Context – my brother “Billy” 41M and his wife “Chloe” 39F adopted their son “Ryan”14M when he was a newborn. I am 26F and using a throwaway. When my brother and SIL adopted Ryan they decided not to tell him that he was adopted until he was old enough to understand. It’s important to understand that Ryan is a really smart kid, he’s crazy smart.
Last Friday, we all went round to my parent’s house for dinner. This included, myself, Billy, Chloe, Ryan, my older sister “Ella” 32F and our parents. After dinner, we all kind of separated into different rooms to chill. My nephew and I are both in to Minecraft and he was showing me his new world on his iPad. We were just chatting about the normal stuff when he asked “so why do you think my parents adopted me?” very, very casually. I was caught very off guard because my brother and SIL hadn’t mentioned anything about telling him. I didn’t know what the heck to say and how they’d explained it to him so all I said was “This is something I’d speak to your parents about mate” verbatim. He nodded and said “yeah” and changed the subject.
Not long after, my brother and Chloe came in and said they were heading home. I didn’t want to mention it infront of Ryan so I thought I’d shoot them a message once they’re home. When they left, I mentioned it to my parents and Ella who were also shocked that Chloe and Billy hadn’t mentioned telling him to them either so none of us were prepared to answer any questions he may have. I messaged Billy and in under 1 minute Chloe was on the phone swearing and screeching like a banshee. It turns out that Ryan had NOT been told that he was adopted and by saying “You should speak to your parents about this” I actually did tell him and I should have said that he’s NOT adopted. I’m not sure why Ryan asked but he’s a smart kid, he must have had some kind of inkling which is why instead of asking directly, he asked my opinion on why.
That was Friday evening, Chloe went insane down the phone, I could hear Billy in the back ground saying that I was out of line and I’m not a parent so I don’t understand the gravity of what I’ve done etc. It’s now Wednesday evening and my family is still divided and not communicating properly. My parents understand my point of view but our sister, Ella, is saying that I’m an idiot that was “manipulated by a teenager” and has called me a complete asshole for stepping on his parent’s toes. I’ve had Chloe’s family message me over the weekend calling all sorts of names. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to their anniversary party next month etc.
All this to say, it’s a complete and utter shit show. AITA in this scenario?? I understand that I should have talked to his parents before i gave him any kind of answer but it was in the moment. Does anyone have any advice on what to do now because right now it looks like they’re going no contact with me.
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Context – my brother “Billy” 41M and his wife “Chloe” 39F adopted their son “Ryan”14M when he was a newborn. I am 26F and using a throwaway. When my brother and SIL adopted Ryan they decided not to tell him that he was adopted until he was old enough to understand. It’s important to understand that Ryan is a really smart kid, he’s crazy smart.
Last Friday, we all went round to my parent’s house for dinner. This included, myself, Billy, Chloe, Ryan, my older sister “Ella” 32F and our parents. After dinner, we all kind of separated into different rooms to chill. My nephew and I are both in to Minecraft and he was showing me his new world on his iPad. We were just chatting about the normal stuff when he asked “so why do you think my parents adopted me?” very, very casually. I was caught very off guard because my brother and SIL hadn’t mentioned anything about telling him. I didn’t know what the heck to say and how they’d explained it to him so all I said was “This is something I’d speak to your parents about mate” verbatim. He nodded and said “yeah” and changed the subject. Not long after, my brother and Chloe came in and said they were heading home. I didn’t want to mention it infront of Ryan so I thought I’d shoot them a message once they’re home. When they left, I mentioned it to my parents and Ella who were also shocked that Chloe and Billy hadn’t mentioned telling him to them either so none of us were prepared to answer any questions he may have. I messaged Billy and in under 1 minute Chloe was on the phone swearing and screeching like a banshee. It turns out that Ryan had NOT been told that he was adopted and by saying “You should speak to your parents about this” I actually did tell him and I should have said that he’s NOT adopted. I’m not sure why Ryan asked but he’s a smart kid, he must have had some kind of inkling which is why instead of asking directly, he asked my opinion on why. That was Friday evening, Chloe went insane down the phone, I could hear Billy in the back ground saying that I was out of line and I’m not a parent so I don’t understand the gravity of what I’ve done etc. It’s now Wednesday evening and my family is still divided and not communicating properly. My parents understand my point of view but our sister, Ella, is saying that I’m an idiot that was “manipulated by a teenager” and has called me a complete asshole for stepping on his parent’s toes. I’ve had Chloe’s family message me over the weekend calling all sorts of names. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to their anniversary party next month etc. All this to say, it’s a complete and utter shit show. AITA in this scenario?? I understand that I should have talked to his parents before i gave him any kind of answer but it was in the moment. Does anyone have any advice on what to do now because right now it looks like they’re going no contact with me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my nephew that he needs to talk to his parents, instead of lying to him. Because my response inadvertently answered his question which has caused a massive divide in the family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Play stupid games (keeping huge secrets), win stupid prizes (a teenager outsmarting you).
