I’m having a hard time feeling genuinely happy. Not fake or surface-level happiness—but something real.
Growing up, I found happiness in my family. Later, soccer became my outlet, and during adolescence, girls started to play a role too. I was popular and started dating early. In 5th grade, I fell for a 6th grader. At the time, I thought it was love, but in hindsight, I think it was just infatuation. She broke up with me for an older guy, and I was crushed.
Fast forward to 11th grade—my family migrated to the U.S., and I didn’t make many guy friends. Not that I couldn’t, but I was laser-focused on playing college soccer. I didn’t want distractions. I had acquaintances, sure, but not deep friendships.
Then I met someone. I had to shoot my shot—and we ended up dating until college. I was young, but I was deeply committed, even thinking of building a life with her. When she ended it, I was torn apart. Soccer, once again, saved me.
In my junior year of college, I fell in love again. I didn’t expect to fall that hard, but she was my best friend. It felt natural and effortless. We were together for over three years. When that ended in 2020, the heartbreak hit even deeper. I still feel waves of that pain.
To make it more complicated—I chose my current career because I thought we’d share this path. But now, I’m struggling to stay motivated. I don’t feel connected to the work, and I can’t bring myself to do what it takes to get to the next level.
Then, in 2021, I learned about my parents’ love story. My dad gave up his dream career to be with my mom. That hit me hard. It made me wonder:
Do men give up their happiness for love, while women give up love for their happiness?
Has anyone here felt like this before? How did you move through it? Does genuine happiness come back—and where do you find it when everything that used to give you purpose doesn’t anymore?
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Finding out what makes you truly happy is a huge part of the self-discovery process of growing up. Once you find out what those things are, they become your priority. For your dad, the happiness he would get from his dream career pales in comparison to what he would feel with your mom as part of his life. He didn’t make a sacrifice, there is always opportunity cost with every decision. He made the right decision for him for what he wanted out of life.
You should keep searching for those things that make you happy.
Having a better understanding of myself and what actually makes me tick
I think in my younger days…i chased stats
Stats that signified to other people i was happy
I associated my happiness to these stats
Lost my job during the economic down turn of 2008
That led to some revelations from a personal level
My happiness didnt work the same after
Though the stats are important..they are no longer the sole source of my happiness
>My dad gave up his dream career to be with my mom. That hit me hard. It made me wonder: Do men give up their happiness for love, while women give up love for their happiness?
I left the career I spent many years working towards in order to be with my partner. I probably would have left anyway, but a big part of the decision was that quitting allowed me to live in the same part of the country as her.
That doesn’t mean I gave up happiness for love. I’ve built a life for myself that I love. I regularly remind myself of all the things I love that I get to do because of that decision. My job now isn’t what I dreamed I’d do when I was younger, but it’s a steady job that allows me to live comfortably and enjoy my free time.
first you cant have genuine happiness without melancholy or strife. No emotion is constant. Sometimes we need to break our routine to reengage with life. Try going vegetarian for a month or two, or learn to enjoy coffee. The first step to regaining emotional control is learning to sense and feel your world again. Pay attention to your sense of smell the sensations on your skin the hues and colors, shapes, distances, and sounds. When you are young many of these things are relatively new, as we get older we forget until we find something nostalgic or novel. The trick is to recapture those feelings by being present.
There a brief moments of happiness to be snatched from the harsh reality of life. Savour them.
Im talking instances, fleeting glimpses- a second of a day in a week or a month or a year. Just sit in them and appreciate them and remember them.
The rest is work, survival and responsibility.
Happiness is fleeting.
But optimism is self-discipline.
You have to choose relentless optimism even when everything seems to be against you.
Do not wait for reasons to feel optimism.
You will wait forever.
Optimism comes before good things.
Alcohol
You don’t care about your happiness and you care about others
What I took from your share is you’re very focused on romantic relationships. An important part of a young man’s life for sure.
Two things.
You spend half your time awake at work. It’s great if you can find a career you’re passionate about! You’re not too young to change careers.
And women are attracted to men who are passionate about something. A hobby, a cause, anything really.
What’s worked for me was being a chef for 15 years. So fulfilling I can’t describe here. Started a family and had to change careers. Found out I really love automation! I’ve been lucky to have two fulfilling careers. But it wasn’t all luck. It took insight, self reflection and a willingness to take chances.
And the second thing that helped me was spending some time being single. You made a big life decision for a partner. Spend some time finding out what’s important and fulfilling to YOU. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
I’ve been dating and I’m coming from a place of being patient for the right one. Taking time to get to know each other first and being radically honest. There’s been character defects of mine that some women can’t accept but those same ones weren’t even an issue for an other woman. And vice a versa. I’m just being patient for a good fit and someone who we can work together to build a life.
In the meantime I’ve been making sure to nurture good solid friendships.
I see a couple of issues:
I think it comes down to figuring out exactly what you want out of life, and really practicing optimism and gratitude. You are here, it sounds like you are financially settled, no health issues, plenty of leisure time…….. that alone is worth being “happy” about. If you want more than that you have to figure out what that is, why you want it and how to get it.
For example I’m a parent. There are obviously things I can’t do as a result of that decision. Why dwell on that? Way more productive to be focused on and grateful for my kids. Some people want kids and can’t have them. Some people have kids but can’t provide or be present for them the way they want to. Etc. I’m fortunate to be in my position even if it means some compromise, so that’s the aspect of it I center around. Life is never gonna be perfect, you’re never gonna be completely happy. You have to take the wins where you get them and not dwell on the losses.
I have stopped trying to make myself happy, instead I try make other people happy. I feel happier this way.
You can’t have everything in life, you have to choose and make compromises. It just part of growing up.
You also should never define yourself by your job. It is something the older generations did and it wasn’t great for them. Find happiness in your life and the things you do.
To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.