I’m planning on getting a cat for myself and children even though my husband said no.
I’ve had animals most of my life. I’m 100% an animal lover, specifically cats and dogs, and my husband knows how important they are to me. I brought my dog to my husband and I’s first date. He was always affectionate to both my cat and dog, sometimes expressing annoyance with them, but he also grew up with animals and gave me no indication that he was against animals.
When our dog died a few years ago he said, “Don’t get any ideas, I will divorce you if you ever bring another dog home.” This shocked me but I assumed he was bluffing, and I’ve respected his wishes to not get another dog. I took this very hard but have been willing to compromise, and had focused on enjoying our cat. Our cat died a few months ago and I have been having a hard time. I discovered that having an animal around is a coping mechanism for me to deal with stress and sadness and without my cat therapy I’m a mess! I have children that I love very much but they don’t provide me with this type of comfort and I don’t think they should. I’ve expressed this need of a pet many times to my husband and warned him that I would very soon be looking for another cat, still respectful of his dog ultimatum.
A friend offered a kitten to me and my husband says he will not support this at all and does not want me to get a pet. I plan on getting it anyway.
To offer his side the best that I am able: he says he wants to travel in an RV or a boat or hike the AT sometime in the future, maybe when the children are older, and an animal will prevent him from following his dreams.
I have no interest in living in an RV or a boat (hiking the AT is fine) and I have told him that I would be willing to do these things because I love him and I’d like him to be able to do what makes him happy. I would just bring a cat with me, or if it was temporary, have my mom take the cat while we are gone.
I might be being too dramatic here, but I feel like he doesn’t want me to be happy. I want a cat so badly! However, he says that he thinks I don’t want him to be happy because he doesn’t like cats and I want to upset his life by getting one. AITA that’s potentially ruining a marriage because I’m planning on getting a cat when he doesn’t want one? Now, I don’t actually think that he’d divorce me for bringing the cat home, but I feel like this is a road that will lead to divorce either way even though we are so happy together. If I don’t get a cat I will feel bitter and repressed and be looking for someone who values my happiness. If I get the cat, he might feel that way.
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I’m planning on getting a cat for myself and children even though my husband said no.
I’ve had animals most of my life. I’m 100% an animal lover, specifically cats and dogs, and my husband knows how important they are to me. I brought my dog to my husband and I’s first date. He was always affectionate to both my cat and dog, sometimes expressing annoyance with them, but he also grew up with animals and gave me no indication that he was against animals.
When our dog died a few years ago he said, “Don’t get any ideas, I will divorce you if you ever bring another dog home.” This shocked me but I assumed he was bluffing, and I’ve respected his wishes to not get another dog. I took this very hard but have been willing to compromise, and had focused on enjoying our cat. Our cat died a few months ago and I have been having a hard time. I discovered that having an animal around is a coping mechanism for me to deal with stress and sadness and without my cat therapy I’m a mess! I have children that I love very much but they don’t provide me with this type of comfort and I don’t think they should. I’ve expressed this need of a pet many times to my husband and warned him that I would very soon be looking for another cat, still respectful of his dog ultimatum.
A friend offered a kitten to me and my husband says he will not support this at all and does not want me to get a pet. I plan on getting it anyway.
To offer his side the best that I am able: he says he wants to travel in an RV or a boat or hike the AT sometime in the future, maybe when the children are older, and an animal will prevent him from following his dreams.
I have no interest in living in an RV or a boat (hiking the AT is fine) and I have told him that I would be willing to do these things because I love him and I’d like him to be able to do what makes him happy. I would just bring a cat with me, or if it was temporary, have my mom take the cat while we are gone.
I might be being too dramatic here, but I feel like he doesn’t want me to be happy. I want a cat so badly! However, he says that he thinks I don’t want him to be happy because he doesn’t like cats and I want to upset his life by getting one. AITA that’s potentially ruining a marriage because I’m planning on getting a cat when he doesn’t want one? Now, I don’t actually think that he’d divorce me for bringing the cat home, but I feel like this is a road that will lead to divorce either way even though we are so happy together. If I don’t get a cat I will feel bitter and repressed and be looking for someone who values my happiness. If I get the cat, he might feel that way.
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> I am planning on bringing a cat home when my husband said he is not okay with it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH.
You’re pretty much saying the cat is more important than your husband. Your husband is pretty much saying not having a cat is more important than your marriage. Nobody is talking about compromise.
Best of luck to you.
YTA.
Your husband is drawing a firm and clear boundary. You plan on crossing it just to call a perceived bluff. Why? It honestly sounds like you two have other issues if not getting a cat is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for you, and having a pet is divorce worthy for him.
