I’m a manipulative psychopath. I feel disconnected from others

I lie more than I tell the truth. It’s not a habit anymore—it’s just how I function.

I’ve lied about my childhood. About where I’ve been. About who I am. I tell stories that aren’t mine. I shift pieces of myself depending on who I’m talking to. I know what people want to hear, and I give it to them, no matter how far it is from the truth.

And the thing is: no one ever notices.

I’ve had friends. They think they know me. They don’t. Not really. I keep just enough distance. I listen more than I speak. I say the right things at the right time. They think I’m thoughtful, private, maybe a little mysterious. What they don’t realize is that they’ve only ever met the version of me I want them to see.

There’s something missing in me—I’ve known that for a long time.
I don’t get emotionally attached the way others seem to. I don’t miss people. I don’t get excited when they call or text. I’ve watched friends cry and felt… nothing. Not cruelty. Not indifference. Just a blank, quiet space where something should be.

But here’s the part that messes with me the most:

I still want to fall in love.

Not a game. Not an act. Not control. Real, gut-deep, terrifying, beautiful love.
I want to know what it feels like to need someone and not be faking it. I want someone to look at me—not the version I show, but the actual me—and still want to stay.
I want to feel the kind of connection people write songs about and not feel like I’m studying it from the outside.

Sometimes I think I’m incapable of it.
Other times, I wonder if I’ve just been playing this character for so long I forgot how to be real.

There are days where I spiral into a kind of quiet sadness—where I feel like I’m watching my life happen from the corner of the room. Like I’m waiting for something to wake me up or pull me in.

But most days, I just keep going. Smiling. Nodding. Telling lies that sound true.
People say I’m funny. Charming. Self-aware.
They have no idea who they’re talking to.

I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve never let anyone close enough to try.
But if someone ever broke through this… I don’t know what would happen.