I (36 F) have been together with my now husband (36 M) for a total of 4 years. He is a great man and my best friend and there’s no one like him.
My problem is that i dont know if i can grow old with someone thats cheap.
Growing up, i remember everyone around me telling me that the worst partner to end up with is a stingy partner. I have witnessed it around me and noticed that the advice makes sense: my friends who ended up with stingy partners ended up miserable.
I also grew up with a very generous big family and it became a trait that i think highly of when i see it in others.
I should have known from early on, there were some red flags, but i think i liked him way too much. I think i thought he would change?? That is, to be very honest, my fault.
Recently he threw a fit because i used his credit card to buy something that costs around 10 USD even though i would help him purchase things that cost over 100 USD. Note that he makes triple my salary.
Yesterday he bought a TV subscription for a provider i needed and never shared the details with me even though he has all my access information for Netflix, etc. I remember subscribing to YouTube premium and immediately sending him my access information unprompted.
I feel so down, I’ve been feeling that way for a while now. Everyday i feel like theres a huge weight on my shoulders. I dont know what to do. I have spoken once in the past about it, but i ended up feeling upset with myself because i dont like asking people to spend money on me, it feels like begging to me.
Someone told me everyone can change, except stingy people, and after 4 years, i think they are right.
Things to note: in almost everything in life we divide things 3:1, so, fairly. I just wish i was with someone that didnt count pennies when it came to me. Is that selfish??
My family would never say “you owe me this, i owe you this” and honestly, i wouldn’t even allow them to tell me they owe me money. And if they offered, i would never take it. But i noticed once his dad told him “oh thanks for buying me a sandwich, i owe u 3 dollars” which was crazy for me to hear, i could never have my dad give me back 3 dollars! Nor was i rasied in a household were we kept tabs on each other. But it gave me some perspective on his background… and its very different than mine.
I am now worried he will never change, and i really wish i had a generous partner.
I would love to know your advice or how you would navigate a situation like this.
TL;DR: my partner is stingy, and its my biggest disappointment. Generosity is a trait i value very highly.
Comments
My dad was a horrible cheapskate. It made me feel so guilty for existing, for accidentally causing him to spend that much money. It took me a long time living on my own to learn that grocery money is not “extra” or “wasteful.” Don’t have kids with him.
It’s because generosity isn’t just about money or someone spending on you. I looked for generosity in a partner because I value it a lot too as a character trait. I am a generous person. This means not only with money but with time, effort, emotion.
When a generous person is with a stingy person the generous person will give and the stingy person will take without reciprocating. I never wanted to have to stifle my generosity or keep score, so I knew I had to be with someone generous like me. This works beautifully because I can give in all the ways I love to my husband and I never think twice because he gives to me naturally too. We give because we love to give and it makes us happy. We never keep score and we both feel like the lucky one. Everything is shared and it’s natural for us.
For stingy people, I think they experience giving as having something taken from them, like they are losing something. They don’t get joy from giving or generosity, they experience it as unfairness. And because they are not generous they are also too comfortable taking without reciprocation, and they don’t even fully realize how much they take. It’s like how they say the people who are the worst to host in your home are the people who never host in their homes. But a good host is always a good guest! Because you know the effort it takes to host you will be appreciative and considerate.
I’ve been married a long time and I think it’s true that people change in a lot of ways but that character doesn’t change in most cases. That’s why character is so important in choosing. If you want to stay with your husband I think the only option to ensure you aren’t taken advantage of is for you to become more like him, tit for tat, keeping score. I would personally hate this, but I think otherwise you will give freely and he will take, and he will still tell you if you owe him even $1, and expect it back. He may also become stingy in other ways, like with his time, his effort. What happens if you get sick and can never work again? What happens if you break your leg and he has to do all the house work for 2 months? Stingy people are never just stingy with money IMO.
I would not be able to live like that. Character is a huge deal breaker for me. Much more important than having the same interests. Life being married between two generous people is amazing! I wish that for you.