I had to cut it down. The long and short is this – my husbands best friend is dating the woman he left his wife for. Even though they didn’t sleep together because they live on opposite sides of the country, I think that’s cheating. The JUST got divorced and the best friend and new gf are not being subtle.
She’s gonna be flying out here to see him often. The best friend wants her included when we have friends at our house – football Sunday, pool parties, etc. I told my husband “HELL NO”. And he’s acting like I’m the bad guy??
I was cheated on in my first marriage, and my husband was cheated on in his first marriage.
A lot of our friends seem chill with this and I feel like the only one who openly says I’m against her coming over.
So AITA?
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My husband (35m) has a best friend (34m)he’s known since they were born practically. Let’s call him Lance. Lance was married to let’s call her Brie (33f) for 8 years before they divorced in March.
I started working with Brie when things were still “good” last fall and Lances dad is our boss.
To tell you about Brie, she’s a party, and not always in a good way but everyone says she’s always been like that and she’s not a bad person.
Well turns out Lance had been talking with a lady (54f) across the country he met on a mobile game. (She’s not a catfish, she does exist unfortunately.) And they’d been talking since October. Lance asks for a divorce in December and it was finally all over in March.
He’s actually dating this woman now, he flew to see her, she’s flown to see him, she’s met his family.
The issue is this… my husband says I shouldn’t get caught up in how they met and just be happy for his best friend AND Brie now that they can go on with their own lives.
She’s going to be flying in every few months, and Lance wants her included in our gatherings at my house – football Sunday, pool parties, etc.
I’ve was cheated on in my first marriage, my husband was cheated on in his first marriage, EVERYONE around me (except Brie and her family obviously) are acting like everything is fine and nothings wrong about this.
I’m uncomfortable to say the least, I don’t really want to have her over, at all, because no matter how I look at it, she’s the other woman. Just because they didn’t sleep together before he moved out, doesn’t change it much. (I mean yay for not stepping out on your wife?)
Am I wrong? Am I just too hung up on my own past experience that I’m being an asshole? Is it OK to NOT want to invite her?
If other people want to invite her over, that’s not up to me and I’d never be a mean girl to her at someone else’s house. But isn’t it okay to set this boundary?
Please gimme your opinions people!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said I don’t want her at our house when we have our friends over.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I don’t know why you have an issue with her only, not him. He was the one that was married.
Weird you have a much bigger issue with the girl than the actually guy that ruined his marriage and stepped out
Why you blaming the women but not the dude
I suspect you’ll be home alone while everyone else finds a new place to hang out.
Heavily leaning to N T A but – INFO: Have you met this woman at all in a neutral setting? Or would her coming over to your house be the first time you meet her?
While they may not have been physical, if he left his wife for this woman, he was having an emotional affair and was absolutely cheating on his wife. Depending on your relationship with the ex, that would also impact how I’d feel about having the new woman over.
Tell your husband that you don’t condone what they did, and don’t want her in your home until you’ve had a chance to meet her in a neutral setting. Perhaps the friend can host a dinner at his place or invite you all out before asking his friends to welcome his mistress with open arms.
YTA for not holding the dude just as accountable. You should be drawing the same line with both of them.
I personally agree with you and I get why you can’t put your your husband‘s best friend out, but I wouldn’t want either of them in my house. I don’t support that morally because she knew he was in a relationship. He knew he was in a relationship before he got a divorce it’s just nasty all around
NTA
He’s divorced. He has a new girlfriend that he left his wife for (ie. didn’t cheat on his wife – left her – the right thing to do when you fall for someone else). What does this have to do with your relationship history anyway? And why are you excluding her? It was him who was in a relationship.
Ypu are so far the a-hole in this situation, i can’t believe you don’t see it.
Football season ended 2 months ago???
*Edit: unless you are talking about non-american football lol
You not holding him accountable is giving pick me vibes. He should be just as much to blame…if not more and shamed for what he did. If you can’t then it’s probably best to cancel get togethers at your place from now on because him and his new gf are a package deal.
YTA – Your husband is right. Let them be, it is absolutely none of your concern. Why die on this hill?
So, is the best friend also uninvited from all events ? Because the girl is no the one who did the cheating, he did. He’s the one that was married.
If not then you’re just misogynist and a A, if yes then no problem, NTA, it’s your house.
Being a person who hates cheating why are you comfortable hanging out with someone willing to cheat on his wife? The girl wasn’t there the day they said their vows. He broke them not her. Don’t get me wrong it’s still a shitty thing to do on her part but he’s the one that had a responsibility to his relationship.
