Cw: self harm
I don’t know why, but throughout my entire life whenever I have done something wrong, I have punished myself. It started as a child when I would get in trouble, I would rip my hair out and scratch myself. As I got older, it became punching myself. And then when I was older, it became cutting.
It doesn’t even have to be because of something I did, if something goes wrong and I personally feel I am to blame, I just immediately sink back into that mindset. It is SO embarrassing and SO shameful and I feel pathetic. Like I’m that little girl in the corner, ripping her hair out again.
I take the blame for any and everything, because I find fault in everything I do. That is by far my biggest mental battle that I don’t know how to deal with or overcome. Here I am, approaching my 30s, spiraling again with everything around me feeling like it’s crumbling with my birthday just days away… I am sad. I feel to blame. I feel alone.
I’m terrified because the last time I hurt myself years ago I completely blacked out and lost all self control, I ended up cutting through all layers of skin into my adipose tissue. Between wanting to harm myself and getting flashbacks of the last time I did, I’m in mental anguish. I just want to do better so I can be better. I’m even trying to find my way to God in hopes I can learn to love myself through him if not myself, as silly as that may sound.
I started with a new company within the last month so unfortunately I don’t have any health insurance for a couple more months to see a mental health professional, but rest assured it’ll be one of my first appointments made. Until then, I just had to get this all off my chest.
Thank you for listening, Reddit.