Let them go no contact, they are horrible people. But do your best to be available for Ryan because he WILL need a safe adult to talk to since his parents just beyond comprehensible assholes. NTA
NTA. He was going to find out. He obviously already suspected. At least he knows there is one family member who didn’t lie to him, someone he can trust. His parents are crazy if they actually thought this could be handled without telling him. As someone who’s seen this first hand, truth will always come out and his parents by hiding it have caused serious damage. You handled it amazingly considering the circumstances.
Edit to add. As to advice, I’d just give it time. They created this situation by trying something they really didn’t need to hide. They are probably trying to do damage control. Hopefully they come to their senses in time and apologize to their son and you. If they stay no contact maybe you can find a way to discreetly let your nephew know none of this is his fault.
NTA. You didn’t tell him. What they wanted you to do was lie, and never did you agree to that. I would’ve answered same thing cause a kid suspecting they were adopted is a convo I think they need to have to wonder why they think that.
You did nothing wrong, their overreaction is only thing that confirmed it.
NTA, you didn’t even technically tell him. It was an implication at best but telling him he should talk to his parents about it was the right call although it sounds like they either already lied to him about it or wanted to.
NTA
Teens aren’t dumb, he already knew the answer and wanted confirmation. Yeah, it was a little manipulative but apparently he felt he had to do that to get the honest answer. And really, how else would anyone handle that other than straight up lying (which is WORSE IMO).
And, It just so happens that I am a parent…(like their poor excuse they threw at you over the phone) and I understand that you DO tell your kid waaaaaaay before 14 that they’re adopted. They’re in the wrong here, not you.
The fact that their own child won’t start an important conversation with them speaks volumes of who he trusts.
Hilarious!! They said they’d tell him “when he’s old enough to understand!!”
He seems to understand quite well. NTA
NTA.
NTA. They created this situation by not telling him. You did not tell him. You handled it the best way you could without confirming or denying it and referring questions to the parents. It’s their fault and their problem to deal with.
NTA. This is absolutely ridiculous that they are blaming you for their son asking you a question. Telling him to talk to his parents is not confirming that he’s adopted it’s telling him to discuss his feelings with his parents. They wanted you to lie to him.
I’d text Chole’s family and ask them what they were told because, I have a feeling, she just told them you told Ryan that he was adopted. Explain to them that Ryan asked you about your thoughts on why his parents adopted him and that you told him he needed to talk to them. You in no way told him he was adopted.
>I understand that I should have talked to his parents before i gave him any kind of answer but it was in the moment.
Uh, no. You were blindsided by the question and lead to believe that they were going to tell him when he was old enough. As far as you knew, they’d already told him. If they’d changed their mind about telling him, then they should have communicated that with you a long time ago.
This whole mess is their fault, not yours.