NTA – BUT you guys have issues beyond a pet. INSIST that he go to marriage counseling with you. While I don’t think he is trying to make you unhappy, he is just being.a dictator. And THAT is not a relationship
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NTA – It’s very odd of him to spring “I will divorce you if you get a dog” on you. A complete ultimatum with no compromise when he knows how important this is for you. If he felt that strongly about no pets in the future, he should’ve talked with you about it before even getting married. Especially since he knew all along how important animals were to you since you brought your dog on your first date with him! This makes it seem like he deliberately kept this from you so he could “trap” you with him before revealing how much he doesn’t want to have a pet. Which is very unfair to you.
All of his reasons for not wanting a pet are all about him, him, him. He says you don’t care about his happiness, but I’d say he cares enough about his and only his happiness enough for two people. He isn’t hearing you at all or caring about your happiness in the slightest. I don’t see how his reasoning means you couldn’t have a pet. He needs to be willing to have conversations and make compromises, since he wasn’t upfront with you about this before marriage. He knowingly married an animal lover.
I wouldn’t get a pet under his nose, since that does need to be something that’s agreed upon, but I would have serious conversations with him about why he didn’t tell you this before marriage and if he always planned to spring this on you while you were years deep in the marriage.
YTA
> I discovered that having an animal around is a coping mechanism for me to deal with stress and sadness
Consider this an opportunity for growth.
Pets are an all “yes” situation. If there’s one “no,” you don’t get the pet.
NTA. But this isn’t about the cat. You both want drastically different lives that do not align with each other at all.
NTA, but YTA if you actually bring a cat home without talking it over or reaching some sort of compromise. Just ask yourself, is having a cat worth potentially ruining your marriage? If yes, then get a cat. If you’re more comfortable living life with a cat than with your husband then I say go for it. But since you said you two are happy together, I’m assuming he provides you with something that a cat can’t, so since you can’t communicate accurately with a cat, try talking to him first and let him know what a cat provides for you that he can’t.
I mean, yeah. I sympathize, I’m not allowed pets here, and I miss having a cat so much, but it’s both of your homes, and you have to agree on having an animal.
ESH. He jumped to divorce super fast. And wanting to live in an RV or whatever without really talking to you and making decisions based off that “dream” is insane. If you divorced him over this unhinged behavior I’d wish you well!
That being said animals are a two yes one no situation. If you did get one and you do want to stay with this guy (for some reason) then YTA too. Like imagine his response wasn’t unhinged, then it would be messed up to bring an animal in your shared home.
So your husband said that he’d divorce you if you got a pet and you’re still planning on getting a cat? I understand if you’re trying to maybe convince him or come to some type of compromise or agreement, but if ultimately he still stands by what he said and then you still end up getting the cat then yes, you’re absolutely in the wrong
NTA
That he threatened divorce over getting a cat is so manipulative. That being said, it sounds like your interests don’t align (although I should say everyone I know with an RV travels with their pets).
My dad said no pets. So my mum got his mum to give him a kitten for Christmas. And, of course, that cat was the best cat, the smartest cat, the wisest cat, the most beautiful cat that ever lived. We always had cats after that.
ESH. You do not sound compatible. He gets to issue ultimatums but you don’t? It is about his happiness not yours. But at the same time you plan on doing things you have not agreed on. This is a mess of a relationship.
Why in the world are you going to do this? He says he doesn’t like cats and you insist your happiness is more important than his.
To be honest, ESH, but you take the edge for being so insistent about doing this anyway.
How are y’all married with kids and yet want different things? It looks like this is going to end in divorce.
How old are your kids? How long until you’re going to live in an RV?
Get some marriage counseling. You two need to learn to communicate.
NTA and I am sorry about the loss of your pets.
It sounds like you two are not compatible anymore. If my husband said to me “Don’t get any ideas, I will divorce you if you ever bring another dog home.” after one of our dogs died, we would probably be done at that point. And it’s not even about the dog but because that’s not how you speak to your partner. It’s wildly disrespectful. He’s not the sole decision maker of the house.
Also, he seems more concerned with his happiness above everyone else’s, even at the expense of yours. You have no interest in traveling where he wants to go and you still aren’t “allowed” to get a pet? There are lots of options for pet care when you travel. He’s being ridiculous. Are you really as happy together as you say?
However, with his attitude I would not be comfortable bringing another pet into the house if I was you. I would be worried about him hurting it or abusing the pet to get back at you.
YTA, this is so ridiculously selfish. And you’re going to feel like such a clown when he does divorce you. At that point it wouldn’t be divorcing you because of the cat, he’d divorce you for not giving a shit about his boundaries.
