i’m just venting and mourning what could’ve been i guess. this pretty long so i appreciate anyone who reads it all the way 🤍 idk if this belongs in this sub but some parts do relate directly to being a girl so i hope it counts!
info to know: my parents had me young so thats why i was an only child for so long. my sisters are my half-sisters from my dads side. i am my moms only child to this day. i’m 22 now, my sisters are 4 and 6.5.
basically idk how to feel. im happy for my sisters but jealous at the same time. they get a high-income, two-parent household, while i was raised by my (single at the time) dad living in my grandmas house till i was 14. i even shared a bed with her till i was 9. the little things bother me too. i call my grandma “mami” (mom in spanish) bc i grew up listening to my dad and tia call her that. they call her “mama maria” (fake name) which is more appropriate for a grandmother. the girls have noticed this and even asked why i call my grandma mami. i even noticed in this post i say “my” dad bc im so used to him only being my dad.
they also get a much more relaxed version of my dad. MUCH more relaxed. i used to get spanked for putting on nail polish at like 8-10 yrs old and i was grounded because i started shaving at 12. but my sisters? they’re playing with makeup at age 2+. i feel like i was just a learning experience. because of my dad’s and i’s relationship, honestly at times i feel like they’re just pretending they’re the perfect family without me. they take vacations without me ALL the time. my dad wasn’t even the one to take me to our home country when i was a kid, it was my grandma. he never once took me to visit as a vacation. but he takes the girls once a year and never even mentions the trip to me.
and i never even lived w my sisters. 3 months after the oldest of the two was born, i moved with my mom. then i got my own place at 18 for college. i’m glad they have each other but what about me? and i don’t like kids so im not rly going to be close with them for a long time. i do spend time with them when i visit, but that isn’t often due to my complicated relationship with my dad.
also, apparently being a 15 and almost 18 when my sisters were born did NOT make me immune from eldest-daughter-parentification. i dont visit often but when i do, my dad asks me to bathe the girls or brush their teeth or make them food. i say no every time. if my sisters want to spend time with me by making them food, bathing them etc, then i will gladly do so, if THEY ask me. but even then im forcing myself too. the girls are innocent in this so i never treat them badly, i go all out for them actually. i just don’t know how to process my feelings. i’m so happy for them. i would not want them to be an only child, living to broke college kids who have no idea what they’re doing. i just wish i didn’t either. i wish we could’ve grown up together the three of us and i have what they have now. we even have 2 girl cousins that are closer to their age (10.5 and 6.5). i was and still am alone. i wish we could’ve been girls together 💔
note: i don’t blame my parents for not giving me siblings earlier, it was very smart of them not to. they shouldn’t have even had me at their age. i also understand that as a single hispanic dad, he was trying his best while now my sisters have a mom in the house to explain what girls go thru to him. he also had me as practice. it’s just very complex being so understanding of these things yet still feeling how i do.
Comments
I’m sorry you were forced to grow up so fast.
I had my son young and about to have my second…. They will be 13 years apart.
My kids are my kids. I want to treat them like “solo” kids. I never want my older kid to feel like he’s responsible for parenting his little brother.
What your family did is not okay. I’m not sure how someone would heal from that.
I read every part of your post. I hope my son never feels the way you did. I wish you were able to all live together and have a proper family unit.
Your family treated you as an outcast which is not okay.
I think you sound very self-aware and like you have a high level of emotional intelligence.
There is no need for you to have any guilt about the totally normal feelings you’ve shared here. We are only as sick as our secrets, so being able to talk about the jealousy as well as the joy that your changing family structure can bring is so important! You might consider whether it would be helpful to talk to a counselor or professional about some of these issues if you’re finding it hard to name them and tame them.
I’m really proud of you, too, for sticking to your boundaries around the role of parent versus sister. That certainly isn’t easy! You are within your rights to bring up to your dad that you feel hurt and left out of family vacations, though of course he may not respond to this with the care and tact that the issue deserves and could be defensive about it if he feels ‘called out’ or judged for his parenting.
At the risk of sounding a little bit trite, even siblings who are born to the same two parents and close together in time do not get the same ‘version’ of their parents and their family. Even twins can sometimes have really different experiences of what most people would consider to be a shared childhood! It’s just one of those hard-to-swallow pills about life and family.
Love to you and the beautiful life you are deliberately creating for your wise self ❤️❤️