I am a first time mom to a very small, very early baby. I got dragged in for a C-section 8 weeks before my due date because of high blood pressure.
Every day I go sit by her bed in the NICU and look at all the wires and needles and the ventilators and it makes me feel a lot of guilt. If I had taken care of myself, if I had chosen to wait to have kids when my body was ready instead of being selfish she wouldn’t be there.
I don’t even feel like she’s mine? They took her out of me and straight to the nicu when she was born. I have to ask for permission/help when I do anything that involves moving her. She eats by feeding tube and my body never produced milk so I’m not feeding her at all. I know shes my kid because people tell me she is but I don’t feel anything when I look at her. I regret doing this to her every second of the day because she’s just a baby and deserves a good mom
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Hey there, new mama. The NICU might feel like a cold, impersonal place, but trust me when I say that the bond with your baby will deepen. Spend time, learn her little habits, and watch as she grows and blossoms. Plenty of parents have faced similar challenges. It’s not about how she arrived, but what you give her now. Drop the guilt, concentrate on nurturing them both. Oh, if those wires are bugging you… um, just see ’em as hot little accessories your baby rocks. Get sweet revenge on high blood pressure by embracing a healthy lifestyle. Remember mama, this is the time that’ll shape her and you. You’ve got this! The best revenge against NICU nights is a future full of sunshine
Hang in there! I didn’t get to hold my baby until she was 9 days old. I’ll be honest – it took longer to build that connection, but now we are as close as can be. 💙
It’s not your fault she’s early, you had a c-section for the health of both of you. You go be with your baby every day, a terrible mother wouldn’t do that. You obviously care about her, and I hope your baby is safe and healthy.
This is heartbreaking and I’m so sorry this is happening. I cannot imagine. Please be strong and support your baby as much as possible right now. You naturally have a lot of emotions going through you that are affecting your thoughts and feelings. It’s understandable. Focus on loving yourself and being kind to yourself. That will get you through this and to do the best you can for your beautiful baby. I hope that you both will be okay.
Sweetie, you are a good mom. The fact that you CARE enough to have regret means you care. You need to see someone and talk about this. You’re still in the throws of hormones and a HARD situation. You can do it!
You are NOT a bad mom.
You are a HUMAN mom.
My little girl was also 8 weeks early. I had a very complicated early delivery and went into a coma.
I missed all that early time with her and my own recovery made those first few months difficult. Pile on PPD and you have a recipe for disconnect.
First off, do talk to your Dr about PPD. Sometimes those disconnected feelings can be treated. Then give yourself grace. This is a very very hard thing you are going through and anything you feel is valid and it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a whole person with complicated feelings in a difficult experience no one should have to go through. It’s also traumatic. Your body and mind are in survival mode.
It’s also understandable that you feel guilty, but I promise you, none of it is your fault. Sometimes our little people just decide to make their grand entrance on their own terms.
If you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open
Sending you a virtual hug. Hang in there, complications are invertible. There is nothing you could have done better. The safety of both of you is what matters now. Congratulations and speedy recovery to the newborn.
Hey friend. You and your baby have been through the wringer. Chances are that the high blood pressure was being caused by the pregnancy which is why your baby needed to be delivered early. Right now you are a mess of fear and self recrimination. It’s hard to feel “normal” maternal love during so much uncertainty. Give yourself time. Your baby is getting good nutrition and care in the nicu. You will learn what you can and cannot do, and eventually all those tubes and lines will come out and you both will go home to start your new lives together. Give yourself grace. Talk to a social worker about services that will be available to you, maybe talk with a chaplain about your fears. If they work in a hospital they have seen it all before. Also talk with your ob about what’s going on with you so they can help as well.
This happened to my sister as well. I strongly suggest finding a group of NICU moms to resonate with 🖤 they will help you immensely in these dark times. Trust and believe that you were made to be her mommy. The joy that is coming will overpower the pain you are feeling now. Sending air hugs your way.
We had the same experience. My wife and I both went back to work for 5 weeks and then took leave when our son was finally able to come home. We’d go to work everyday come home, go see him in the NICU, and then come home and walk the dog. Long days, but it gets better. Hang in there.
Our son is now 24, just graduated last year with an Aerospace Engineering degree. He’s over in Europe working on his masters degree now. Don’t wish for them to grow up too fast, those years disappear way too quickly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!! I don’t know who put these crazy thoughts in your head, be it yourself or someone else, but there is no known exact cause for preeclampsia! It happens to women of all ages, shapes, sizes, races, and medical backgrounds. You could’ve done every single thing that is suggested and still gotten it. This isn’t your fault, YOU didn’t cause this.
What you DID do was go get prenatal care and go to the Dr. You saved both your life and your baby’s life. You’re allowing her to be fed by any means necessary because FED IS BEST. It’s OK that you’re not breast feeding! Asking permission means that you acknowledge the care she’s getting is so important, a bad mom wouldn’t have the strength to recognize that. You’re doing everything right and everything you should be doing for your baby. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You might want to ask the nurses if there is a social worker or support group available, or if you can, seek out a therapist. Your baby is lucky to have a mom who cares so much. Hang in there!
I never went through what you are going through. I had vaginal births and nursed my babies. Talk to your doctor about what your feeling and they will help you accordingly and get your baby bonding with you. It’s alright and nothing wrong with your feelings and attitude about being a mother. It takes time to bond with your baby and you need that time.
Im so sorry OP. Im also sensing something deeper…
Are you feeling like relinquishing your rights may be better? Because its ok to feel that too.
You haven’t gotten the chance to bond yet. That’s not your fault. Right now you’re doing what’s best for baby even though it’s hurting you right now. My sister didn’t bond with my nephew until one day she was changing him and he peed over his head. Give yourself some time and grace
Hey mama.
The fact you’re there everyday with her speaks volumes. I know from experience though that it’s really hard to bond while there is so much medical stuff going on and you’re not getting a chance to just be.
That time will come. The bond will come. Even if that’s when baby is home and you can cuddle her uninterrupted and she’s able to feel more like ‘yours’.
For now, focus on being kind to yourself when you can, looking after your body that has just been through a major surgery and your mind which hormonally will still be a bit all over the place.
You’re doing great.
My kid was in the NICU too. I’ve found r/NICUparents to be very helpful in seeing other people having similar feelings. You will get through this and things will get better once you’re home.
My brother spent a long time in NICU, and it was hard for my mom. I am so sorry. You have gotten so much good advice from people who know more than I do, but I wanted to ask if they will let you read to her or sing to her. If so, that may help you feel like you are more involved. Sitting with someone can make you feel helpless, but having a task can help.
Hi, I didn’t leave the hospital till I was 6 months old.
I have a great relationship with my mom.
While your kiddo is getting her medical needs met, you should go to therapy and work through all your complicated feeling about the birth and motherhood. Then when baby comes home you can bet the best parent you can be.
Getting high blood pressure in pregnancy happens all the time. It contributes a lot to both mother and baby’s mortality rates. Your job right now is to become healthy enough to take care of your child when she gets out of the NICU. You mentioned that you’re not bonding, are you able take your baby out of the incubator to do skin to skin contact? You spoke about not producing milk, have you been able to pump in order to produce milk. Does your NICU have any support groups? Are the NICU nurses explaining your daughter’s condition to you in a way you understand? Are they giving advice on how to best way to bond with her and take care of her needs? This is a very overwhelming time and I think you should give yourself a lot of grace. You were expecting a healthy baby and it takes time to grieve when things change.
Edited to add: Don’t forget that you had major surgery and it takes time to heal and get back to having the same strength as before. Most of the time, women are not offered any type of rehab treatment after c-section surgery. Please be nice to yourself, do self care, and reach out for help if you need it.
It took me 2 months, it will happen. Just be there and help the best you can. Once you get that first smile it all changes.
My kids were not preemie but I did not instantly have a bond with either of them. That came from caring for them and you are waiting for that opportunity. There is nothing wrong with your feelings.
Hang in there, it is tough. A medically necessary c-section is not your fault. Mine was in the NICU as well, it is exhausting, scary, overwhelming. She is 17 years old now and we went on college tours last week, she is definitely mine. It will get better.
NICU life is rough. But you do come through it. Both of you have been through a huge trauma, and your brain will be protecting you.
Are you able to do skin to skin? That can really help both of you. Does your hospital do FiCare (family integrated care), being hands on can help bonding too.
Look into EMDR trauma therapy (I’d advise doing this further down the line, currently you are in the thick of it and it can take a while to truly process everything).
Most of all, be kind to yourself. Your daughter is in great hands, the best thing you can do for her is to look after yourself.
You worrying that you did that to her, is you already being a mom. We blame ourselves for everything.. my babies we very early too and it felt so hard to have the instinct but trust me once she is home with you and you get those cuddles and you see she relies on you, the bond will kick in.
Hi there. I was born 15 weeks early, weighing 1 lb 9 oz. In the NICU for 110 days. My mom spent every day with me in there, and traded off with my dad so she could sleep. My mom is my greatest support, and I’m closer to her than anyone in this world. Give yourself grace, please. Your baby knows you love her, just by being a constant presence.
Had my twins 6 weeks early, 2 week NICU stay.
Did they SAY you have to ask for permission? I was expressly told I did not need to ask to hold, change my babies etc as long as they were stable. I had a hard time feeling like they were mine too but that got better once I realized I don’t need permission to do shit bc they ARE my kids.
If that truly is the case that you need to ask, just know it’ll get better over time and you’ll have more freedom to handle them as you wish
But I absolutely felt a certain disconnect prior to them coming home. You did nothing wrong and I’m sorry you’re going thru that ❤️
Totally normal and everything you feel is very on par with your experiences. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You will grow the bond. Giving birth means an explosion of hormones and emotions at the best of times.
Postpartum is rough. Especially with your traumatic birth. My birth was difficult as well and I thought I would lose the baby. I distanced myself from him to guard my heart. Took me about 2 months after he was born to be able to look at hospital pictures and feel connected to him. It will happen
I had a vaginal birth at 41w4d with my oldest. He stayed with me throughout our hospital stay, and he was EBF — never once tasted a drop of formula.
