Hello,
me (24m) and my gf (23f) have been together for 7 months. We quickly moved in together because she lived close to me, I own my own apartment, I no longer have roommates and we enjoy our time together. We both work and study, have friends and hobbies.
For start I just want to say I love her, I love spending time with her, a lot of the time she feels like my best friend (we banter, have similar hobbies, talk about various topics and laugh, etc.).
She suffers from anxiety. I believe it is no longer as severe as it was before we started dating but she sometimes tells me she feels anxious. She takes weak anti-depressant every night before bed.
And now for my problem:
In the beginning we had a lot of sex, 4-5 times a week, sometimes thrice daily. After around 5 months something changed and now we have sex like once every 2 weeks. I tried talking to her about it, first she was defensive, she told me she doesn’t know why it is like that and that she doesn’t want to talk about it. I tried to be open, I wanted to talk about it as a problem we can solve and didn’t mean it as an attack. Then she told me it is because her mind is everywhere in the evening and she can’t concentrate on sex. I don’t want to open this topic again because we talked about it like 2 weeks ago but it also troubles me daily. I believe we are sexually compatible, we openly talked about kinks and what we like. I would also say I am fit, I regularly hit the gym and I do running.
We were both sexually active before we started dating, so we have similar amount of experiences.
Now I don’t know what to do. I must admit my confidence took quite the fall. I try my best to not sexually force her, I say it is fine even tho it hurts me to hear the answer that she’s not in the mood every time. I am affectionate throughout the day, I give massages without it going any further for he not to think its just about sex.
I guess I would like to hear anyones suggestions or similar experiences.
TL;DR – gf barely wants sex after 7 months of dating even tho we used to have it a lot before.
Comments
This is completely normal on her part, wanting sex 5 times a week while living together is unrealistic.
I think the “thrice daily” probably spoiled it 😂
Seems like her infatuation with you faded. I don’t think sex is something you concentrate on. Next time, ask her what she wants to “explore” if you catch my wind.
Brother listen it’s totally normal for it to fade like that and become more of a inconsistent thing. The mistake you’re making is putting an expectation on it in any way, this is only going to make her think something’s wrong with her on top of the anxiety that she’s letting you down. The result will be that she’s not going to be in the mood because it’s built to be this issue rather than the fun carefree experience sex should be
Would you rather have great sex periodically when it organically comes up or would you rather have frequent bad sex she does because she feels obligated to?
Try to think about things from her perspective. Have things at work been stressful? Has there been any drama or heightened anxiety around other aspects of her life that is causing her mind to wander so much before sleep? All these things play a part, it’s hard to feel sexy when you’re stressed,anxious or depressed. Best thing you can do is be supportive and encourage her to do things on her own time or to ask how best you can support her when she’s feeling this way but do these things because you care about her not out of the expectation it’ll lead to sex
She will gradually kill your sexdrive. If it’s now every two weeks if you’re lucky and you can’t even bring it up without her saying it’s an attack inducing her anxiety she will have complete control over your sex life.
You can try to deny her when she’s in the mood but she will use this against you.
You have said that you own your apartment, does she help you to pay off your mortgage on this? I’m assuming she was renting nearby. Did the sex drop significantly after she moved in?
what exact pills does she take as “weak anti-depressant” before bed?
AD are usually taken on a scheme, so that concentration in the blood remains at a relatively constant level. They are not taken before sleep (although I might be wrong here for some of the drugs, that have long half life times, and relatively slow release of active substance into blood plasma).
Many (for our purpose here – the majority, or all) of commonly prescribed AD, not only for these kind of cases of anxiety disorders (social anxiety, generalized anxiety), but for many more too, are some sort of SSRI / SNRI, and they all influence the sexual sphere, mostly negatively, but the effects vary, some pills are more “heavily hitting”, some are less, all are dose dependent, and people respond to them differently.
This is why choosing the right pills for you might be rather difficult from the start, because you’d want to 1) deal with the anxiety AND not have adverse affects, that affect your quality of like, like sexual dysfunction of some sorts (low libido, inability to get it up (for men), inability to have an orgasm (for all), bleak and inexpressive orgasm, various stuff. So you’d have to try various drugs in various doses, to find the balance that works for you.
So it might (most probably is) be the pills. Don’t underestimate yourself because of her mental problems.
She went from new relationship energy sex drive, to settled into the relationship sex drive. You guys may be incompatible if the frequency of sex is affecting you that much. I think once every 2 weeks at your age is pretty bad.
Sounds like the honeymoon phase has left the building. Yeah it’s fairly normal especially if work or school stress is a factor. You’ve already addressed it with her, she knows how you feel give her time and dont pressure her.
Did you ask her what is going on in her mind?
You guys killed the dating phase to get to know each other by moving in together pretty quickly.