My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) shared a bottle of wine tonight and had an interesting conversation. We have been together 1 year and 8 months. I waited 3 years to hop into a relationship after my divorce so this was a very thought-out decision when we got together. I wanted to make sure I was truly in love.
Tonight after 2 glasses of wine, I’m not sure how the conversation started, but ultimately he ended up saying that if something happened to my looks (I got significantly fatter or skinnier, or I burned my face off in a fire dramatic ik) and he didn’t find it attractive he would leave me. I told him that for me, I love him beyond looks and that doesn’t really make sense to me because if something happened to him that caused him to “lose his looks” it wouldn’t matter because physical attraction is less than 50% of the reasons I love him. He told me that was really sweet but he simply doesn’t feel the same. That it’s not personal, he just feels like looks/physical attraction play a much larger part in a relationship. He says I live in a fairytale to think most people don’t agree with him.
I said it would be understandable if you had been dating a few months but almost two years is crazy. He said “are you kidding me, you can break up with someone over a bad haircut 2 months in”
TLDR: In short he said if you’ve been together longer than you have left to live (ie: you’ve been together 30 years but you only have 20 left) then you might as well stay with them even if the physical attraction dwindles. & since we’ve been together not that long he’d leave me over a drastic change in looks.
I realize we were a couple glasses deep and this may have been a silly conversation but I felt pretty hurt.
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Does he have any other weird behavior? I feel like it’s a sign that he’ll hold that same mindset when he’s sober as well. I’ve heard so many stories were men start to hate their wives or simply because unattractive after pregnancy or health issues (not fully assuming you’d have kids but as an example), and it’s always something I hope I never encounter. If he has this mindset, how would you see you if you ever had a child and had a post partum belly? What if, god forbid, you ever had a health issue that caused you to lose or gain weight or lose hair? What if you have future thyroid issues or menopause, or anything that could be simply caused by female hormones? These are questions you kinda have to think about if long term is your goal, just so you’re not making a post three years from now titled “my husband says I’m no longer attractive after (physical change). What do I do?”
Wow, well I guess you just have to decide if you want to stay with him until you’re both less good looking and just hope that he matures in that timeframe
Oh i’d be so mad and hurt.
You’re not crazy OP. I’d restart the conversation sober. Tell him that it hurt to hear that. Go from there. You deserve a love that doesnt leave you when you age or if something awful would happen to you
This is him telling you that his “love” for you is extremely superficial. He straight up said he’d leave you if you got into an accident or had a disease or disability that made you less physically pretty.
That’s just NOT real love.
Of course you were hurt, he literally let you know that ultimately all he cares about is what’s going to make his lizard brain dick happy. I would’ve been hurt too! No matter what happens this will always be in the back of your mind.
At least he told you now and not after the terrible fire.
This sounds like a warning and also like it would have more general application because there isn’t any empathy in what he’s said, it’s all about him – his attraction, not the pain of a partner who is dealing with pain and disfigurement, nor concern because common reasons why a person might gain or lose a significant amount of weight are serious medical issues e.g. cancer, depression etc.. I’d wager illness or disability would also be unattractive to him particularly if you needed to rely on him more.
Drunk bf is a shallow bf; maybe always was
The fact he’s this superficial is crazy. How you can just dump someone’s feelings because they suddenly “lose their looks” is beyond me. He just sounds like an awful person tbh. A proper man would stick by and make you feel the world is safe if you ever got burnt or got a disease rather than leave you and leave you to crumble. You should leave his ass and find someone who loves you for you and not for your looks
It’s not a silly conversation. I’d take that dead serious, people tend to get a loose tongue when drinking speaking the truth.
He’s a shallow superficial boy and doesn’t know yet what love truly is and capable of. I don’t think he loves YOU.
Sorry.
He is basically telling you what will happen in the future, because your looks will change at one point or another, for whatever reason, but mostly just for being human. He showed you his true colors and now you know an imporant bit of information about his character that should help you decide what to do next. He is not in this with you for better/worse, sickness/health, that is for sure. And you yourself would be. You are not equal partners, not equally invested and likely incompatible on several levels. He basically told you: you cannot trust me to stay if anything happens to you, because your looks are the most important thing to me.
He’s not wrong. If you are not attracted to your partner anymore after some years, a whole bunch of issues arise: little to no intimacy, irritation, low tolerance during arguments, infidelity, etc. If you’re not attracted to your partnerz there’s not much of a point beyond doing it for the kids. This “you should love me however” mindset, especially women have, is pretty fucked up. Of course I am referring to weight loss/gain, stupid hair cuts, piercings, tattoos, etc. Basically things you have control over.
In the same way many women will leave their partner if they lose their high paying job and fail to get a decent paying job after; many men will leave their partners if they no longer find them physically attractive.