I am finding myself feeling really hurt. Recently I found a tumour and today was the day of my biopsy. I had originally asked my boyfriend if he could come, but unfortunately, he had a conflict with work. That’s totally understandable, however it’s now been hours since the procedure and I have yet to hear from him. He has sent me Instagram reels, so he’s obviously on his phone and available to message me at the very least.
I know that I need to communicate what my needs are and I can’t expect someone to read my mind but also this kind of feels like the bare minimum, especially since I’ve been very anxious about what is going on for the past little bit. When I originally told him about the doctor finding a tumour And that I was worried about it, he was very dismissive and told me that there’s no point in worrying. He barely looked up from his phone to tell me that. I have since expressed to him how hurtful that was and how I would like him to respond to some more things in the future and at first he seemed to be willfully, obtuse and misconstruing what I was saying. I would’ve thought after all those conversations regarding this, he would be supportive in this moment.
Part of me feels worried that if this is the way he deals with these things I will forever be unsupported. But the other part of me thinks maybe I’m overreacting because I never expressed to him that I wanted him to get in contact with me after the procedure . The thing is, I even had a couple friends reach out to me expressing their well wishes and support today. Is it too much to expect at least the same support from my partner?
At the end of the day, there’s a large possibility that it’s a completely benign tumor, but there’s a non-zero chance that it is cancer and I don’t know how I will move through this with my partner if this is the kind of support I am receiving. Also, even if this is nothing, life comes with all kinds of curveballs and I’m really feeling like I can’t rely on him. Can someone help me figure out if I’m asking for too much? If so, how would you handle this situation if you were me?
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Better to find out now that he is unsupportive. Any real man would have taken the time off work to be with you. Period.
Time for a trade-in.
I would be upset too if I were you. If he can’t take off work that’s one thing, but he could at least ask how it went, how you’re feeling, etc. I guess it is possible he could have some kind of medical related trauma that makes him avoidant to it. I still think it’s rude, & would give me pause about being with him long term.
If you make a list of what you want from a partner, and he isn’t doing those things, either walk away or learn to live with it.
Personally, I feel that there’s no news until there is. I don’t drive myself crazy waiting for test results-they’ll come – then you can process things.
I would ask my partner to attend the follow-up meeting if results are positive.
Always good to have someone with you to ask questions/take notes as options are being explained.
That is practical support that might actually help- so do ask him to attend if that makes sense to you.
In the meantime, don’t review scenarios is your head-it leads to catastrophizing.
Good luck to you!
Please do not equate knowing enough to call your girlfriend following her biopsy with being expected to read your mind.
This is the barest of bare minimum expectations and anyone who would need to be told to make that call is not competent to be out in the world without a personal attendant. Presumably, your boyfriend is not intellectually disabled.
I don’t think you’re expecting too much from him. He is disregarding your anxiety about the biopsy, which is not something most partners would do. Most partners would offer words of comfort and be empathetic, without being asked to do so.
He seems like a rather cold person. Is he relatively healthy? Some people don’t understand how stressful health scares are, if they have not been in that situation before.
I would talk to him and let him know how unsupported you feel. Let him know he let you down, when you needed him most. If he blows you off, then you know he truly doesn’t care about your feelings, so why bother staying with him?
You are not even close to expecting too much and a simple TEXT is THE barest of bare minimum. If he couldn’t get off work, fine I guess, but a phone call is most certainly warranted. Especially since he’s on his phone on social media. I actually have to have a colposcopy done in May because of abnormal cells found during a pap and my husband never goes to dr appts with me for anything, not even my pregnancies etc or anything bc he is our only income and missing work is not really an option for us but he immediately said he’d make sure he’s there for this appointment. Some things are big enough to miss work for. Sounds like a good excuse to move on honestly.
I hope your tumour is benign. Sending you all the healthiest health vibes ♥️
Girl, bail out! You’re both too old to be wasting time on this “relationship “ he’s dismissive about finding a tumor and can’t find time to connect with you on the day of biopsy? Unless you just met him, no I take that back bc even a complete stranger would not be so non compassionate there’s something wrong with him not you honey I think you are expecting a reasonable amount of attention on this day
Sorry to hear what you’re going through right now, it must be very stressful for you. Wishing all the best for you. Just to play devils advocate here, is this possibly a trigger or something for him that’s caused him to bury his head in the sand and pretend like it’s not happening as a trauma response? Has he been through something similar or even lost someone close to him and he’s scared himself but trying not to show this to you as he doesn’t want you to be even more worried? Ofc it’s the bare minimum to at least check in afterwards and he should have done so, but I’m just thinking there could be a deeper reason for it perhaps. Maybe see if he will talk about it with you when you next see him. He may open up about something you didn’t know about. Either way he definitely needs to be a bit more sensitive to your situation
Have had 4 removed and you’re right, it’s likely nothing, but it’s still scary, every single time. The absolute minimum I would expect from anyone who loves me is a text before or after, even if it was something silly or stupid to make me smile or laugh.
Best case scenario, he’s scared too and is masking it to not add to your fear. Pretend it’s ok and it will be kinda thing. More likely he either is clueless or careless about what you’re going through. If that’s the case, he’s not going to be a good partner down the line, no matter how much you communicate your needs.