When it comes to other people,, potential romantic partners mainly, but friends as well.
What changed, did it stick, how did it turn out?
How were you able to lower your standards?
r/AskWomen
When it comes to other people,, potential romantic partners mainly, but friends as well.
What changed, did it stick, how did it turn out?
Comments
I actually upped mine quite heavily after a disaster of a relationship and that’s how I found my husband. How you see yourself is how others see you. If you’re looking for something below your station, they’ll believe you’re below theirs.
My standards were terrible. I have higher ones now.
Why would anyone do that? Mine are higher than ever. Live and learn and you get LOTS pickier!
Unless your standards are hypocritical, I don’t think you should lower your standards. Everyone deserves to be treated right by the people in your life, as long as you put in that same effort
Young and dumb. I don’t recommend it.
I didn’t. My standards were reasonable and didn’t involve any arbitrary things like height requirements.
Treats me well.
Has similar morals and goals
Good personal hygiene.
Financially stable.
I enjoy spending time with him.
The picker I am about the people I keep in my life, the better my life gets. High standards are important no matter what you look like, or who you are, you gotta value yourself.
(to be clear, the trick is to be extremely loose about superficial stuff and extremely picky about things like personality.)
When I tried to be a cool girl who was chill with whatever, I ended up in relationships with people who quickly became even more intolerable. Deciding that I was only going to date again if the other person was both head-over-heels in love with me and also emotionally and financially stable? That attitude eventually found me my wife.
They only get higher.
I didn’t lower my standards, I did however review ones that I had not considered before but should have. My previous standards were pretty superficial when it came to romantic interests – college educated, passionate about their work, can cook, we can talk well – but I didn’t consider a lot about personality when I should have. Now those superficial traits are still important to me but they’re more of a “second round” thing than a first round – first round is how you communicate, how you treat me, how you treat others, and how your humour is.
When it came to friends my only standards were that we get along well, they’re kind and we have similar humour but I’ve been pretty good at reading people and can tell whether we’ll be friends or not even if they have all these traits, simply because of other reasons. If that’s the case, that’s fine, I don’t need them as a friend or I don’t mind having them in my life but we won’t be that close.
Do you think men ask each other this kind of bullshit?
Don’t lower your standards. Increase your self respect.
I didn’t. I raised them! However, you have to examine if your standards are realistic and attainable or a trauma response that blocks all your blessings. Therapy helped me with this. I also wrote two lists. One was for how I wanted to feel in a relationship ( accepted, heard, cherished, respected, a priority etc) and the second was traits I needed ( kind, good communicator, compatible sense of humor, values, goals, stages of life, good with money, stable job, friends, hobbies, introspective, etc).
I forgot to answer how it has turned out. I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who has fulfilled my lists and then some. We’re not perfect but this is truly the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. We laugh until we cry, we can talk about anything and the passion is there. Life is better with him in it and he adds to my peace and quality of life.
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That depends, do you mean lower them in the sense of “I’m okay with a guy who makes less than six figures” or lower them in the sense of “I’m okay with a guy who doesn’t call me for days at a time and never remembers my birthday”?
My standards only got higher as I got older. I had a better idea of what I wanted and didn’t want. I also had a much better understanding of my worth. I wasn’t going to settle for someone who was just good enough. And I’m glad I didn’t!
Same goes for friendships. I keep my circle small. It’s quality over quantity. Only people who are right for my life are kept close to me.
I didn’t that’s why I’m still single. I’m never lowering my standards again
I didn’t.
Never lower your standards. Being with someone (romantic or friendship) maybe seem more appealing than being alone, but I assure you that having no one is better than being surrounded by terrible people. I tried to be very open and accepting of whoever came my way. I ended up getting screwed over majorly. I won’t be doing that again, no thanks.
Okay this is nuanced. I did not lower my standards, I increased them on the things that were most important to me and rendered some other things mostly irrelevant.
Example: I had always dated a range of hot guys with different educational backgrounds. But I finally gave myself permission to say that wanting someone highly educated was a dealbreaker for me. I thought about all of my friends and just people I tend to get along with in general and they all fit this, so why wouldn’t I expect to that in my life partner. So, I held this standard very firmly going forward when dating along with a much higher standard for how they treated me and showed commitment.
At the same time, I started to notice that men who I previously thought were hot were suddenly unattractive to me -mostly because of their behavior. I could just sense their arrogance and they gave off player vibes. No thanks! I realized that when a guy was educated and a good guy I was more flexible with my physical attraction than I thought previously especially in person after conversation! So it changed the way I dated focused on my very high standards for education and how they treated me and attraction IRL given that that was higher priority. In the end, I met a guy I’m wildly attracted to who is my intellectual partner and treats me like his prize.
