So at the beginning of the year a “friend” of mine invited my girlfriend ans myself up to his parents cottage. It was him, his girlfriend and his other friend. We had an amazing time snowboarding and spending time around the campfire.
We were up there for 3 days. During those days we all had breakfast and dinner. The girls made the food and the guys did the dishes, host just sat around on their phone during the cleanup. Halfway through the trip the host asked us if we could pay for half of the grocery bill. I thought that was kinda weird considering they invited us up.
The last day the other friend had to leave early for work, so they just cleaned the room they slept in and put their laundry in the laundry machine and left. My girlfriend and I cleaned the entire kitchen, did the dishes, cleaned our room, cleaned outside and even vacuumed the cottage. Everything was clean and we told the host we were going to leave, it was a two and a half hour drive back to the city and we didn’t want to get stuck in traffic. The host then freaked out saying we were ungrateful leaving early and that we were leaving them to lock up. When I mean freak out I mean screaming and swearing at the both of us. Am I an asshole or are they the asshole?? I feel like we did more than enough
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So at the beginning of the year a “friend” of mine invited my girlfriend ans myself up to his parents cottage. It was him, his girlfriend and his other friend. We had an amazing time snowboarding and spending time around the campfire.
We were up there for 3 days. During those days we all had breakfast and dinner. The girls made the food and the guys did the dishes, host just sat around on their phone during the cleanup. Halfway through the trip the host asked us if we could pay for half of the grocery bill. I thought that was kinda weird considering they invited us up.
The last day the other friend had to leave early for work, so they just cleaned the room they slept in and put their laundry in the laundry machine and left. My girlfriend and I cleaned the entire kitchen, did the dishes, cleaned our room, cleaned outside and even vacuumed the cottage. Everything was clean and we told the host we were going to leave, it was a two and a half hour drive back to the city and we didn’t want to get stuck in traffic. The host then freaked out saying we were ungrateful leaving early and that we were leaving them to lock up. When I mean freak out I mean screaming and swearing at the both of us. Am I an asshole or are they the asshole?? I feel like we did more than enough
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> Am I the asshole for wanting to leaving early, and not wanting to pay?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I personally feel like there was just a lack of communication and no one is the asshole. Groceries are pricey HOWEVER they should not have waited to ask so late into the trip. That’s the kind of conversation you just don’t spring on someone mid-trip, that’s a pre-trip planning convo. So nah, you’re NTA.
**edit: I’m exhausted af so I just REALLY read the post again, the way they acted upon leaving is unacceptable. I’m sorry you went through that and I definitely think they are the asshole bc of their reaction.
Yeah that’s weird. Maybe just pay for a hotel room and the maids clean and you only have to buy your own meals.
It’s fine for a group to share in cost and cleaning ( or hire a cleaner and split the cost) but it should be agreed upon before a trip. It’s not typical with an invite to be asked to pay for groceries and clean other than after yourself as any good guest would do after the fact.
“The host then freaked out saying we were ungrateful leaving early and that we were leaving them to lock up. When I mean freak out I mean screaming and swearing at the both of us. Am I an asshole or are they the asshole??”
NTA. That’s strange. The host expected you to lock up? I’d think the host would want to do it to make sure it was done right and everything was done. Either something is missing or something is really off with your host. Like maybe they wanted you there for an alibi or something.
That’s an extreme reaction to what is clearly a miscommunication.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious what they were planning when they INVITED you and then turned it around to make you pay for groceries when you were already contributing to cleanup and cooking.
ESH. I would never go on a trip and not contribute and half the groceries sounds extremely reasonable. HOWEVER, none of your friend’s reaction makes sense nor warrants him throwing a tantrum. In what way did he think he needed your help to lockup? Why would leaving at a reasonable time be “ungrateful?”
Edit to add: Unless the host is a she and not a he and didn’t feel safe being there alone. Which isn’t crazy, but still not responded to appropriately.
The host does not know how to host.
NTA If you are paying for the groceries then you have the right to be involved in planning the meals and perhaps bringing your share with you.
one less friend, i guess. I think they are the asshole, but there wasn’t clear communication on either side about expectations.
NTA. You were invited, not booked as part of a Groupon cleaning crew. You helped cook, cleaned the whole place, and got screamed at for… leaving responsibly?
Asking for grocery money mid-trip is tacky. Freaking out over locking a door is unhinged. Your host’s idea of hospitality comes with a price tag and a tantrum. You’re good. They’re weird.
