Hi everyone. I’m a female undergraduate student and I work closely with a male graduate student who is much older than me. We became friends because we are working on the same projects, but after a while he began flirting with me subtlety. I confronted him and told him it made me uncomfortable and that seemed to scare him enough that I thought everything was resolved and he wouldn’t bother me. Well, he gave me a gift recently that is worth quite a bit. It was a very personal gift and he didn’t get our other coworkers anything. He also waited until we were alone to give it to me. This obviously made me feel very uncomfortable but I didn’t know what to do so i accepted it. I asked my friends for their thoughts about this and they said that I was basically overreacting and that it’s no big deal. But I can’t shake the feeling that there is something going on/there’s an agenda here. I’m also worried that if people find out about this they’ll question all the hard work I’ve done during my research and say it’s because this guy likes me or something. What bugs me is that I didn’t ask for this gift at all. Never implied I wanted anything from him. What should I do?
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This is absolutely inappropriate on his end. You are not overreacting. Im sorry this is happening.
Personally, I would bring it up with a superior I trust. Your lab manager, advisor, university HR, etc. Any of these entities should be able to help you or direct you to someone who can, it just depends on who you’re most comfortable talking to.
Hard agree on the above and I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I’ve noticed that grad students sometimes have a hard time maintaining boundaries with undergrads and sometimes still see themselves as being part of the same group, despite having a lot of power over undergrads in their classes and that they supervise in research. I would bring this to your PI’s attention and hopefully they can instill in the grad student the importance of professionalism in the workplace.
Yeah that’s not cool – it’s your right to feel safe / not have to worry about that stuff in your work environment. I’d make it clear to him that you think it’s inappropriate (as coworkers, basically). If you don’t feel comfortable saying anything to him or he keeps doing things like that I’d definitely find some I trust (e.g. your PI, another older grad student, an old professor, ombudsperson, etc) to get help dealing with situation.
This is an uncomfortable situation and unfortunately I’ve been in a similar one, although I was a fresh out of undergrad tech and the other person was a middle aged married man with kids in a more senior position to me within the lab. It can be very confusing. I have gone back and forth for years on my views on the friendship, oscillating between viewing it as harmless to an abuse of power. You did the right thing by confronting him on the flirting, 100%. He didn’t fully resolve that his actions are inappropriate. The gift is clearly making you uncomfortable. Have you considered giving it back and saying you’re not comfortable, and making that very clear? Have you talked to your PI in private about it?
My university explicitly prohibits a relationship between a graduate student and undergraduate student when that graduate student is in a direct position of authority over the undergraduate student. I imagine most universities do; I’d check their policies.
From the perspective you’ve shared, he clearly wants to further his relationship with you beyond professionalism, and you do not. If I were in your position, I would return the gift and explain to him that I could not accept his gift for the reasons that you’d already given him, particularly mentioning my commitment to professionalism. I would also remain steadfast in my commitment to this decision. However, I would not be cold about it, despite plenty of reason to be so. I would make every effort to explain this as compassionately and kindly as possible, but at the end of the day, this man appears to be wearing his heart on his sleeve so it looks difficult to spare his feelings. It is unfortunate when people do this, but as a woman, I am sure you are mindful to the fact that some men have learned to wear their hearts on their sleeves despite the hurt it causes them or others in order that they may have their way. You are not unkind for choosing to do what you are doing, you are simply prioritizing professionalism. However, it is worth pointing out that you seemed to take an interest in his age, which makes me wonder if he’d been closer in age to you, would your behavior for him have been different? The reason for rejecting this man, in that case, would not be because you favor professionalism, but that he is in fact too old. If you do not prioritize professionalism, then, for the sake of integrity, you may simply point out to him that he is just too old for you. There is really nothing wrong with rejecting a man’s advances for either reason, you know.