Honest question for the guys here: If you’re going through something tough financially or emotionally, what’s something non-cliché that actually helps you feel like you’re gaining control again?
Honest question for the guys here: If you’re going through something tough financially or emotionally, what’s something non-cliché that actually helps you feel like you’re gaining control again?
r/AskMen
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Actually gaining control.
Nothing else.
Talking to my therapist.
When I was younger and skint, I worked like a dog to make sure I wasn’t skint. Emotional stuff I divert myself with other things. My wife knows if something is bothering me and gives me a list of stuff to do. That works for me because I’d rather stick a dart in my temple that talk stuff through. Not for everyone, but it works for me.
Exercise. Helps clear my mind the rest of day/night.
Masturbating. For whatever reason, it just helps me clear my head and see things for what they are so that I can make a plan to overcome them.
Exercise, therapy, seeing my minimum payments for things go down. After my mom died I was kinda stuck with credit card debt and recently managed to clear my one card that I had a balance around 3k. One less card to pay each month. Now if I could just pay off my car and my other card faster…
Take control of things which you can control. Clean your room. Call your parents. Go for a walk.
Doing the dishes, working out, having sex lol.
Small victories, breakup was 3 weeks ago, talking about it, doing things, exercising in the country, all of it has sped up recovery
“This too shall pass.”
There is a Persian fable about a King (at least the way I heard it) who wanted a ring that was perfect for every one of life’s nuances. His spiritual advisor eventually gave him a ring with these words on it. It means that when you experience ups or downs, that they will eventually pass.
So, when life is tough, just know that these tough times will pass. The same is true for the good times; they too will pass.
I (51M) have found life to be exactly like this. Whether I thought I’d never get out of a rut or that things would just keep getting better, I was eventually wrong.
The key is just keep moving forward, toward the life you want and the person you want to be and keep a positive and humble attitude regardless of which side of the cycle you’re currently experiencing.
Good luck. I hope this helps!
The gym and exercise. It’s the cure all, at least temporarily.
Working 24/7…helping others…being there for those you love…knowing ur worth/value…having a positive attitude…also breathing helps lol.
I workout basically every day. It makes me feel disciplined and in control of my life. I know there are things I can’t control and they still cause me stress sometimes but the regular training lets me know that I’m in charge and it reduces my stress. The only problem is that after years of this lifestyle if I’m not able to workout i my default is to feel a loss of control. I just have to reassure myself that it’s okay and it’s just temporary and that exercise is meant to enhance my quality of life.
For anyone looking to get into shape I think this is the best way to approach it. It can’t be all or nothing and it should be seen as a way to enhance overall quality of life. Any aesthetic change is just an additional bonus. The best way to go about this is to make relatively small minimal changes over a long term that incrementally add up. I’ve always been active but for example when I started lifting weights I did 1-2 exercises a day for 35mins. It was relatively easy and I left a workout feeling like I could do more which makes it easier on the next one. I’ve seen so many people get fed up with a sedentary lifestyle and go all in from doing absolutely nothing. They can do it for a few months but eventually they realize it’s not sustainable and they give up.
I’ve always ascribed to Epictetus’ belief that life is not about what happens, but how you react to it.
The unsatisfying answer is “it depends.” There’s a big difference between someone whose challenges are primarily psychological and someone who is facing harsh physical challenges.
“I feel like a fraud at work, I don’t think my friends like me very much, and I feel like the grind is consuming my life” is a question of coming up with healthy coping methods.
I am much more skeptical that bullet journaling and mindfulness can resolve “I just got fired, my landlord just handed me an eviction notice, and I gambled the rest of my money away on DraftKings.”
Make a plan on paper on how you’re going to solve the issue. This way you know it’s doable and you’re going to focus solely on step by step progress.
“I got myself into this mess, it’s up to me to get myself out”
Challenge yourself
First- what others have said- wresting control. Cleaning up- tidying up the home, getting a haircut, finding some new threads that suit you.
And then
Getting a grip on whatever your vices are. Whatever you are buried in that tamps down your personality. For many men these days, it’s “Gooning,” and an abundance of pornography, or the normal booze/alcohol/drugs.
And then
Exercise, especially EXPRESSIVE exercise, like dancing or weaponplay. Or martial arts.
Fulfilling and creative hobbies– Writing to express myself, working something with my hands, singing, drawing/doodling
Academic hobbies– Learning new languages, going down a new topical rabbit hole.
Basically…. learning to find things interesting again will make life interesting again, hopefully to yourself first and foremost. And EXPRESSING oneself through hobbies allows one to experience catharsis.
THEN being social and hanging out with friends. Making new friends.
Lastly,
Putting oneself out there for new romantic pursuits using the newfound control, confidence, and interest.
All of this acknowledging, of course, that “Having control,” is not a permanent state of being. You will have hard days. You will probably relapse sometimes. We will never reach the zenith of near- perfection we had when we were born. And, yes, life’s a bitch then you die, but also life is more than that- life is CONSTANTLY healing and getting better.
For financial, I just remember I read
“I’m a Gen Xer and I’m about to live through my fourth “once in a lifetime” economic recession”
Figure out a solution and work towards it.
