As my wife and I (m/f, both in our 30s) wait to exit the plane, two older women (late 60s, early 70s), healthy and fit for their age, pull their luggage from the overhead without a struggle and exit.
My wife says that I should have helped them with their luggage because I’m a man and they’re older women. I explained that, the thought to help did cross my mind, but once I saw that they were handling it with no problem, I decided not to say anything. I did covertly put my hand under one of the luggages to catch it in case it dropped, but it didn’t drop.
My wife says, even if they didn’t look like they needed help, I still should have offered because it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do. I explained that I usually only offer help if people look like they need. I feel like it’s patronizing to offer help when not needed or asked for.
Am I the asshole and should I have tried to help those ladies even if they didn’t appear to need it?
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As my wife and I (m/f, both in our 30s) wait to exit the plane, two older women (late 60s, early 70s), healthy and fit for their age, pull their luggage from the overhead without a struggle and exit.
My wife says that I should have helped them with their luggage because I’m a man and they’re older women. I explained that, the thought to help did cross my mind, but once I saw that they were handling it with no problem, I decided not to say anything. I did covertly put my hand under one of the luggages to catch it in case it dropped, but it didn’t drop.
My wife says, even if they didn’t look like they needed help, I still should have offered because it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do. I explained that I usually only offer help if people look like they need. I feel like it’s patronizing to offer help when not needed or asked for.
Am I the asshole and should I have tried to help those ladies even if they didn’t appear to need it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not offering to help two older women with their luggage
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Strangers should mind their own business.
Bro shes mad about something else
NTA. If your wife is so sure they needed help, why didn’t she offer? You don’t have to be a man to help others.
NTA. If your wife was so concerned, why didn’t SHE help them?
Your wife is right, but your choice is not so bad as to make you an asshole.
Think of it this way: When it is standard for gentlemen to offer help to older women those older women who are failing or just worry about getting hurt doing something a bit strenuous don’t have to feel like they’ve been identified as infirm. You are simply doing a standard nice thing like holding a door.
NTA, I am in my mid-60s now and honestly if I need help I ask for it…. they did not ask.
Nah but the young mother struggling with two kids , bags and a car seat- you do offer to help her.
>My wife says, even if they didn’t look like they needed help, I still should have offered because it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do.
Sounds like your wife is sexist and patriarchal. NTA
NTA…you shouldn’t assume that a lady of any age can’t do something. If they needed help, they would have asked or looked around. It’s great to be willing to help, it’s not great to assume that certain segments of society are always in need of it.
NTA. As an older, independent, strong woman, if I need help, I’ll ask for it.
NTA. Tell her trying to make you go do labor for strangers isn’t very “ladylike.”
NTA. The women didn’t ask for help and you’re right- it would have been patronizing to assume they needed help.
NTA. You actually did those ladies a favor by letting them handle their own luggage (since they were clearly able to). Exercise is healthy, especially at an older age. Use it or lose it goes for muscles too!
I feel like it would have been nice to offer to help them, but not doing so doesn’t make you an AH. I’m not someone who likes to ask for help, but when I was pregnant, I was so grateful for the number of people who went above and beyond to help me. A little bit of kindness goes a long way.
On the flip side, why didn’t your wife offer to help?
NTA. She was younger and probably stronger than the two ladies, why didn’t she offer to help? It would be presumptuous to offer if they aren’t struggling and might be taken as an insult.
NTA. To ask when they were already doing it themselves, just because they’re women, would be rude.
I hate when guys want to help me just because I’m a woman. I lift weights, and I can lift my own set of books, or bag of dirt, or luggage, more easily than my husband can, might I add! But everybody wants to help me, because my tits make me helpless or some shit.
NAH.
I’m 62M, and I will help anyone and everyone who looks like they may need it. Anything to speed up disembarking. If their luggage is in my bin and they are in front of me, I’ll pass it forward.