Despite this, it still took me at least a month or more to feel connected to him. I truly felt like I was simply minding someone else’s baby for quite awhile after he was born.
I’m sorry that you did not get the birth experience that you wanted. I just wanted to let you know that you might have a version of your feelings even if you did not have this NICU disruption. You are doing everything you can to take care of your baby, and I’m confident that you will rapidly develop a bond with her when the time is right.
Btw, my oldest is now 11yo, and trust me by now we are plenty bonded!
You’re story sounds exactly like mine. My baby was born at 29 weeks and she was in the NICU for 8 weeks. Don’t stress yourself about it too much. The bond will come once you’ve gotten your baby home. I will second what other people are saying about looking into PPD. If you are suffering with depression on top of having a NICU baby, it’s just going to exacerbate the issue. You’re going to be a great mom just hang in there and know that this will pass. Sending virtual hugs ❤️
Hang in there, momma! Even with a vaginal birth, a lot of moms don’t ‘love’ their baby immediately. You also have the stress of the NICU on top of it. It’s perfectly fine. You have never really gotten to get to know her, and just because you shared your womb with her doesn’t mean she’s not a stranger so far. It definitely changes, but it takes time! Your entire life has changed in one day. No amount of prepping can make you truly ready to go from rubbing your belly to having to make sure you eat, take care of yourself, and also have a human being who is entirely reliant on you. Take a breath, you can do this. Your baby is in good hands in the NICU, and you get to see her. Don’t force yourself to love her, let yourself just look at her and marvel at the tiny human your body created. Tiny little fingernails, how tiny she is and how cool it is that the nature of your body can be combined with medical technology to nurture her. When she gets out of the NICU you can start to bond. Then you’ll be able to hold her and start to know her, and someday down the road you’ll be holding her and it’ll click that this is right, this is the child you know the little habits of that you love. It definitely is not a requirement of having a kid, the love of a mother has to be nourished to bloom.
None of that makes you a bad mom. As a former NICU mom, it is just kind of hard to bond in the NICU. Ask to hold her, even if it’s just you putting your hands on her in the incubator. I didn’t know I could hold my baby , it wasn’t offered, but I asked and they moved tubes and wires around and let me hold her. They will let you if it’s safe.
Pump breastmilk for her and be there to give her bottles. Change her diapers and bedding. Brush her hair. Read to her. Be in that NICU and do whatever you are able to do for her. It will help so much.
Talk to your OB about PPD. The NICU is so difficult and overwhelming. It’s hard. My daughter was there for a month and I had to ask for permission too and it just doesn’t feel good. Do use the time in the NICU to rest. Do pump and give them bottles of BM to feed her.
It gets better and you will bond with her. Once she comes home, those feelings will change. It sucks, I agree, but sometimes it can’t be helped.
That whole thing where moms have kids and they started weeping and they are like this is the best moment of my life I didn’t know I could love someone this much. Stuff. Does happen. But sometimes you care about them but you don’t know who they are yet and just like any other relationship you form that bond. And new born babies sleep most of the time thay doesn’t happen for those moms until their babies get more and more personality coming through. So don’t worry about that. That will come. And the only way to get rid of the guilt of being selfish is to not be anymore. Whatever it was that you were doing stop doing it now. While they are in the nicu being taken care of by other people. This is a huge opportunity for you to focus on fixing that. And then go in and tell her about your progress. And the better you get the better she’ll get and you two will get stronger together. If your selfishness was not something that you can work on or change now. Then work on something else that will make you the best mom to them when they are well enough to come home. Focus that guilt into something productive that will make you proud of yourself. And tell your baby. It’s a way for you to bond.
It will get better with time! Not everyone bonds instantly with their baby, they put mine directly on my chest and she still felt like a stranger for the first couple of weeks/months. Now she’s 3 and the light of my life. Hang in there!
I have a friend I’m
Seeing tomorrow who has fraternal
Twins. Very much the same story as yours. They turned 20 last week and if you don’t think they love their parents heart and soul, you don’t know them. Hang in there mama, you’ll have plenty of time with your darling.
It will work out. My daughter was 6 weeks early because I had HELLP syndrome. After a few days, when I got better, I was able to hold her. I just kept feeling I could never be the mom she needed and deserved so I should put her up for adoption.
That feeling didn’t last long! It soon kicked in that I’M her mama. She needs ME! No one could do a better job raising her.
Your daughter knows you’re there. She hears the voice she heard before she was born and that comforts her. She already needs you and she’s so happy for you ❤️
So I’m the other half of this. Born and immediately taken to be cut open and attached to many machines for months.
I can’t really tell you how my mom felt during the beginning, but she was in the same place as you without being able to hold me or bond with me.
Unfortunately I was diagnosed with a lifelong disease of cystic fibrosis which lead to a double lung transplant, so my life has always been filled with a lot of hospitalization, surgery, etc, but these things have brought my mom and I closer over the years.
Lots of driving to doctors appointments, sitting in waiting rooms, sitting in hospitals beds, etc.
I’m not saying that’s going to be your future at all. What I’m saying is, even though you don’t feel a connection now, when your baby grows older and starts walking/talking/going to school/etc you’ll most likely grow a deeper bond with them than most parents do with their children.
Don’t sweat it. Plus women can feel really off with their hormones after birth. Even with fully healthy babies that they are able to hold and bond with.
Hey mom!! I have NICU twins. They were about 1.5 months premature, and i was out of it for about 2 weeks after they were born due to severe preeclampsia, post partum hypertension and severe blood loss. It’s normal to feel like it’s difficult to bond when you have to ask for help to do anything with your own baby. It gets easier once they aren’t connected to so much and i would ask for skin to skin often. As far as this being “your fault-“ that’s just not true. You could have taken the most perfect care of yourself or waited longer or whatever, but ultimately the placental hormones and natural increase in blood volume for a pregnant person can increase blood pressure and cause pre eclampsia and lead to needing baby to be born to cure those things. Otherwise you and baby could have been much worse off. Aspirin can lower risk sometimes (was on it due to high risk with multiples), but doesn’t always help. It’s literally nothing you did and you likely could not have prevented it. Idk if that helps to ease the burden of guilt. But it’s definitely not your fault🩷
You’re a new mom and your hormones are still raging. Please give yourself some grace. You have a whole lifetime to be a great mom even if you screw up. but just to be clear, thia is not a screwup on your behalf. This could’ve happened if you were perfectly healthybest of luck to you and your baby girl.
You have gone through a lot. You’re healing mentally and physically. The bond between you and your baby will happen. Many moms talk about not feeling a bond with their babies for weeks and they haven’t been through everything that you have.
My first baby was in the NICU. It was only for a week, but it was also my first and I was overwhelmed and unsure. I did not feel a connection at first. It slowly snuck in there though. It was amazing how it just sort of happened and I realized one day. Give yourself time. Also like others are saying, tell the nurses you are struggling to connect! It’s not a failure on your part, and it doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. In fact it means you are a very good mom to worry about this and try to connect.
Hey, there. It’s not unusual to feel like this. Even women who have “perfect” births (if there is such a thing) can feel a disconnect their babies. Some parents feel that bond instantly, but for some of us it’s just more of a slow burn build up and that’s OKAY. (And a lot of us had no luck with the breastfeeding either.)
Dealing with the NICU equipment and limitations adds to this, plus there’s the very real stress you’ve been through.
But I’m going to let you know a couple of things. The very fact that you are so worried about your bond tells me that you are already on the road to bonding with that baby, you are already feeling the Mom things like guilt and worry and stress BECAUSE you are a good Mom. You’re just waiting for the good Momhood feelings to kick in.
Second, love is a verb. You grow it by doing it. Touch your baby if you can even when you can’t hold her. Talk to her or read a book to her. A kid’s book or the you like yourself it doesn’t matter. She knows your voice and touch already. She will do better health wise with your touch. Sometimes you can even see a baby’s heartbeat slow just a little or their breath hitch when they respond to your voice. Get a dry wash cloth that has been washed in Woolite or baby detergent and wear it tucked into your bra at night and see if you can leave it in her incubator so can have your smell nearby. But regardless, your love WILL grow as you do these things. Don’t worry if it’s slow. It’ll get there.
And if you have a support group or something there, please join it. It really can help to say what you posted here out loud and to see you aren’t alone. Other parents are going through this all the time.
I’m sending prayers or positive vibes whichever you are into for the baby to get well soon and for lots of hugs in your future to make up for lost time.
Consider adoption
I’m now 65. I waited until I was 25 to have my first. A baby boy, born by emergency c section, 7.5 weeks premature. He was taken right after he was born by helicopter to the university of Washington several hours away.
he was taken about 8pm. I got to see him once. I started refusing the pain meds and by morning I left the hospital and went to him. Because of the stress I didn’t produce milk. He was fed with a tube, but eventually the tubes and wires were gone. Now he’s 40 yrs old, sweet handsome, my pride and joy. His IQ when tested at 16 yrs old was 132, and I can only attribute that to God because he sure didn’t inherit it from his father or from me!
Four years later my daughter was born premature.
I was healthy, ate healthy, regular doctor care, definitely old enough. No reason why both were early
So, it may not be your ‘fault’, and give bonding time. You haven’t gotten to hold her but when you do the bond will happen. When you feel her sweet warm little body, smell her sweet baby scent, look in her eyes, your heart will open and you will feel a love so huge you won’t have room for anything else. That baby is going to be your whole world. You will nurture her, teach her how to be a good and responsible human being, you’ll defend her in her teens when she begins to form her own opinions, you’ll encourage her to stand tall and firm in her independence even if her opinion is different from yours. You’ll share her dreams and help her achieve them. And one day when you’re old and need help or cared for she will be there for you giving you all the love and patience you have her.
But it all takes time. So spend every minute with her, talk to her, reach in and hold her tiny hand, it will all happen.
I felt VERY similar when I had my little boy.
He was two weeks old early, and I got to hold him sort of while I was coming out of general anesthesia. So I didn’t hear his first cry. Didn’t really get skin to skin before thru took him to nicu.
