I just realized no matter how many people come into my life, I always feel like they’re at arm’s length and I can’t really be my true self, and maybe that’s why they all kind of remain superficial and the friendships fade away. I feel like I have to censor myself and thoughtfully curate myself so I don’t come off the wrong way or too brash or negative. For example, my closest friend (not saying much), is white with a close family from an affluent background in California; we’re in NYC now. During one of our earlier hangouts I mentioned a bit about how my family is the exact opposite of hers and why that’s hard or whatever, and she kinda nodded, briefly gave me sympathy, and moved forward. And that doesn’t make her a bad person or anything but it kinda made me feel like shit in a way. It’s like no one gets me or has an incentive to get me or even can, because we’re just so different. And I guess it’s always gonna be that way. And I’m wondering if it’s possible to be happy socially if this is the case or if I just haven’t met the right people. I just always feel like such an outsider, because my background and worldview are so different. Any friendship I’ve had was based on proximity or a shared activity, and I feel like that can do only so much. There has to be more…?
And it’s not like I want to be defined by the negative aspects of my past or where I came from, but they inform so much of who I am and how I think and feel that I wish people could more easily understand it. But I just feel like I have to mask, mask, mask. For example, pretend I’m not weighed down by the conflicting feelings I get from my mom, whom I love, asking me for money again.
Does that make sense? Are you destined to be lonely if you don’t have people who can truly relate to you?
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Im gonna be so real with you — you’ll continue being the common denominator if you want to go about life feeling like you absolutely cant relate to anyone. I say this because I have a friend who verbatim has said what you said about your friend in your post, and she struggles with making or keeping friends in this city.
If you took all of my friends and put me side by side by them, youd laugh and ask how do these people even know each other.
Shared, tangible lifestyles or interests is a great jumping off point, but nowadays I look for personality traits in a human that I gel with — humor, patience, empathy, having fun, creativity, ambition. All of my friends, whether theyre fresh friendships or 10+ years old, are all exemplary of that criteria. I am proud of that! They also either come from incredibly different backgrounds of race, upbringing, class, gender identity, sexual identity, etc. I love all of my friends for their weird quirks, faults, but most importantly their ability to be patient with me. I feel like my biggest and best trait about myself is my ability to attract the most amazing and loving people into my life, I feel like I won the lottery on that.
Im not super stoked about this friend group, but I do have some friends in my life that openly judge other people, e.g. “theyre rich kids”, or, “we’ll never get along bc of ____”, and I will be so honest with you and tell you that I have met shitty rich people, I have also met shitty poor people. I have met giving rich people, I have met giving poor people. I am just GRATEFUL that people choose to give me grace and let reciprocal love in. We dont have to talk about or trauma bond on our upbringings, as a matter of fact I’d rather not do that. If you are someone who is an outstanding human and I have the pleasure of being your friend, you will be a priority in my life and I will be so thankful to be able to share space with someone like that.
yeah I feel you. I don’t have your sceanrio but sometimes when I talk to close friends, I realise they hardly listened to what I said. I’ll tell them something that I said before (like a follow up to a previous story) and they’ll say ‘oh you didn’t mention that’ or ‘I don’t remember you saying that’ and I kinda feel like they don’t really care or absorb my stories the way I do theirs. Or like, I’m not important enough to remember small details about. It makes me feel very alone sometimes, knowing that.