NTA. What a strange reaction. The only thing I can think is that he lied about it being his parents’ cottage and got in over his head renting something he couldn’t afford.
The screaming tantrum is super weird.
Beyond that, as soon as you are invited, the proper response would be “thank you. That sounds like fun. What can we bring to contribute?”
Then you are opening the conversation with an offer to contribute and you can discuss food/meals/ costs etc. really, your friend should not have had to ask for money for groceries. It’s a weekend away, not a 1 meal dinner party. You should have offered. Maybe the fact that he had to ask put him in a mood? Still no excuse for yelling.
As far as cleaning up, that’s not contributing, it’s just being an adult.
NTA. This friend is bad at hosting. They should have said up front that they were planning a group getaway and you’d be splitting expenses. Even without that up front I would have offered to split btw. But the way your friend demanded payment without agreeing originally was somewhere between rude and poor communication. But screaming at you at the end??? There’s nothing that warrants that treatment at all. I don’t care if you didn’t do any dishes and left the place a disaster. No one who is a friend freaks out on you like that. Cross that friend off your list.
There has to be more to this story.
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YTA as to the groceries. You should have offered to share the cost of groceries. Your friend shouldn’t have to ask—that’s just common courtesy.
I don’t know what to say about the yelling at the end—that part of your story doesn’t make much sense (are there additional facts that weren’t mentioned in your original post?).
YTA with the groceries. You were invited to a free cabin. Why wouldn’t you expect to pay your share for groceries? That’s what’s adults do on a trip. Share the grocery bill. As far as the blow up goes, very weird. I would never take them up on an invite again.
NTA but avoid this “friend”. Unless it was agreed upon when he extended the invitation, there should not have been an expectation that you pay for food, although you could have offered to bring some. His demand was not fair, in any case, as you did not eat half the food. LOL He was basically wanting to have all of you pay for his time away. Don’t be tricked into this again.
NTA
The responsibility for locking up a home is on the owner not the guest. You were gracious guests but he was a lousy host.
ESH obviously the leaving bit was weird and assholey behaviour however if you get invited to spend the weekend with a group like that you would surely not have to even be asked to contribute to all the food you’re all eating, jesus
You should always assume that you’re going to have to pay your own part.
An alternative would be to ask for clarification beforehand.
Assuming that someone else will pay the whole thing (even when they are the one who invited you) is a faux pas. With the exceptions being weddings and funerals.
Yta.
The accommodation is the gift. You have to contribute to food unless you’ve bought all the alcohol for everyone to share.
Otherwise you’re a complete freeloader.
ESH, being invited to stay at someone’s cabin for several days doesn’t mean they also pay for everything. The rest of the story isn’t really relevant to the question in your title and feels a bit like you included it to make your friend look worse… but I guess it worked since I’m voting ESH.
So the friend wants to invite people up for HIS parent’s cottage, have OTHER people cook and clean and pay for groceries, and then freaks out when it isn’t ‘enough’?
NTA…don’t associate with that person anymore…that ‘friend’ is an entitled creep.
ESH it doesn’t matter how many dishes you do or how much cleaning, you can’t go on a trip away and not expect to contribute your financial share. Cleaning up making sure the host isn’t out of pocket.
The host seems unhinged if that is the reaction they have to you leaving early. However, if you truly think cleaning up means you don’t have to pay your way, I do wonder if you did something else to insult them.
NTA. Is it possible he just woke up and didn’t know you had done all of that stuff? Because otherwise his reaction was mental.
I don’t think it was weird that he asked for half the groceries, although he should have made that clear during the initial invite.
Esh. He should have asked for grocery money up front. You got free lodging, paying for your food was the least you could do.
INFO:
What were the words he used when inviting you?
I have the feeling he never expected you to not contribute, especially since you’ve known him for so long.
I can’t even fathom a world where one person pays for everything-food and lodging, for six people. Unless your friend is making well into six figures, he offered a place for everyone to hang out, and was likely stewing all weekend waiting for anyone to chime in to at least offer to pay for food.
Doing dishes and cleaning up after yourself is always expected. You did the absolute bare minimum.
Do you often miss social cues like this?
YTA. Who gets free accommodations and doesn’t offer to contribute to groceries or other expenses. Cleaning up and cooking isn’t an equitable contribution that’s just being an adult. I’d be humiliated if this was my significant other.
YTA Cottages have different rules. You have to leave the place perfect for the next guests. The owner of course should be contributing to the last morning big clean, but sharing grocery costs and cleanup is just a given.