I leaked and produced, but I resented it because I didn’t have my baby.
A week later he was coming home, and I felt like he hated me. He cried every time I held him, and I borderline felt nothing when I held him. And I thought there would be this special connection or moment where I would get that motherly instinct.
But it was more gradual than that. It was slow at first. Just felt like obligation at first, like I was just doing it cause I was supposed to. In doing that though, the feelings of love and maternal affection trickled in, one day I was crying because PPD is heavy, and he smiled at me. And it was probably gas or something. But it just… made me feel better. And I realized I finally felt like his mother.
But it took a while. Probably 2-3 months.
Hey mom! Don’t worry and don’t beat yourself up! My son was in the nicu for 3 weeks and it was during Covid so he didn’t even know what I looked like without a mask till he came home! The fact that you are there daily and next to her is all she needs! You may not feel it now but you will feel the bond! I also did not get breast milk with either of my kids so I understand the lack of bonding you’re feeling! Don’t blame yourself, enjoy this time one on one you have with her while at the hospital and it will grow from there! I know it’s hard seeing your baby all wired up but keep talking to her and touching her and letting her know you are there and she will feel it!!
Oh my god the things I could say to you. I’m so sorry, I have an identical story and a child with cerebral palsy from his 34 week traumatic birth. I didn’t bond with him, I didn’t even want anything to do with him until my mom bailed on me when he was 5 months due to a mental health crisis. People don’t bond with their kids for a while under NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES…you my friend have been through severe trauma. It is totally normal to being going through your own shit…and guess what the baby will not remember it. Don’t rush it. It’ll come when it comes, but it’ll come I promise. Even if it’s just one day when they smile at you and you feel it all of the sudden. Praying for you and your baby. I promise you life will feel normal again!!
You just need to give yourself Grace. What is done is done and you can bond in time. Right now it is so hard because she is so fragile. Talk to the nurses, the social workers, anybody that will listen. You are not alone. You just don’t know it yet!!
My first 2 babies were born 9 weeks early due to severe pre-eclampsia. The first NICU nurses were amazing at helping me form a bond with my son. I remember standing next to his isolette and feeling the giant wave of guilt rush over me. My stupid body couldn’t even stay healthy enough to grow my baby all the way. Fortunately, my NICU nurses were also, apparently, psychologists, and recognized the signs of my guilt, without me needing to voice them. They were true angels and 26 years later I still think of nurse Jonna with love and gratitude.
My daughter was born 3 years later in a different hospital, in a different country, and these nurses were NOT psychologists. They were robots, methodically giving the absolute best medical care to my daughter and completely ignoring me and my struggles. I kept going down to visit her, weak, recovering from my second emergency c-section, and struggling to even stand upright. And each time I was turned away for a different reason, even though I scrupulously studied the paper outlining visiting hours in the NICU and followed that.
Finally when I was turned away for the 3rd time in a row, I pitched a fit. The kind of fit only a hormonally imbalanced, post partum mother blocked from seeing her first born daughter can throw. And it flipped a switch in the nurses behavior. They fell over themselves apologizing and made immediate changes so I could visit my baby right then, and offered to let me give her her first bath later that evening. I never had a problem visiting her after that.
My point is, you are not alone, you are not a bad mom, and your feelings are valid. Please, please, please dont keep these feelings to yourself. Let the nurses know of your struggles to connect and dont stop until they give you what you need. I wish you and your baby all the best.
Your honesty is brave, and you are not alone. Many mothers feel this way after a traumatic birth and NICU stay. Bonding takes time, especially when everything feels out of your control.
You didn’t cause this. High blood pressure and early delivery are not your fault. A C-section saved both of you. Your baby is alive because of your strength.
Showing up every day, sitting by her, worrying and caring, this is what love looks like. Even if you don’t feel it yet, it’s there. Please talk to someone you trust. You deserve support. You are not a bad mom. You are already enough.
I was born in respiratory distress and spent my first week in the NICU. My mom and I have a great relationship now. I know you’re gonna do amazing ❤️
The fact that you are expressing concern here tells me you are a caring and worried mother. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and maybe it might be a source of comfort to speak with a therapist? Just to help process the scariness of the situation??
I think you will be a wonderful parent and your baby is lucky to have you. Blessings to you both 🫶🏼
i was in the NICU for 3 weeks… i’m now the favorite child. you will bond with your baby, and that bond will only continue to get stronger. i promise ❤️ i’m sorry i can’t say much because i don’t have any experience being a mom (i’m childfree and the most experience i have with kids is babysitting my nephews) but i do know you love your baby, and a bond is there.
One of my friends at my first job out of college cried for days when the hospital took her newborn son in for observation during their bonding time. Don’t worry Mommy. There are premature babies who don’t leave ICU or the hospital for months and they bond just fine with their parents who cherish and adore them and they know it! There are infant-mother bonding activities you can do, such as music therapy and play, that you can use to catch up later. Don’t let guilt kill your love and joy. Just focus on how much you love your baby and babies understand love and just want to be loved! They get it and you need to feel loved too. Forgive the guilt and fear so you make room to feel the love that is always there naturally.
Oh sweet mama, I feel this in my soul. I had a 27 weeker who ended up having a 103 day NICU stay. I felt so much guilt. How could this have happened when I had an absolutely perfect first pregnancy and unmedicated birth? It made no sense at all and I still grapple with it even now as my baby will be one years old soon. We are robbed of so much in the NICU. The anxiety and spiraling can be crippling. You are there bedside with your baby. You listen to medical advice. You are nothing short of a good mom. Slowly you will build a relationship with your baby and this NICU nightmare will be a distant memory, I promise you as someone who is on the other side. Every NICU baby’s journey is different. To offer you some hope, my little girl has been home for 7 months now and she’s the light of our lives. She’s such a happy little girl. She sees some specialists and that’s okay. She’s growing and developing well, but at her own pace. She is bonded to me, her dad, and her brother. You will get through this. Sending you hope and love. Please join us on the NICUparents sub if you haven’t already, you’re welcome in that space with open arms 🫶🏼
Awww I’m sending you so many hugs! Have you seen someone for postpartum depression? It sounds like you may be experiencing symptoms, and it’s no joke! There’s help available 🩷
I know it’s hard to bond when it feels like you can’t actually be a mom to your baby. Remember, the NICU is just taking the place of your natural womb while you baby finishes growing. Your baby isn’t suffering, you didn’t “force this” on them, this isn’t awful or malicious or even neglectful or selfish on your part. It’s just modern technology helping nature along so both of you benefit and stay as safe and healthy as possible.
Some things you can try doing to help bond, are read to your baby when you sit beside them. Sing them songs. The sound of your voice is familiar and comforting after 7 months growing inside you, and they need to hear it.
You can pick up crochet or knitting or quilting, and make them a little blanket or stuffy or hat or sweater while you sit beside them. Something you can touch, that has an emotional connection to them.
You can keep a little “glimmer” journal when you sit there, and note every little positive thing you can, like a tiny hand squeeze, or a little kick, or an eye blink, or a coo, or how beautiful their eyes are, or how cute their little fingers are. Literally anything positive you can. Then when you’re home, read over it again. It can help with the bonding too, and help you focus on positives.
You can also finish nesting at home. Anything you didn’t have time for before, do now. Perfect their room. Get that little vibrating seat for the kitchen so they can lay in it while you cook. Stack that extra pile of blankets and cloths next to where you will nurse. Find the perfect tiny “Welcome home” outfit. And finally, maybe see if there’s a NICU mom support group at your hospital, and find other moms who are on this same journey as you. Support is everything, and you are not alone!
Be brave, mama. 🩷
You are doing your best, and you are showing up every day for your kid, even when you are struggling. You’re a good Mom.
You’re also a person, who went through a trauma too. You’re allowed to not be okay, and you’re allowed to have complicated feelings. You’re also allowed to work through that and talk to someone – a doctor, a therapist, whoever. None of those things make you a bad mother.
Your daughter is safe, and cared for, and has her mother by her side every day to advocate for her. She’s in the best place she could be right now, and don’t be afraid to take some time for you in all those to process your feelings. Movies and TV and just society in general lay a lot of expectations on women for what motherhood and bonding should look like. Give yourself some grace and some time. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.
My oldest girlfriend had her son at 26 weeks. He was so tiny and it was very trying but now he’s a beautiful almost 16-year-old and their relationship is great. Ask about skin-on-skin contact, it made a huge difference for my friend and her son in those early (very hard) days.
Oh honey, let me tell you me tale if that’s ok?
I was 23 and pregnant for the first time with a very wanted pregnancy. The pregnancy was rough and i ended up on full bed rest at 22 weeks.
At 34 weeks my body went into labor and they couldn’t stop it. My baby was delivered by emergency c-section. I never even got to look at it him before he was whisked away to the NICU.
The first time I visited him I cried because I didn’t feel that rush of love you hear about all the time from first time moms. All I felt was worry,sadness, grief, relief and then guilt for being relieved my pregnancy was over. No love.
But you know what, it was there, it was just buried under all those other feelings. The first time I got to kangaroo with him when he was a week old those feelings came in a rush. I was filled with love and i couldn’t wait to bring him home.
Having a NICU baby is the worst thing in the world (I had 3). You have so much worry on your heart that it’s hard to feel anything else. However, try not to feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong. You had no way of knowing this would happen love! Sometimes things just happen.
Just stay strong for your little one. Visit her as often as you can, kangaroo with her if you’re allowed (even with wires you should be allowed to if she’s stable), and let yourself feel your feelings. They are all valid but try to go easy on yourself. Postpartum is a bitch and having a NICU baby doesn’t help. It’s ok to not be ok.
You know you love her, and you are going to be a GREAT mom! You already are! Look at you sitting by her side and planning her future! You got this!
If you ever need to talk to someone who’s been through it, you can always message me. I’m sending huge hugs to you and healing vibes to your beautiful baby girl! Congratulations Mama!
it’s so very important that you sit beside her, if you can hold onto her hand. It means so much. I am so glad you are doing all you can for her ❤️
Emergency C Section mum here who really struggled to bond with baby because of trauma and postnatal depression.
