I found out a few weeks ago that I will become a dad! My wife and I have been trying for about a year now, had a few miscarriages along the way so we are super happy for this. I am a step father to her 11 year old so I kind of know how to be a parent, but what I am really after is advice about newborns. I am feeling really scared and nervous since this is all new to me.
Thank you!
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Congratulations. You are already a dad. You started being a dad the moment you decided you were going to do it.
Get a copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and devour it.
Don’t let the first week freak you out. It gets easier fast. Before you know it, they’ll be sleeping through the night, then holding their own bottle and then someday they’re gonna wipe their own butt. It’s hard sometimes but it’s the most important thing you’re ever gonna do.
Enjoy it. Even when it seems hard.
Congrats! Take this time to get the nursery together, research some strollers, carriers, car seats, and pack your hospital bags. Also, make sure you allow yourself time to sleep and eat well, and be at your best health before you lose all your free time. For what it’s worth, I love the newborn stage, and feel it’s much easier than toddler. Their needs are much simpler; milk / diaper / naps. I’d also consider a bedside bassinet for the first few months before going right to crib. Don’t stress, you’ve got this!
Your best is enough. And your best isn’t always being 100%, but giving what you have available to give.
I’m in the same exact boat. The key is prioritizing your time. I spend as much time with my son as I possibly can. I support my stepdaughter, help her with her homework, buy her cool shit, have a separate friendship with her. Make up fun songs for your baby. Take lots of pictures. Do things that cause laughter. Figure out how to let your wife recharge her batteries. Start saving money for the kids, even if it’s $10 per pay. Tell the baby you love him/her every single day. Make up a cool handshake with your step kid, and tell her/him how proud you are. Buy the whole team cool tshirts. Have a show you all watch together with popcorn. Protect them with your life. Thank God for them every day. You are about to unlock a part of yourself that can’t be unlocked otherwise; use it to be the greatest father you can possibly be. And say goodbye to sleep, which is totally worth it. Congrats, friend.
I don’t have any good advice honestly. But I wanted to share my experience in hopes it gives you a more of an understanding. Many nights I was beyond tired and wanted to pull my hair out. My wife did an amazing job picking up any slack at home, it should be known. But as my son began to learn and grow, it got easier and more enjoyable. Watching him learn and grow naturally became my highlights of the year. Buy your wife flowers to say thank you as you pick up dinner. Be sure to go to appointments and spend as much time with the youngin as possible, because you will blink and your child will have grown. You don’t get that time back.
Keep going and it’ll get easier and more enjoyable but remember to always show love, to the mother of your child and to your child. Once the child is here, it’s no longer about you.
Between now and the birth is the last time that it will be just you and your spouse, so do some nice things together, like trips or concerts, because doing those gets rarer very soon
It’s basic maintenance but without sleep. Diaper changes, feeding, nap time. I hope your baby sleeps at night unlike my son who woke up a couple times (usually 2-4) for 2 years. I just dropped him off at college for an overnight visit with his future lacrosse team. I always ignored old people saying it goes by fast but damn it’s true. Caring enough to ask this question shows you’ll be fine.
Hold the baby against your bare chest. Bonding is amazing. Ask your wife to pump so you can feed the baby, too (of course only when the baby is ready). Get up and get the baby for your wife if the baby isn’t in the same room. God, I miss those days. Just be with both your wife and baby as much as you can.
Your wife is going to swing between being over the moon in love and tired/crabby as she ever has been.
Middle of the night nursing/pumping will do that.
It is an incredible feeling to hold your child though and when they grab your finger or smile at you it will melt your heart.
Don’t plan on having excess money, free time or be on time for anything for a while though.
Sleeping is hit or miss. I’m 41M with a recently turned 1 and 6 year old sons. Both boys are great sleepers except when they are sick (which hasn’t been too often). Unfortunately sometimes my wife and I are also sick so that compounds the problem.
Being that we are older parents we were fairly financially stable and emotionally mature but it still can be hard. Hopefully you are in a good spot in both accounts.
Feel free to ask any specific questions.
Congrats! I have a 4 month old at home, first child. Not gonna lie, the first month was awful, like a shock to the system. I was thrilled to have my child in my life but it was very stressful and I found myself wanting to be out of the house as much as possible. However, it was just temporary. It felt like boot camp and we came out of it stronger and better prepared. We went to some classes but I didn’t read any of the books, it was still fine.
Fast forward to today, I love every second I’m with my family. I went from longing for my old life to dreading being asked to do stuff that would take me away from them. Even when my son gets fussy and parenting seems really challenging, it’s nothing compared to that first month. Maybe it’s easier to manage the stress, maybe I’m just better at being a parent, probably a combination of a lot of things.