Geez, what a shit show. NTA. I have nothing to add that other comments haven’t covered well.
Good luck OP.
NTA they never planned to tell him. There is no other reason to be this upset over an honest mistake. He’s been old enough to know the truth for a few years. They don’t want to be adopted mom and dad they wanted him to not know. It’s selfish on their part.
Nta. The kids 14. How old did his parents think he needed to be to understand?
I don’t think what you said was wrong. And you messaged them to let them know he asked so they could maybe have a proper conversation about it.
They shouldn’t be taking their anger out on you.
NTA. I’m guessing he had been asking them and they lied. 14 year olds are not stupid and he should have been told a long time ago. What did they expect? The parents are the only assholes.
Somewhat similar but on a very different scale of course. When my son was about ten he tricked me into admitting the truth about Santa Claus. Like the OP I was caught off guard and he still teases me about it.
My cousin’s daughter tried this recently, she asked her uncle ” who in the family do I look like?”
He understood what she was trying to do and gave some innocuous answer.
But she’s 21 and now refusing to visit her parents until she’s given the whole truth. Don’t be like my cousin and let it get this far.
That kid is super smart and clever, he tricked you into essentially saying as he already had a strong feeling. NTA, it’s not your fault. By the way he phrased his question, it was easy to assume that he had been told. Then again, we all know what happens when we assume things.
He should have been told prior to this, he’s well old enough to understand but no one here are his parents.
I don’t really have any advice about what to do now. I’d just let it all blow over, wait for tempers to cool, and if they cut contact, that’s their choice and you just move on. People not understanding and blaming you are the problem anyway.
As other commenters have said, NTA. The question alone is extremely loaded and you took the right option by letting your nephew know to speak to his parents about it. Realistically, what else could you possibly say? It’s clear that he himself had already sussed some amount of information out and wanted to speak to a trusted adult further about the topic.
It seems a little surprising that your brother and his wife were so upset at you specifically for this situation. It seems like they wanted to keep this a secret and that poses a whole multitude of questions. Overall I feel it’s a massive overreaction on their part and you shouldn’t blame yourself for this.
NTA clearly the kid knew, and you were caught off guard and answered as pretty much anyone else would.
They only have themselves to blame here.
They would have been told be the adoption agency to start talking about the adoption when he was a baby, looong before he understood what adoption is. Then it would have been normal and something he’s always known. Now he’s probably shocked and feels betrayed. The family he trusted is not what he thought they were. His parents created this situation, it could have been avoided if they had just followed the advice all adoptive parents get
So what DID they tell Ryan after this?
NTA – you are not obligated to lie to anyone.
You didn’t go out of your way to tell your nephew he is adopted. You simply didn’t lie to him when he questioned you. Also you responded in a very appropriate manner.
NTA.
you were caught off guard. He is 14 years old, he does understand the concept of Adoption. It wasn’t that far fetched that they may have already told him. There was no bad intention behind your answer.
Yeah you were manipulated by a kid. But are you sure your sister wouldn’t be? The boy is 14, and you say he is smart, you can treat a boy that age NEARLY as an adult.
In my personal opinion, the problem isn’t that the kid found out, but that the parents lied for 14 years. I would have been transparent from the beginning that he is adopted, but that is just me.
It was NOT your responsibility to lie to the kid just because his parents did. It isn’t like you walked up to him and told him upfront that he is adopted, you simply did answer a question with honesty, and it simply is true that the kid should speak with his parents about it. Heck even if he wouldn’t have been adopted; he should talk with his parents about it if he suspects to be adopted.
Though it was an unfortunate situation, I don’t think you are to blame. I bet the majority will say nta, maybe you could show your brother the post, once there is a final vote? Or ask him to speak and explain your thought process? Though he seems to be now furious at you, I think it is much more that he is awfully overwhelmed, afraid and frustrated about the situation. He may fear, that the relationship with his son may greatly suffer, which is terrifying for most parents. And though that is unfortunate, he must see that the situation they set up by lying about it, there was always the risk that something like this could potentially happen.