The love, it comes, I promise. Not everyone is in love from the moment they meet their baby, especially when they’re traumatised. And it takes time and practice to learn how to be a mom – we might be tricked into thinking it all comes naturally, otherwise we’re failing but that is so not true. The fact you care about being a good mum means there’s some love going on in there, even if it’s hard to tap into rn.
Please be kind to yourself. You don’t know for sure what outcome your baby might have had, even if you waited.
You’re so brave admitting this, thank you for sharing.
This hit home for me. My daughter was born at 33 weeks and was in the NICU for 31 days. I don’t remember her birth. She’s currently 21 months (19 adjusted) and we have a great bond BUT that didn’t happen until I brought her home. It’s so, so hard to bond with your new baby when you’re recovering from a cesarean and the baby is in the NICU.
One thing that helped my husband and me when she was in the NICU was trying to visit during her care times. We changed her diaper, checked her temperature, and held her during feeds (even when she was tube-fed).
You will get past this scary time and once you bring your baby home, you’ll get to know her and her little personality. You will bond, I promise. It’s much easier once she comes home.
As for feeling like it’s your fault your baby was born early- it is not, I promise. That feeling of guilt is really common in preemie moms but it is a lie. You grew a beautiful baby who, for her safety and yours, had to be born early. That is no one’s fault.
Sending you and your baby so much love.
I don’t have kids but I can tell you that you are a good mom. You are dealing with all the after pregnancy nightmare (hormone roller coaster + recovering from MAJOR surgery) with none of the happy brain chemicals that come from holding your baby. Give yourself grace.
I’m sure you are already doing this, but try talking to her when you can sit with her? I’m sure she knows your voice and will find some comfort from it. Talk about anything – goofy stories, recipes you want to try, bucket list vacations… Sounds dumb but I do this when I have to take my cats to the vet since they hate being in the car. I just chatter at them and keep my voice happy and light in the hopes that they will assume if hu-mom is unstressed, they can be unstressed.
Also, my husband was born wicked early (like, at the limits of what could survive in the late 80’s) and stayed in the hospital for a very long time before he went home. He has a great relationship with his parents and seems unaffected by all that early stuff. He wound up being an only child so now his parents live just down the street from us, lucky me.
That little thing in the incubator is 100% dependent on others, including you, to live. She needs every bit of love and attention you can give her, even though it’s at a distance at the moment. Imagine how she feels … ripped out of the world she knew. She’s probably terrified and in pain much of the time, being poked and prodded with needles and tubes. I know you need help to get through this. She needs more help.
It is ok to not be ok. You are beating yourself up because you are worried for your baby. That means you are a normal mom. With normal human feelings. Plenty of people shut down when they are overwhelmed. It is ok to feel nothing, especially when feeling something might be too much for you to handle right now. If the feeling nothing was real, you wouldn’t be there every day, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up with woulda coulda shouldas, you wouldn’t hate that you have to consult others about touching her, you wouldn’t see all the tubes and wires. None of those things are nothing, they are a mom who loves her baby. She is already yours and very obviously loved deeply. I hope you can be together soon.
You are her mom and you are worried about this, so you are being a GREAT mom!!
My youngest was in the NICU. Talk to the nurses. They may be able to give you time with skin to skin contact. It helps create a bond and may even stimulate your lactation. They may also be able to give you some ideas for bonding and outside support as well.
My youngest was a three pound peapod pixie and she grew every time I got to see her. (She’s now a 5’7 gorgeous goth girl). She was an emergency c-section because of high blood pressure like yours. Blood pressure in pregnancy is a crap show for many.
Talk to your baby, sing to them, tell them stories about absolutely anything, and even read to them. Nurture yourself and give yourself some love. You are healing and your hormones are raging. You’ve got a lot going on, but you can be there, which means more than anything.
For now, just breathe and get to know her. It’s hard being a mom and being a mom in a NICU feels incredibly overwhelming. Message me if you need to vent.
If you do not feel any connection whatsoever, there is NO shame in considering open adoption.
I was a NICU baby and my bio mom never bonded either, it sucked for her, she was constantly annoyed.
My son was born at 26 weeks because of pre eclampsia I woke up and was high as a kite I didn’t see him for 12 hours I struggled so much with the same things you are, and it’s really a hard place to stay positive I used to read to him and he would desat and they would ask me to stop but after a while they started taking the tubes out and once they moved him into a crib I would go in and pick him up myself. He’s five now and we have an amazing bond. The most important thing to remember is even though there are rules etc you are in charge. I remember my son was having trouble finishing bottles on the schedule and another mom said she asked them to feed her son on demand. I was like I didn’t even know you could do that. Looking back I wish I took a little bit more control but it’s very easy to feel out of control in a situation like that.
I read an article years ago that some humans have trouble bonding with their babies for the first 6 months, and it’s an evolutionary holdover. For so much of human history, babies struggled to make it out of infancy. Delaying a bond helped the parents remain sane if the worst happened.
It will come. Take time to heal and get to know your baby.
NICU mom here. please ask to speak to the hospital social worker. you are not alone in this feeling and there is support for you, you just have to ask.
So you have gotten a lot of good responses. I am also a NICU mom. I had triplets born at 24 weeks. Smallest babies the NICU had seen that survived. You need to advocate for your daughter and don’t be afraid to question the drs and nurses. We were assigned a hospital liaison to help us navigate the NICU. Maybe you can ask if your hospital has one of those. Hopefully a NICU nurse has stepped up and said she will be your daughter’s primary nurse. Meaning she knows everything about her and what she likes/dislikes. Ask if you can do kangaroo care. With one of mine, I was holding her within a week. It was very stressful and hard to do but the nurses know how to do it gently and without much discomfort for the baby. They are so fragile. I also did not produce enough milk for them so I just had to let that go. You can do this. Just take it one day at a time. Know there will be good days and bad days for you and your baby. My babies were in the NICU from August to January. All are healthy and thriving. They are 19 years old now and two are in college and one is in the Navy.
You are doing great and what you are feeling is absolutely valid and not uncommon. And it’s ok to feel that way, there’s nothing wrong about it!
At the moment, you feel distant. But baby knows your voice and your touch. Baby will often respond positively to mom’s presence. They will bond with you, and when you are ready/able, that bond to you will be very beneficial in helping you bond with them.
You can only do the best you can with what you have. And you deserve grace, this is hard. If you can get a referral to a good post partum therapist from your Ob or insurance (they often have a nurse line or patient advocate you can work with to arrange for covered services) that might be very beneficial. Best of luck to you and your little one ❤️
Please talk to your doctor about these feelings, PPD could very well be a factor in your ability to connect right now. Both of my nieces were emergency C-section NICU babies and they are living their best lives now. Try to be present and just focus on giving love to this baby you haven’t quite gotten to know yet. But you will.
Oh, so many emotions, sweet mama! Your body has been through a lot; your mind is all over the place. I think that’s pretty typical. The early delivery and c-section are not your fault, no one is blaming you, please let go of the guilt. I’m so thankful for the wires and equipment that can sustain her for now and for the surgery that allowed you to be safe as well!
You are a good mom! You’re showing up and you are concerned. Does the hospital have a NICU support group? Have you told your doctor about your guilt and lack of feeling? Reach out for connection with others who have been through the same challenges or are going through them now and keep your doctor in the loop.
Be gentle to yourself.
It is very reasonable to feel like that’s not your baby after a c section with not being able to breastfeed as well as NICU on top. You’ve had no chance to bond since the birth and that isn’t your fault, sweetie. You are just struggling because the circumstances are really bad 💔 I remember when I was in hospital after my son was born via c section and I didn’t feel like he was mine either. The hormones, pain and awful hospital environment made everything so heavy and hopeless. You’re not a bad mother for this and you’re definitely not alone x
Hey mama!!! I’m a NICU nurse, and I just want to give you a HUG. The NICU is such a tough place, when people dream of their babies, this is surely not what they think of.
Have you shared with your nurses how you feel? You can do little things that will help you feel more connected. When do they do baths? We have regularly scheduled times for baths, and that is a great way to start feeling included and getting to know your kiddo. Even if you can’t put them in a tub, just a washcloth to their head, or whatever they can tolerate is the start of the process. What about helping with diaper changes? Or taking their temperature when it’s time?
Those nurses want you to bond with and love your baby. Please, please share with them how this feels for you and tell them you need to be more involved in her direct personal care. I’m 100% sure they will teach you how to be involved. Sometimes it feels so routine to us that we lose perspective on how it can feel for you. Our job is to stand in the gap for you and with you.
Please give yourself some grace. You’re still a person and you’ve been through a lot too!!! Try not to play the guessing game of “what if I had done X differently”. The reality is you really don’t know what, if anything would be different. Sooooooo many factors contribute to premature birth. But you’re both here now, in the space and I guarantee you that your baby wants to be with. hear, and smell mama. Maybe you could bring a book and quietly read it at the bedside? Or bring in a special lotion or blankets if the unit allows that based on her status. You’re showing up for your baby when it’s hard. That’s being a great mama.
And please please please, talk to your nurses. Let them help you love your baby. I always call all those lines their “Jewelry”. Sweet kiddos got all their jewelry on today! This will one day be part of what makes your story beautiful.
You can do this!!!!!
Spend time with her and talk to her. NICU is tough. My daughter was only there a few days but it was tough. Worse though was there was a set of twins both less than 2 lbs. no one came to see them the whole time we were there. Very sad to see. Your bond will grow with time.
Oh this is rough. I had a tough time bonding with my first who was an unplanned c section. And my second was 6 weeks early and spent the first 4 in the nicu. It’s hard when they are this skinny little chicken with wires and tubes and they can’t look at you because they are sleeping all the time. It’s hard to feel connected. Hopefully soon some of those wires and tubes will go away and you can start doing some skin to skin with her. I highly recommend it. In the mean time maybe go to your library and get some books to read to her. She loves hearing your voice. Talk to her about mundane things. Take pictures and videos of her and talk to yourself about her. Tell her about all the fun things you will do this summer.
