TL;DR:
I’m a 21-year-old autistic woman in a relationship with another 21-year-old woman. She’s emotionally sensitive and expressive, and I process things more logically. I’ve been trying to meet her emotional needs, but I’m struggling with the pressure and starting to lose a sense of emotional safety. I’d appreciate insight from anyone who’s navigated similar mismatches in emotional expression.
⸻
Main Situation:
My girlfriend and I have different emotional styles. I’ve always known she feels things deeply, and early on I accepted that. But lately I’ve been learning more about how autism affects my own communication and emotional expression — and I’ve realized I struggle to show empathy or sympathy in ways that are traditionally expected. I care deeply, but I don’t always express it in a way that lands well.
She tends to take feedback personally or interpret it emotionally. So over time, I’ve stopped giving input — not because I don’t care, but because it often results in her feeling hurt or overwhelmed. That silence is starting to affect me too. I don’t feel like I can be fully honest without it creating tension.
We’ve tried to work on it. For example, we agreed to give each other 5 minutes of sympathy before problem-solving. Recently, she texted during my class feeling low. I responded with support, reminding her it’s okay to feel sad and that maybe others were just masking their sadness too. I also mentioned her period might be amplifying her emotions. She told me that wasn’t what she needed — that it was deeper and about not having money or stability.
That hit me hard, because I’ve offered her short-term work opportunities (including one she turned down because I wouldn’t be there), and she still technically has a job she’s hesitant to return to without me. I understand emotional complexity, but it’s tough to see her struggle with money and also avoid available options. I don’t say this to criticize her — it’s just difficult for me to sit with.
Personally, when I’m upset, I want someone to help reframe my thoughts — to find logic or grounding. So that’s what I naturally offer. But she prefers pure emotional validation in the moment. I’m trying to learn and adjust to that, but when I make a mistake, it often feels like I’m being scolded instead of recognized for trying.
She tells me she wants the “real me,” but when I do show up as myself — direct and practical — I’m told I’m being too blunt or cold. I’ve developed anxiety around saying the “wrong thing.” I’ve also stopped expressing when I’m stressed, because it tends to make her feel guilty or responsible, even when that’s not the case.
I’m putting in a lot of effort to understand her, support her, and adapt how I communicate. But I don’t feel like that effort is being seen. I’m starting to feel like I can’t have my own emotional responses without it being a problem in the relationship.
Just to add, i also feel as though maybe she’s depending too much on me for her emotions and her current states of minds. It scares me #1 but #2 it’s so damaging for me. What do you guys think?
⸻
What I’m Looking For:
If you’ve experienced emotional mismatches in a relationship — especially if you’re autistic or partnered with someone who is — how did you navigate it? I’m specifically looking for advice or insight on how to keep showing up with empathy without feeling like I have to suppress who I am. How can I support someone more emotionally expressive without losing emotional space for myself?