TL;DR my ex and current FWB told me after sex that he’s buying condoms for his vacation and I’m having lots of complicated feelings on what to do with them.
Hello all! So my ex (37M) of a few years ago and I (33F) have reconnected a few times over the years, most recently having been dating all summer until late September when we split after my birthday trip (amicably, I’m in school and now live a few hours away and have zero free time). We were exclusively banging, because we both are people who – for our own reasons – need to feel safe and loved and most importantly, trust the person we are with when being intimate with a partner.
We hadn’t seen each other since we split, he was doing some work on learning how not to be constantly in a relationship (and doesn’t have sex outside of relationships) and I don’t have time to date in the slightest. He was calling a lot before the trip to talk for hours, bought me a thoughtful present, we are going to start writing old school letters to each other – pretty “exclusively only care about intimately being with you like it’s always been” stuff – or so I thought.
While visiting for the weekend, we had just had sex for the first time in 6 months and we are chatting a little about how I’m moving to a foreign country in 4 months. He seems very excited for me as he has been there and was going over everything I should see – however, I do get a sense of sadness from him about my leaving to be somewhere where this thing between us will come to an official end. Anyways, we get on to the topic of how I think this country has great street porn 😂 He is and has always been “disgusted” by the thought of having sex with someone you don’t know, and I BRIEFLY mention I’ve done it many times in my youth. He says “I really don’t want to hear about that. Is there any reason you feel you need to tell me about it?” I said no, conversation closed. No biggie! Right? Wrong!
He then begins talking about his upcoming vacation to a foreign country next week. He says he’s excited because it’s the first time he’s ever been single for a vacation and “Oh! I’m gonna have to buy condoms” – um… excuse me?? WHAT did you just say?? I think I just laughed, honestly can’t remember because I was a little too shocked to be mad – especially considering he just mentioned to me SECONDS AGO how he didn’t want to hear about me with unknown partners from ~15 years ago. We don’t use condoms together, so He says “well if I do happen to use them I want you to know I’ll be safe. And I trust that you/trust you to do the same.” I then say that I’m not sleeping with anyone else, and haven’t been with anyone else since we last were together and have no desire to be with anyone else. He smiled, got all cure, and said, “Really?? Hmmm” as if very pleased to hear that.
My first thought, knowing him well by this point, especially his not really liking the thought of me getting railed by anyone but him, was “Is he saying he’s taking condoms in this context just a messed up inquiry/test to see if I’ve been fucking anyone else?” But then the more I started thinking about it all after returning to my city, I began feeling very uncomfortable about him maybe being serious about it and fucking randos on vacation.
I wish I would have spoke up in the moment, but I’ve been ruminating on this ever since. I don’t feel as though I should ask/talk to him about it before his trip and ruin it for him. He works hard and this trip is much deserved for him. I told him in the moment “Well..you deserve to have fun if that’s what you end up wanting to do!” because, he does! I feel as though I don’t have the right to be upset by this – but I am 🙁 He never got a “wild phase” like I did, he is technically single – but we have never slept with other people – and he knows my feelings about it – and to mention it openly? – and also, I’M MOVING! How am I allowed to be mad when I’m moving abroad and he will be truly left alone?
We had such a lovely “date-y” weekend together, and that thrown in the middle just seems so.. odd? Out of place.
My tarot cards (lol I know) said to let the whole relationship go as it’s a thing of the past and I’m headed to an exciting future path. I plan to when I move, starting a new life. So, if this even worth bringing up? I don’t even want to hear about the trip when he comes back now. I just don’t like the idea of having sex with him again before I go or being in the type of intimate dynamic we are if he’s banging random women on vacations. That’s just, not me. But he is also not entitled to me.