They don’t know what cause preeclampsia or HELLP (I had HELLP), you got your baby here safely. Don’t beat yourself up, give yourself some grace and love.
Oh sweetheart. My ex sister in law works in a NICU. SO I know a little about it. I am so sorry. I know the answer is give it time. That rings so hollow. Yiu have my whole heart in this. I am rooting and if you agree, I’ll hold you in my prayers.
Hi, former NICU mama here. My son was born at 24 weeks, he was in the NICU for 110 days. I know the all too familiar feeling you’re describing. Though I was able to produce some milk for him, he too was fed through a feeding tube. At some point my milk wasn’t high in calories and he was given donor milk to make up for it. But I remember how I would sit next to him, I knew he was mine, I’d cray for him, pray for him, sing to him. But I still felt so disconnected. I hated having to ask for permission to touch him because I was scared I’d overstimulate him and he’d destat. When he’d have episodes and I couldn’t do anything to help him I felt so angry at myself, at my body for in my mind betraying him. I’d sit there and beat myself up about why I couldn’t have kept him in longer where he would have been safer. Less stress. As he got better and stronger I had to forgive myself, and I had to accept that what happened wasn’t in my control. I had to get real with myself, because the stronger he got the closer it was getting to taking him home. When that day came there was a whole new mix of feelings and emotions. I was excited, but I was terrified. I realized he’d been the best place for him all that time and he had constant care for when anything “wrong” happened. There was an army of nurses who would rush in and help him. The reality hit me that after we left it was all me and my husband. We didn’t have the doctors and we did t have the nurses. He came home on oxygen, I was who was in charge of keeping his nasal cannula in and making sure his oxygen was correct. I’ll admit until he was off the oxygen it still took some time for me to let myself bond to him, because up until that point I didn’t feel like his mama. I had only felt like a caregiver. But once all the “scary” stuff passes. A switch flips and you start to relax and realize you can enjoy your baby. It’s all a process, once the switch flips then that bond forms stronger than ever. And then you’ll be a mush cake for your little
One. I sometimes struggle with being consistent with my son when it comes to discipline. Because I’ll look at him and I’ll get flash backs to the little tiny, fragile baby he was connected to all the tubes and monitors. It’ll come mama, don’t give up and forgive yourself. It’s hard, but remind yourself she’s in the next best, safe place she needs to be.
It sounds like you wont allow yourself to bond with her bc of the guilt.
When you are near to your baby she feels your presence through your voice and aura. Talk to her softly. Tell her she’s belongs to you and you love her. This will also help you bond too. You’re not bonding don’t not real interaction. Start interacting. As soon as she can during formula on her own you must feed her. When a nurse can hold her that means you can too. Demand of the doctors to be able to do so when she’s healthy enough to be held. There is still time to bond. For God sakes we can bond with our pets ! So that means you can bond with her. Start telling her she’s is your baby. She belongs to you and you to her. Trust me the bonding process is available still.
There is a lot of pressure to feel connected to a baby as soon as it’s born. Everyone says, “I took one look at my new baby and everything changed!” I had a “normal” planned c-section delivery with a healthy baby, but I did not feel anything for her for a few weeks after we brought her home. Follow whatever advice others give you here for bonding with your baby. My best advice is not to put too much pressure on yourself. You’re in a tough situation, and you need to give yourself some grace and some self-love. You are meant to be exactly where you are in this process. If you can’t change the negative self-talk on your own, meet with a social worker or therapist for some help.
Poor mama. You can definitely build a relationship with your baby still. NICU is really hard. You will get through it. How are you feeling? Try to take care of yourself and heal. Go to therapy, get a massage. Try to feel more connected to yourself and your own body. I think that will help. The whole first year with a medically fragile kid is harder than for healthy kids. Work on getting supports in place ASAP. ❤️
My baby was also premature (emergency c sec. at 36 weeks) and had to be on a ventilator for about a week and in hospital for two weeks after that due to jaundice.
I also felt a lack of any bond or even fondness towards him. I wanted nothing more than to go home. I was miserable, and in a way, I blamed my child for it (yes, I was diagnosed with PPD not long after birth).
Here’s the thing. The weeks following having a baby is ROUGH! Your body just went through major trauma (a c section is major abdominal surgery), and your hormones just took the equivalent of a wrecking ball through them. You have this whole ass human being to take care of (which is completely tour responsibility to keep alive) while you’re healing and doubting yourself more than you ever will in your entire life.
For some parents, postpartum is this magical time where everything feels perfect and in place, and they instantly fall in love with their baby and they will lay their life on the line without batting an eye for this freshly baked human.
That was NOT my experience, and it’s also not the experience of countless other new moms. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt good, I was in pain, I was tired, and I had no help while I was in the hospital with my newborn baby. I couldn’t produce milk (which I was heavily judged for by the actual doctors and nurses). I was not happy, to say the least.
Yes, this baby came out of you. Yes, they’re a part of you. But at the end of the day, no matter how you spin it, they’re still a complete stranger to you.
Personally, I only started bonding with my baby in the months following the extended hospital stay. Just get through the next few weeks, I promise you it’s going to be okay. The bond and love will come.
Now, almost 8 years later. I truly don’t feel like those first few months of “apathy” affected the relationship or bond I have with my child at all.
ALL that baby needs from you right now to be happy is your presence, some milk (breastmilk or formula), and a diaper change every now and then – while you both heal and recuperate your strength. There is plenty of opportunity to make up for this “lost” time in the coming months/years.
What you’re feeling is completely normal. I’ve had two babies in NICU one for 109 days and the other for 29 days. It’s very hard to build a bond when there is no family routine and you’re forced to work around the hospital. Once baby is home the bond will begin to form and it is a bond that never stops growing as a parent your bond will grow along with them. Stay strong NICU is a roller-coaster and it only gets better after!
Sis, anyone who tells you they bonded with their kid immediately is lying through their teeth or hasn’t bonded with them till the moment they’re talking to you still.
Oh sweetie. It’s going to be okay, you did everything you could for your baby and it’s not your fault she’s in the NICU. Your bond will deepen once she’s healthy enough to be held and cared for independently. You’re not a bad mom.
These are classic symptoms of post partum depression that you have described. It is very common and also very treatable. There is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.
Let your doctor know, and don’t give up until you get the help that you need to feel better. Your daughter is being cared for in the NICU, so you know she is in good hands. Use this time to take care of yourself and get what you need so that you can manage when it’s time to bring her home. What you are going through is common, but it’s also not okay. Avoid needless suffering.
Read up on it (don’t take my word for it): https://postpartum.net
I also had my daughter 8 weeks early. We were unable to nurse because of the feeding tube and lack of supply. I was terrified of not being able to bond with her because of her coming early, being in the NICU, not being able to feed her, not getting the golden hour, etc. But now my 2 year old and I have THE BEST bond. I struggled with PPA until about 18 months pp. I didn’t want anyone to watch/hold her because I was afraid it would hinder our bond. I hated being away from her to even run to the store because I was already away from her when she was in the NICU. Just know that the NICU is hard. But it’s the best thing for your baby right now. It’s normal to not feel connected to someone you just met and don’t get to have the “normal” newborn days with. Definitely talk to your doctor about PPD/PPA. I didn’t realize I had it until it went away and it was like a weight was lifted from my chest. Your baby and you will bond. It might take a while but it will develop. You and your baby went through something that wasn’t supposed to happen. And it’s normal to have emotions about it. But making sure your mental health is okay is so so so important and will help you immensely. We were told to expect the NICU stay to until the due date. But we were lucky enough to get to take her home after a couple of weeks. Once you take that baby home you will feel a better but it might not make everything better. So please please talk to your doctor. And eventually this all will pass and you will have a happy healthy relationship and bond with your sweet baby!
I also felt my pre-eclampsia and c section was my fault but the truth is that we can not prevent everything. I don’t know what you mean by “chosen to take of myself” and “wait until my body was ready” but I just want to say that even if you did do something that made your high blood pressure more likely it still wasn’t a guarantee. Plenty of people have children with varying health conditions and life style habits and no high blood pressure and then there are people like me with no bad health habits who still got pre-eclampsia. There is evidence it’s related to the placenta and the way it interacts with the mother’s body, look it up, there is a lot about pre-eclampsia we don’t know.
As for the bond, you will get there. You’re going through a medical trauma and also becoming a new parent at the same time. It’s sooo so much to deal with. I promise that if you do the work needed to heal you will get there and you will develop a loving strong bond with your baby. Your baby wants to bond with you, it’s preprogrammed and no amount of NICU stays or anything else will make her stop wanting you at this age. So just try to rest in knowing that and take care of yourself and heal and take it one day at a time getting to know her
What’s up with the kangaroo care? You should be doing that daily.
Your bond will come. There’s nothing magic about breastfeeding. Loving her and being there for her over the course of her life will create that bond.
It took me almost a year to feel bonded to my baby after a traumatic birth/csection experience. I thought it would never happen. You’ll get there
You’re in survival mode right now. A lot of moms blame themselves when anything doesn’t go as expected when it comes to babies. Stop. She’s not in the NICU because you were selfish.
It’s actually pretty normal not to feel a bond with your baby right away. I didn’t bond with my kid until he was about five months.
My best friend’s daughter was born at 22 weeks due to preeclampsia. My sweet friend blamed herself, even though the condition was not her fault at all! Her daughter is 13 now and thriving despite all the complications and surgeries when she was a baby.
This sounds like shock OP
Do you have post partum see your OBGYN ok
You’ll get it over it eventually. And you’ll be the best parent ever. Don’t sweat it.
I was a dad in a similar situation. Mom couldn’t even leave the floor she was on for 2 months and the NICU was two floors below. I spent the time going between baby and mom giving each updates on the other. This was before mobile phones and streaming etc. I was able to show mom a few grainy Polaroids of baby, that was it. It was heartbreaking trying to take a snap in the first days with tubes everywhere. I’m tearing up now even thinking about it, and I’m a man’s man that never cries.