It’s very hard to be “gentlemanly” in an age when people are supposed to be equal. I’ve gone through airports with a backpack and two large bags while my wife carries her purse many times, and it’s fine for me to treat her like a queen. And no one needs to see her struggle with her MG.
I really wonder if your wife would urge you to ‘be a gentleman’ if it was a beautiful young woman with her arm in a sling. Or would she say you should have “let someone else help her.”
Never touch someone else’s luggage.
I am an older woman, and if I see someone struggling, I will offer help.
You said they weren’t struggling, so your NTA for not offering.
As a woman in that age group, an offer of help is always welcome from a younger person, but never expected.
NTA. Sounds like she’s trying to look out for others which is also NTA. It also sounds like you were closer than she was (since you reached out for a safety back-up catch), which would explain why she asked you instead of offering herself.
Everybody needs to lighten up on this topic and stop assuming the worst of others. We got a lot bigger problems than offering to help an old lady with her luggage.
NTA. Many women would be offended by the presumption that they were unable to manage on their own.
NTA. They didn’t ask or seem to struggle. My mom is 80-something and would fight you if you grabbed her bags because she can do it her damn self. You could have asked if you wanted to but I probably would not have asked in this situation.
NTA. I’m 58. I can handle this stuff just fine. If I see anyone struggling, I’ll offer help–doesn’t matter their age/gender.
NTA.
why didnt your wife offer to help them if its so important to her?
NTA. Why didn’t your wife offer to help?
NTA
If they were able to complete the task, let them do it. I completely agree that it feels patronising to be asked whether they need help when they made no sign they wanted it.
Besides, if she was really worried, your wife was/is just as capable of helping IMO.
As a woman in that age group, I always appreciate the offer. Sometimes it is helpful and other times it’s not necessary. But in the same vein if I saw anyone, struggling, male, female, young or old, I would definitely put my arm up to assist. I appreciate both of you. You for being on guard and your wife for being vigilant as well.
NTA. If they wanted your help they would have asked for it.
I am a woman of that age. I hate when people think I need help
If I ask yes please if not leave me alone
NTA
If they struggled, then maybe. But helping others with luggage on a plane is hard to do without being awkward.
NTA
No!!!!! Definitely not the ah.
Im in my 60s and very fit. I hate being patronized. (Call me Ma’m and I’ll give you the finger, at least mentally) Btw why didn’t your wife offer to help if it was such an imperative?
NTA- you shouldn’t infantilize someone just because they’re older
Reddit blows my mind with how disrespectful and assuming ppl are. NTA… However being kind to others and just offering to help never hurt anybody.
NTA. If they’ve packed it they stack it. Or in this case grab it down again. If they needed or wanted help they would ask
NTA
It would have been one thing if they were clearly struggling, then I’d say you or someone (even your wife) could have offered, but as you said, they got their stuff down just fine!
NTA. If the women already grabbed their luggage and walked away what were you supposed to do in that case?
Your wife sounds like a misogynist.
NTA. If they needed help, they can wait till the end and ask the flight crew for help.
That said,I’ve helped many a old person with luggage on stairs, it’s just a thing you do when you see them struggle
NTA. I am a woman in their age range and learned to pack only what I can handle by myself when I traveled a lot for business back in the 80ies. If they needed help, they likely would have asked. Why didn’t your wife offer to help them?
NTA I’m a 65 yo woman. I don’t need any assistance yet and I wouldn’t expect it.
Your NTA because your not obligated to offer. But I’m much younger then these women and a few months ago the guy sitting in the aisle seat offered to take down my bag. He knew I was capable of doing it on my own as he saw me lift it up. The offer was very much appreciated and remembered. Gestures like that makes someone’s life easier and are appreciated. So why not take your wife’s advice next time?
