lives. If he’s feeling guilty about destroying his family, behaving deplorably towards you, his ex, kids and mother will not improve the situation. He’s a major AH. Stand your ground. The kids are innocent. Keep your relationship with them.
NTA those kids are still your family so it makes sense to have a decent relationship with their mother. I’m kinda side eyeing your brother and wondering what kind of harassing, abusive shit he pulled to get a restraining order placed on him though
NTA- Always put the children first. You’re a good aunt.
Nta
NTA. I have family that I do the same with. When someone has children, the children come first
NTA
However, despite how close you are getting it is probably best you don’t shag your brother’s ex
It’s hard for you to turn her away as you’ve developed a relationship with her outside your brother. However you don’t need her to spend the night with you to show the kids that you respect her. I see why he may feel that you are taking the ex’s side in this situation. You don’t need to spend the night with her or even really do anything with her. You should focus on the kids and be kind to her and helpful but if you want a relationship with your brother you can see how he would feel slighted by you hanging out with her.
Mais de quoi se mêlent tous ces gens là !?
NTA
At the end of the day, those kids are family and that’s their mom. If your brothers cannot handle the idea of you communicating or seeing them, that’s their problem. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sucks when you realize your family members are immature idiots.
NTA in so many ways. Brother may just end up with a new court order of parental alienation. Im sorry your other siblings don’t understand that the kids/grandkids are innocent. Id be tempted to go nuclear on brother tho. If you can’t be civil about us maintaining a relationship with your kids then don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.
NTA; you are doing everything right, OP. I could understand your brother being upset about a relationship with the ex if she had been the one to cheat or if she had been abusing him or something. But it sounds like he was a large part of the problem in the marriage and is now throwing a hissy fit because he’s not getting his way.
My brother knows that if his marriage ever goes sideways, my SIL is getting us in the divorce.
NTA. You and your mom are putting the kids first, as it should be. Your brother’s moral compass is broken if he can’t see that and appreciate it.
NTA What kind of asshole trie to punish his own kids by cutting them off from family that loves them? Your brother is garbage. They don’t hand out restraining orders just for being a big meanie to your ex. And given his behavior, I’d let your SIL know he’s attempting to alienate the affections of her children. Custody should take that into account.
I maintained a friendly relationship with my sister’s ex for the kids, too. We’re going to be family for the rest of their lives. Personally, I’d choose your ex-SIL instead of that jerk anyway.
Nta. The only person here talking about the kids and their needs is you, your mom, and ex-SIL. This is about the kids. Your brother is acting like a child. Your other siblings is just jumping in for drama. You are doing the right thing.
NTA – He and many other members of your family clearly are. The kids are family and so is their mother. Who is more family than some of your actual family.
NTA Just because your brother and ex got a divorce doesn’t mean you can’t continue being friends with her. Your brother needs to grow up. Hasn’t he moved on? So why is he so worried about what the ex has going on. And him talking bad about ex to their children is out of line he clearly not over her even though he with someone else. He really going to lose his mind when she starts dating
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NTA stay strong!
NTA, you’re not picking his ex over family especially since she’s the mother of your nephews
NTA. Ignore the brother. Honestly, it is triangulation. I talk to my former I laws all the time. My kids have cell phones so they can have relationships with them outside of me.
When my ex tried to use my kids against his parents,
I just said, “Of course you can see the tell me when you want to.”
Don’t negotiate with terrorists. Let the sibling have their opinion. See where that loyalty lies when the brother inevitably uses the other siblings.
You can’t please everyone do what is best for you and the people with no power ie the kids.
The way you have written your post is misleading. Why does anyone need to know about your suspicions of him cheating to answer this question?
Your post makes it sound like you and your mother made plans to see the kids, and in order to do that she HAD to stay the night. Making it sound like thats the only way you can see the kids.
In reality, she was coming into town for an event and WANTED to spend the night and asked. You have mentioned what a great woman she is and how much you like her. So of course, you want her to spend the night so you can have time with her! How fun!
She could have stayed in a hotel, and you still could have seen the kids.
This isn’t about the kids. This is about your friendship with her…YTA
NTA !! In fact I commend you for rising above the toxic environment and putting the children first. Your nieces and nephews need to know stability and support regardless of parents conflict !!! Your brother and siblings are so wrong !!! Selfish selfish selfish !!! My parents split when I was 8—my mothers side of the family chose her over us kids !!! We were no longer family because of the split !!! One moment we had cousins and family, holidays and traditions and than nothing !!! It was so very hurtful and damaging to us kids !!! OP keep putting the kids first !! They need the love !!