Bonding with baby was so weird in the hospital setting. It sort of happened but not really. However, once we got home it was incredibly easy and natural. Like someone threw a switch. In fact, that switch was thrown at exactly the moment we pulled out of the hospital car park. We actually had to stop on the way home to kind of mentally slap ourselves in the face and get over the giddyness of being parents to an amazing human.
Hospitals are just unnatural places. Once you get home OP all will be better than excellent 👌
Hi new mom, I am a premature NICU baby myself!
Was born at the end of the 6th month of pregnancy, exactly two months before the predicted birth date. I spent the first month and a bit in the NICU, my mom didn’t produce any milk.
I can’t imagine how tired and frightened she must have been, and how much she questioned if she was doing the right thing because nothing was going like it was supposed to. In the end, my mom and the doctors did an amazing job, I got supplements in addition to baby formula, and I grew up to be a healthy, sporty and happy adult with a loving family.
You got this, mom!
19+ years ago I had pre-eclampsia and had a C-section. I was at 28 weeks gestation. She was in the NICU for 4 months.
If there’s no medical reason not to, please tell the nurses that you want to do kangaroo care. It involves placing the baby (wearing only a diaper) against your bare chest. The baby regulates their body temperature and heartbeat to yours and doesn’t have to work as hard to regulate themself.
I would sit in the NICU in a glider with this little warm bundle against my chest for at least an hour a day. It really helped us bond.
ETA: Pre-eclampsia can happen at any age. There’s nothing you did to cause it and nothing you could have done to prevent it. Please let go of your guilt and shame. It isn’t serving you, it’s holding you back.
That sounds horrible, but bonds change and grow with time. My siblings were in the NICU for almost 3 months and are now both healthy adults with kids of their own. My mom has a closer relationship with my sister than she does with me, and that’s considering that my mom and I get along really well. They aren’t just mother and daughter, they’re good friends, too.
That said, I’m worried that you may be showing signs of postpartum depression. It’s worth getting checked out.
That you show up means there’s something there. Guilt is a mask after all. You’re here, you’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for and for all the ill in the world, you are not responsible for causing these circumstances. The body is a funny thing, and it acts in unexpected ways. I can already hear you fighting me on this point but I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be ok. You brought a child into the world because you wanted to, you didn’t run when it got hard and you’re still there.
I’m a man, so I cannot speak to a lot of things. But I am also the son of a mother who’s struggled her whole life and I can tell you from my heart that your presence means everything and when they get the machines and people out of your way I am confident you’ll be the greatest mom.
Be kind to yourself- you’re gonna be ok.
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. My daughter was born on time and came straight home from the hospital with me, and for a couple of weeks I felt like I was taking care of a nice baby but that she wasn’t mine. It was almost like I was waiting to some else to come claim her and I’d be like ‘oh, makes sense, here she is.’ It was really bizarre. I’m not sure exactly what changed or when but she turned one a couple of weeks ago and she is absolutely the light of my life. Bonding doesn’t happen at birth for a lot of us.
Hey. It’s okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Fellow nicu mama. Mine stayed for a month and I get the feelings. I understand not connecting with her. I didn’t connect with my daughter till around 5 months.
That instant connection? It just doesn’t happen for moms like us. The way the nicu staff described it was as a coping mechanism. Some small part of your brain is trying to protect you from her not making it. Even if she 100% will.
These next 6 to 8 months are going to be the hardest of your life. Do not try to enjoy them. Don’t force yourself to try to find joy in a horrific situation. Wake up each day for your daughter and remember this is temporary. Eventually she will come home. Eventually you will connect with her. Eventually everything will be okay. Repeat those three sentences like they are your religion to get through the first year.
You didn’t do this. It sounds like you had hypertension or preeclampsia? You didn’t do that. It wasn’t a choice. It happens and you did what you could to keep her safe. You went through a rough, tragic, traumatic experience in order to save your child’s life. You did amazing. And every day you show up for that little girl and yourself you are accomplishing something difficult and amazing.
If you have any support network, utilize it. You will need it. But even if you don’t have it you will be fine. Because eventually? Eventually everything will be okay.
Hey – you’ve been through so much! I wanted to share this with you as I know you want to feel that bond.
Have you heard of Video interactive guidance (VIG) it’s a strength based therapy and totally all positive.. It’s used for many reasons to help support bonds and relationships. It has been very effective with mum’s who are struggling and have experienced the same as yourself. It’s recommended by the NHS.
I’m training as a practitioner at the moment and VIG has helped every parent that I have worked with, it’s truly a positive journey.
I’ve included a link which explain what VIG. But if for some reason it won’t let me, please Google it and also look on YouTube.
https://www.videointeractionguidance.net/
https://youtu.be/YRVaL_ZlxHs?si=4kgkIT4j-I_R3r2u
You’re doing great, talk to the nurses about how you’re feeling!
Story time:
I’m 55, born 3 months early in the 1969. I was in an isolette for 2 and a half months. My parents didn’t TOUCH me for 76 days. The first time they touched me was the day they brought me home when I weighed 2.5 lbs at 76 days old. I was barely touched by anyone during this time, feed by a tube, etc. The theory was: any touching made me move, burn calories/energy and I needed all the energy/calories to gain weight.
My mom says she was so worried about not bonding with me. She didn’t need to worry; we are very best friends!
Hang in there mom! You will have a lifetime to cuddle and bond!
As she grows and gets bigger and stronger, you will be able to hold her more and interact with her and that helps a lot. In the meantime, read to her a lot (you can read anything; she doesn’t care. And she knows your voice already so she likes hearing it), ask the developmental therapist what you can do with her now, hold hands, change her diaper, get those high contrast image cards she can stare at, ask if you can help with her bath.
Being a mom in the NICU is simultaneously the happiest and saddest I’ve ever been. It’s really hard seeing your baby in a box. But I promise as she gets bigger, you will bond with her. Good luck to all of you.
Oh just adding as i forgot to mention – if you are interested in VIG talk with your midwife / health visitor they maybe able to refer you. Where i live, you can receive it free through the family hubs.
Take care love
Welcome to the mama club! First off it’s hard! Also my first baby was home with me and I didn’t feel like I bonded with her until later on. The world makes us think it’s a poof magical bond but I’ve discovered they take time to form just like any relationship. Give yourself some grace ❤️
Hey! My son was in the NICU for 115 days, and I had a difficult time connecting with him for a while, as well. Now he’s almost three and my number one bud! Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve been through (and continue to go through) so much trauma, and you haven’t had time to deal with any of it. This isn’t how parenthood is meant to start, and being thrown into it with this level of stress takes an enormous toll. Give yourself grace, I’m proud of you!
My daughter was also born 8 weeks early and had a 84 day NICU stay. I know how you feel about not feeling like yours because you aren’t even really allowed to touch her without help. Eventually the amount of wires will lessen and you’ll see how strong your baby is and it will bring you so much joy. It helped me feeling bonded by doing skin to skin, doing diaper changes (even if being supervised because of all the wires), and doing the wipes baths which eventually lead to a real bath. My husband would read to her, even if she was laying in “incubator” atleast she is learning you’re voice. And once she is able to eat from a bottle that really helps the bond as well. Unfortunately the NICU is a waiting game.
When we could bring her home, walking out of the NICU room was the happiest which no wires attached. Now my daughter and I could not be more alike. At 3 years old she is basically my twin in personality (the good and the bad)
Is it worth asking the NICU if they have an attached pyschologist or counsellor with the unit? My daughter went through open heart surgery when she was 9 days old, with a 6 week hospital stay – the nurses could see i was struggling, and referred me to the ward’s pyschologist. Just having someone to talk to about all my concerns really helped.
I had my son 13 weeks early and didn’t hold him until he was over a week old. It was SO hard and confusing and raw feeling at times. He didn’t feel like mine. He was in the hospital with all the wires, inside the incubator, and I couldn’t even hold him without asking the nurse first. It got a lot better as he got older and I could change his diapers, hold him, feed him, etc as needed without help. Eventually he came home and life went on as normal. Give yourself a break. Your reaction is normal. You’re coping with a very difficult situation and it comes with weird emotions, weird non-emotions. You’re also healing and hormonal from the sudden, drastic change that occurred with your body. You should reach out to the unit social worker if you need additional support. But give yourself a break because this is traumatic on many levels. However you feel is okay, even if you feel disconnected. It won’t always feel that way.
Why you maybe emotional, it’s most likely your post partum. Time will health as you gather good thoughts and maybe think of what you want to teach her growing up.
Oh my you’ve been through an intense trauma. Your body and mind are probably trying to process what has happened to you. Now add a whole tiny human life. That’s a lot. Give yourself some grace. The fact that you’re already worried about your baby, that you possibly could have done something different for a better outcome tells me you and baby are going to bond just fine. People don’t worry over things they don’t care about. It’s ok if you’re feeling a little numb right now. You’ve been through a lot your brain is just trying to protect you. Everything will be ok. Give it time.
I was a NICU baby, and adopted at birth! I am happy to report that my bond with my mom became really strong and still is 22 years later! And i was in the NICU for at least 3 months, maybe closer to 4-5. In all my baby pics you can see the incubator and wires and feeding tubes etc lol. Give yourself some grace and some time, and ask for help if you need it!
You’re an amazing Mom.
Also, my sister had preemie twins and felt uber guilty. Probably more common than you think.
Hold yourself gently, you’ve been through a lot.
NICU’s are scary AF, and I never had one in there until my last (#5). I did everything right, he just decided to show up before I was induced and skipped the part of orientation for womb dwelling that empathically states “Don’t drink/inhale the water when on the water slide”, otherwise known as meconium aspiration. His dad was a 6 week early baby because his mom had high blood pressure that was quickly becoming eclampsia. She had a hard time at first… said it got easier with every tube or whatever that came off him. She had a panic attack when she saw my son’s feeding tube. Talk to your baby. Hold/touch her any chance you get. It will get better, you just gotta get through this
I could have written this exact post nearly 13 years ago. Early cesarean, NICU immediately, no bond, guilt…. I feel your pain, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this heartache. I didn’t feel a bond with my daughter at all for about 6-8 months after she was born. She had colic, I had post partum depression and I attempted suicide on three separate occasions because of the guilt. Don’t feel bad asking for help if you need it. You may not see it now, but I PROMISE YOU, there is light on the other side. Good luck, Momma.