NTA. You have morals, and you should stand by them. Who cares what everyone else thinks?
Not enough information on the circumstances to say one way or the other. It’s not clear whether the marriage was over long before the divorce, just how it all ended, where ex wife fits into the friend group, or whether she’s moved on.
NTA. You’ve been burned because of infidelity, so you (Rightly so) have empathy for the ex-wife. A couple of concerns thought. First, your husband. For someone who was also burned by infidelity, he seems to be indifferent to his friend’s wife, and how his friend burned the ex-wife in such a horrible way. A boring I say again was the same your husband felt with his first marriage.
Second, the friends group. It seems to me that the group doesn’t seem to care much about the ex-wife. It sounds like you were all friends who gathered together regularly. So unless you really edited your post and left out negative behaviors from the ex-wife, your friends group seems be a douchy group to wash their hands of the ex-wife so quickly and profoundly.
I would just be interested to know how they got together long distance? Was he on some dating app looking for women? Did it just happen on some trip he was on? Either way, it all sounds specious. If it happened on a trip they probably did sleep together before the marriage ended. If it happened on the internet? It sounds like your husband’s friend fell for your huge scam and is giving up his life for a grifter. Just being honest, I don’t see how this unfolded.
NTA. You aren’t obligated to invite anyone in your home you don’t want there.
YTA
So your husbands friend willingly cheated on his wife yet you are ostracizing the new girlfriend…..
Why not hold the friend accountable??
Edit-Why is the actual post completely different from auto post/bot??
I’m leaning towards esh… I understand your thought process but don’t understand why the man who actually left his wife is still welcome into your group. If you’re still welcoming him with open arms, might as well let the new girlfriend come too. Doesn’t make much sense to me
NTA emotional cheating at the very least if they have moved this quickly. As you and your husband have both been cheated on, ask him what he considers cheating and make sure to term it very personally. Once established, ask your husband why he is ok with his friend cheating. If he insists that’s not cheating, let him know you consider it cheating
YTA. Why are you okay with the cheater coming? If you’re so morally against it, you should be ending the friendship, not forgiving his worse behaviour.
YTA for blaming the woman but not the man as well. Also what happens in your life, isn’t the same as what happened in theirs…. you don’t know the full story i guarantee it. Don’t Judge someone before you know them.
NTA
She’s already proven herself to be a home-wrecker. Nobody needs that type of problem around their friend group. Let the best friend have parties then she can be there all she wants.
YTA best friend is the one that did something wrong, not her
I don’t get these comments saying shes the asshole for not being around him cause its her partners friend,i think it would be weird for her to dictate who her husband still wants to remain friends with (think she just sucking it up for that reason) and is drawing the line now because it seems its escalating or finally just really being shown around her. but also still weird why your husband would continue to be friends with a cheater and support their relationship. Definitely something fishy
YTA because you seem to only care about her actions, not his, even though he’s the one who broke his vows. Why are you holding a stranger to a higher standard than your husband’s best friend?
ESH. You know who’s at fault for his best friend leaving his wife? HIS BEST FRIEND, not her. He’s a cheater, she’s a homewrecker, don’t let either in your house. Especially not him.
YTA. You’re holding her responsible for his decision to end his marriage. You’re not objecting to his presence, only hers, but he was the married one. You don’t have to like how he ended his marriage, but at least he ended it when he realized that his emotions were with this new person and before he committed adultery.
This is your husband’s best friend. Realistically, how do you see this playing out long term if you never allow his new partner to come over?
INFO- Why aren’t you holding your husband’s friend to the same level of accountability that you’re holding the new GF to?
YTA, but gently. I’m sorry you got cheated on, and that your husband went through a similar situation. However, you don’t get to decide who your friends fall in love with and when. You said they never slept together? That sounds pretty respectful, imo. You are entitled to your feelings when it comes o your own situation, but you are 100% projecting your own feelings of betrayal onto him and this new relationship.
It might help if you got to know her and listened to their story. It’s not fair for you to condemn this relationship just because you don’t like how it started. Lets also keep in mind that, if you consider this cheating, then he cheated just as much as she did. Why aren’t you pissed at him? I may be shooting in the dark on this one, but perhaps SHE is the reason they never slept together. Perhaps she is the one who wanted him to be free of his marriage before moving forward with a physical relationship. I think this is a you problem and its up to you to get over it.
He left his wife for her. That’s not cheating.
I’m confused. Did he cheat? He left his wife for her, which I think is better than just cheating. If you fall out of love or fall for someone else, you leave. That’s a good thing.