NTA but can we take a moment to appreciate how smart this kid is?
NTA. Kids who were adopted when they were too young to remember should grow up with that knowledge, not suddenly find out when they’re older.
NTA. It’s been known as best practice since the early 90s to tell adopted children that they are adopted. While there were secrets kept from me about my birth family, I knew I was adopted all along.
That poor boy should have been told years ago. Now hopefully he’ll be able to access therapy when he inevitably needs it because his parents definitely fucked up.
NTA. Based on what I’m reading, he seems quite ready and old enough to learn the truth. Furthermore, it seems like he didn’t feel like he could ask his parents directly and instead resorted to an indirect question to you and it seems like you two have a good relationship.
This is blown out of proportion and I honestly feel like they all forget who should matter right now, Ryan, and not the way you worded a sentence when you were put on the spot like you were. Neither you nor Ryan were the assholes but your brother, older sister and Chloe are quite awful.
NTA. These people have had 14 years to figure out how they would handle this inevitable day and the best they could come up with is scream like a banshee at someone doing their best?
They are being emotional and ridiculous. No wonder Ryan didn’t feel he could talk to them directly.
Yikes. Poor Ryan. Your brother and SIL are HORRIBLE parents and they are absolutely the AH’s in every respect.
You are obviously NTA and did nothing wrong.
Chloe is especially terrible and I feel so badly for Ryan having her as an adoptive mother. Chloe clearly comes from an entire family of AH’s and I’m sorry she’s a part of your family. Billy and Chloe should have anticipated something like this would happen one day when they decided to raise him in a house of lies and deception. No one thinks this is a good route to go and adoptive parents are encouraged to always be honest.
They are to blame for the consequences of their deception and their terrible parenting.
NTA. It is obvious that the kid knows the truth, could not get the truth from his parents, and spent quite some time trying to think of the best way to get a good answer. Much thought went into the wording of his question, the ambushy way he asked, and the person he thought might tell him the truth. Besides, you never did actually confirm his suspicions. The real question is why do the parents feel shame about the adoption? Do they feel less than because they adopted? These are their adult issues to deal with.
There was no good way to handle this, telling kid to go to his parents was the only choice.
NTA.
Your family is 100% in the wrong.
You did not “tell” him anything, you did not volunteer anything. More importantly, you did not agree to blatantly lie to the kid and say “you’re not adopted” when he obviously already knows.
The fact is – Billy and Chloe fucked up. Big time. They delayed telling him for so long the he basically figured it out himself, and is now having to ask other people about it. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s brought it up; I can almost guarantee he has tried to broach the subject with his parents, and they’ve been giving him the run-around and that’s why he asked you.
NTA, you did nothing wrong. You did not tell him anything you did not lie to him.
NTA. You didn’t say he was adopted. They’re upset he knows and are lashing out at you as a result.
NTA, adopted children should be informed they are adopted from the get go. If you don’t they learn you’ve lied to them from the start which isn’t good for the kid or the relationship they have with their adoptive parents
I’m adopted. I don’t know when my parents told me, but it’s something I’ve seemed to have always known. So I’m guessing they told me when I was three, give or take. My advice to every parent who adopts is to tell them early. It doesn’t hurt at all for them to learn at an early age, but it could hurt if they learn later.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. He asked a question. You answered the best way possible. You made an assumption that he was told and you had no other way to know otherwise.
You are so NTA! Your brother, sis in law, and everybody else that gave you a hard time owes you more than an apology. You handled the unexpected question with thoughtfulness. Clearly your nephew already knew and needed he was adopted and needed to bring it up with someone he felt comfortable with. The gravity of the situation should not fall on you, and quite honestly, they now have a second problem- a loved on ostracized by their displaced anger and reaction. Sorry you are going through this.