Hey guys, this is my first time posting here and I just need to vent and hopefully get some advice. I (24M) live with my brother (20M), and I feel like we’ve always been really close but now I’m starting to question. About a month ago he broke up with his gf, but now he’s out of town probably 5 days a week to hang out with a new girl (family is also in that area but he hardly sees them). And when he is home, he mostly plays games with friends online.
I’m struggling to not be bothered by this because we decided to live together under the assumption that we would support each other and have fun living together. He also got two cats back when we moved in, whom I now primarily take care of.
I know I should make more of an effort to make new friends and get out more, but I’m floundering because up until now my brother has been my best friend. And we’ve been each other’s support network.
Now here’s the problem. He comes home and he’s friendly and acts like everything is just fine. I can’t feel the same way. I feel like on the surface he’s kind and caring, but deep down he’s taking me for granted. (He can be selfish this way, and there are other things he’s done that’s make the whole family see it too.) I’ve gotten a lifestyle down at home that works for me, so now when he’s back it throws me off. I’ll feel like I’m in limbo. I feel like I bend over backwards to hangout with him the few hours of the week he’s free, cause I love hanging out with him, but then he’ll drop off the radar for days or several weeks and it feels like I’m pretty expendable.
I don’t want to be cold to him when he comes back but I can’t help it. I feel like this new girl he’s seeing has taken my place as his closest buddy, and now I’m completely sidelined. I dont want to be a petty jerk about this to his face and push him away, but I also don’t want to bottle up how I actually feel.
I know he’s not responsible for my wellbeing, but I’m generally a family oriented person so going out and spending my nights with strangers or acquaintances to cope with this loneliness feels wrong. I’ve told him how I feel but it hasn’t changed anything.
Am I just a petty depressed loser or are my feelings adding up? Can I do anything to overcome this without badly damaging my relationship with him?
TL;DR My brother / roommate is away all the time for a girl and it’s damaging our friendship
Comments
> I dont want to be a petty jerk about this to his face and push him away, but I also don’t want to bottle up how I actually feel.
There’s a middle ground here, and it’s called talking to him, and having a calm conversation.
>About a month ago he broke up with his gf, but now he’s out of town probably 5 days a week to hang out with a new girl
So to me it reads like it was a breakup, he’s now in a rebound relationship and he’s escaping into gaming as well. Probably he can’t really deal with however he is feeling and sometimes you’ll ahve friends distance themselves for a variety of reasons and that’s adult life.
I know that might seem a little facile but I just worry you are idealising both being a brother and a friend, assuming an intensity that many adults just can’t hope to maintain. I mean, like one day you may both be parents and move away from each other and etc and that’s part of life. You can still be close but you’ll have you own lives.
>I know he’s not responsible for my wellbeing, but I’m generally a family oriented person so going out and spending my nights with strangers or acquaintances to cope with this loneliness feels wrong.
Well, probably worth addressing this framing. Friends and relationships aren’t ‘strangers’ or mere ‘acquaintances’ or whatever. And yes, it may take time to build up to the same intensity but you want as wide a support network as family. Maybe none will ever come above your brother but that doesn’t mean it is weird to lean on other people.