Hope this makes sense. Keep fighting for what you want and what’s most important to you!
I didn’t. I married the one person I can see myself always being happy with and we made two others. I’m rich in the opposite way from how I grew up and it’s so much better.
I never have and never will.
I didn’t and wouldn’t. I choose better people to associate with.
When it comes to partners I’d rather be single.
After every relationship they just get higher…
Uh….I left my marriage because I was tired of lowering the bar in hopes my needs would get met. Never. Again.
If a man doesn’t want to meet me on my level (and me at his) it’s a no bueno situation.
i didn’t 😉✌️
I haven’t been able to lower them, only to increase them. I changed.
no, in fact whenever i get into a new relationship my standards end up being way higher then they were before!
I didn’t. I learned from past experiences which helped me recognize red flags and prioritize my self-respect and I raised my standards as a result. I don’t think lowering standards is a good idea unless one has unrealistic and unfairly high standards to begin with.
Lowering your standards puts you at risk so I try and be careful to not lower mine cause the few times I did I ended up dating genuinely HORRIBLE people.
The only standards I’d say are OK to lower are unrealistic or body image standards as those can be unhealthy if to high or low. Finding a healthy balance with these standards is hard. Personally I needed therapy. I’ve seen a few people use online therapy lessons without pay to help too.
Example of a healthy standard:
Example of unhealthy:
Lower? I’m still rereading the question.
Sometimes what seems like lowering your standards is just changing your priorities and learning what’s actually important and what’s not. For example, realizing you don’t have to be with the hottest guy and paying more attention to how a man treats you. Or thinking you want a rich man when you’re younger, but learning what’s more important is finding a man who genuinely loves you.
Also, some people just have unrealistic expectations, and they need to lower their standards to ones that are realistic. In that case, lowering their standards is a good thing.
I did not lower my standards.
Of course, my father disapproves of my husband lol, even after 30 years.
But his standards are not my standards.
I find my husband attractive, I think he’s very smart, I think he’s a good human and a very good fit for me. No standards were harmed in the making of this relationship.
I’m going to lengthily express this from a relationship standpoint and be one of the blunt people here who admits I just came out of a damaging relationship where I either put my standards aside or just set myself at low standards in caring for someone and hopes of advancing the relationship. Unfortunately I look at this in the lenses of an attachment style issue, and I used to be someone secure. Now, I am anxious leaning towards secure. I came out of the relationship with someone heavily dismissive avoidant and was overall isolated post-breakup recently. I set myself on this bar for one and half years and it should have been shorter.
What I recommend myself in this healing phase for me and what I would suggest for your curiosity is, never expect standards below the bar. Think of a double-edged sword. You don’t have to feel pressured to have higher expectations every time. Disappointment can needle in anyway. With meeting people, making friends, or having a person of interest, don’t go in and think small of yourself (if you tend to overthink). Dive headfirst in the right opportunities and feel out getting to know someone. When you think of what you want and how you see people, you’ll set standards on the way. And, by first, pocketing all trust for yourself than in people completely. Don’t give trust away out loud whenever you feel good in situations, too.
For me, even as I figure things out right now, I know what to keep to myself to set myself at a certain bar intentionally without forcing it. I definitely need time to show up and out. Definitely always align respect for yourself in anything you want to do or meet. Always set standards but don’t set too much high ones in hopes nothing will fail. Observe a lot of it on the surface until you take time to figure out what you want and who you need. Some things naturally become temporary. How you will look at it is long-term.
I don’t see the purpose of lowering standards. It’s actually more beneficial to raise it if it has to move.
I have no interest in ever lowering my standards. Every time I ended a relationship, my standards continue to raise
You’re a man, aren’t you.
Standards are like your own personal guide to dating and relationships. Its traditionally not the same as preferences (superficial nitpicking like height, age, income etc.)
Standards are a guide to secure a healthy, safe long-term relationship or sex partner. Some standards are places youre not willing to go on first dates, how long you’ll chat with someone by phone without meeting up, rules for alcohol/sex with newbs, when you want to be exclusive, when you want to establish being girlfriend/boyfriend, meeting family, moving in, etc. Its meant to be a guide and to help assist with maintaining healthy boundaries while dating. Its not meant to be super strict but is helpful for individual comfort levels. Dating without boundaries can lead to excessive situationships or codependent dynamics.