Weather the storm and you will love being a parent!
Read the books. Ina May has several. Research “doula” and “birth plan.” Go to the baby classes. It’s ok to not know anything. I’m a dude. I like babies. Loved when my kid was a baby. Baby care is like any other skill, learn then practice. Good luck and congrats!
Trade off with your partner with child care, chores, sleep, and personal time. You’ll need to schedule it.
Get the kid on an OCD level of a sleep schedule with a sleep routine you don’t deviate from. Your sanity will thank you.
Blackout curtains.
Noise machine.
Swaddle sacks with snaps, not Velcro! Velcro makes noise, you will understand soon.
Children’s books, lots of them. Sandra Boynton is a good start and grow your library from there. Ross/Marshalls/other discount stores will have all of that cheap. Read to your child to put them to sleep. They learn the rhythm, inflections, all kinds of things before they even understand words. It will give them a leg up in life. And you have some entertainment while you wait for them to go to sleep.
Costco yellow microfiber rags. Excellent clean up, burp cloth, whatever. You don’t need pretty little expensive baby burn cloths, you need effective, affordable, and at volume.
Start a savings account, a broker account, and an IRA as soon as your kid has a social security number. Start small now, and it will pay big later.
You are going to be tired, sore, beat, stressed, impatient, burnt out. Remember to step back and take a breath. They are only tiny for a short time, don’t miss it.
My qualifications: We have 5 kids, I was a stay at home dad for 15 years. Currently my kids are 18, 12, 9, 8 and 4 and I’m 47 my SO is 45 ( I think).
The days are long, but the years are short. One day you have an infant and you wake up with a toddler, you go to bed with a toddler and wake up with a kid, you go to bed with a kid and wake up to a teen, you go to bed with a teen and wake up to an empty house.
My rule of thumb was it’s better to have happy kids than a clean house. Buy cheap shit you can replace until they are grown enough to clean it themselves. Cuss in front of your kids so they will learn when it’s appropriate and when it’s not. There’s nothing worse than hearing your kid drop a “mother fucker” or “oh God Dammit” at Christmas dinner with Grandma. Kids that hear cussing pick up on the when and how, kids that don’t end up with embarrassed parents. It’s also good for emotional intelligence, language, and learning how to express complex feelings and emotions. There are numerous studies on the subject, definitely an interesting rabbit hole to fall down.
As a 38 year old with a 2 year old, the absolute best advice I can give is support your wife 150%. Your hobbies should be put on the back burner, and your child should be your primary focus. I know it sounds obvious, but look at all the baby subs here with wives complaining about their husbands who just work and then play video games all night. Don’t be that guy. Treat your wife like a goddess as childbirth is a process that I cannot even comprehend as a man, and make sure to make time for the two of you to continue to bond and keep your relationship healthy. Raising a baby is a huge strain on any marriage, so it’s important to make sure you nurture your relationship.
Realize that your sleep will suffer badly for at least 3 months or more. The key to managing newborn sleep is sleeping in shifts with your wife so you both can get some uninterrupted sleep. For example, I manned the baby from 10pm-2am, and my wife manned the baby from 2am-6am. Let each other take long naps on the weekend. This helped the sleep situation immensely. Our baby really didn’t sleep well at all until 4 months, and she still has occasional regressions even today.
Finally, congrats 🙂 as a couple who also suffered multiple miscarriages, my thoughts are with you guys. DM if you need anything.
Buy what to expect in the first year, I found it more informative than when you are expecting. That’s geared more towards being pregnant not the baby.
Be present and aware of your partner’s needs. Everything else will fall into place.
Read “What to expect when you are expecting”.
Also, always say the book title to the tune of “What do you do with a drunken sailor”. Sorry it is now ruined. But it is a good book.
Please please step in to give her a break when possible. Postpartum depression is REAL and she will burn herself out before your eyes and may hide it due to possibly feeling guilt. Get a family member help babysit to allow for you to take her on dates.
Wish I had done that with my wife and first child.
You will never be ready! No amount of money or stress or whatever can prepare you for a baby. Your baby. New kinda love new kinda tired. I can tell you a few things. The 11 year old needs to feel apart of and acknowledged in this process.
Also more importantly mom needs to know without a shadow of a doubt you are there for her. The hormone roller coaster of creating and having a baby if fucking wild. Remember she is not crazy even when she is acting like it.
I would read up on postpartum and the effects that happen. It’s so very important that you don’t internalize this or make it about you or your feelings don’t give me wrong you matter but taking care of mom and making sure that you’re there for her no matter what through this process is so incredibly valuable and important.
Babies are legit. That’s why I have a bunch of them.