YTA
My point of view is this, you can’t really compromise on having an animal in the home or not. It’s very binary, either there is a cat or there isn’t one. So that being said, if you can’t agree, I would side with the no pet/cat policy as it impacts the whole household, you can’t fully control the animal and its impacts on your partner.
It seems like your partner had already put up with your pets from before, which is reasonable since they pre-existed your relationship, but now it’s his turn to say no to new pets.
NTA, but soft YTA to yourself. When your dog died and your husband said no to another one, you did not “compromise”. You sacrificed. I’m sorry you did. What sacrifices has your husband made to bring you happiness and comfort? Doesn’t sound like he has.
SHOCKED at the number of Y T A in here – are you kidding?
He met, fell in love with, proposed to, married, and had kids with a pet owner and passionate animal lover. None of this was new to him, none of this was a shock.
HE changed the game, waited until her PET DIED, and said “if you get another one I’m divorcing you.” Are you kidding? That’s not just an ultimatum – that’s verging on controlling, manipulation, and borderline abusive. Yes, normally pets are a “two yes” issue, but he consented to pets when he MOVED IN WITH HER PETS. HE changed the rules of their marriage with NO previous conversation/discussion about it. If he wanted a house without pets, he should’ve mentioned it at any point prior to their marriage, or at least at ANY point prior to both her pets having died.
NTA – but you definitely have a bigger issue than pets/no pets. Before you bring home a kitten, tell your husband it’s time for couples therapy. It sounds like you both are already planning different futures for each other, and have gotten out of alignment in your marriage. Fix the marriage, or realize it doesn’t have a future. THEN bring home the pet – and if he doesn’t want a cat or dog, explore what pets he’d be open to. If he still is setting a hard boundary that communication, therapy, and begging won’t budge – then you need a solo therapy appointment to figure out if this is a marriage you will truly be happy in for the long run, or if it’s time to explore a new path.
ESH
You really need to both agree before you acquire another pet. That is best for your marriage and also for the safety and well-being of the animal. The last thing we need is another pet in the shelters.
But your husband’s position: ‘I will divorce you if you bring another pet into this house’ is harsh in a way that I find frightening. It is just not a normal thing to say. At all.
I genuinely don’t see why you can’t both do what you want. For example I’ve never lived without dogs yet I have always been able to hike and camp and whatever else. The only animal people I know who have difficulty traveling are horse/farm people
NTA
How close are you “to the children being older”?
Personally… if you take care of all of the cat things, and it isn’t destructive, I don’t see what his issue is. My cats play a huge role in my mental health, and I know that if I couldn’t replace them I would suffer horribly. He doesn’t sound like he cares much about what YOU want, emotionally or otherwise.
If you can afford it and are able to do all of its feeding and care yourself… I would tell him you are getting the cat, and all the reasons why it is important to you. And bring it home.
Get couples therapy and not a cat if you want to save your marriage. Maybe you can work towards a cat.
NTA. You’ll be happier with a cat than with a guy who puts such enormous ultimatums on things like getting a pet.
I don’t think you should get the cat. Not because you’re an asshole. But because that man will probably abuse the cat if you bring it home, or just let it out of the house to get hit by a car.
Personally, I’d dump the control freak and get the cat.
I mean, it sounds like you’re either going to call his bluff or this is how you tell him you want a divorce.
ESH
You can’t be serious. Why did you marry someone who’s not into animals???
Going over his head like that is very disrespectful and immature. And I am an animal lover but I would never single handedly make a decision like that against my spouse’s wishes.
You both have issues and neither of you can figure out what compromise is. You guys are wildly incompatible and this marriage will fail eventually, cat or not.
ESH. It seems like counseling would be good for you guys. I feel like there has to be a compromise in there somewhere. If your kids are older, you could get an older dog so you won’t be tied down once they are old enough to move out. Having your mom watch your cat also seems like a good compromise.
You guys should probably figure out your retirement plans, too. If he wants to go travel and live in an RV or on a boat, then that might be a deal breaker for you. Or you could compromise and travel in short stints. Or having a traveling cat might help you want to travel more. Lots of people travel in RVs or small sail boats with animals.
I think regardless, you guys should go to counseling and learn how to communicate your wants with each other without bringing up ultimatums like divorce. And it would help to do it before you start to resent each other for being uncompromising. I wouldn’t bring home a cat without his consent.
This sucks, I really feel for you here. I love having a pet. Getting to know their personalities, their likes and dislikes. Each one so different from the last.
Cat’s are so much easier than dogs IMO.