YTA
NAH
You can choose who to invite into your home, and your group of friends is equally free to choose a new host if they don’t like your decision.
NTA. But why is he ok with either of them? Why is he inviting that mess into y’all’s sanctuary. Are you SURE he was the one cheated on in his last marriage and not the other way around? This is throwing some red flags.
YTA. I could see if the ex-wife was a close friend of yours and you feel like your loyalty is being put on the line, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, and frankly he did the right thing by divorcing her first BEFORE getting with the new girl. And for all you know, their marriage could have been dead long before the papers were signed, so the best thing for you to do is not make his love life your concern and accommodate her simply as your husband’s friend’s girlfriend.
Is this the hill you really want to die on?
Consider what you’re going to do if your husband’s best friend and his now girlfriend get engaged, get married, have kids. Do you think you’re going to be able to continue to exclude her?
If there’s a wedding, your husband will probably be in it. Are you going to boycott it?
If they have kids and your husband’s a godparent, what then?
Either you’re going to have to keep this up to ridiculous levels or at some point you will have to cave and try to make up for snubbing her for some period of time. Plus, you’re keeping a double standard because the best friend was cheating too.
You can stay on your high horse if you want to but in the end you’ll probably have to make an embarrassing climb down. And I haven’t even go into the possible negative impacts on your relationship with your own husband over your disapproving of his behaviour.
You don’t have to become best friends with the gf or even hang out with her other than when hubs and his bf are around. I just think you’re making trouble for yourself unnecessarily.
Do you feel some sense of loyalty to the ex-wife? There’s nothing wrong with that but this is a case when you should pick your battles carefully.
NTA. Your house YOUR rules. The best friend can have people over to his house instead whenever she is visiting.
You’re still friends with the wife of the bf, right? Include her and tell your husband she’s coming. If he wants to meet up with the cheaters in his own? He can. The BF shouldn’t not be included either
Do you know if it was actual cheating? What if they were separated and had a boundary that they could see other people? Also, what if the best friend lied to the woman and fed her stories? “We have an open relationship.” “We’re getting divorced.” I need more info.
But, if it was cheating… sounds like the best friend, your friend group, and your husband are okay with cheating and you’ve got bigger issues than blaming/excluding the other woman.
YWBTA – people fall in and out of love. People get divorced with and without cheating.
He didn’t have sex with her until he was divorced. That is the definition of doing things in the correct order.
Invite them both or invite neither of them, but moving forward they are a couple.
Now if I were a betting woman, she won’t last, and then you will have alienated your husband’s best friend over a woman who’s no longer around.
NTA but where you are trying to draw the line seems unsustainable. You are fine hosting the cheater but want to punish his new girlfriend. I don’t see that working long term. Either you don’t host your husband’s best friend anymore of you accept that he is divorced and had a new girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like you and your husband are on the same page and for the sake of your relationship you really need to figure out as a team how to handle this.
He’s probably confused that you’re totally fine with a cheater hanging out in your house but draw a line at the person he cheated with.
ESH. You are blaming the woman, not the man, and you’re also applying the “rules” wierdly. You didn’t mention friends wife being close or any other reasons for the marriage ending. It just feels like you’re jumping into some drama that you don’t need to be in. If you want to uninvite friend himself, and maybe address any fallout from that with your husband, then do it. The woman isn’t the problem here. Or at least she’s not the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd biggest problem.
Little bit of both. Why just her
I mean you can have this boundary but it’s 1) oddly targeted, and b) going to drive your husband’s best friend away too (which might be fine, see 1). I’m just not sure what outcome you’re hoping for or if this approach is going to get you there.
Why do you not blame the guy??
Not your circus, Not your monkeys. Not your place to judge them. They are free to make their own choices in life and they are not required to be sure that you agree with any of them. Put your robes and gavel away.
NTA, cheating should not be condoned, but then you also shouldn’t have the friend over. I can’t believe your husband gives him a pass.
He’s the cheater….why are you holding her to a higher standard than him?
wait, so he cheated on his wife and is welcome in your house, but the other woman is not? Weird place to draw a hard line.
YTA for not holding him accountable for his actions. If you are going to give him a pass, why not her? (Sexism, the answer is sexism)
YTA. Why are you so focused on the woman? What did she do wrong in this scenario?
If anything, you should be taking issue with your hubby’s best friend instead. You’re acting like this new woman in his life “corrupted” him, when he made the choice.
Hypocrite.
Personally I’d have an issue with your husband remaining friends with such a person. As in: show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.
NTA regardless.
