Sorry in advance if the post is a bit of a rant. Me (28F) and my boyfriend (44M) have been together for 3 years. I moved to his country 16 months ago. Apart from him not having the house in order and at the start of our relationship, everything taking about 3-4 months before he would fix the things I asked, we were very happy. Though in arguments, he would start throwing things at me to shut me up. I knew this was not okay but still it did happen even though I told him multiple times I am not okay with it. Throwing things became throwing me on the floor. One time he threw me on the floor and pushed my head to the floor, giving me a headache for the entire day (although may be it was due to crying too). I walked to his mum’s house, crying. After this something broke inside me and he did not understand. 4 days later, he flipped again because I wanted to keep talking about the abuse, in an effort to make it stop. He threw a lamp at me and my phone. That’s when I left. I found a house for me and my dog and we moved to the other side of the island. We were still in contact and I suggested to him he’d read ‘why does he do that’. After reading the book, he COMPLETELY changed. Everything changed. The abuse, the controlling behavior. I really wanted to give him another chance. So I did. I moved back in (also because my mom came to visit and she didn’t know about this). I moved most of my stuff back, bought new houseplants and tried to make it nice for all of us. Then, I looked on his phone and found him messaging another girl about photos and ‘where the sexy ___ was at’. He sent those messages WHEN I WAS LYING NEXT TO HIM IN BED. I honestly cannot believe it. Also: I found Tinder on his phone at Christmas and he said he didn’t use it but he did have matches. Though no messages were sent. He did remove Tinder at the start of the new year. I am completely done and I want to leave but somehow I still feel sorry for him? He says he wants to change and that he did change his abusive behavior but I cannot find it in my heart to give him another chance after everything I’ve done and after I’m giving him another chance after his abuse and he thanks me by messaging another girl?! I cannot believe this. I don’t understand why I even feel guilty and I’m not sure whether to just pack up my stuff, leave and move back or whether to involve him in the situation. My mom knows about him messaging the other girl (came out when she visited) and that I have another house I can go to. She wants me to leave and to go back home. Please advise me on what to do next..
TL;DR: I (28F) think I’m finally leaving my boyfriend (44M) but it hurts so much because I do love him.
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You LEAVE AND GO BACK HOME. He is 44 years old. He will not change. If anything that book has given him a list of things to hide better about himself.
You’re doing the right thing, but you’re also grieving the end of a relationship. Let yourself grieve. That is only natural.
But never let your grief turn you back towards this situation because, and I hope you hear this loud and clear: this is a guy you need to stay well away from. He is not someone who is safe to be in a relationship with. I’ve read Why Does He Do That as well and remember: it is extremely difficult to reform someone who believes physical abuse in a relationship is OK.
Stay away from him.
He literally has shown you how violent he can be. This behavior escalates over time. You are putting yourself in danger by even putting yourself in the same room as him.
Leave him before he kills you. He is still abusive and he’s gotten better at hiding it. Don’t ever show that book to abusers because they’ll just use it to get better at manipulation.
Never expect men like this to change. Even when you hand them a book like Why Does He Do That and they’re confronted with the harm they cause others. Even in the book, the author states that it’s highly unlikely that they will change after a lifetime of abusing others to get what they want- they are cognitively incapable of believing they’ve done something wrong. They don’t experience empathy in a normal way, if at all. If you don’t meet their expectations, they view it as a violation or betrayal, thus justifying their violence to themselves. Only time in prison might force them to accept their actions, but often that’s not the case.
I’m glad you’re finally out of the cycle. Leave and never look back. This isn’t love, you’re convinced it is because you’re stuck in this situation and as a response to danger you’re fawning. It’s like Stockholm syndrome. When you truly love someone, you don’t fear them.
You don’t need Reddit’s advice. You know what you need to do.
Just get back to your home country before he kills you.
I used to be in a somewhat similar situation. It wasn’t as intensely abusive but enough so that I wasn’t okay with it. It also took me awhile to leave but the truth is that I was being manipulated and so are you. He’s likely also a narcissist. It’s very unlikely they change for the better long-term.
Save yourself the hassle now and move on. You’ll stop thinking about him or his feelings after you put some time and space between you. You don’t owe anyone anything in life and you always have to advocate and take care of yourself first. I promise you it all gets easier but you just have to do it. One foot in front of the other. You got this!
Doing the right thing is often difficult
My daughter moved to another country to be with a young man. My one comfort was making sure she knew that while I was pulling for happily ever after, if it all went to shit, she should come right on back home, and I’d help her start over. Because, whatever. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes the risks pay off. Either way, she has a safety net. So do you. Go ahead and use it so you can get started on your next adventure.
Go home.
It’s completely normal for breakups with an abuser to be especially painful – they work hard to get you hooked on the thrilling moments when they actually act like they love you, and it’s really hard to give those up. And it’s galling to think of them giving that kind of attention to someone else, when you feel like you’ve “earned” it by being so patient with their cruelty.
You have to ride it out. It won’t hurt like this forever, I promise. It’ll pass more quickly than you think.
You need to leave this guy fr unless you want to become another statistic.