I wish I had advice. Hang in there.
ESH. You suck because you just plan on getting a cat no matter what. Animals are a 2 yes situation. He sucks for jumping straight to divorce.
Honestly yall should just divorce anyways because your relationship sounds awful and your wants don’t align.
YTA. I believe that having a pet is a two yes decision. If you are that determined to have one, you need to convince him that it is important enough to you for him to want it too.
I’m just curious as to what a ‘compromise’ looks like in this situation? Several people have said that you both need to compromise when it seems like a pretty binary decision to me.
NTA. Why would you want to stay with a guy who is trying to forbid you something that has always been a part of your life, that he’s known since day one is important to you? I’d say bring on the divorce!
NTA. I have told my husband no pets despite being open to them early on while dating. He loves them and I can tell he would really like one. We have never owned one together in 15 years and I really don’t want them (mainly allergies, somewhat because of the mess/smells, and largely due to unforeseen costs cause he’s the kind who would approve a $10k surgery for Fido to get 10 more days on life support before dying anyway and being replaced by another shelter dog, but I digress…)
If he came home with a cat or a dog tomorrow, I would have a frustrated grin on as I told him it was entirely his to manage, then pet our new cat/dog and tell him he’s a dick for not at least letting me go pick it with him! But I would never, ever, EVER think of leaving my partner over a fucking cat. I am so sorry.
I so much want to say your the AH but I can’t. NTA. You already have had household pets for many years so it has been a two yes decision in the past. Unless there is a new legit reason for not having a pet – allergy, household smell, too much clean up, cost – that you are not able to address yourself the I don’t see his argument as legitimate but more controlling. Get a pet sitter when you travel. I am out of the country for weeks at a time and have a reliable pet and house sitter so it is entirely manageable.
YTA. Do not bring an animal into a home without the agreement of BOTH adults. That’s a situation which is very likely to end badly as the dispute over the animal and possibly other underlying disputes may lead to splitting the home and the animal becoming homeless – or, if the family remains intact, the animal may be neglected or even abused.
NTA
Get a dog, a cat, a sheep, hamster, hawk, camel, frog (no, don’t get a frog), llama, deer or whatever critter you may like.
He knew you like animals. He switched sides on you. Lose the loser, and get a pure soul in your heart.
It seems that your husband already compromised by living with animals for years even though he didn’t want to. Are you really unable to give the same grace? YTA
So…he basically married you knowing you’d always want animals and then stealth waited for them all to die and then told you not to get more?
Like…I wouldn’t personally want to be with someone who would bring their dog on a first date unless it was a hiking date or something, I knew they were bringing them and was okay with that. (No shade on you for doing it, btw, that is how important puppers was to you). THAT SAID. This guy married you. He knew what you were like. He didn’t voice concerns or tell you he didn’t want the pets then. I personally think it’s manipulative of him to change the story now that he’s got you locked in. I wouldn’t stand for this either. Not because you value animals more than him, but because he lied to you by omission about his values and wants, and is now trying to strongarm you to conform. I would die on this hill. You don’t get to mislead me for however many years and then issue a divorce ultimatum like that.
YTA. Pets are two yeses or it’s a no.
He’s told you that the price of getting a pet will be your marriage; it’s up to you to decide if it’s a price worth paying.
Honestly, y’all both sound really childish and need to go to marriage counseling.
NTA.
This is a somewhat low stakes bait and switch.
You said that you had no indication he would forbid animals until after your pets had died.
NTA this is absolutely insane from your husband. You had pets when he met you and while most people don’t explicitly think about it, it’s very common to get another pet when you lose one. At no point did he discuss this with you when the obvious default is to continue the life you’re currently leading and then to top it off he throws out an ultimatum after your dog dies and kinda tries to do it again with the cat. There obviously should be room for discussion, but ultimatums are asshole behavior and it seems to me like you’ve answered his concerns at least with regards to the cat.
YTA.
Yall are so incompatible. He bait and switched you on the pets tho.
YTA – My mother did this to my dad. I loved my mom but it was an asshole thing to do to him.
ESH but if his only argument is hypothetical future travel, I’d be getting a cat too. Cats pretty much do fine up to a week on their own and pet sitters exist.
NTA .. but you two have incompatible desires and futures.
He wants to travel and live in an RV. You wouldn’t mind it, but that’s…not your goal?
He hates the idea of having another pet around, and you’re going to say yes to a pet?
I can’t help but wonder – did you two ever discuss your future goals? Values? Dreams?
If you two do discuss that, then at what point did it change? Because it seems like you may have started to grow in different directions, or one of you (apparently) started thinking of other goals that the other (apparently) thought the other would be on board for.
