What can I do about my decade+ long friendship (me M39 and her F37) being in limbo?

I’ve been struggling with a very painful friendship situation and would really appreciate some outside perspective.

A friend [F37] and I [M39] have known each other since our teen years (over 20 years ago) in our country of origin—back then we were more like acquaintances. Years later, we both ended up living in a different country, and we reconnected. In the last 10-12 years in particular, we became much closer. I offered her a place to stay whenever she visited before moving here, and even let her live with me temporarily. Our friendship grew from there—we talked constantly, hung out often, and for a while, I truly felt we were each other’s emotional anchors.

But over time, I began to feel like the emotional support and loyalty were becoming one-sided. I was always there when she needed something, when plans fell through with others, or when she was going through something—but I started realizing that when I needed her, she wasn’t showing up in the same way. I began to feel like I was becoming a fallback person or even a backup bf, not an equal friend.

I developed deeper feelings for her and I told her, along with my concerns of the imbalance of loyalty. She didn’t reciprocate, which I already expected, but she was very sweet about it, reassured me of our friendship, and even commended me on my honesty. Because I didn’t want things to get more complicated or uncomfortable for her (she’s said before that she ends friendships once someone shows romantic interest in her..), as well as to give me time away from her to shed those feelings, I was the one who suggested either taking some space or ending the friendship entirely. She initially didn’t seem to think either was necessary, almost making me an exception to her rule, only saying that it leaves me with a “?” in terms of how to explain me to a future boyfriend, but agreed on a short period of no communication – more about having a hard reset where we were not talking almost everyday as if we were a couple. My hope was that with time, we could find our way to a more balanced friendship. She reassured me that I was important to her and that we’d be fine.

When I reached out as agreed about a month later (around her birthday), she was acting off. She thanked me for the message but did not want me at her birthday celebration because she wasn’t “ready to socialise in a group setting just yet.” Still, she said she valued my friendship and wanted to speak one-on-one the following week and “get back on track”. That talk kept getting postponed for weeks. Meanwhile, I saw her making time for others, hosting gatherings, and clearly engaging socially—just not with me. It was hurtful and I felt like I had been cast out of an entire social group because of it (she’s sort of the queen of her clique, which she impressively managed to form quite quickly despite still being relatively new out here.)

When we finally did talk, on the week of my birthday, she seemed cold and distant, despite claiming to “still want to be friends”. She contradicted past things she’d said, and even lied about details I know weren’t true. She never really offered a real reason for her behaviour (it was the first year of my dad’s passing the week before and she didn’t even want to hug me.) Instead, she was almost claiming that me not being invited to certain things was either by accident or justified because it was dinners/parties in honour of someone else (even when it was a mutual friend who had been to my birthdays and things, therefore not being a good enough reason in my eyes.) It felt like she had emotionally checked out long before I even realized something was wrong. I guess I also somehow forgot to ask the simplest questions of why this is all happening like this and if I did anything wrong, hoping that she would just be honest and say that it was because of something I did or said, or that she had changed her mind and had to push me away. The most she said was something about how no one in her life besides me had made her feel bad about not spending enough time together, to which I then pointed out was not true because of a female friend of hers complaining about the same thing. Her response to that felt the most real thing she said all evening – “yeh, and I’m barely speaking to her at the moment, either, because I got fed up of it.” So…this is all punishment for that? I don’t know… I left more confused than beforehand. She’s mostly saying nice things that suggests reconciliation…yet her actions are pushing me away. I’ve been thinking – could this be self sabotage?

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection—I know my feelings may have made me more emotionally invested, and I’m aware that friendships can shift. But it hurts to feel like I was quietly phased out, especially after everything I gave and how much I valued the bond we had. I even feel replaced by people I introduced her to, to whom she has gotten closer.

I’m stuck now—do I confront her about the inconsistencies and how much her recent behavior has hurt me? Or do I sweep it under the rug and try to make things right on her terms? Or do I let go and try to find closure on my own? The friendship is more important to me than a romantic relationship. Part of me still hopes the friendship can be repaired. Another part wonders if I was holding onto something that wasn’t mutual for a long time.

If anyone’s gone through something similar—how do you know when it’s time to walk away? And is it ever worth trying for closure..again?

TL;DR: Reconnected with an old acquaintance and became close friends after moving countries. I developed feelings and took space to preserve the friendship, but when I reached out again, she started acting cold, excluded me from things, and seemed to have emotionally checked out. Not sure whether to confront her or let go quietly.