My friend met my (now current, but not at the time) boyfriend on tinder and went on one date two weeks prior to me meeting him. I didn’t know a lot of details about him at the time, just that she was really excited about the date and some general characteristics. He didn’t vibe with her, and didn’t really know the best way to end things and told her that he needed to figure things out before he continues to date. Which I guess was a bit of a white lie- he met me two weeks later and we clicked and got along super well. I don’t think either of us were looking for a serious relationship at the time but we just ended up wanting to keep seeing each other. After the 3rd or 4th date I realize some details lining up about my friend telling me about her date with him and I realize that he’s the same person she went on a date with two weeks prior. I immediately go and tell her that I had gone on a few dates with him, and that I hope it was ok that I date him. I thought she was also going to be fine with it, which is why I told her but it turns out she wasn’t and she explicitly set a boundary that I don’t continue to date him because he really hurt her feelings with the way he ended things. I’ve read the texts, and I understand where she’s coming from but I don’t think it was that severe – but rejection does hurt sometimes. Where my dilemma comes in is that I continued to date him, but I’ve just been keeping it a secret from her, which isn’t super hard because we’re not that incredibly close and I’m generally a pretty private person about a lot of aspects in my life. It’s about 6 months into my relationship with him, and it’s starting to make me really anxious and I feel like a shitty person for keeping this from her, but I truly don’t agree that the boundary she set was fair. She only went on one date with him! But I do value her a lot as a friend and in my current stage in life it is so hard to find good people like her. I know the logical thing to do is to come clean and tell her but I am afraid of the repercussions and don’t know if there is a good way to have this conversation with her.
I’m aware that this situation could have been avoided from the jump and that I probably should have stopped going on dates with my bf at the time the boundary was set but he is truly a wonderful person and I was healing from an old previous bad relationship and I have never clicked with someone like this before. I definitely did this to myself – I’m extremely non confrontational and it’s something I am trying to work on myself + through therapy.
TLDR: I want both my current bf and my friend in my life, but my friend went on one date with my bf two weeks before I met him and the way it ended hurt her feelings and she set a boundary that I should not continue dating him when I found out.
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A boundary is something she sets for HERSELF. For example, she might tell you, “I will not spend time around your boyfriend, so if he shows up then I will go home.”
What she’s trying to do is control you, and that’s not cool. She is only in charge of her own actions and decisions, not YOURS. She doesn’t get to demand that you stop dating your boyfriend! However, she can choose not to date him herself, or not to be around him, or she can choose to not stay friends with you if you stay together with your boyfriend.
Your friend is waaaayy overstepping things. Like you said, they went on one date. She was hurt by the way he “ended things” but there wasn’t anything to end. Nothing ever started! Repeat, one date. You’re right, it’s no fun to be rejected, and he could have been more honest, but she seems to have this idea that they were headed for a relationship. They weren’t. Your friend needs to grow up, get over it, and move on. She has zero right or logical reason to forbid you to see him. Don’t bend to her immaturity.
Is he the only guy in town? lol
Your friend sounds nuts. Look I know it sucks but rejection happens; it was ONE date. I get it if she feels awkward around him but she cannot dictate who you date. That’s not a boundary.
>> he really hurt her feelings with the way he ended things. I’ve read the texts, and I understand where she’s coming from but I don’t think it was that severe
I think she’s overstepping but I’m curious what his texts said?
You are looking at this all wrong in that you are agreeing that she is justified in her insistence that you don’t date him because of the way he ‘ended’ things.
Things never even got started. They went on ONE DATE. That’s not a relationship.
He let her down easy. I don’t understand what she’s so upset about. Just don’t bring them around each other if possible.
that’s a huge ask from someone who isn’t even a close friend. they went on ONE date, she barely knows the guy. neither of you owe her anything.
She can’t tell you not to date him. You can’t force her to be your friend.
Tell her the truth and accept that this may be friendship that needs to end.
She’s not a friend for being this petty. One date. Not a long term relationship and they broke up. You met him and you two really clicked. So much you’re going strong 6 most later.
You already said you’re not super close. I would push back and tell her you’re not breaking up with a great guy because she had 1 date and got rejected. She needs to grow up. And if she can’t deal, she’s not a friend. A real friend would be happy for you.