It is very possible that he is drawn to the idea of freedom in general. Being a husband and father can often times not turn out to be the fantasy that is initially imagined and once the restriction of routine and same-sameness kicks in and that sense of losing yourself and who you once were , people in these kind of traditional set up can start to yearn for more from life…often times it leads to the path of cheating and the thrill of new relationship energy …for this guy it is travel, wunderlust, the outdoors and adventure. Knew a couple exactly like this and as soon as their last kid turned 18 and left home, he wanted to sell up and live in a van and be free…his wife liked the home/pets/family life …she tried van life for a short time, HATED It, and bought a new home for herself and they got divorced and she moved on with a boyfriend aligned to her values …
It is crunch time for you guys !! The family life (including a pet) versus his call for adventure freedom in the outdoors … he has set the boundary extremely clearly. Neither is the ah. you just need and want different things and your values sadly don’t align…. a cat will mark the start of the end ..For your husband.a cat will be the line that is crossed that will symbolise that it is time to go separate ways … I don’t blame either of you …I would choose a pet over compromise any day ..and absolutely if wunderlust was in my blood, a pet would feel like being a caged bird with clipped wings for extra measure and I would die inside … maybe it is time to start thinking how a really amicable, conscious separation of domestic life together (with divorce) and successful co-parenting could look like. At this point anyone here who compromises becomes compromised..and doesn’t get to live their passion or truth, successfully with a partner that compliments and matches the passion.
Just going and doing it, rather than breaking up properly will be the hugest FU I dont care, you can give though, and will make separation potentially nasty…so I would talk through the next steps before
ESH. Neither of you are compromising. You are only thinking about what you want, but you are not thinking about what is in the best interest of the cat. You have not indicated a plan for the cat if you and your husband argue. Are you going to divorce him so you can have the cat? Or are you going to be neglectful and rehome in an attempt to save your marriage? Your solution to living your husband’s dream of living in an RV is to throw the cat aside and have someone else deal with it? I work in vet med, and I cannot tell you how often we see someone not properly care for their pet or for it to be rehomed simply in the name of “but I really really want it so I can feel better and it’s so cute.” That cat is a living creature that comes with major responsibility and is a privilege. Unless you are prepared to serve divorce papers right now and have a plan to start life as a single person, do not get the cat!
ESH/YTA. Pets are 100% a two yes one no situation, and he’s not an AH for not wanting another pet. He is an AH for jumping to divorce so quickly sure, but its also possible that he knows how much you want a pet and that is him trying to set a line in the sand with you in a way you’d actually listen to. It clearly didn’t work well enough however, because you are unquestionably an AH for forcing this situation and getting a cat knowing that your husband doesn’t want one.
ESH you need marriage counselling. Your problems extend beyond a cat. I’m confused as to how the topic of pets, RV, retirement has never come up before you got married and had kids.
Also pets are always 2 yes 1 no. Don’t bring a pet where it’s not welcome, that’s not fair.
NTA because while I do believe bringing a pet into a home with 2 or more people should require acceptance from everyone living there, I also think rejecting the idea deserves more of a conversation than “because I said so” which is kinda what I hear from your husband.
You guys seem to have completely different outlooks on what your future looks like so maybe you should sit down, potentially with an objective third party, and straighten that out before you bring a cat that might secretly be a grenade into your marriage.
It boils down to 1 questions so wife to be married to you husband band or do you want to own a catm? NAH, just not compatible
NTA, because him suddenly springing no animals on you rather than just no dogs when you came into the relationship with pets is a game changer.
There needs to be a compromise, you don’t want to travel all the time and he doesn’t want animals because of that. Y’all need to sit down and truly have a conversation of priorities. Because something isn’t working right now and it needs to be addressed before it festers.
When is this pursuit of dreams going to take place exactly? Because you can’t be denied this because of a future dream that may occur in 10+ years.
Also you can’t bring a cat in an RV long term as you travel around. That’s completely impractical.
Consider fostering or adopting a mature cat.
Consider arranging rehoming situations if you were to travel long term (but you said you wouldn’t want to anyway).
Neither are ahs imo, just need to discuss a more practical solution that gives you what you want but won’t limit your future experiences together… when they eventually hopefully come to fruition.
NTA. He knew you loved animals; he decided he could change that about you, or make you ignore it. And he’s ridiculous about a cat (or dog) stopping any of those things. Everyone I’ve known who hiked the AT had a dog with them. He also wants you to do something you’ve never wanted to do.
Here’s why people are wrong about it being E S H. He knew what you wanted and ignored it, assuming he could make you change.