Fixing something in the house. Doesn’t matter how small—patching a hole, changing a lightbulb. If I can’t fix my life overnight, I’ll at least fix what I can touch
When it comes to financial problems, I just pick up additional hours at work or find something that I can do to get a little extra income. If it’s more something that’s maybe emotional, I get out in the sunshine and do more activities in the fresh air.
A schedule. Because then I feel productive and in control of my life. Anything with a lot of different variables, like an event, are are not “relaxing” in these situations for me. It makes everything worse when I go back to handling the problem. A vacation can be nice if I go there alone with the expectation of dealing with the problem. Not with family or expectations to do things. Just as a change of environment to cognitively seperate myself from regular burdens and focus.
sometimes i’ll go to walk just cause i remember im young, and im grateful to have legs, and there’s a chance i would not have legs so God’s so kind. I randomly flex my legs and wrists and thank god for them. Idk why, I think they’re so important.
Also ive had some neuro illness early so I recognise the importance of a healthy body.
“Cocaine Mark, Cocaine.” – Super Hans.
I’m actually working on a manuscript about this. Options and choices. Let me explain.
Have you heard the phrase, “I didn’t have a choice”? Or thought to yourself, “I don’t have an option”? Well, there is a reason that most of the times you hear or think those phrases is because you are without power or suffering because of a perceived choice you had to make. The reason is, options are power! The more options you have the more POWER you have!
But you thought money was power. Well, in a way, it is! Think about it. If you had plenty of money, you would have plenty of… options. Imagine, if you will, that you are facing 25 years in prison and don’t have money to afford a good lawyer. You might lament and say “well, this guy had this great lawyer and got him off or reduced his sentence to probation. If I just had enough money to pay for a better lawyer I could be free! I guess I have no choice but to face the music.” In short, the more access to liquid assets gives you more options, thereby giving you more POWER.
But, this isn’t about money alone. This is about taking your power back. Systems of oppression are designed to make you feel powerless by removing your options, or insinuating that you have limited options. You feel defeated because you don’t feel like you have a choice. So, how do you go about getting that power? You examine the situation, and identify ALL POSSIBLE OPTIONS! That is, to say, what CAN you do.
I break it down into these steps:
There may come times where you don’t have a lot of time to make a choice or think through these steps thoroughly. In those times, you’ll want to take a breath, relax, and stay calm. Remember, you ALWAYS have a choice. You might not like the results of the choices you have to make, but know that you have them. Also, know that the right thing, and the easy thing to do, are rarely, if ever, the same thing.
If you would like to know more, or have questions, feel free to ask. Hope this helps.
Reconnect with family or friends you miss. Just text them or call them. I ALWAYS feel happy after I do that. Also bro, just tell someone you love your sad. It’s sometimes as simple as that to start feeling more in control.
Ketamine or mushrooms.
Start with small, achievable wins and look outside yourself for perspective.
Fix the cabinet door that’s been a bit weird for a while. Clean the windows. Sort through your wardrobe for stuff you know you wont wear but haven’t been bothered to take to the charity shop.
These things keep you occupied and leave you feeling some small sense of achievement. Then build on them.
Pick up litter along your road while you go for a walk. Bring some old blankets to the animal rescue and ask about becoming a volunteer. Help out at a food bank or soup kitchen. Being helpful to others makes you feel like a better person.
These things give you a sense of being useful to the world. Build on them too.
The extra activity will give you a sense of getting better, fitter – socially, physically and emotionally. Work on your physical fitness in whatever way you enjoy but preferably outside somewhere other peoples judgement doesn’t come into play. Being surrounded by grass and trees is beneficial in itself. Gyms are not as good a location if you are in this headspace in my experience.
Set yourself small goals like deciding to read a book that you have always been curious about in a week. Enroll in something that you have always wanted to do regardless of how irrelevant it is to your career – maybe you are a marketing guy who always wanted to try his hand at carpentry or learning latin – doesn’t matter about the specifics.
The main thing is that you force yourself to take small steps, then larger ones until you realise that you were in control the whole time and some stuff just has to be borne out.
Personally if I’m emotionally on fire, there isn’t a switch I can flip – but I can crash the negative thought process and that’s sometimes enough. I have autistic engineer brain.
Short term: win at what you can win at, go lift some iron, get outside on your bike, wash the dishes, hoover the carpet, don’t just lie in bed and think about sadness because that is the path of least resistance. Talk to your parents or friends. The answer is and always will be, people.
Long term: You don’t know how your future looks now, you’re at A but you don’t know what Z looks like and that is stressful as you are working towards nothing. Put some real thought into your Z and the steps you need to do to get there.
I’m dealing with some stuff, I will stop and make a list of what I have lost and what I have gained, that will crash the negative thought process.
Real control is an illusion I am afraid, but you can control some stuff.
making progress in another area of life
If work is going back, I look to my relationship. If the relationship is bad, I look to work. If both are bad I try to lose weight or hit a PR in weight lifting, or something. You have to feel like you’re progressing in something in order to feel mentally healthy