ESH. Yes, you should have expected to contribute towards the food all weekend.
And if you all had been cleaning up after every meal anyhow, how much cleaning of the kitchen was actually necessary on the last day?
But to yell and scream at you? THat’s weird. REALLY weird.
You may not want to accept invitations from this guy again.
YTA
You went to a cabin for three days and DIDN’T TAKE FOOD?? Or even ask what you should bring for food?! Wild.
Then got annoyed after being asked to at least pay for half the groceries? Maybe he didn’t plan on feeding you two and when you showed up with no food he was flabbergasted and pissed off but buried it because he was the host.
His freakout could have been a culmination of frustration over this. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour either but explains it for sure. He should have just called you out first thing but the initial and most egregious example of assholery is you OP.
If there were 3 couples why would you pay half? It should have been 1/3 of the groceries. But my main question is did you pay it?
YTA. Pay for 2/5 of the groceries- that is absolutely fair & standard. But never go on trips that require shared accommodations with that person ever again.
What the hell? You expect to have a free place to stay and they’re supposed to pay for your food? Yes, clean up. They invited you to a place for free. You should clean up. Yes, contribute to the food. In fact, you should’ve paid for more of the food or maybe taken them out to dinner. You sound like a terrible guest.
ESH. Paying half of the groceries is perfectly reasonable. Whenever my buddies and I go on trips like this we usually evenly split the grocery bill. A perfectly normal thing that for some reason you find outlandish. Your friend is an AH for not helping clean and freaking out on you for leaving.
YTA….you should always pay for your share of groceries. The host pays for the cottage itself….water , utilities , taxes etc…
Whenever we go to someone’s cottage , we always split up who brings what….easier to arrange ahead of time
Yes indeed you are TA! Your friend should not have had to ask you to share the grocery bill. Your answer should have been : no, no, thanks for inviting us to your beautiful place, I’ll pay for all the groceries…
I’m confused? After cleaning and doing the dishes (who finished early leaver’s laundry?), what else needed to be done for the closing, or LOCK UP?
NTA. Unless you’re all broke teenagers why would anyone assume you have to pay for food?
Has no one in these comments ever hosted before? You don’t invite people over and THEN ask them to chip in for food, that is disrespectful. Sure, maybe he could have asked “can I bring anything?” and maybe they did bring drinks or something but if someone says “come on over” and doesn’t say anything about food it’s implied that because they are hosting, they are covering that aspect.
ESH
My parents were very intentional as I was growing up about teaching me proper etiquette for being a guest in someone’s home or when invited out. I feel you maybe did not get taught the same, and it is going to be a detriment to you socially going forward unless you make an effort to learn.
If you are invited into someone’s home or out with them, you always attempt to do something or give something to show your gratitude. With a situation like groceries, always ask if you can pay your part. They may so no, but at least you asked and it shows common curtesy. That being said, your friend definitely should have mentioned it when inviting you, but you also should have brought it up when you were invited.
If you are visiting someone and especially if you are staying in their home, either bring a small gift of gratitude or pay for a meal out and always clean up after yourself.
ESH. Your friend sounds awful but why would you be expecting to not pay for food?
I am a cabin owner, family uses it and I rent it as a STVR.
I make abundantly clear the following:
If I invite you as my guests, you are responsible for your breakfast, lunches and we will each provide and prepare dinner one night in rotation.
Lunch is often out or a picnic.
If you rent the cabin during my high season, as a friend you pay the full rates. You are fully responsible for your meals.
If you rent the cabin during the low season, I charge a discounted rate and you are fully responsible for your meals.
OP you should have contributed to the meals, it is inexcusable that you didn’t.
Locking up a cabin, depending on season and location can be much more than locking the door behind you.
During winter months it can involve shutting off the water, draining the lines, putting RV antifreeze down the drains.
In the summer, shutting off the water.
Any season, thoroughly cleaning, remaking the beds, checking for locked windows and closing curtains.
Making sure any open packages of food are secured or disposed of.
Cleaning the fridge and stove.
Disposing of recycling and garbage.
You say you have known this fellow for years, was this your first trip to the cabin? Sounds strange.
He was probably waiting for you + the other guests to offer to chip in for food OR bring food for the vacation. Coming empty handed did warrant an ask from the host.
I would say ESH, it’s kind of expected to share expenses on a joint stay however I can see where you’d feel blindsided that it was brought up only part way into your vacation and not from the start. The friend screaming and swearing also makes them TA.