This sounds misogynistic. How is the woman at fault for anything at all? This woman’s love life is none of your business. In fact, if you want to meddle in other people’s relationship, why not with the hubby’s best friend who ended his marriage because of her? Which he did in quite a fair way as far as I can tell from your very short text. Again – very misogynistic thinking. YTA
Absolutely NTA.
How demanding of them! They are way too entitled.
That is your home, not his play-space. You are 100% in the right. Time for your husband to back you up and create healthy boundaries on his narcissistic “friend”.
Light ESH – let me explain:
You suck for concluding that he left his ex wife for new partner even though they didn’t cheat.
Husband sucks for not being clear.
Best friend sucks for no explaining to you what happened.
New partner doesn’t really suck, but as everyone else sucks she had to suck too.
INFO: How much do you actually know about the state of this guy’s marriage before he and his wife divorced??
I’m with you. They can meet anywhere else but not in your home.
They are divorced and it’s not your relationship. You don’t know what happens in other people’s relationships. This is his new partner regardless of your approval. What are you going to do if they get married? YTA.
YTA. Are you good friends with the ex-wife? Is that why you’re so against him moving on? People break up; people move on. Only the people within that marriage know what it was really like and went wrong. They could have been unhappy for much longer than you realize. I’d support my husband’s best friend. I’d imagine divorce is hard enough as it is. Why make things harder for him? If he’s happy, great. I’d be hopeful his ex finds the right guy too someday.
Has Brie been invited to these events since the divorce? Were you planning on inviting Brie to this event and future parties? If not then let him bring the new girl. You aren’t required to be the new ones friend, just be polite. If You were planning on inviting Brie then go ahead and invite her and let her know that new girl will be coming also. The situation is messy but if Brie is your friend then she has just as much right to be there as your husband’s friend is. Let the cards fall as they may.
Well, the new GF didn’t break up that marriage, the best friend and his ex did that.
If it’s truly your husband’s best friend, he’s probably not going to be going away. Why take it out on the new gf?
YTA. I get it’s your house but what his friend and the girl do is none of your business.
For all you know the new girlfriend never knew that he was married.
Why are you giving the cheating husband a pass and putting it all on the gf?
Your anger is not misdirected but one sided, he is as guilty as her.
Ywta. Are you also barring the best friend from coming over because it takes two to cheat. If not then, why even fuss?
YTA. If you accept him, you accept her. End of story.
NTA. A lot of people don’t consider emotional affairs as cheating (but it sure as hell is). Your husband should have more empathy for the ex wife than the current gf. What’s his reasoning?
YTA. You’re starting on a pretty high horse, there kiddo.
You may know some of the dynamics of that friend’s marriage, but certainly not everything. Yet, here you are, judge and jury over a relationship that affects you only tangentially.
Regardless of how things worked out, none of that relationship, its twists and turns, or unhealthy dynamics is any of your business. If your husband’s friend is a total creep,or an abuser, or a manipulative jerk that spreads lies, then warn that woman.
From where. I am sitting, that marriage was on the rocks prior to him engaging with anyone else. I am not justifying his cheating. Emotional cheating is still cheating, but I do understand how that happens. My own sister did that, and I can’t blame her.
Get off your high horse. Give this woman a chance; you might even like her. You have nothing to gain from “holding the high moral ground”.
YTA
I don’t know the details of their relationship before his divorce, but it seems he did the right thing and left his wife when he realized he’d fell for someone else.
At best, they were already friends, he realized he had feelings for her and made the decision to leave his wife before exploring those feelings further. At worst, he sought out an emotional relationship with this woman, and left his wife when he realized he wanted to have sex with her &/or when his wife discovered the emotional affair.
Either way, I’m not sure why you’re holding the new girlfriend accountable for his actions. He is the one who was married. If you have an issue with this situation at all, it should be with the husband’s best friend, not his new girlfriend. You’ve not even indicated that she knew he was married when they first met. If you want to punish someone for cheating, punish the actual cheater???
Honestly, people are human. He found a connection with someone else and seemingly pumped the brakes on that connection until he was out of his marriage. Why on earth would you expect him to be subtle now? The divorce is done (& I suspect the marriage had other issues).
You would definitely be the asshole if you alienate her because of his actions. You can take a stance and alienate him, but I suspect the entire friend group will stop coming to your home if you do (and you probably know that which is why your “stance” on cheating is aimed at the wrong party).
YTA. If he’s divorced, it’s been a minute. The fact that you’ll allow him there and not her is wild. He’s the one that broke his vows, according to you.