Family Background
I am distant from my siblings. Most of them are half-siblings 10+ years older. I’m the youngest with one full sister three years older. I’m the least distant with her. Our common mother was mentally ill. My father horribly abused my half-siblings and mistreated my sister and me.
We’re a fractured bunch. Nobody is the villain in their own story.
Two decades ago my wife and I moved from California to the east coast. We are thriving. This was the best decision we have ever made. We started a family. Our kids are in college. We’re retiring early. None of this would have been possible had we stayed. I don’t miss California or my family.
My Distance
My sister occasionally reaches out and tries to arrange vacations with our families. I don’t want to make the effort. I make excuses because an honest refusal would cause conflict that wouldn’t benefit anybody.
I’ll summarize what would be paragraphs explaining why I am distant. Several incidents over the decades (before and after moving) involving my sister left me feeling betrayed, unsupported, disappointed, and unloved. I sat down and wrote them out long ago. I accepted that these things happened. I “got over it” by making my own independent life far away. I’m not angry. I don’t hate them. I don’t like them either. I’m distant and relieved.
I care enough about them to not want any bad feelings between us. I want to keep my negative opinions of them to myself. I don’t want them to feel rejected, judged, or anything negative. I don’t want to reconcile all our bad behavior. I don’t need us to forgive each other. I don’t need to be heard and understood. etc.
I enjoy peace made possible by the distance.
The Issue Today
My sister recently asked my wife and me about holiday plans and she wants us to attend her son’s wedding coming up in five months. I have never met the bride. I have briefly seen her son (the groom) maybe five times in the last 20 years. He wouldn’t miss me.
I made an excuse to get out of the holiday plans but I’m still stuck with the wedding invitation.
My dilemma – I can either:
- Decline the invitation and inevitably discuss why. I don’t expect her to be understanding for the same reasons that I am distant. I predict that I will be accused of not getting over something that happened so long ago while ignoring the truth about “my moving on by moving away.”
- Attend the wedding to avoid the conflict. Spend time and money that I would rather spend elsewhere – and accept that as the cost of keeping the peace.
I feel stuck doing the latter because I don’t want these people thinking I hate them and I’m judging them – which would spin up the drama and angst I left behind.
The truth is that “I want to nothing them.” I wish I could politely decline and send a gift from the registry with my congratulations.
TL;DR; : Long ago I moved far away from my dysfunctional family for my own peace.
I have been invited back for a wedding and am stuck between
(1) declining with conflict-causing honesty, or
(2) spending the time/money to maintain the peace.
Comments
You can absolutely politely decline and send a gift from the registry with your congratulations, so do that.