You feel like you don’t make a difference to her, but believe me, you do, your presence does.
My baby was in the ICU for 17 days after his birth, before he passed away
I felt useless, I couldn’t do anything, I felt a lot of guilt (I still do, even more so now) I could barely touch him, I only talked to him and rarely touched him, I never picked him up, cleaned him or did anything else, I thought my presence there was irrelevant, until the day he passed away.
There would be many things to talk about, both before that day and about the day itself. The doctors warned me that he probably wouldn’t survive as his saturation had been low for days and it hadn’t stabilized. After that moment, when I finally went in to see him, when I stopped near his ICU, his saturation dropped absurdly (the biggest drop in the last few days of instability), they quickly placed him on my lap (for the first time), I talked to him saying that I didn’t want to see him continue to suffer, I “freed” him, it was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. He spent more than an hour on my lap, against the doctors’ expectations, his heart was still beating, so I asked to put him back in the ICU (because for me, if with the extremely low saturation for that time he hadn’t died, it was because he was clinging to life, and I knew that in my lap, if his heart stopped, he wouldn’t be revived), when they took him off my lap, I went outside to change the mask and came back (it took about 15 seconds)
Then his heart stopped, I don’t know if it was immediately when he was taken off my lap or during the second he left the room.
(the doctor decided that resuscitation would only prolong his suffering and informed me that she would not do it)
Anyway, what I want to say is that you can’t imagine how your presence, your smell, your touches make a difference to your daughter, she knows exactly who you are, and your bond is deeper than you can imagine, don’t underestimate that.
I wish you strength, be careful with possible signs of postpartum depression, I wish your daughter good health
Mama, I am sending you love. My child was born full term but spent a week in the NICU and it DESTROYED my mental health. You are in a much more extreme situation, it’s extremely normal for your emotions to be all over the place. You are a good mom. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault.
Please reach out for help. Tell someone in the hospital how you are feeling; there is nearly always a social worker who will visit with NICU families, and if not, ask someone on your baby’s team for help connecting with support for NICU parents. Who do you have in your life who has your back? Tell them what’s happening and ask them to support you emotionally. Do you have a doctor? Ask them to help you find a formal support group and a mental health professional to talk to.
You are good. You are a good mom. Your baby already loves you. You are doing something unbearable and I’m proud of you.
You’re already showing up as a good mom. Even when your heart is breaking, even when you’re full of doubt, you’re there. Sitting at her bedside, keeping vigil. That matters.
The guilt you’re feeling is so common among NICU parents, but it’s misplaced. Preeclampsia and high blood pressure are not things you caused by not “taking care of yourself.” They’re unpredictable medical conditions, and getting your baby out when you did likely saved her life and yours. That wasn’t selfish—it was brave.
And about not feeling the bond yet? That’s okay. So many mothers (especially NICU moms) don’t feel that immediate rush of love. You’re grieving the birth you hoped for, the early cuddles you didn’t get, the helplessness of watching others care for your baby while you’re stuck on the sidelines. That’s not failure. That’s trauma.
Sometimes the bond is a slow burn. It’s built in tiny moments, like the first time she curls her fingers around yours, or opens her eyes and tracks your voice. That bond is real, even if it’s quiet right now. And it will grow.
This happened to me !! I think I may have had some PPD.
I always blamed part of that being in the NICU. The hormones I made to bond never understood I had the baby and it was alive. But I promise you it gets better. It’s not easy, but I learned to tell myself it was okay, and take it one day at a time. I love her more than anything. She became everything to me and still is.
My twins were 5 weeks early via emergency c section and very small for their gestational age (4lb). Same as you they were pretty much whisked away. They spent 12 days in NICU so a relatively short time, but it was the worst 12 days of my life. I had no bond with them for 25 days (I distinctly remember the realization I did, it was in the morning when the sun hit their faces and they grumbled in their bassinet).
It’ll come. NICU and emergency C section are traumatizing and the only way to get through it is to just… get through it.
Ugh I am so sorry. Having to leave your baby in the NICU right after they’re born literally feels like the worst day of your life over and over and over again. My daughter was born 7 weeks early, severely IUGR due to preeclampsia. She spent 27 days in the NICU. It is SO hard to feel bonded to your child when you can’t be with them whenever you want, when you have to ask permission to hold them. I think it is so normal to feel what you’re feeling.
I didn’t feel bonded to my daughter for a few months after she was discharged. It was hard to truly feel like her mom for a bit. But, she’s almost two now and we have the strongest bond!
Also, I totally get looking for ways to blame yourself. Like what did I do wrong to make this happen? And the truth really is, nothing. This happened because it just does sometimes. You are a great mom already. You are showing up for your daughter in any way you can. I know how hard this is, but you will get through it and you will feel that bond with your daughter.
There are some really great Instagram pages that might help you feel less alone in this. @preemiehood @thebirthtrauma_mama @nicu.warriors @dearnicumama
Hi there! I’m a triplet mom to nicu babies. They were 26 + 6 when they were born and spent 105,112 and 118 days in the NICU.
It was the weirdest thing looking at them in their isolettes. I would see them and I knew that they were mine but they didn’t feel like mine.
They’re 6 now and looking back on things, at that time, that’s what I needed to feel. If I had the connection and love that I do for them now, I mentally wouldn’t have been able to survive their stay. But also, take care of yourself during this time. Your baby has never been in safer hands than they are right now. Go home, sleep, shower. Recover.
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
You’ll be a good mom. Give it time. I didn’t have a NICU child but I didn’t feel the love or attachment most speak of. When my son turned 6 months everything changed. It’s a wild ride and hard af at times with our hormones. Don’t give up on yourself or your baby. Take one day at a time.
If this feeling persists when you get home with baby, ask for treatment for postpartum depression. A stressful start like this makes you higher risk for it. I thought I was a terrible mom for the first 12-18 months. Then the fog lifted and it turned out I LOVED my daughter, I just couldn’t feel it when my brain was f***ed. PPD is huge and real and doesn’t always look like sitting around crying. It can look like dissociating, wishing your baby wasn’t there, rage, total numbness, etc. If your doctor doesn’t listen, go see another one. I had a better doctor with my second kid and got help much faster. My oldest turned 8 today and she’s the most wonderful thing in my life. It gets better.
Give yourself some love and grace mama. Even having perfect healthy body these things happen. I hated my body when my first was born because she couldn’t tolerate cow milk proteins from the dairy I ate in the breast milk. With my last two (twins) I had a c section too and felt very disconnected from them for over a month. We had no nicu time but a c section. I was just on autopilot taking care of them for a long time. Then things clicked and the love grew and has kept growing for two and a half years. It will click, it will happen. You can’t hate yourself into love. Try to accept things as they aren’t instead of beating yourself up wishing they were different. You will have a bond with your daughter. Give yourself time and love and her time and love
Here’s a fact – lots of Mums in your situation and less extreme situations as well feel like this. Give yourself a break, this is really hard situation. You’ll look back on it in just a few months with a baby you adore wondering how you ever felt this way
I’m a NICU mom too! It takes time, I swear I didn’t feel a real connection until I started to see her smiles & knew that she recognized me (and it takes longer for our early babies to get to that point!). I also think that by having our babies early, we missed the time when you are really pregnant, slowing down and really have time to think about and process that you’re going to have a baby soon. In time that guilt goes away as you see her gain weight and thrive. ❤️
Queen, these feelings and experiences are probably much more common than any of us realize. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with them, still though. It sucks, and you’re valid to feel like it does. Def have a chat with your doc about PPD and these feelings – they can prob help a lot more than we can! 💖
You are a good mom and she knows it. I’m a NICU baby who had 2 NICU babies myself. It is a hard place to be. Sometimes the only thing you can do for your baby there is show up. It really does make a difference. Ask about kangaroo care. Maybe your daughter isn’t ready for that yet and that’s ok but it is a good goal. Maybe for now you can hold the tube vertically while she eats?
You didn’t fail. Your body did the best job it could and you made good decisions that are helping your baby in the NICU. Your daughter will get bigger and stronger and you will be there to notice and to see it and by the time she comes home you will be a pro. You’re getting a chance to learn all her tiny micro cues that will help you when she’s bigger too.
You need to speak to a doctor. There are already many reasons why your emotions may not be your own, and why this can be incredibly hard. Add in a premie and the stress is huge. You can get help with this, and it’s totally normal how you are feeling.
My kid was also 8 weeks early. We were ultra prepared. Wife was in great shape. Did everything we could to make it perfect. He still came 8 weeks early. And he’s fine, and so are we. A beautiful 8 year old boy now. I still have ptsd thinking about the wires and being in the NICU, but it was just a moment. A hiccup. Use this time to get well for your baby. It will come and there’s nothing wrong with you for how you feel right now.
Former NICU mom here, and it’s definitely scary and hard. But you’re also learning your baby can sleep through anything (beeping, lights on) and it’s preparing you for home and life too. When you’re both finally home and past the trauma of this time, the rest will come. Practice self care, and enjoy the times when your little one falls asleep on you.
as a first time mom, i’d say it took me almost a year to fully feel that “bond” with my daughter. i have to remind myself that the immediate/ultimate bonding moment doesn’t necessarily happen right away for everyone, and that’s okay 💞 you’re doing great mama, keep your head up!!
I was in nicu for two months and I love my mom it’ll happen don’t worry
I once heard the term “a good mom is one who worries” and feel like that applies here. Stay strong, this feeling is only temporary.
Holy shit this hits hard for me. My sons mother had a difficult pregnancy and emergency c-section. I was off work for 5 month to look after my son because she had 0 attachment or interest in him. Formula fed and all that because no breast milk and lord knows she tried hard. That battle really upset her.