Absolutely not. The only reason I have ever brought something down for someone is if they have asked me (usually because I am closer than they are). Also, people have to learn that they can only bring what they can handle. I constantly see people trying to stuff these gigantic roller bags into overhead bins, and often they are not strong enough to lift them. That tells you all you need to know right there. Nobody needs anything more than a backpack on the aircraft.
NTA
It was completely fine to not offer help, but it also would’ve been completely fine to offer help. It only would’ve been patronizing if you insisted on helping.
NTA. The number one responsibility of every adult on a plane is to make the process of getting off the plane as quick as possible. (Tight connections, people gotta pee, whatever.) If helping someone grab their bag speeds that up, good. If they’re not struggling, trying to help slows them down, and that’s bad. You did fine. Your wife needs to chill. (I’m a woman, ftr.)
You’re in the right… OP.
You shouldn’t travel if you can’t handle your own luggage. NTA.
YWITA. Your wife is the asshole. Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean you have to help.
NTA. If they clearly needed help or asked for help, it is okay to offer, but you’re right that it would’ve been patronising (and a bit creepy) to approach perfectly healthy and capable women and basically take their luggage out of their hands.
Nope, but you get points for the stealth help that you gave, unasked and unrecognized. That’s the way to do it.
NTA
NTA.
“I usually only offer help if people look like they need. I feel like it’s patronizing to offer help when not needed or asked for.”
This is exactly correct OP. You are doing it right.
NTA – your wife is though. What should you flex your masculinity at HER definition of it? Major eyeroll. Gross. Woman in my 50s who travels with mother in late 70s often. Assist ONLY if they’re struggling. It’s mightily ageist, demoralizing and a sign society considers you feeble. Get that sh$t outta the aisle. Mother bristles mightily at that and we stride down the gangway.
It’s nice if someone helps me but I don’t need help or expect it.
NTA – they weren’t struggling, they are grown women who can ask for help if they want it.
Is your wife sexist, ageist or a bit of both?
NTA. Women have been screaming for “equality” for decades. You gave them equality.
Ask your wife if she’d be happy if people presumed she wasn’t capable just because she is female or because of her age. People who need help are more than capable of asking for it and will do so if they need it. Someone can be older and fit or be young and need help.
This might be a controversial opinion, but I hate strangers touching my bags in an airport.
I am a very very small woman. I look like I’d struggle to carry a bag of potatoes. People are always trying to grab my bag from the overhead or off the baggage claim, presumably to help me out. They always get a terse ‘I’ve got it’ in response.
I would have appreciated help. The last time I flew, it had been several years since I attempted to both put my bag in the overhead and take it out. To my surprise, I struggled to get it in and about hit the person below trying to get it out. I’m older–and short–and didn’t realize I had lost that much strength. If traveling alone, I now check my bags.
NTA. It sounds like your help was neither needed nor wanted in that situation. Inserting yourself into their business could have slowed down the deplaning process, which would have been rude.
Honestly, it’s a bit of a red flag that your wife is so quick to criticize you over something that is a non-issue. Does she often criticize you?
NTA, plus maybe they didn’t want some stranger handling their luggage, which they were perfectly able to do?
I am not old or anything but I don’t want anyone to grab my bags but me. If I needed help I’d wait and ask a flight attendant.
Tell your wife if she’s that worried about it, she can offer to help.
I travel often for work. I don’t need help with my bag, and will often decline help if asked.
Every so often, someone will just get my bag down for me. I always say thank you. It’s appreciated, but not necessary. I’m 60.
Somehow I don’t think a strange man suddenly grabbing someone else’s belongings would go over well. And they could be offended or creeped out by the offer.
NTA.
NTA why didn’t she help if she felt so strongly about it😒
I’m 64, if I want help I’ll ask. Otherwise, hands off.
NTA
NAH. It’s nice to offer, but it’s not rude to not offer, especially if the (potential) offerees seem capable. I personally dislike when people offer to help me when I don’t need it.
This is probably the easiest NTA ever. Your wife has issues.