When I was around 16, I fell in love with one of my closest friends. Almost right from the start I knew it would be hopeless; she didn’t like me in that way at all and I knew I had no chance with her. I even confessed and got rejected as I hoped that would help me get over her. ✨It didn’t✨
The next few years (yes. years.) were spent in a vicious cycle of trying to get over my feelings and miserably failing, then dwelling in my lovesick feelings. In the end my feelings didn’t go away until I moved abroad for a year.
I thought I would be fine, I tried to start dating but quickly found that it wasn’t much fun. Right around this time almost all of my friends, including my first love, got into happy long-term relationships. Even the ones who had been completely disinterested in romance before somehow magically and suddenly had something going on.
I wish I could say I handled it like an adult, but I didn’t. Instead I dreaded every single meeting where my friends would gush over their partners, every single awkward introduction to who someone was dating and every single time I would have to sit surrounded by people with heart eyes for each other. Stewing in my own misery and withdrawing from conversation.
I also wish I could say I have gotten better, but I truly haven’t. I’m just too busy right now to think about much, and I’m already dreading the summer holidays during which the jealous feelings will surely return. I love my friends and only want the best for them. I feel so guilty for just not being able to be happy for them.