Op PPD is so fucking common in these cases; talk to the nurses in the nicu; they’re the nicest people and the best care for you baby. Making friends with the nurses will make it seem less cold and warmer and more inviting. They can also help you talk to someone about your feelings. The fact that you’re there with your baby says a lot about how much you care. And the guilt you feel also says you care. Even though it’s not the first emotion you feel currently there is a bond there. But please Op; take to someone and seek help and support so you can get over your feelings of guilt and really bond with your baby.
Hi momma – I’m a first time mom to a 3 month old baby boy who spent his first three weeks in the NICU. I know exactly how you feel since I just went through this.
It’s so, so hard, and the anxiety of managing the wires, all of the beeping and constant alarms, trying to bond, not knowing when your baby will come home, and keeping up with everyone asking for updates… it’s horrible.
While I was in it, it truly felt like it would never end. The days felt like years. Even though my husband was present, it felt like such an individual journey for me. I just want you to know that you are not alone, your baby WILL come home, and things will get better. You’ll never get those precious newborn weeks at home like you imagined (I struggle with this) but the day your baby comes home will be so, so sweet. There are many silver linings to the NICU that you will notice when you reflect one day.
Put your head down and get through this however you need to. If for you, that means not bonding, that’s okay. You will bond when she is home, I promise you. You will have many wonderful years together and though the NICU was the start of your journey together, it will not define your relationship. Stay strong girlie!!!
It gets better, both my babies were NICU babies and it sucks to not be able to do what you want when you want to with your babies, but it will get better. My first came at 31 weeks and my second at 34.
I did not have the NICU experience, but I did have a C-section with my first and I felt the same as far as bond goes. Something about not being able to participate in the birth for me. One thing that I did to enforce the bond was extra kisses. Once you are able, the kisses will remind you that she is yours and that you aren’t just babysitting someone else’s baby. The bond will come, be patient with yourself and give yourself grace.
Hey, new dad and hospital chaplain here.
This is a trauma response. It will get better. Your baby is getting the care they need.
You experienced birth trauma this is understandable. Are you able to go to therapy during this time?
I had a NICU baby too. Please talk to your provider. You shouldn’t feel this way. Please get some help ♥️
I had 2 separate pregnancies 2 years apart where my babies were born 9 weeks early. They both spent many weeks in the NICU. One was in the NICU for 4 weeks and the other stayed for almost 8 weeks. I spent the time pretending that they were still buns in the oven and just needed time to grow and feed. I had no choice but to return to my corporate job in both instances until they were released from the hospital. I would work my 8 hour shift Monday to Friday and then spend the evenings at the hospital. My kids are now 19 and 21 years old and I have amazing relationships with them both. I assure you that this will not affect your relationships in the long run, though do recommend that you seek out counseling for any post partum depression. One of the most significant challenges that I had was with them both achieving their developmental milestones at their own pace compared to my other friends who had babies within a close timeframe. It’s very challenging not to compare. One of my kids never crawled and instead scooted on her butt everywhere, which possibly has nothing to do with being premature. 🙂 She didn’t walk until almost 18 months. My other didn’t walk until 15 months. Your baby will achieve its developmental milestones on its own schedule… there is no rush.
It’s really, really hard to bond with a baby that has been whisked away from you within a minute of birth.
Stop being hard on yourself, this isn’t a punishment for something you’ve done wrong. You’re going through a very stressful, emotional time and all of your emotions are valid. There is no magical time when our bodies are ready to produce babies effortlessly. Sometimes babies are born needing a little bit extra help and that’s nothing you did wrong.
All you need to do at this exact moment is keep showing up for your daughter. Keep holding her hand, ask for assistance, learn all you can about caring for her and keeping her safe. Okay, you’re not nursing her. Fortunately we live in an age where there are very good alternatives and no one ever said you can’t bond with a baby by bottle feeding. You absolutely can.
Things will change as she gets stronger and the wires and tubes come off and you can hold her. When you can change her nappy and bathe her and dress her and she smiles and coos and giggles at you.
You’re going to be fine and so will she. This will be a little blip in your journey to motherhood but you’ve got so many happy times ahead to void that blip.
once she’s home, the bond will gradually develop, tho you may be unaware of it as it’s happening. people don’t babies and start with no bond. people adopt pets and start with no bond. people meet others and have no bond, but go on to be friends or even get married. people develop bands with places and even toys and so on. it’s what we do. we bond.
The bonding will occur. Your primary focus amd concern is that the baby is receiving the best care possible to ensure a long healthy life.
If you can carry a tune, hum some lullabies to her. She’ll listen and remember them. The skin to skin is also very important. The day she smiles at you is the day that you’ll be in love with her. My best to you.
If your blood pressure was from preeclampsia that’s not your fault (technically it’s the father’s) and it’s not really avoidable.
My babies were born at 33 weeks due to severe pre-e too. They spent about two months in the NICU. The bonding has really happened since we got home. It’s been slowly and steadily deepening as I get to know their personalities and get to just chill with them in private (quiet in bed hugs alone together have been the best).
Guilt still hits me sometimes, but it’s lessened as they’ve become regular term babies.
It is hard to have a baby in the NICU, but like others have said, open up to your nurses. I promise you, you aren’t the first mom they’ve heard this from. It is hard to truly bond with your baby when they’re connected to tube’s and wires, but with time, it will get easier. Don’t be so hard on yourself, this isn’t an easy experience
> deserves a good mom
She’s got one, you just don’t know it yet. You’re gonna be ok!
Do not fall for the instant connection stories. Connection can take time and you guys have some SERIOUS hurdles going on.
But it starts with showing up.
Keep showing the fuck up. Keep singing to your baby, keep talking to your baby. Keep touching your baby.
If allowed, HOLD YOUR BABY.
If not allowed, do the above.
Connection takes time, and it starts just by showing up. Keep going. And take your time.
My oldest daughter, now four, has a genetic disorder and we spent months in the hospital her first year- NICU, open heart surgery, spine surgery, infections and procedures…
I remember when they wheeled me to her nicu room before bringing me to my own. I looked at this tiny little baby I had never met and whose future was unknown. I looked at the nurse and I told her I couldn’t feel anything. She told me that was okay.
I vividly remember the moment, when she was almost two, that I realized and accepted that she wasn’t going to die. That my role could finally be more “mom” than “nurse/therapist/advocate/care taker….” and I could drop the wall and love her fully. I sobbed realizing I could finally dream of the future without fear.
You’ll get there.
Does the hospital have a support group for parents? Ours did and it was an invaluable resource. I actually made a whole group of friends whom I’m still very close with. I also suggest therapy! I had one who specifically worked with women with medically complex children and idk what I would have done without her.
Finally, if a feeding tube is something that is discussed, please know that a Gtube really isn’t that bad or scary. And don’t go home with the NG, it’s a pain.
You’ve got this, mama.
The fact that you feel bad about your missing feelings does show that you care about her. I think it’s you just feeling disappointed that you couldn’t forge that bond once she arrives. Once you’re able to fully hold her and interact with her, you’ll be able to feel the connection. Don’t be hard on yourself, you did everything you can and you just have to wait till she’s stronger to show her all the love you want. <3
I was a NICU nurse and I am going to make some recommendation. Do lots of kangaroo cuddles and do as much of your babies cares as you can. You can do the feeds (the nurses can teach you what you need to do) and ask if you can hold your baby. Kangaroo cuddles are a great way to bond. Wear a shirt and unbutton the front and hold the baby directly on your skin for as long as you want. A blanket can be placed over baby for warmth. The nurses can work around you. It helps bonding. The more you do this, the better.
I was an emergency c-section, NICU baby having mum too. He was my third and I had a shitty pregnancy with high BP and pre-eclampsia and he was 6 weeks early when he was yanked out of me and taken directly to the NICU. I didn’t see him for 5 hours after he was born. He just didn’t feel like mine. I held him and had him against my chest but it just felt like make believe. He was tube fed as well so even that felt off, like I really wasn’t doing anything.
I couldn’t bond in the NICU either. Its just overload. Too many noises and other babies and their families and emergencies with alarms going off everywhere and when you do get to hold them its usually with wires and tubes and you don’t want to hurt them so its just not a huge bonding experience.
It does get better, once they are home and you are in a familiar environment the bonding can begin. I have a theory that NICU babies can sleep through anything because they are so used to all the noises around them from early on that nothing phases them!
Don’t beat yourself up, it does feel like shit now, but what your feeling is normal because this is not a normal situation. Your body did its job for 32 weeks and you can’t change what happened, all you can do is look forward and take every day as it comes.
You got this!
Don’t worry, it will come. Mine had a feeding tube as well and was in for 4 months. The bond took about a year. But it came super strong. She’s getting ready to turn 18 and is happy, healthy, affectionate, and we’re close. It was a rough start like yours is, but there’s lots of sunlight at the end of the tunnel.
My godson was a NICU baby and his mother found this resource super helpful when processing the trauma. She wishes she’d found it while he was still there, so I hope it helps. You’re going through an impossible thing and please give yourself grace. https://www.dearnicumama.com/
These answers are great and I hope you’re reading them. I’d like to add 2 things.
Firstly, due to a traumatic birth, I did not bond with my daughter right away. I had similar feelings. How can she be mine? I also had PPD which was not well treated by my doctors. It actually took me about 8 months to form a bond with her. Sometimes it just takes a while.
Also, I have found in fact that the truly shitty parents never think they are shitty. They never worry they did the wrong thing. They never question their choices. So the fact you are wording means you care. It means you will be a good mum.
Hi! Congratulations on your beautiful baby. You did nothing wrong and you’re going to bond absolutely fine!
I had a totally healthy pregnancy and went into early labor and ended up with an extremely painful delivery with no anesthesia. It took several months for the genital area to heal…I’ll leave it at that . He couldn’t feed properly and got sick and the whole time was…tough.
And I cannot even explain…truly no words…how much I love my son. He came home and just…it will be fine. I promise you. I’m tearing up writing this.
Look…you’re worried about her and how to love her! So you’re a good mom. Think of all the incredible adoptive parents!…many didn’t even meet their babies for months…or even years, getting to know them as toddlers. And they love them unconditionally.
Use this time to tell the nurses how you feel…they will get you the help you need! Please please tell them.
Maybe skin to skin contact is possible too.